The Stench Wars
by BookishQua
Summary: Edward returns from Italy to find Jacob Black has become Bella's BFF and is interfering with their relationship. Jacob Black is never going to know what has hit him. AU Eclipse Satire. ExB
1. Chapter 1

*****This story contains reference to violence, snark, more snark, vulgarity, and sexual content.*****

**The Stench Wars Story Summary: Edward returns from Italy to find Jacob Black has become Bella's BFF and is interfering with their relationship. Jacob Black is never going to know what has hit him. AU Eclipse Satire. ExB**

**This is a short story *points to regular readers that are dying laughing rolling on the floor* *blinks* Really. Less than *crosses out the word six* *clears throat* fifteen chapters. Short chapters. *sniffs* Promise. I'll update once a week. Good seeing you all again. Snarkily yours, Books**

**Thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta-ing.**

**Feel free to follow me on Twitter at BookishQua.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.**

**Dedicated to Tigrmommi**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

_What have I done?_ As I pondered the ramifications of the agreement that I had just hammered out with the Volturi about changing Bella into a blood-dependent fiend like me, I gulped. I felt like a man who had gone temporarily insane, only to wake up surrounded by mangled bodies with no memory of causing the devastation, clutching a binding contract in his shaking hand, and saying, "Who me? What bodies? Hunh?" Well, you get the point.

A few days back, my darling sister Rosalie, who was so going to get Hell from me when I returned, had convinced me that my beloved had perished. Perhaps I had overreacted a tiny bit, coming here begging to be put to death and all. But still. I loved Bella. I had made so many sacrifices on her behalf. Nothing was too good for my Bella. Even the Volturi brothers had agreed that she was exceptional. Especially with her being my singer and still having a pulse and all. And that whole mind like a steel trap business. My Bella, how she made me proud.

Alice, Bella, and I stood before the brothers in the throne room of the fortress of Volterra. Heidi passed us as we exited, all but mentally cooing at the prospect of the meal she planned on having out of a lanky young man that trailed after her staring at her assets. Rattling off historical facts about the area, she led a large group of male tourists from Mexico City inside the throne room. By their lean builds, they appeared to be soccer players. Soon to be dead ones.

Marcus tilted his head towards the exit, and I needed no further encouragement as I all but dragged Bella from the room, trailed by the quietest vampire in immortal history. The heavy oak doors reinforced with iron bands had just slammed shut behind Marcus, leaving the four of us in a hallway. He took the lead, and we continued walking quickly around a curved corridor.

Bella blanched, hands curled into fists when the screaming started. It echoed in the passage, driving knives into my stinging conscience. I loathed what they were doing, yet the blood smelled so sweet. And I was hungry. Really hungry. Had not had a good meal in weeks hungry. Was tempted to take a nibble or three right now of my scrumptious singer kind of hungry. This was moral. Last time we chatted, she had been bound and determined that she wanted me to take a bite or three out of her. The fear emanating from Bella, however, ruined my appetite, making me feel like a sinner before a saint. Alice smacking me on the back helped, too.

"Focus, grasshopper," she gave me the evil eye. And showed me a vision that curdled my venom of what would have happened had I decide to partake of my singer.

We paused in an antechamber. Marcus kindly suggested, "Why don't we go to my quarters and visit?" I almost tripped at the sound of his voice.

On the other side of the door down the hall, Aro halted in the midst of feeding on a goalie to say, "Oh, how wonderful! Marcus has decided to start speaking again. I think that is the first time he's talked in two hundred years." Aro nodded at a female vampire named Cecelia, who sulked at having to abandon her lunch to go babysit Marcus. From her thoughts as she scurried after us, I gathered she had been controlling his mind for quite some time out of fear he would hurt himself over the death of his mate. Well, he seemed fine to me.

Marcus met my perturbed gaze as Cecelia approached and I sniffed in disdain. Someone had exceptionally poor table manners as evinced by the blood splattering her clothing. Before she could see the approaching immortal, I spun Bella around and held her face against my chest.

"Sweetheart, you really don't want to look right now."

"Okay," she gulped.

"You know how you like my scent?" I asked Bella.

Jerkily, she nodded.

"Feel free to smell me all you want." She giggled for half a beat and then collapsed into tears.

"My apologies, Marcus." I bowed as I lifted Bella and backed away. "My mate is sensitive to the smell of human blood. I am afraid that I cannot have Cecelia around her in that condition."

Apparently, no one with a modicum of sense ever told Cecelia to go away. Marcus offered me the ghost of a smile and said to the indignant immortal, "We will not be requiring your services, Cecelia."

She tilted her head, a mockery of obeisance, "Yes, Master."

"Oh, and Cecelia?" She paused. Marcus said mildly, "If you ever attempt to use your power on me again, I will end your existence." I had never seen an immortal move that fast. When next I blinked, Marcus had her pinned against the stone wall. "Do we understand one another?"

Cecelia, in the face of all that ancient immortal intimidation, contemplated using her powers on Marcus. I had to give her credit, that took audacity. That whole meek act vanished in a trice. For a second there, I thought she was going to shriek.

"Edward, is she behaving?" Marcus must have read the answer in my eyes. Before I could utter a syllable, he stabbed her in the chest with some kind of metallic object. White ashes fell to the ground, as I thanked providence that Bella was occupied with sobbing against my chest. The weapon vanished in the folds of Marcus' robe. He dusted the remains of Cecelia from his clothing as if nothing untoward had occurred.

I needed to spend more time around Marcus. I suspected he could teach me a thing or nine.

At vampire pitch, he said, "Pick up your mate, she looks like she's about ready to faint."

My arms touched her just as her knees began to buckle. We ran to Marcus' quarters. Bella was out cold. Once we were seated on his overstuffed sofa, Marcus rang a bell, summoning a servant.

"How may I serve you, Master?" Jane asked while smirking at me.

Since, "Have your demon-spawn of a twin dismember you and immolate your sorry hide," was rude, I held my tongue. That damned pre-teen had made me convulse on the cold marble floor. Lots. Which kinda sorta hurt like the dickens. Not that I'd admit it. Someone had anger issues left over from her ignominious human death. It irritated me far more that she had distressed my out-like-a-light mate.

"Fetch appropriate attire for our guests, and a human doctor for Miss Swan."

"At once, Master."

Ten minutes later, guards appeared, carrying changes of clothing. How they knew our sizes was beyond me. A wizened crone who looked like something that escaped from a Hansel and Gretel storybook introduced herself as a physician. If she started feeling Bella's ribs like she was contemplating eating her, or discussing the use of leeches, I was going to have to do something drastic.

Alice said, "Edward, calm down and hand her over. Bella needs this. I'll stay and watch. It will be fine."

Begrudgingly, I did as she requested as Alice carried Bella into another chamber. Marcus directed me to another room, his library. I took advantage of the privacy it afforded to change, totally not looking at his collection of pornography. He had all the _Playboy_ magazines stored in plastic cases. They were archived right underneath his volumes from the _Journal of Military History_.

With the pinstriped suit, I now resembled something out of a mafia movie. All that I needed to do was have sunglasses and carry a machine gun in a viola case.

"Well?" Marcus asked as the doctor emerged from the bedroom where Bella now slept.

"She is malnourished and distraught. I have sedated her and put her on an IV for hydration."

The woman turned to me and said, "You need to take better care of your mate." She actually wagged a finger at me. How could I argue with the bald truth?

"Yes, ma'am."

Alice carried her back to me, and I laid Bella down on the sofa and covered her with a blanket after ensuring the her IV was not disturbed. My sister had changed her out of her damp clothes.

"Edward." Marcus snapped his fingers to obtain my attention. "You have a strong connection with Bella despite your separation. Go ahead and ask whatever it is that is troubling you."

"Why?"

"I do not follow."

"Why are you talking now? And I do not mean to cause offense, but you seem protective of Bella."

"Your plight moved me. Aro sees her as a property to be acquired. Caius fears her potential. I see her as your mate, and wish your coven to be left in peace to feast upon all the animals you desire. So you have my word, because I owe Carlisle much, that I will do whatever I can to ensure that happens."

"Oh." I could not think of anything profound to say. To me, it seemed like Marcus was using Bella and me as a battleground to antagonize Aro. For the record, I was totally fine with that.

"Besides," Marcus' lips twisted into a façade of a grin that chilled my venom, "I owe Aro for killing my mate. Karma is a bitch."

My eyes might possibly have bugged out of my skull. My sister immediately had several visions – all of which showed Aro is various stages of distress with our family at peace. While I loved her dearly, and was proud to call her my sister, occasionally this gift proved to be embarrassing.

Marcus canted his head as he observed Alice. "Is your sister having a fit of some sort? Should I send for a doctor?" He was too polite to point to the venom slobber that she had trailing from her mouth to the sofa.

"She is having multiple visions at once, all of which show you succeeding in your quest."

Marcus punched a fist into his palm. "She may drool on my furniture to her heart's content."

None of her visions showed precisely what he had in mind for Aro. Perhaps that concern showed on my face.

"Relax," Marcus assured me, "I'm not going to touch a hair on his head. _That,_" I'm guessing he meant 'killing Aro' by his emphasis, "would be too easy. True hazing, Edward, is when you make the other party do all the work."

Time seemed to pass in a blur after that. I let Alice do most of the talking as we waited for the sun to set. Marcus stared out the window and said, "This visit has been delightful. I will escort you home." He left out the "to make sure my scumbag of a brother doesn't stuff you and your girlfriend and sister into a dank hole and pretend he never saw you while forcing you to join the guard," part. Marcus was my hero.

Not that it was possible, but Aro appeared as if he were on the verge of having a stroke as we passed him in the hallway while making our dignified escape.  
>I had never been so happy to see the setting of the sun as we quickly took our leave. In addition to the fresh clothing, the Volturi were kind enough to offer us all cloaks.<p>

Felix said, "You know that shirt you tossed off before you did your diva act in the town square?"

"Technically, I never made it to the town square," I huffed. Thank God this conversation was taking place in Italian, which my sedated-to-her-eyeballs-at-present-hopefully-no-longer-ex-girlfriend did not speak.

"When we brought it to the fortress, Aro declared he wanted it saved." Felix chortled. No fool he, the giant mentally said to me, _"I think he plans on wearing it."  
><em>

Considering that Aro was about five feet in height, it would make the little gnome an excellent nightshirt.

With the black cloak billowing behind me in the breeze, I gathered Bella in my arms, and carried her from that horrid charnal pit in the earth. Flanked by Marcus' guards on either side, I followed my sister into the night hoping never to see their dungeon, I mean throne room, again.  
>I breathed on my sleeping beloved a time or twenty, doing my best to mask the ever so slight scent of Quileute shapeshifter that clung to her. Changing her clothing had rid her of most of it, and Alice had seen that it had been burned. Seeing as we kinda sorta had never bothered to mention our treaty with the Quileute tribe to the Volturi, and seeing as Marcus sat right across from us in the SUV that was rushing us to the nearest airport, I couldn't exactly ask my sister why my girlfriend's scent contained a trace amount of werewolf.<p>

Alice said to me, "Much has changed since we left."

You think? My girlfriend looked like she had lost eight pounds off her already skinny frame. I half expected Sally Struthers to walk out any second holding up Bella's picture and say, _"For just sixty-five cents a day, you can see that orphans like Bella are fed."  
><em>

"Like what?" I casually asked.

"Jacob Black has become Bella's best friend." Last time I checked, Bella said her own dingbat of a mother was her best friend. When had she been demoted for that scrawny treaty - breaker who squealed true tales of cold ones at the first chance he obtained with an outsider?

Sensing my confusion, Alice whistled, "And wow, you wouldn't believe how tall Jacob is now. He and several of his friends look like they've grown a foot and gained serious muscle mass." Magnificent.

I had to go and leave my mate for her own well being and she went and found the only other supernatural creature more deadly than a vampire: adolescent werewolves shapeshifters. Whatever the Hell they called themselves. By Saint Peter's rod, now I really was going to have a proper nervous breakdown. Would Xanax work on vampires? Because I wanted to borrow some from my zonked-out girlfriend.

I hid the trembling of my fingers by stroking Bella's hair. "So you've conversed with him?"

"Not that much. He seems to be rather territorial of Bella."

My eyebrows raised. Had my heart been beating, perhaps I might have experienced a spike in my blood pressure. Territorial? I think not. _That _ended now. I was soon to be back in town. And that punk needed to understand that I did not play well with others. I most definitely ran with sharp objects. I snapped my teeth together and ground them in frustration. Last, but not least, I did not share. Well, when it came to my girlfriend. I had standards. Sometimes.

Marcus drew me from my ruminations, "Edward, how old is Bella?"

"She is eighteen." That sounded much better than, _"Barely legal in my country."_

"I am under the impression this trip was hastily planned. Does she have family looking for her?"  
>Typical immortals did not give a damn what mortals thought. And then there was me. I cringed at the imagined reaction of her father. Charles Swan was not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he loved his daughter. Unfortunately. Why couldn't he be an ordinary mortal and ignore his teenager? His devotion to his daughter was all kinds of inconvenient at present.<p>

Alice hid her visions from me and said to us both, "Not to worry. I will take care of it."

Wonderful.

Seven hours into the trip, Bella finally awoke. Rubbing her eyes she said, "Where are we?" She made no comment about her new attire, beyond blushing five shades darker.

I certainly would not have minded helping my girlfriend into fresh clothing. Although, truth be told, I'd far prefer to be helping her out of it. Nevertheless, it would be ungentlemanly for me to allow her to be under the impression that I had done so longer than a few seconds.

Alice explained, "I changed your clothing. This is Marcus' private plane. We will be landing in New York soon to refuel. Then we will continue to Seattle."

"Oh."

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

Bella shuddered and said, "I don't think I can eat right now. Maybe later."

I contemplated ways to woo my dear little skinny-as-a-rail-one into eating. After using the plane's facilities, my dear little woozy one went right back to sleep, snoring like a sailor against my shoulder as I gave her another dose of sedatives. I pushed her hair away from her forehead and pulled another blanket around her. As Bella blinked at me, drowsily, I said from the bottom of my pitch-black soul, "I love you. Forgive me."

She fell back asleep after muttering, "Mmfph."

I say that totally means that I'm forgiven. My mate is, after all, a saint.

When we landed at the airport and exited the plane straight into a drizzle, we met my family at the foot of the stairs. I was carrying Bella, who was still quite asleep. Esme initially was frustrated that she could not wring my neck, hug me, or both, and then she gawped when she spied Bella.

"She looks awful, Edward." My vampire mother then sharply elbowed Rosalie, who had been staring at the concrete. "You have something to say to your brother."

"I'm sorry," Rosalie mumbled. Even Emmett glared at her. Rosalie left out the, "that your stupid human is still alive. I hate being wrong. And way to go being all diva on us and trying to get yourself killed. Have you any idea of the anguish you've caused?" -part.

Balefully, I glared at her and snarled at vampire pitch. "Sister dear, you will accept that I am mated to Bella." She sucked in air she definitely didn't need.

Emmett said, "He's right, hon. You've been way too hard on Bella. I like her. Get over whatever is eating at you. Bella's not going anywhere." Rosalie gave him the glare that we all knew meant, "I'm not having sexual relations with you for at least twenty-two hours," and stomped away.

Alice chirped, "We need to split up. Rosalie and Emmett should escort Marcus and his guards to our home. The rest of us all have to drive straight to Bella's house."

So we did. I stepped out of the car to see Jacob Black and his noisome friends skulking in the sword ferns in the woods behind Chief Swan's house.

They weren't particularly subtle when three of them hissed, "Bloodsuckers!"

"Actually, if you want to be technical about it, you should call us animal blood suckers." I whispered back at vampire pitch.

They yelped and one, named Quil bellowed, "Shit! Fuck! They can hear us!" He then slapped a large hand over his mouth.

"Yes, we can." My father said, "You will watch your language around my wife. Take a message back to your alpha that we must meet. We are back in town. For good."

Charlie Swan was armed and lugubrious upon greeting us at the doorway of his domicile. He took one look at Bella asleep in my arms and began bellowing, "You, out of my house!"

I peered down at him perhaps like he was an idiot, seeing as I currently held his precious daughter and had yet to step IN his house; a domicile, by the way, that positively reeked of malodorous stenchwolves. It was a testimony to my beloved that I was willing to carry her over the threshold of that house.

Carlisle said, "Charles, my family and I need to talk with you. Bella is asleep and should stay that way, don't you think?"

Charlie blinked and muttered, "Fine. Let me put her to bed." Alice trailed after him once I had begrudgingly handed my mate over to her dunce of a father.

He pounded down the staircase and said, "This had better be good."

Alice said, "Jasper has something to say." I watched, feigning composure, as Jasper adopted a hound dog expression. My brother cleared his throat and used his gift to emit mortification and guilt. Charlie's eyes almost glazed over as the waves struck and boondoggled his tiny brain.

Jasper said, "I," ahem, "am really sorry. I have a confession to make."

My eyebrows shot up and I wondered for half a second if I needed to tell Charlie that Jasper had one too many to drink.

Alice hissed at me at vampire pitch. "Zip it, emo-boy." So I did.

"I have had strong feelings for Bella for quite some time." Yes, feelings of _hunger_. He wanted to drink her like the cook who accidentally found the last orange on a scurvy infested ship. Charlie, however, didn't need to know that. My brother beamed guilt at him.

Chief Swan looked from Jasper to me and said the painfully obvious, "She was dating your brother."

"I know. Edward and I fought." Technically, that was true. We did fight when he accidentally-on-purpose tried to drink my mate like a Slurpee® on a hot day. I found that to be rude. Especially since it was her birthday and all.

That's when Esme stepped in. I could tell that Charles Swan found her attractive. He always blushed when she addressed him.

"Charles, we could not have our children fighting. Bella was unaware of the conflict, and we refused to make her choose. So we opted to leave instead. It was a hasty decision that we have come to regret. We ran into Bella and have been working things out with her for the past few days."

"This is news to me."

Mother blinked, "Did you not get the emails that I sent you?" Charlie scratched his head and said, "Um, no. I haven't checked my account. All I knew was Jacob told me she took off with Alice."

Carlisle said, "I texted your phone three times. Did you not receive them?"

Jasper had hacked into his account and planted the fake emails and texts. My family was sneaky that way. Charlie now looked like an imbecile and he knew it.

He blustered, "My daughter suffered these past few months."

"We know. Our family has suffered as well being away from her." We all looked mournful. I did my best to appear heartbroken which was not all that difficult.

"Well, kid. What are you going to do?" Charlie asked Jasper.

"I have come to realize that my feelings for her were, um, wrong. I will not stand in the way of her dating Edward." Understatement of the century that. Jasper then powerblasted Chief Swan with relief and happiness, doubtlessly to counteract the virulent hatred the man felt towards me. The images roiling through his mind were positively disturbing. Bella and I were definitely going to have to talk. Gulp. Talking. I detest talking. The things I did in the name of eternal love.

As we took our leave of Chief Swan, I sensed the mind of Jacob Black returning as wolves approached the house. Fortunately, his malodorous body had not befouled the dusty air of Bella's bedroom. Lately.

Neither Jacob Black nor any of the other mangy dogs he ran with would keep me from my love's side. He certainly didn't intimidate me even though he now stood taller; I had year's worth of experience in fighting and was light years ahead of him in intellect. And I had an existing mate bond. I did appreciate that the combination of the wolf gene and stupidity could be problematic in his case, but vowed to protect Bella from being harmed by the adolescent dog. And I wasn't about to let her set foot in La Push with Victoria running amok.

I reached out with my senses and found the wolf link and dove in and feasted upon every image I could glean. And my, they were just full of all kinds of news. Victoria had been terrorizing Bella. Laurent was dog chow, literally, after trying to snack on my beloved. I texted the news to my family. Jasper and Emmett took position outside on the perimeter of the Swan property. I had a lot of making up to do. First on the agenda would be killing Victoria to ensure I could continue to do that making up business. Emmett couldn't believe how calm I was considering the news.

Jasper greeted Jake looking positively bored. "Oh, hello. Jacob, is it? I'm Jasper. We're going to be guarding Bella tonight and every night after."

Jacob growled. I cheerily waved at him from Bella's window.

Emmett said to the rest of the pack, "Bella is Edward's mate. We thank you for helping her while we were gone. We will see to her safety, on that you have our word."

Jacob heard the word "mate" and his mind first went to the gutter, and then realized the other meaning of that term and bounded off yowling like a strangled cat into the woods. Pity. That.

Bella would soon come around to my way of thinking. All would soon be well just as soon as I convinced her to marry me.

**Thanks for reading. Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Many thanks to LJ Summers, Fantasy Mother, Irritable Grizzzly, and prettyflour for the beta assistance. Thanks to pomme_de_terre, Jillian Landers, and Venemousgal for the pre-reading.**

**Thanks to all for reading and reviewing!**

**Chapter Two - Who Let The Dogs Out?**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

**Snarky Summary: So, here we are again. It's been so long! *wipes away venom tear.* Last chapter Edward kept Bella from watching the Volturi dining on Mexican food. Spoilsport. Marcus came out of his several-hundred-year sulk and actually conversed. And killed Cecelia to end that inconvenient mind-control dealio. He decided to escort Edward, Bella, and Alice home, for the sheer beauty of pissing off his brother. Which is totally fair, he would like me to point out. Creepy little weasel killed his wife. Mind you, it was over a thousand years ago, but Marcus **_**really**_** knows how to hold a grudge. And the silent treatment didn't seem to be working on Aro. He can adjust his strategies. **

**Alice informed Edward that Bella had a new best friend: Jacob Black, a stinky adolescent stench-sploding shapeshifter best friend. Edward is, for the record, not amused. When he asked Bella to avoid taking risks, this was not what he'd had in mind. They land in Seattle. Rosalie apologizes. Sort of. Edward accepts it. Not really. *snorts* **

**Alice has a master plan to explain their absence that is kind of sort of based on the truth. Jasper confesses his sins to Charlie – saying that it was all his fault they had to leave and that he could not control his feelings for Bella. The Cullens and wolves meet for the first time and exchange pleasantries. Carlisle invites the wolves to a party. Edward decides now that Bella is officially his mate, he needs to convince her to marry him. Soon. And so we begin.**

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><p>Sitting up beside my mate as she slept, I studied my surroundings. Despite having the furniture in the same place, her room seemed different. Bella's battered school books were sloppily stacked in a leaning tower on her desk by her decrepit gargoyle computer. Reading her lecture notes showed she seemed not to have been paying attention - drawing half the time. She sketched pictures of enormous wolves, one of me with dark eyes, and a snarling James. I never knew she possessed such talent with a pencil. Her picture of me showed someone as remote as a sculpture on the face of an ancient Greek tomb, staring down at her with pitiless eyes. Perhaps I deserved that. I was a good actor, after all.<p>

Given that her senior year would end in a few months, I had expected her desk to be papered with letters from higher educational institutions fighting like toddlers over the honor of having her attend their school. Bella ranked in the top ten of her class. Searching through her desk -for a pen, of course - showed not a single admissions letter. Odd. Very odd. Nor could I find evidence she had taken her SAT exam.

When I hit the power button on her computer, it wheezed like an octogenarian running laps. Her e-mail account illustrated that she had been ducking messages and phone calls from her scatterbrained mother, and evinced no electronic communication with any university or college. While I could understand – even justify the first, the second concerned me. Examining the search engine history showed she had researched how to make a last will and testament, how to plan a non-religious memorial service, the history of werewolves, the symbolic messages behind certain flowers, and what death by exsanguination felt like. A quick "liberation" of her school file showed her grades had dropped. Where had happened to her priorities? Had she been trying to find someone to turn her while we were gone? She had promised me that she would be safe. I had to admire her tenacity, though. My little mate is nothing if not determined.

I stumbled upon another file marked, "In case I die." It seemed she had purchased the services of a local funeral home so that should she pass away her father would not have to worry about the arrangements. My poor mate. I had no idea how she'd survived without me around. It was a good thing I had returned and could set matters aright. Examining the contract showed me that they had taken advantage of my shy, unassuming beloved. Cremation didn't cost _that_ much. I kept prying – I mean searching – for information that I could use.

Her college savings account was almost empty of funds that she'd earned at her job. Bella never spent money on anything. What had she been _doing_? Paying those Quileute barbarians to protect her? I tried to type quietly so she wouldn't catch me spying – I mean intruding – on her personal life. This was for her protection, after all. Like the mature adult and devoted mate that I am, I was obligated to put her welfare first. Perhaps I might have bent a few laws in the process, but it's not hacking if your heart is in the right place. I considered it irrelevant that mine no longer functioned physiologically. The point was that this was all done out of love and the overriding desire to protect her well-being since she's proven herself incapable of doing it on her own.

It had been months –and felt far, far, longer – since I'd been alone with Bella rather than being haunted by the fantasy of her that had dogged my every step. I was so grateful that she was alive and respiring that I just wanted to pounce upon her and kiss her senseless. Unfortunately for me, she currently _was _senseless, so it would be the height of rudeness to take advantage of the situation. Both my mothers had raised me with proper manners. But it was the thought that counted. Right?

Research showed that being touched by a loved one helped improve the immune system, so I'd get working on that just as soon as she opened her eyes. I pulled her close and breathed in her fragrance and traced my nose along the nape of her neck. How I had missed her shy smiles and delicious scent. Lord, with every heartbeat I fell in love with her all over again. I could not get enough of this woman. Her scent, too.

Emmett scolded me from outside the house where he and Jasper lurked. "Buddy, I don't need to remind you that you can't _eat _your girlfriend, right?" Pervert. He didn't mean it _that _way. Alas, he meant should I get the urge to chomp upon her delectable neck. I froze.

Not that I would allow him to dictate my nonexistent sex life. Emmett continued pestering me. "If you can hang on, Alice is going to bring you some deer blood." He said that part from _inside _Bella's room. How rude! Privacy please? I wanted to be left in peace to snort - I mean inhale - my singer like any deviant vampire would. I scooted away from her side when I looked upon Emmett's mighty judgmental glare. Spoilsport. I never interrupted him with_ his _mate.

"How is she?" Emmett leaned over her and put his face entirely too close to hers. "Wow! Bella doesn't look too good." He sniffed loudly, like an animal. "Her blood smells funny." Any second now I would not be surprised if he started searching her hair for fleas like a mother monkey with her babe.

He did NOT just insult her precious blood. And if Bella woke up with him leaning over her like that, snuffling, she would be horribly offended and possibly do something drastic and injure herself. Emmett took a step back when he saw the absolutely venomous expression on my face.

"Her blood smells the same," I huffed - I mean _said _and crossed my arms. Fine. She was a little low on iron. Potassium, too. And eight other vitamins. But still.

"Edward, she's way too skinny for a human her size."

"I know."

Jasper commented from his position downstairs, "Brother, even _I_ wouldn't be tempted to drink her now."

When Jasper – who was the equivalent of a sucking vortex in terms of his appetite for human blood – turned up his plebian nose, then something had to be seriously wrong. She didn't smell like she had picked up the Ebola virus or Bubonic plague, but perhaps I'd suggest to Carlisle that he do an extensive work-up just in case. One couldn't be too careful where her welfare was concerned.

"What the Hell happened?" Emmett smacked me on the back of my head. "You were supposed to cave and come home, you doofus."

Perhaps calling me a "doofus" was too kind. Miserably, I cradled my skull and said, "I know."

When he hit me, my neck twisted and I found a new sight that garnered my undivided attention and perhaps I might have expressed my disdain vocally in an inappropriate manner.

I felt as if someone had enthusiastically clog-danced upon my heart with spiked shoes when I saw that in place of pictures of us, she had one of her and the supernaturally large troglodyte Jacob Black. Adding insult to injury, the dog was only wearing a ratty pair of cut-off jeans. I lunged, arms outreached, for her desk. That picture needed to die. Immediately.

"That son of a bi-," Emmett clapped his hand over my mouth. I bit my tongue until I could taste the venom.

Emmett held me in place and said, "Buddy, you're way too loud, you look like you want to kill something, and you almost swore. What's going on?

"So?" I mumbled from behind his hand.

"I know you don't want to wake her up, so being this loud is not like you. Besides, in all the years I've known you, I've never once heard you swear. What is it?"

He followed my gaze and patted my shoulder. "Oh, man. I'm sending for Alice." Emmett pulled out his phone and texted my sister: "Edward seriously freaking out. He just swore. Get here now."

Marvelous. When did my sister become the vampire equivalent of a straight jacket?

From outside, Jasper inquired, "What's going on? I'm feeling jealousy from Edward. That can't be right."

"Bella's hung her wall with wolf porn," Emmett blurted. Oh the shame. My love was objectifying my supernatural enemy. How had she fallen this far in such a short amount of time?

"What?" Jasper sounded aghast.

I had no words, so Emmett "helped" me by relaying the pertinent information to Jasper. "Bella doesn't have a single picture of Edward up, but she does have one of her and that half-dressed mutt Jacob Black - who definitely is a shapeshifter. Freak looks like he ate an anabolic steroid factory."

Taken at the beach, the candid shot showed Jacob with his arms wrapped around her from behind, wearing a supercilious smile, and chucking her under the chin. Bella had a fist raised like she was about ready to playfully hit him. She seemed happy until you looked in her eyes where a glimmer of pain showed. Bella masked it well with her grin. I hadn't seen a winsome smile like that from her since before I left, despite being reunited and definitely not dead. Despite being modest, she did not appear uncomfortable with the muscle-bound mongrel's proximity or lack of appropriate attire.

I feigned nonchalance. "So she has a picture with a Neanderthal in tight shorts. It doesn't mean anything." And oh wait, not that I would admit this to either brother, but I was the reason why those pictures of Bella and me were missing in the first place. Yet another reminder of what a gargantuan mistake I had made in leaving her. Stealing all the photos of us to convince her that she was better off without me had clearly been a tactical error. Rude, too. I could not look away from that trainwreck of a photo. Jacob's teeth almost looked like they were glowing. I could have sworn the audacious bastard winked at me. Alice had not mentioned that she was dating anyone. Why, then, would she have such an intimate picture? Friends did not hold one another like that. Not any friends that I knew. I was going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice on behalf of my mate and get within sniffing distance of that dog to find out what was on his tiny little mind.

Quite possibly, I needed to reevaluate my standards. Considering she had flown across the globe to prevent me from killing myself in a fit of folly, had met Aro - who tried to supernaturally use a crowbar to pry into her mind, and had been forced to listen to the slaughter of innocent teenage men, perhaps I was being unrealistic in my complaints about her not smiling much around me lately. She was jetlagged and sedated, after all. Unlike Jacob, I had a prior claim on her heart. A valid one. I needed to remember my dignity and find a way to kill that blowhard without breaking the treaty.

Hang dignity! I wanted to shred that photograph! This was devastating. When I had suggested she move on, I had meant with someone of the _human _race. Preferably someone boring. I started to make a sound quite unbecoming a vampire - before I realized I almost woke Bella up a second time. She grumbled and punched her pillow. Freezing in place, I waited until she resumed her adorable snore.

Like tempted thieves, my eyes could not stop lingering on that damned picture. I should look elsewhere to take my mind off of it. Perhaps staring at Bella's breasts would do the trick. No. Couldn't do that in front of my duenna of a brother. Obviously, tearing the photograph into tiny pieces would be petty, vindictive, and most probably land me deeper in her dog house.

Emmett said, "Bella's your mate, Edward. Give her some time, apologize your ass off, insist that everything is your fault no matter what she says, and she'll come around. She's the real thing." He glared at me. "Are you in control enough for me to step back?"

"Yes."

He watched me like prey.

"Why would I insist that I am wrong regardless of what she says?"

"Because that's how men argue with women."

"Beg pardon, Emmett, but how is it an argument if the man is admitting fault?"

"Take my word for it. No matter what, we're always wrong. Rule number one in having a mate."

There were _rules _about this? I wasn't aware the mates came with an instruction book. This required research on my part to make up for my appalling ignorance. I was going to have to talk to Carlisle. Because did not hold a book that covered vampire mating. Well, it did. But they were fiction. And hilariously bad. And not much help.

Alice picked that moment to show up with three bags of blood, also known as vegetarian take-out for the pathetic loser the family didn't trust to trip over a deer and land upon it with his teeth. Marcus had offered us cow's blood on the plane, which was all he could scrounge up on short notice. I'd practically inhaled it, and did the same now.

Emmett said to Alice, "What gives?"

"I can't see Bella's future when she's around them. That's how this misunderstanding started in the first place."

"Are you telling me she dies?" I panicked. This was unacceptable. I would have to spend every moment with her and just have Alice keep bringing me blood. Bella would understand. She loved having me around all the time.

"No, just that those wolves have some way of blocking me from predicting the future of the people around them." She patted my forearm, and handed me another bag. "Drink up."

"He looks a little better," Emmett said once I finished my meal. "Not all wild-eyed."

She nodded in agreement. I would bet if he saw a picture of his own mate being pawed by an adolescent half-dressed stench-wolf that he would not be so calm.

"She sees Jacob as a friend, Edward," Alice explained at vampire pitch. I rolled my eyes and returned to trying to kill the picture with my eyes. "He's protective of her because she had a difficult time when you left."

If she was choosing to hang around Jacob Black of her own free will, my dear little deluded one had lost her mind.

"I doubt he has friend-like aspirations where Bella is concerned."

Emmett pointed at the picture and said, "That doesn't look protective. He's all but drooling on her."

"We'll talk later, Emmett. Edward will be fine for now. Give him some time alone with Bella."

Emmett left and Alice wagged a finger at me. "If you tear up that picture, you'll only drive her to him." Then she sighed and said, "Here," extending a small box to me. "Suck on one of these." My sister, unlike my brothers, understood me. She had thought of everything and left me with breath mints. No sense in scaring Bella into fits of nausea with deer blood breath.

"You have a fight on your hands. You cannot get pushy about Jacob."

"Or what?"

"I can't see what happens with him. I _can_ see Bella becoming upset."

"So? It's for her best interest. He's a new wolf. He could phase and tear her to shreds."

"I already had this discussion with her on our way to find you. Bella knows that, Edward. She's willing to accept that risk. Harping about it will only drive her toward him."

"What do I do?"

"Fight for her heart."

This required further planning. I now had to launch a campaign to woo my mate. My Bella was never going to know what hit her.

As Alice vanished through the window, I noticed that something seemed odd about Bella's bookshelf. All her music CDs were missing. I checked beneath her bed because occasionally she'd stuff one under there, only to find that the dust bunnies lurking thereabout had reproduced at an alarming rate. I'd have to remind her to clean that up tomorrow or do it for her if she'd let me. Her closet door stood partially open. It seemed almost empty of clothing. Then I found the trash bag lurking on the floor waving at me maliciously. My heart sank when I discovered what she had stored in the bag.

She had ripped out the stereo from her truck and - as evinced by the dried bloodstains - had cut herself in the process. Bella had systematically shattered her entire collection of CDs, including the few she had permitted me to give her. She had cut into pieces all the clothing our family had purchased for her. Alice would be distraught. I couldn't imagine considerate Bella doing this to her own things. Maybe Jacob had bullied her into doing it? If he'd made her cut her hands on that stereo, he and I would be having words sooner rather than later. Then I looked at the torn clothing and realized they were cut into precise squares. A man wouldn't have bothered. She had to have done this on her own.

Okay, so perhaps I'd made my dear little self-destructive one a wee bit angry. But I had already apologized, and would do so however many times she needed to hear my sincere contrition. She had to forgive me. We were mates. That meant I could shop for her as an act of penance. Given how much I loathed shopping, surely that gesture would convey to her my sincere contrition?

My phone chirped. My new phone, that is, as I had crunched the other one after talking to a certain sibling who made Godzilla on a rampage seem charming in comparison. The horribly mean Amazon. No, even that did not completely express my anger toward her. I could hardly say her name. She was still going to face my wrath. When Esme wasn't looking. I had survival skills. Sometimes. What kind of a person thought it was _good news_ that my mortal beloved had died? Why would she think if she told me this immediately that I'd just come home and return to normal? Was she _really_ mated? Her excuse would be that I couldn't possibly have strong feelings for a human as for a vampire. I guess the enormous amount of brooding I'd done hadn't been enough of an indication as to my true feelings.

Once we got to school, I would feign ignorance as to who started the rumor that Rosalie was secretly having affairs with the haphazardly hirsute Mr. Banner, marginal in every way that mattered, Mike Newton, and horse-faced Jessica Stanley. At the same time. Scratch Jessica Stanley. I'd add _Lauren Mallory_ to the mix.

The students would believe Lauren would sleep with Sasquatch if it would garner her attention. I suspected it would be gossip gold. To protect the rights of all male vampires to date their female human singers, I took one step for liberty. I emailed the rumor to nineteen loud-mouthed students under Jessica Stanley's account. Ah, the perils of high school. I couldn't wait to get back to school to see the bloodshed. Speaking of which – I wondered if I could cut class to kill Jacob. This whole attending high school while planning world domination business was getting old. I was never setting foot in a high school again after this year. The fan in Bella's ancient CPU complained about its arthritis, so I shut the system off.

Speaking of survival skills, I remembered the reason I'd gone on this little rant and looked at my phone to see a text from my father. "After apologizing to Bella, you will come straight home for a physical and a talk with your parents. You have one hour or I'm sending the wolves to escort you. Be gentle with Bella."

I answered, "The wolves?" He had to be bluffing. It's not like we were on speaking terms with them. The family had only returned to Forks days ago. We didn't even know how many there were.

My phone pinged with his reply. "Their stench should make you run faster; they definitely are motivated to get you away from Bella, and let's face it, your brothers together would do a better job of guarding her than the entire pack."

Full of umbrage, I typed back, "Jasper tried to EAT her."

Father rejoined, "Which is why Emmett is staying with him. He is still better at defending Bella, and you know it. Stop wasting time. Talk to her and come home."

As Carlisle's "eldest" son, I had always been his golden child. Okay _fine_, so I had gone on a three-year bender in Chicago and had drunk humans like a homeless alcoholic locked in a bar overnight. In my defense, the men I had dispatched were dregs of humanity, so no one _really _missed them. I considered it a form of Social Darwinism. I felt bad after three years of gorging – bad that I'd done such a good job, their number had diminished greatly and I had run out of degenerates to kill in the city of Chicago.

Missing my family, I had returned home to a gracious welcome and hadn't fallen off the wagon since. My coven had been so delighted about my return that Carlisle had tried to gift me with Rosalie as a potential mate. Worst gift _ever_. He'd been worried that I was constantly morose. I never made it a secret that I was self-loathing and looking at the happiness of my parents when in my presence didn't help my mental condition. I sincerely wondered when I figured out what he had planned, if Carlisle had wanted to drive me insane. Calling Rosalie a shrew was an insult to shrews the world over. Carlisle had figured he could kill two birds with one stone with finding me a mate in Rosalie. He was wrong.

Privately, I had told him that given the choice between sexual congress with Rosalie and masturbation, my hand won that contest every time. I would have happily preferred being caught wet-handed for a hundred years to bedding that harpy. I'd been overjoyed when she'd stumbled upon Emmett in the forest and had brought him home begging Carlisle to take a nibble or two on his neck.

Regarding my position in the coven, I was under no such illusions now of my exalted status. I had forced everyone to leave Forks and then gallivanted off on a fruitless search for Victoria in my quest to be the immortal version of Don Quixote. All along she had been terrorizing Bella back _here_ - which left me in the distinctly uncomfortable position of being grateful to a supernatural enemy for protecting my mate. It also made us appear to the immortal world like the most inept coven on earth. I could hear the jokes now that we lived off of animals because we were too stupid to hunt people.

"Edward, don't leave. Victoria. No! James. Bite me! Jake, run!"

Bella began thrashing her legs. I covered her mouth as she screamed, which in hindsight was not the smartest idea, as it brought both my brothers rushing into the room looking for something to slay and staring at my hand.

Emmett held up a palm. "Sorry to interrupt, but I need to make sure you aren't chowing down on your mate."

I did not dignify that with a reply.

She wriggled even more. Her heart rate soared. I could smell her fear. Jasper used his gift on her until she relaxed.

"You're at home. You're safe. Nothing can harm you," I whispered. _Except me_. By opening my stupid mouth and speaking. And I might possibly have breathed on her four times. Sufficiently dazed, she settled back into an uneasy repose, curled around me. Her scent sang to me its siren lure. My brothers left without a word. I swallowed a mouthful of venom and remorse as memories of past follies came home to roost.

After my return from Chicago, I never permitted myself to socialize with humans beyond greetings. So when Bella came along, well, she'd thrown me for a loop on every level. But I had a really good excuse with her. She was my singer. I had a nonexistent track record when it came to making love. If I did not have my wits about me, it took but a whiff of her blood to send me into ecstasy.

Around the time I'd left, Bella had been trying to move on from just kissing. I had nearly ripped her throat out the first time she accidentally-on-purpose pressed her pelvis against my erection. But I loved her. And I wasn't about to make love to her when she was human. I didn't lie to her about being a virgin. I told her the absolute truth when I said I was terrified that my inexperience would get her killed. And then I always pulled away and stopped breathing. To ensure that she continued living.

Without remorse, I had killed hundreds of bad men, making me a certifiable monster. And I ran from Bella that day in the woods after lying to her because I was a coward. But I hadn't dissembled when I'd said she was better off without me, the refrain I had sung countless times as I searched high and low for Victoria all those endless days. Perhaps this was Divine Punishment for my sins: to utterly love a woman who wanted to be with me as a man, and me be incapable of physically expressing that love.

Bella wanted me to turn her. I couldn't help but fear, before I had left, that she had been trying to tempt me when we kissed into, well, definitely _more_ than kissing. Love play that would lead to venom play of the permanent kind. Yes, I had sucked the venom out when James had bitten her, but that was because I'd had my family staring at me, watching to make sure I didn't drain her dry. And I'd wanted her to remain human in that moment more than I had wanted her blood.

I had battled with myself in those few seconds, and only just managed to maintain my control. That was from sucking out venom from a single small bite. What if after she was turned I no longer found her so alluring? If certain parts of me that had been so eager to ravish her senseless, decided they preferred being unemployed? This conundrum made me the unluckiest virgin vampire in the world with the hottest, sweetest, most giving mate in the universe. Well, my universe.

_Speaking of givin__g…_ "What am I going to do with you?" I mouthed, watching her features as she slept. "I love you. God, how I love you. You have no idea how much I love you." Realizing my brothers could hear if I spoke aloud, and that I looked like a beached fish moving my lips noiselessly, I said no more. The picture of Jacob made rude gestures at me from across the room. So I made ones right back.

When we had spirited from Forks all those months back, my family, with the exception of the obdurate Rosalie, had been under the illusion that it was only a matter of time before I'd cave. They'd all come back generously refraining from shouting, "I told you so!" Bella would welcome us with open arms. Emmett had predicted I'd last less than a week. Ironic, considering we had a _psychic_ in the family. Who needed her brain checked. I mean, I know she had told me that this was a bad idea, but I thought she was exaggerating because she was losing out on makeover opportunities.

One did not need to possess Alice's alleged gift to know that both my parents were going to rip me a new body part when I returned to their loving arms. I couldn't bring myself to really care. Having them angry at me registered a zero on my emotional Richter scale compared to the earthquake I had felt when I had believed Bella dead. Okay, fine, so I had gone stark raving mad in front of family friends, and immortal rulers or our species. Sue me. I had brought Marcus back, and had avoided that whole being invited to join Aro's boy band – I mean Volturi guard - business, so _that_ had to count for something. And Bella, Alice, and I were all in one piece. Relatively speaking.

Using my gift at the airport upon our arrival, a survey of my family's perceptions had indicated they felt all kinds of anguish over Bella's plight and my stupidity, and their role in perpetuating both. As time had progressed with its merciless march, my parents had come to feel like hypocrites, extending their love to Bella only to leave without a word. They did not blame me. They blamed themselves for listening to me in the first place. I did not need a family vote to concur they believed me to be a dolt.

Chief Swan's bass-shaped alarm clock would go off soon. I felt bad waking Bella when she looked so exhausted. I did not want her to wake up alone, though. The drugs were working out of her system and we'd not had a chance to talk.

"Bella?"

She came awake slowly, holding her head with both hands, and rolled to her side away from me. I could see the vertebrae of her spine through her shirt.

"Are you in pain?" I hated it when she had her back to me.

Her voice sounded hoarse. "Just woozy. Give me a minute." So I did. A minute and a half by my count. Occasionally, I could be generous.

I rifled through father's medical kit that he'd handed to me when he'd realized I had no intention of leaving Bella alone until she awoke. "Carlisle wants you to have an injection. I figured you would prefer to be awake."

"What is it?"

"It will keep you calm. He wants to see you today at the hospital. I've programmed all our numbers into your phone. Please call him when you can to schedule a time." I would have been happy to take her, but Father for some odd reason refused to let me drive. Talk about being an eternal teenager. I was over a century old and still grounded. Which sucked.

Bella tried in vain to tug up the sleeve of her long-sleeved turtleneck.

"Screw it," she said and lifted her shirt over her head, then held it to her chest staring anywhere but at me. She wore a thin camisole over a lacy black bra. Her arms were painfully thin. She'd lost muscle mass. I tamped down my impure thoughts and reminded myself sixty-nine times that I was a professionally-trained physician. In a sense. Without a word, I swiped her upper arm with alcohol and gave her the shot at vampire speed.

Bella asked, as she put her shirt back on, "Did they kill all those people?" I wondered if she had perhaps hit her head on the plane when I wasn't obsessively keeping track of her vital signs. I put away the supplies in Carlisle's medical bag and lied on the bed beside her. My Bella was an intelligent woman. What did she think all that screaming had been about? A missed penalty kick? Did the Volturi look like they preferred _soccer_ to blood drinking? They brought entirely new meaning to the phrase _insane__ soccer fans_.

Calmly, I answered, "They did."

"Why?" Her voice broke. I stroked her back. It felt like a bundle of knots held together by stress and sheer willpower.

"Because they can. They're not a group to fight, Bella." That sounded much better than, "They really suck at hunting anything with more than two feet," or "If forced to be vegetarians, they'd starve."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Weak human, remember? Does Marcus do that?"

"I'm told he considers those events to be tacky and unsportsmanlike. He lives off of donated blood." I left out that he had battled his way through legions of humans while he was the Volturi war leader. She didn't need to know that particular detail. Given his advanced age, goodness only knew how many humans he had quaffed.

"Good for Marcus."

"Have you changed your mind about becoming one of us?" After those fumbling words escaped me, I realized my error.

Bella's spine straightened. "Are you going to fight me on this?"

"So long as you put some thought into it, Bella, I will respect your decision."

"What thinking is there to do? Either I get turned or die. Pretty simple choices there, Edward," she said in a small voice. "No matter which one I pick, in the end I'm still a goner."

I leave for four months and when I come back my sweet selfless girlfriend has become just as morose as I was. How was that fair? What had happened to my stubbornly optimistic mate?

"Marcus is not going to insist you be changed immediately. I want you to understand what you're giving up to become immortal."

"Everything. Figured that one out months ago."

I pulled her into my arms, spooning her again. "Make no mistake; I'm inherently a selfish creature. You being immortal means I get to have you in my life. Of course I'm not going to fight it."

What reasonable vampire would meet his mate and then let her age and die? I loved this woman. I could not bear minutes without her, much less a lifetime or five. Of course, I also didn't feel like having my entire family slaughtered by the Volturi for breaking one of their canon laws. And then there was my healthy fear of Marcus's wrath. Bella still had a pulse because of his intervention with the perpetually grouchy Caius, and the devious Aro. I had given my word of honor that she would be changed as soon as possible.

"Will you keep me from becoming like _that_?"

"Yes. We all will until you finish your newborn period. You will never be alone."

"Okay. I don't think I could live with myself if I killed like that, Edward. Those poor kids weren't much older than I am."

Bella rolled toward me and wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. I kissed away her tears. She stilled when my lips touched her cheeks. I ignored it and decided to give the speech I had rehearsed ever since I first realized she was alive. Maybe then she'd stop acting like I was going to vanish any second.

"We might not die in the traditional sense, but it's very easy to create our own Hell on earth. I've been living in one for the past several months. I hear you've been, too. I am so sorry for leaving, so sorry for the cruel words I did not mean when I left, so sorry you were left alone to have to deal with this mess. I will spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you." There. That was a fine apology. Sincere. –Heartfelt.

She even smiled at me. "You really mean that?" The catch in her voice lashed at my raw contrition. "'Cause, no offense, Edward, but you've kind of been, um, not very rational lately. You scared the heck out of me in Italy."

"I mean every word. Forgive me?" I touched her nose with my index finger. She had shadows under her eyes that resembled my own after three weeks of not feeding. Her nails were split and broken. She had picked up the habit of chewing them, it seemed. Don't get me started on her cuticles. She could pick up something like staph and have to be turned prematurely. I needed to treat those fingers as soon as possible. Carlisle's bag contained supplies for major emergencies, not minor.

Solemnly, she met my gaze. "I'll work on it." That was better than I had expected. And at least she wasn't screaming at me to get out of her sight. I started to get up and she said, her voice rising, "Where are you going?"

"To fetch something for you. I'll be right back." Bella looked panicked, scrambled up from the bed, and hovered at her doorway as I walked down the hall. At vampire speed, I retrieved cotton balls, hydrogen peroxide, and an antibiotic ointment from the bathroom. She seemed relieved when I came back to her room. I led her back to her bed and quietly shut her door before sitting down beside her.

"Your poor hands." I rubbed at the cuts and ripped skin with the soaked cotton ball. She didn't complain when I treated her fingers with the ointment.

"Thank you. You didn't have to do that," she said when I finished. "Edward, why did you leave?"

"To draw Victoria away and hunt her."

That wasn't the entire reason, but it was one of them. It sounded far better than saying, "To keep from pouncing upon you and drinking you dry like the Sahara when attempting sexual intercourse."

"You're out of your mind!" she said, smacking me twice. Which hurt her more than it did me.

"Why? She's one irritating immortal with better than average evasion skills. Seeing as she wants you dead, I kind of like the idea of her no longer plaguing us." Maybe that was an understatement. It hurt my pride that none of us had caught her -even Jasper, Mr. I-chomped-my-way-through-Latin-America-and-could-easily-kill-you-with-one-broken-tooth.

"You went off to do this by yourself? Without your family if I had to guess." Caught red-handed being heroic, self-sacrificing, and did I mention, noble?

"Yes." I waited for the depths of my sacrifice to occur to her. And waited. And waited.

Bella shook her head sadly and appeared on the verge of tears. "Proves my point. You'd better never do anything that stupid again. The _entire pack _hasn't been able to catch her and they took Laurent apart . . ." She gulped. From Alice's thoughts I had gleaned what Laurent had told Bella right before he'd tried to snack on her.

"Mate for mate," I whispered, brushing her hair back from her forehead.

"Exactly, which is why you need to rely on your family." She wagged a shiny, medicated finger at me.

When I had left months ago, of all my possessions I had only taken one that mattered. At the time, I had reasoned that it reminded me of the honor with which I had been raised. It had been burning a hole in my pocket ever since. It wasn't until I had thought that Bella had passed from this realm that I realized I had taken it as a reminder of what she meant to me. Before I could lose my resolve, I reached into my pocket and held out my late mother's ring. Belatedly, I fell to my knees.

My hand shook. "Marry me," I blurted, holding my breath as I extended my heart to Isabella Marie Swan. She smelled so good. She was so beautiful. My divine gift from heaven. Of course I should propose, right? Any reasonable vampire would. Nothing said, "I'm sorry for dumping you so unceremoniously, leaving you as vampire bait for crazy red-headed widowed-due-to-me-immortals and forced to seek the protection of malodorous disreputable shapeshifters than falling down on bended knee and offering my eternal troth. It also served as a visual reminder to Jacob the blackguard that she belonged to me since urinating on her was not physiologically possible. Or polite.

Offering her my ring? That seemed to me the height of fairness. I was, I swear, an immortal prince charming.

**Please review! Edward needs consoling. Fun with the pack coming up next!**

**References:**

For more on Greek funeral art:

http:/www (dot) ancient-greece (dot) org/art/kouros (dot) html

Touch really is shown to be beneficial to a person's health. See?

http:/www (dot) suite101 (dot) com/content/the-benefits-of-human-touch-a155979

For more on Don Quixote by Cervantes

http:/www (dot) online-literature (dot) com/cervantes/don_quixote/


	3. Chapter 3

**You'll meet this guy this chapter. Full link is on my profile:**

** http:/i953 (dot) photobucket (dot) com/albums/ae12/booksgalore_bookishqua/Gah (dot) jpg**

**Chapter Three: Meeting of the Minds**

**Thanks to LJ Summers, Fantasy Mother, and prettyflour for the beta-ing. Thanks to pomme_de_terre for the pre-reading!**

**You all impressed me so much, I'm updating again. Thanks so much!**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.**

**Other Disclaimer: This story was in the original draft of Cullenary Coupling - another snarkfest that I wrote. I edited it out because I decided to take a different look at Jacob. So there are similarities in the Edwards. But there also are differences (Closer relationship at story's beginning with his siblings and parents, owns up to killing men in rebellious years, swears more, less uptight sexually, doesn't have those nifty shaman powers, doesn't really care about the tribe's welfare). You'll start seeing them now.**

**Snarky Summary: So last chapter we got to see Edward's sensitive side. Not. Okay, fine, so he's kinda sorta starved himself for the past few months, and a couple of pints of cow blood on a plane from Italy and a few bags of deer blood provided by Alice have Edward only slightly bonkers. Bella's room is changed and Edward finds things missing that he expected should be there, and one thing there that he definitely did not think belonged. Edward is NOT amused to see a wolf-porn-tastic picture of Jacob Black on Bella's desk while he stalks, I mean guards, her while she's sleeping. So Edward had been keeping a secret from his family. Bella too. He's a virgin. Kinda. With a hot temper. And Bella is one smoking hot tempestuous singer. Just saying. As our story begins, we find our young lovers in the act of. . . ahem, negotiating. No, really. See? And so we begin.**

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><p>Bella narrowed her eyes and stared at me as if I had sprouted nine sets of demon's wings. She tugged her hand away. "Are you still out of your mind?" Her voice quavered.<p>

"No. I'm no longer starving and under the misapprehension that you had died while leaping from cliffs." Perhaps I had an edge of desperation in my voice as I held out the glittering engagement band. "It's the ring that my late mother wanted me to give my bride."

It hurt to see the way Bella's features twisted when I proposed. Teardrops fell from her chin and splattered against my wrist like molten wax. Women cried during proposals if you were doing them correctly, right? They were sentimental creatures, after all. Perhaps this wasn't going as badly as I feared.

Bella wiped at her eyes and sighed. "Edward, less than two days ago you wanted to die. Now you're making, and asking me to make, this _huge_ decision."

"That was only because I thought you were dead. Once I realized you were alive, I only wanted to live at your side. I am fine."

She kept staring at me like any second I was going to do something unpredictable. Like propose. Or come out. Not. Whatever.

Sadly, she said, "I don't believe that."

Fine. I had just pegged her number, metaphorically speaking, of course. She was playing hard to get. I deserved that. I would have to convince her with my brilliant logic that we were destined to be with one another. Vampire physiology said so.

"Aside from my mental hygiene, what other objections do you have?"

She started wringing her hands. "Everyone will think you knocked me up." Like she cared about that when she jumped me the last time? Even when I pointed out that we had no condoms to prevent turning during, ahem, relations. Bella licked my neck and breathed, "Don't care! Take me!" How could she complain about pregnancy when she knew I was sterile? And my family thought I was irrational? Thanks to _my_ superhuman control, _she_ still had a pulse. Barely.

I could not help the bittersweet smile I wore. "How I wish that were the case. I would give almost anything to see your eyes in our child's face. You know that I cannot get you pregnant." Then my family would stop teasing me about being a virgin and tease me _instead_ about my improbable venom-spawned child. My mind went blank. I needed to say something profound. So I babbled. "I would love to have children with you. We can if that is something that you are open to: adoption. As for the residents of Forks?" I waved an arm, "Let them think whatever they please. Bella, so long as our secret is preserved, we can't live our lives worried about what other mortals think of us. We will be off in college anyway." I studied her face and pressed, "Who is this really about when you say 'everyone?'"

"My mom," Bella looked flustered, "has told me all my life that if I married young it would break her heart." Why would this bother Bella? She couldn't be bothered to answer the woman's emails or phone calls from my, ahem, research into her activities. Why care what Renée would say about a marriage? Her mother danced to her own tune all the way in Florida while spending almost all of her thinking time obsessing about her new husband and his marginal baseball career.

"Bella, you are not your mother. You will not make the same mistakes that she did." She had married an idiot. I don't mean to brag. . . but I was _far_ smarter than Charles Swan. Sensitive, too. I had not met Phil Dwyer long enough to make an impression of his mental acumen, but any man who willingly bound himself to Renée automatically earned my suspicion. Charlie's thoughts had never indicated his ex-wife gave the world's best blow jobs. I could not think of any _other_ reason why a man would voluntarily spend time around someone so flighty. Coming from her mutilated gene pool, my beloved was a walking miracle.

Bella threw up her hands. "Why _now_?"

I extended the ring further. "Why not? I love you. I am committed to you. I cannot imagine life without you. I want to spend every day making you smile, bringing you joy." The ring started shaking in my hand. God, I hated talking but this flowery stuff worked in all the books I read on courtship. Women loved hearing it. Right?

"Edward Cullen." Oh Lord, now I was in for it. She avoided looking at the ring and poked at my chest with a thin finger, "I just flew across multiple time zones to keep you from offing yourself in the village square. You haven't fed in God knows how long." I opened my mouth to tell her I had recently dined in and she put her warm delicious smelling fingers on my lips. Which felt fantastic, "Do not ask me a question _that important_ until you are sure you mean it. I - " she exhaled and removed those glorious digits and wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to take advantage of you when you are in this state. I just -" _Take advantage?_ How I would _love _for her to take advantage of me. If only that were possible. Well, it _was_ possible, just not probable, given I had two brothers who hung on our every word lurking downstairs guarding us from Victoria and an incipient invasion by stench-shifting Quieleutes.

At the unwelcome noise shrilling on her right, Bella jumped when her cell phone rang and vibrated on the bedside table crashing like a bumper car against the unused cotton balls. The screen had a picture of a of a shirtless, smiling Jake on it that appeared to be professionally done, touch-ups included. He was such a poser. He even did that trick to make his biceps look bigger by crossing his arms across his chest. Bella made an exasperated noise, held up her finger at me and growled, "One second," and hissed into the phone, "I'm fine. Can't talk. Catch you later."

As Bella moved her finger towards the power button, I heard Jake saying, "What's the story with you and the bloodsucker? Is he dead yet?" Those lovely words were unheard by my beloved since she had the phone too far from her ears and came right before she hung up the phone on him with a calm, "Bye."

Emphatically, she turned her phone off and placed it back on the desk with a trembling hand.

What a moron. I was _already _dead. Walking among the ranks of the un-dead. Did he need a primer on Scary Vampires 101? I dropped my hand -the engagement ring bearing one - with a sigh.

Bella seemed mortified, and covered her sunrise pink face with pale fingers. "Gosh, Edward, I am so sorry. I thought I had turned that off. I'm sorry it rang."

She had. Turned it off, that is. I might have turned it on to program all of our _new _telephone number in it. Perhaps while I was doing that I accidentally noticed who she had called and forgot to turn it off. All her calls were to either her father or Jacob Black. More were to Jacob Black than any one else. Even better, he appeared to be calling her late at night. For thirty-five minutes at a time. Not a single time had Bella tried to call any of our old numbers, which had been erased from her phone.

"Why did you answer?" It hurt my feelings. Honestly. I was in the middle of pouring my guts out here.

Bella turned beet red and said. "Because if I didn't he would just keep calling, and after a certain point he would invite himself over. This way he's gone for the night."

Jacob Black, the bastard, had managed to interrupt and derail my marriage proposal. I was going to kill him. That was _totally_ justified. Cell phone records said so.

Bella dropped her head resting it against her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs. "My dad's going to be up soon. Go home to your parents, wherever they are."

I suppose that meant no wedding bells would be ringing soon. Stiffly, I said, "We are all back in Forks."

"For how long?" Her voice sounded flat. Bella's face took on the same frozen cast she wore the day I told her I was leaving. Perhaps this had been the worst proposal _ever_? My ego shriveled up and died on the bed between us. She evidently didn't believe me when I said I loved her. Or maybe I had given her too much of that sedative. Where was Nancy Reagan when I needed her telling me to "Just Say No" to doping up my girlfriend?

"Bella, we'll stay until you need to be changed. Then we will _all_ move together. I'm not leaving you. Ever."

Absentmindedly, she nodded. "Graduation, then."

"What? That night? I don't know that anyone would believe it if we killed you off in a drunk driving accident. You don't drink." And it would be difficult to come up with convenient-to-be-killed humans to be in the other car, aside from Mike Newton, Lauren Mallory, or the unlovely sheepheaded Jessica Stanley. Although it could be a single-car collision. Everyone knew she was clumsy. Why should driving be any different?

"No, but after. Before my birthday."

"Why are you so fixated on your birthday?"

"Gee, I don't know Edward, maybe because last year it totally _sucked_." I winced at her withering tone. She was perfectly justified in saying that. Unfortunately. Bella paused, rubbed at her eyes, and then said, "I also don't want to spend eternity looking older than you and getting called a cougar."

"Do you know how much of a bother it is walking around with this face?" I tapped my cheek. "How hard it is to pass myself off as older? I get carded all the time. You might want to think about that." That was far more tactful than asking her if she wanted to spend eternity looking like a cute scarecrow. I had tact. Some. She needed to gain weight. For her health. Why anyone would think she was feline due to her face was beyond me. Cougar? Really? Odd. Very odd.

Bella rolled away from me and curled up into a ball. "I don't care."

I heard Charlie shuffling towards the room like a cockroach that survived the nuclear blast that he was. For a fleeting glorious moment, I imagined what his reaction would be if he found me in bed with his daughter. Naked. I could undress in record time. Mentally, I chortled at the thought of innocently declaring, "What? I sleep with her every night. Oh, and we're getting married. Close the door on your way out." My fingers hovered over my shirt buttons. They voted 6-4 for me to tear them open. But being found naked with _her_ sedated to her gills? Well, that would be ungentlemanly. Caddish. Tearing her clothes off so her father could find us? Even more so. Although epically funny. Damn and blast! So I relented. For now. Having morals could be damned inconvenient at times.

"Your father is awake and on his way. This isn't over, and I love you." I kissed her forehead and trudged toward her open window.

"You are psycho, but I love you. I'll head him off in the hallway." She muttered and ruffled my hair. "You had better go before your parents freak out." She walked out of her room and shut the door behind her. When had she started worrying about whether or not my parents knew a dance - the Freak Out - by Chic? Drugs were rotting her brain. Either that, or I was having a stress-induced flashback to the music of the 70s.

The loose floorboard in her room stared up at me mournfully. Feeling like Pandora, I opened it and removed the gifts that I had stolen from Bella so childishly and left hoping she'd find. When we had been dating, she had complained about tripping over the loose floorboard once a week. Statistics suggested it would be probable that she'd find them - the gifts. Yet find them she had not. The gifts made obscene gestures in my general direction as I pulled them out of the hole in the floor. Beach Jacob, in the picture I loathed, blew raspberries at me and snuggled closer to Beach Bella grinding his pelvis against her. That dog needed to get neutered. Soon.

Grabbing a sheet of paper from her desk, I wrote, _"I hid these in the floorboard hoping you'd find them. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry. I love you, Edward." _That was better than writing, "I hid these in the floorboard hoping you'd find them. It was wrong of me. I should have put them under your pillow instead as you seem to be tripping over obvious clues these days." I wiped the dust from the pictures of the two of us and leaned them against her schoolbooks. The prints were smaller than the five by seven inch picture of Jacob. I'd have to fix that.

"Psst, Edward, the sun is coming up," Emmett called from outside.

I picked up my scourged ego, grabbed the bag of Bella's shattered life from the bottom of the closet, and scurried off into the unwelcome dawn. I blasted past both of my brothers without stopping. I didn't need to tell them why. They had heard every word. As I blitzed by, I had at least taken the time to ensure that Jasper's eyes were the proper shade of amber. I wasn't leaving him alone with Bella ever again. How does one apologize for trying to _eat _another man's mate? Emily Post would know. Miss Manners, too.

"Sorry, buddy," Emmett called after me.

Jasper pointed out the obvious. "She needs time, Edward."

Father hadn't been kidding. Baying like junkyard dogs, the pack joyously showed up to escort me home. They were the size of horses. Ugly horses with overbites that the glue factory would turn down. And each had surrounding it, his own personal mushroom cloud of odor that was so foul as to be almost indescribable. If Bella smelled this, Jacob would never get within of mile of her. I kept a pace that really made them have to work to keep up. I did not want them to know what I had in the bag. Once I reached the outskirts of our property, I stuffed Bella's trash bag in the back entrance of the garage. The wolves watched me from well back into in the woods out of the range of the Volturi that were lurking around the house acting professionally scary. Just because I could, I ran right back into the forest.

Chased by mental voices that said things like, "Damn, Sam, they fucking reek and you want us to follow _him_?" or, "Can't we nibble on his legs a little for practice? Hunh?" I chose to take the moral high ground and ignore the cretins.

I picked Jacob's dim thoughts from the peanut gallery chorus as he chortled, "Won't be hard finding their candy asses. They all but glow in the dark, they're so pale." Scratch that ignoring plan. My posterior was _not _made out of sugar and high fructose corn syrup. And I did _not_ glow in the dark. Idiot. I _sparkled _in the sunlight. And at least I didn't stink like all the world's methane had been sucked into a five foot space that followed me like the world's most revolting cologne.

How they had managed to kill Laurent was beyond me, unless he was committing suicide and impaled himself upon their teeth. Then again, he probably had sexual relations with Tanya. That would make me contemplate it. Thank the Good Lord vampires could not pass on sexually transmitted diseases to their lovers. If so, Tanya and her sisters would be in the hot zone and jumped by the equivalent of the CDC.

I decided to take the pack for an excursion in the Olympic National Forest since they had been asked by Father to make sure I went home, and I kinda sorta hadn't quite done that. Hunting would prove ideal. For intimidation purposes, of course. Where was a burly mountain lion or irritable grizzly bear when you needed them to cooperate and die spectacularly?

Despite that whole starving business, I had no appetite, due to that being-turned-down-for-marriage-on-grounds-of-insanity business my definitely disturbed and doped girlfriend had thrown at me. She, in her delicious mortal state, goes chasing across the Atlantic Ocean to the world's most dangerous den of vampires and she's calling _me_ suicidal? Really?

Regardless, I knew better than to show up to the mansion without having fed. After tackling two Roosevelt elk at the same time, I ripped out their throats out in a stupendously gory display of horrendous manners. Fine. Sue me. Maybe it was a tad on the theatrical side, but my brothers would have been proud. I made two of the wolves vomit the birds they had just eaten - feathers and all -and another spewed up what appeared to be the remains of a small animal - something furry. After I drained the elks dry, I cheerfully dismembered and disposed of the bodies to prevent that pesky problem of vampire elk, of course. And I might have aimed some of the viscera at Jacob Black's stinky paws. Without looking. Tossing it over my shoulder to land around his neck like Mardi Gras beads. Well, he'd already flashed the world. I figured he earned them. Preposterous poser.

Perhaps I said a fervent prayer or two to the Dark Lord and wiped blood on my cheeks in the shape of runes in a grossing out grudge fest. My noise startled a gopher–I think it was– to pop out of his hole and do the animal equivalent of pointing at me and shrieking. He was on the edge of the wolves's hearing ability.

I mouthed to him, "I'm totally faking this. Work with me and there's a bag of tulip bulbs in it for you." He blinked at me, grinned, and held up two claws. "Fine. Two it is." We fist bumped. Then, putting a paw to his forehead, he promptly let out a pathetic sounding wail, fake fainted and slid right back down to his underground tunnel. The pack thought I killed him with my knife-like breath of doom and flick of my fist. Aided by the snapping of a few twigs on my part. I let out a malevolent laugh right as a clap of thunder boomed. Am I awesome or what?

"Thank you, Dark Master for my new familiar!" I cried waving a bloody fist towards the sky. "Our souls are bound together for eternity! Mwa-hah-hah!" How DID the hollywood actors do that laugh and not completely crack up? I could hear the ground hog cheeping with guffaws down below and stomped on the earth just hard enough to tell him to keep it down without bringing his roof crashing on his head. He was ruining my performance. And I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing thanks to him. He chortled harder. Fortunately that sounded like animals squealing, so the wolves thought I was killing _more_ of them with my mighty feet of Doom.

Watching gobsmacked, the stench-shifters had managed to hold their tongues until that point when they began squealing like prissy little pinafore sporting girls with a spider thrown in their midst. And I would know nothing about Paul phasing into human form and saying to Sam, "Man, I think he's fucking out of his mind. I knew they were evil and all, but he worships _Satan_! Let me kill him now. Jesus would fucking approve!"

Sam phased briefly into human form and ordered, "Shut the fuck up, Paul. We're here to make sure he arrives home. We agreed. Leave Jesus out of it. I don't care if Edward worships Satan or Howdy Doody. We're not killing him."

Jacob's spiteful thoughts indicated that he wanted me to live so I could feel the pain of losing Bella to him. Like Hell. What a delusional dimwit. And he couldn't wait to tell her about my habit of worshiping Lucifer and making animal sacrifices. _Virgin_ animal sacrifices. How would I know an animal virgin? Oh, clearly, I could mind-read their sexual experience. Since he put his body between me and the rest of the pack, for keeping-me-alive-to-suffer purposes, I thought it was totally fair to hurl a few more feet of intestines at him. They adorned him like the goriest crepe paper streamers ever. Take _that_ for interrupting my marriage proposal. Jerk. And I double dawg dared him to tattle on me to Bella. I might have smirked at him a time or five. Pretentious peacock.

Jacob mentally whined, _"What the fuck is that on me? Gah! It stinks like dead deer meat! And shit! That's the second time that asshole has hit me. Now I have to shower before seeing Bella. Fucker! Just for that, I'm putting on more of that cologne she loves! And I just might kiss her!" _

Oooh that showed me. Imbecile. Bella was allergic to most perfumes. Except of course, mine. And I highly doubted that kissing business. That would require Jacob growing something like an actual pair of balls.

I might have aimed a triumphant grin or nine at his bloody pelt as I took off twinkling through the National Forest at a speed that made me blur in their eyes as they chased after me. And I might possibly have leaped over an improbably wide gorge or two, just to see if they'd follow. Which thinned out their pack when Paul tripped. Embry, too. Toying with them was going to be so much fun. Good times. I lost two more at Goblin's Gates as they landed in the Elwha River. Too bad Jacob could swim. Accidental self drownings were not against the treaty.

My phone buzzed. It was Bella. The ring became an 800 ton weight in my pocket branding my leg with the scorch of defeat. Temporary defeat, that is. I'd rally back. I had walked the earth for over a century longing to find my other half. There was no way I was going to be tricked out of it by some arrogant fifteen-year-old.

"Yes, love?"

"Where are you? What's all that racket?"

"Oh, I just came back from hunting. I passed by a few animals that objected to my presence. Nothing to worry about." Jacob picked that moment to howl.

"Are you out trying to kill the wolves?" Her voice might possibly have risen when asking that question. Why did she assume that _I_ was the bad guy here? Okay fine. She was totally right. But yeesh.

I made a point to increase my speed with the cell phone at my ear, looking casual and really making those trailing wolves have to work to keep up. "You mean the shapeshifters? They technically aren't werewolves."

"Whatever. Yes. Them. Stop quibbling and answer the question."

"That would be against the treaty, beloved. I'm merely done hunting. They kindly kept me company and are escorting me home safe and sound." I said that loud enough for them to hear. After all, the woods were filled with scary things that could hurt a vampire. Like, well, nothing. But I had to keep my father happy.

Quietly, Bella whipped out that guilt she employed with such skill and whacked me upside the skull with it. "They saved my life more than once from Victoria and Laurent." Damn. Okay, fine. I'd kill them later. _After _she agreed to marry me and we were safely mated. And after Gus the gopher and I played more jokes on them. I couldn't wait to plot more mayhem with my new sidekick.

As the sky opened up and hurled spit - I mean rain at me, I made it back to the house before Carlisle's deadline. The wolves stayed out of range of the Volturi and I continued on to face my doom - I mean have a bonding session with my loving family. At least I had the assurance that I had completely disgusted the pack with my eating habits and questionable religious practices. Thankfully, it was pouring so the bloody runes washed from my face and clothing and I didn't look like a complete savage when I showed up on my doorstep and waved farewell behind my back with a one-fingered salute to the pack. It wouldn't do to frighten my parents about my mental state. Well, any more than they already were. They might think I was nuts.

Using his putrid little mind, Jacob Black threw over his shoulder as he scurried after his alpha, _"Stench you later, blood fucker."_

I was not a blood fucker.

Yet.

Next time they escorted me, I vowed to hunt naked and roll in the blood of my kills. It would give entirely new meaning to penis envy.

From their thoughts, the Volturi that were guarding the exterior of the house were disgruntled because that smoking hot Rosalie, Esme, and Alice had taken half the soldiers hunting. The men had no desire to actually _drink _animal blood. But they were all kinds of aroused at the idea of seeing my vampire mother and sisters wrestle with animals and lap at their throats. Deviants. I gathered that they were the mental equivalent of lesbians to straight male heterosexuals. They wanted to watch them and whack off at the same time. Ew. Little did they know if that fantasy actually came true, Rosalie would have no problem helping them lose certain delicate body parts. Whack indeed.

Entering through the garage, I picked up the trash bag of Bella's decimated life and hauled it with me on my superhero boyfriend walk of shame. Father and Marcus waited for me in the study. I knocked on the lintel, cleared my throat, and all speech shriveled up and died like an idea in Jessica Stanley's brain when I saw my vampire father's stiff demeanor.

"You aren't soiling Esme's furniture with that outfit. Go change. Leave whatever you have in the corner."

So I did. I returned a minute later with wet hair, appropriate attire, and a tsunami blithely tip-toeing about in the pit of my stomach. So I had dragged my family from their comfortable life at Forks and forced them to abandon my girlfriend, AND then done a vanishing act, AND then tried to commit death by Volturi suicide. What? I was allowed to act out once in a century. Not. I was toast. I might as well bend over and kiss my posterior goodbye.

Father looked like a wealthy banker about ready to deny a beggar a loan. "Come in, Edward. Have a seat." He gestured to a chair across from his desk. Marcus sat in one by my side just far back enough that I could not see him with my peripheral vision. Awkward. So I caved to the intimidation tactic and scooted my chair back. Looking into Marcus' fathomless eyes, I could easily understand why he was considered the Volturi face of death. He scared the beJesus out of me without breaking a sweat. I needed to spend more time around him. Without having the vampire equivalent of a heart attack.

"My gift, Edward is to sense the strength of relationships." His voice was a mellifluous bass that James Earl Jones would have given his soul to own. I wasn't sure what he expected me to say to that so chose the safe option of appearing like a drooling imbecile and gawping at him.

Marcus pressed on, "I sense a weakness between you and Carlisle." Was he going to lecture Carlisle for sending the pack after me? I hoped so.

I had to help Marcus out and act innocent. "I beg your pardon?" I blinked at him. There. I hadn't been in the room for a minute and there was no end to my contrition. I had already apologized. Sincerely. Really.

"You know I have been on this earth for thousands of years, do you not?"

Okay fine. He was old. Freaking old. The oldest vampire I knew of old. "I do."

"Nothing you say could ever shock me. My men are standing out of hearing range."

I blinked at him maintaining my best poker face.

"I lived with Aro for centuries. Believe me when I say he's a curious little man."

"Okay." Well, he had a point there. Aro was a pint-sized super freak.

Father leaned on his hands that were spread wide on his desk and said, "Out with whatever you've been letting fester, Edward."

"Bella wants me to be the one to turn her. And I can't."

"Why?" Father asked. "It's not an issue of choice now, you realize."

"I know. I don't have the control. Before we left town she implied. . . that there were certain things that she wanted to experience as a human. And I can't." I was not going to say the word, "sex doggie style," out loud. Words. Whatever. They didn't need to know _all _the details.

"You're inexperienced," Marcus said that so reasonably."I understand."

"It's not that."

"You _are_ experienced?" Father raised an eyebrow.

Marcus barked. "Talk. Now." So I did.

I prattled, "My human father, before the Spanish Flu struck, had planned on taking me to his club. There was a certain establishment behind it where young men were taken to learn how to pleasure their future wives."

"Go on," Marcus urged, "get to the good part."

I explained, "I moved to Chicago for three years. I did not live off of animals. Well I did, but the two-legged variety. It was the first time I had experienced human blood. I loved the chase, the thrill of crushing the throats of criminals."

Carlisle put on his, "You can tell me anything I'm so in the zone," face. I stiffened.

Marcus said with a sentimental sigh and a misty smile, "He's right, you know, There's nothing quite like it. Hunting bad men is entertaining even for an immortal."

Father said, "So what happened, Edward? How did you end up at the club?"

"One night after hunting a group of mobsters, I remembered my father's wish. I had killed twelve men is the only excuse I have. So I went to the place and they put me in a room with a beautiful woman." And I was not aroused. I left that part out.

"What happened?"

"I snapped."

Marcus guessed, "You never had sex, did you, Edward?"

Could the un-dead perish from a lethal dose of shame? I put both hands on my face and wanted to crawl under the floor and die. For good. "No."

"Why?" Carlisle asked.

Marcus answered for me. "Because when you are young and hooked on human blood, especially that taken from live kills Carlisle, it matters more than mating. It's the most powerful urge there is. I gather you did not ordinarily dine on twelve men a night?"

I shook my head, 'no.'

Marcus continued, "Edward, you had never been alone with a human female before - since you were turned, I gather?" So I wasn't impotent around every woman but my singer? Who knew?

"Correct," I croaked.

"Can you describe what happened, son?" Father asked.

"It was awful. She asked me my name and the next thing I knew her blood dripped down my chin. Aside from that, I never touched her." I couldn't even use the excuse that good old fashioned lust had made my blood lust go amok because I had felt nothing but curiosity about the woman.

"What then?" Marcus prodded.

"As best I could, I cleaned up and escaped out the window with the poor woman's body. I couldn't take the chance that I had turned her." I never even knew her name.

Marcus stroked his chin and said, "Edward, part of being an immortal, just like any other being, means that we do things that we regret."

Like poorly planned proposals? Definitely. Failing to lose my virginity properly and killing the woman? He was preaching to the choir. "I know."

Father agreed and added, "Things that we can't take back. In that regard, we are not much different than mortals."

Bitterly, I gulped. "They have the relief of a blurred memory and limited life span."

"That is true." Carlisle asked, "Edward, is this why you never returned the interest of the Denali sisters?"

"You lived with _them_?" Marcus sounded surprised.

"You know them?" I asked.

"I personally executed their coven leader when she created an immortal child out of a royal toddler from the French court. Dreadful mess. Yes. I do. I'm afraid we haven't chatted much since then."

"Oh."

Marcus tapped his fingers against the arm rest of the chair. "Let me guess, you had the good taste not to want to sleep with _any _of them."

I nodded.

"I like you more with every passing minute, Edward. Carlisle, I see such potential in him."

I handed Father his medical kit, hoping the change the subject now that I had spilled my guts like a vampiric stool pigeon.

"Did you give Bella the injection?"

"Yes. I told her to call you. She has your new number."

He held out a swab and I opened my mouth so he could take a sample of my venom. Seeing as I did not have a heartbeat, this was the only test he could run.

Five minutes later, he stared at the results and said, "Marcus predicted this."

I had nothing useful to say so held my tongue.

Marcus explained, "Your behavior in Italy is understandable considering you truly believed your mate had died. Being malnourished only made matters worse. Edward, you will have to level with Bella. If she loves you like I think she does, she will understand. I'll leave the two of you to talk. When Bella is in better spirits, I strongly suggest showing her affection. Prudently." At first, I thought he was encouraging me to seduce my mate. Then he had to throw in the p-word. Prudent. Right. Like that had _anything_ to do with dating my singer and falling in love with her. Definitely not prudent. Marcus kindly left the house to talk with his guards.

I turned to meet Carlisle's solemn gaze. "You are to hunt every day until I tell you to stop. You _will_ be accompanied by a family member on each hunt until we are sure that you are well. You will never be alone with Bella –"

"What?" I squawked. That would make the kissing I planned on seducing her with - I mean the kissing I planned on wooing her with, for marital purposes, difficult to carry out.

He held up a palm. "I beg pardon. You will be chaperoned around Bella until I am sure that you are rational and in control of yourself. Your brothers have both agreed, as has Alice." I knew better than to expect Rosalie to offer anything but her disdain. Perhaps news of my marriage proposal had spread. Ah, yes, it had, thank you, Emmett. "Edward, you are a vital member of this family. For someone who mocks Romeo for being foolish, what you almost did." He rubbed his eyes. "Bella was _alive_ and needed us. I failed you, and I failed her as the head of this family, as a parent, and a sire. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice." Couldn't he just call me stupid _once_ and not drag the rest of the universe into it? Or make it all about him? I had needs, too.

"I understand, Carlisle. I am sorry my behavior caused you and Esme distress." The rest of the family could go hang. Okay, fine, that was harsh. I didn't particularly care about Jasper or Rosalie's alleged distress - so long as Jasper kept his emo-gift and teeth well away from my Bella. I did, however, feel bad for causing Emmett and Alice suffering. And I owed Alice a fantastic gift. Just as soon as I weaseled out of her how to get my bride to accept the ring that burned a hole in my pocket.

Father gestured to the garbage bag at my feet. "What is this?"

I handed it to him. "I'm very worried about Bella."

Rosalie and Esme came into the office . Mother shut the door behind her. She walked over and both she and father peered into the bag. Mother gasped and covered her mouth.

"That poor child. Oh, Carlisle, we need to talk to her." For the first time, Rosalie seemed to feel actual emotion. Distress over the shredding of a gift of clothing. How cruel Bella was to such fashionable rags. That were now, well, rags.

Father sighed, "Edward, what have you gathered from her father's mind?"

"It looks like she's been dealing with a severe case of depression. She was catatonic the week after we left," I gulped.

"How did that happen. You said she was fine when you left her?" Okay, fine. So I lied. Sorta. Not that I was admitting that right now.

"She was. I can only guess that she tried to follow me. She got lost in the woods. It took them hours to find her." I rubbed at my eyes. "She didn't speak for a week. Her _father_," I said that term sarcastically, "was too scared to let the doctor see her. She's also been having nightmares, horrible ones that leave her screaming."

"Did she have any last night?"

"No. I mean, Yes, a minor one, but she was drugged."

"Then we should probably continue that. I just texted her to tell her that I want to see her to give her an exam at one this afternoon. I've called in two prescriptions for her at the pharmacy."

"Did Marcus tell you about Italy?"

"He did. I'm guessing that Bella is not in good shape after what she saw."

She turned down my proposal which made her in my opinion barking-at-the-moon mad. Aside from Marcus, I was the most eligible vampire I knew of in the State of Washington. "I'm very worried about her."

Rosalie clicked her tongue at the blood-stained stereo. She lifted it gingerly and said, "From these marks it looks like she used a screwdriver to pry it from the dashboard. Bet her truck is messed up, too." I didn't answer her because frankly, I was having a hard time getting the mental equivalent of Bella going all Norman Bates on the poor stereo out of my mental Rolodex. Besides, more importantly, I still wanted Rosalie's head on a stick. "If you bring me her car, I'll fix it, Edward."

I inclined my head because I couldn't trust my voice. Rosalie clearly felt bad that I had been turned down. Would miracles never cease? I still wasn't taking back that rumor that I knew nothing about that I had started earlier. She had earned it. From spying on, I mean monitoring the accounts of a sample of Forks students; the rumor was filling up fertile minds. By now it had morphed into Rosalie had been caught by Emmett having sex with multiple people and _that_ was why the family had fled. Rosalie the nymphomaniac was responsible for breaking Bella and me apart. This was rich. Perhaps I stirred that pot a time or nine. Metaphorically speaking. Of course. For Sibling Snark purposes. I turned my phone to silent and put it away after ordering sex toys to be delivered to Rosalie at lunch tomorrow in the cafeteria. This online shopping was so much fun. Alice really was right.

We sat in silence before I finally asked, "What now?"

Father thought to me,_ "I have sent a message to the wolves that they are to stick to their land and not be seen by Marcus or his guards. They don't quite understand the concept of the Volturi, but they do understand that they are our guests and the pack is outnumbered. That is why they stayed back when they escorted you."_

Sneaky father had them escort me because he wanted them to see without being detected that we really _did_ have strange vampire guests.

Aloud, he said, "You have school tomorrow. Esme has already re-enrolled you. I am returning to the hospital in a temporary position."

"How temporary?"

"We will turn Bella after graduation."

"Bella would be fine with that plan."

"Are you going to interfere?"

"Not as long as I feel she has talked with you and mother and Marcus to understand what her decision means. I would hate for her to regret turning just to be with me. I couldn't bear it. She also needs to be healthy enough to make the transition."

"Agreed. Edward, I imagine the mate bond will work the same with Bella as it does with other vampires once she is immortal. The love she has for you right now will only increase and your bond will solidify."

Could I get away with turning my soon-to-be-fiancée tonight? Would that be too soon? Maybe then she'd listen to reason.

Well, it seemed my mission had been made clear. First, I needed to ascertain what kind of threat Jacob Black represented to my relationship with Bella. I could not fault her for turning to another while I had been gone. It was, after all, what I had encouraged. But did she have to pick him? Ye gads! What a bounder. Second, I had to convince Bella to marry me once she was assured of my true love. Both should be easy. Bella was, after all, an intelligent woman. And for right now, I was content to let her think she had the upper hand. For us. Out of love. Really. Shut up.

Alice thought to me, _"Edward, I see your future disappearing like it does when the wolves are involved. I think we have a guest on his way."_ Quietly she added, "I'm sorry I could not help you with Bella. You made that decision so suddenly." I patted her hand on my way to the front door. There really was nothing to say.

I heard the clamor of his mind outside. Oh, lovely. Jacob Black had ignored my father's good sense and had decided to prance over to our place for a friendly visit straight into a pit of vipers.

Perhaps this day was looking up, after all. I texted Carlisle to let him know that we had an unwelcome guest on the way.

"Edward," Carlisle called out to me, "I need you to pick up those prescriptions from the pharmacy for Bella." He thought to me, _"Please convey to Jacob that if he breaks the treaty by crossing onto our land again without our consent, I will retaliate as I see fit."_

"Yes, sir." Hiding my theft behind a shrub, I purloined two bags of tulips that Esme had bought intending to plant in the fall and stuffed them into my jacket pockets. As I passed Gus the gopher's lair, I tore a small hole in the side of each bag and tossed them down his tunnel. I heard grateful munching from within and went about my merry way to greet Bella's alleged best friend. It would be rude to keep him waiting. So I totally slowed down to a leisurely stroll.

This did not go over well with Jacob. _"Aw, man, he's keeping me from Bella. Asshole."_

If he thought I was going to let him anywhere near Bella when she was drugged and delusional - she had turned down my _proposal,_ after all - he was out of his tiny little mind. I texted my brothers to ensure that Bella receive no guests while doped.

Because I'm nice like that, I took care to make sure that I met Jacob in the woods far outside of the Volturi's range. Even the squirrels in the area have the good sense to scatter when he came near. I saw one particularly agile Douglas squirrel leap acrobatically through the trees to get downwind of Jacob. Smart rodent.

Speaking of rodents, Jacob the fool stopped as I approached. I positively couldn't wait to sink my teeth into - I mean talk - to this noisome nuisance. And wow, even better, he had just as low thoughts of me. This seemed like a conversation made in supernatural heaven. I increased my speed. The sooner I finished dealing with this jackdaw, the sooner I could return to my love. When it came to torturing - I mean _conversing_ - with Jacob "Pepe Le Spew" Black, it wasn't breaking the treaty if you never got caught.

**Please review! It inspires more snark. And amuses me so.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Losing My Head Over You**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.**

**Snarky Summary: Edward proposes. Bella answers. Edward is all kinds of offended that people keep questioning his mental health. I mean, sure he tried to off himself. But pffft, that was over twenty-four hours ago, and was just an immortal aberration. He's fine. Really. *blinks* Carlisle is so irritated at Edward he sicks the dogs on him to make sure he comes back home for a lecture with his parents on the proper way to have a conniption fit. Our boy thunder decides to convince the wolves he worships Satan. And has a familiar. Really. *blinks* Edward confesses to Marcus and Carlisle the real reason he is a virgin. As our story begins, Jacob Black, that dog, has had the balls to show up unannounced on Cullen land, wanting to have a chat with Edward. Our boy blunder is more than happy to entertain the notion of taking a walk with Jacob that the pup will never forget. And so we begin.**

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><p>The signature stench of Jacob Black only intensified the closer I came to his smirking mug. At times like this, I thanked God that I did not have to breathe. Except for faking-out-humans purposes. And since no nosy passersby skulked in the nearby sword ferns or hung from Sitka Spruce trees, I refrained from sucking in the fetid air around me.<p>

"I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up some things for Bella. If you want to talk with me, I suppose you'll have to come along."

"Running or driving?" Jacob asked suspiciously. Did he think I was going to let him _befoul_ my pristine leather upholstery? I think not. And despite the rather vivid images - entertaining ones might I add - that percolated in that pathetic brain of his, I would _never_ dream of running over him with my car. I _liked_ my car. His stench could be bad for Bella's delicate lungs. Hell no, he was not setting one furry foot in my automobile. I'd have to burn the thing to cleanse it.

I curled my lip and perchance looked at him as if he were missing a few marbles. "We are running. I could use the fresh air. My coven leader has instructed me to tell you that the next time you cross onto our land without our permission, he will retaliate as he sees fit." Jacob said nothing to that little nugget. I could hear the weasel hoping that he didn't get caught by Sam.

We took off through the forest. I slowed down to make sure he could keep up with me although I kept a healthy distance between us. Given our enhanced senses, I fortunately did not have to be near him to speak. And thanks to Bella's loose lips - she had told him about all of our gifts - Jacob also knew he could just think whatever he wanted to me and I'd hear it. Okay, fine. I _had _told her that she'd never see me again. But really? Ratting me and my entire family out to our supernatural enemy? She clearly lost her mind when I left town.

Upon reflection, it was hard to tell which aspect of Jacob Black I detested the most. Those straight, pearly, teeth that looked like they belonged on a sparkling billboard hawking substandard toothpaste. The fake tan he spent hours maintaining at the Tan-Your-Hide salon. The thin, rubbery lips that he hoped to plant on my beloved that he constantly applied moisturizer to. His putrid personality. The lack of a working IQ. His notorious habit for prancing around half-clothed, showing off his shaved chest and problem with gynecomastia. Poor, stupid boy. He honestly believed he had a chance with my Bella. Preposterous poser. He looked like an escapee from a Chippendales show. Any second now, I expected to see a mob of track suit clad female senior citizens holding dollar bills aloft come chasing after him.

And then there were his hygiene issues. Jacob Black stank. Sewers could only _dream_ of smelling this vile. Even by normal shapeshifter Quileute werewolf standards, the boy positively reeked. He could have been classified as the tribe's own weapon of mass destruction. It required tremendous discipline to hold my gorge when he sauntered within whiffing distance. Given our enhanced sense of smell, I had no idea how Carlisle had survived in England in the 1600s without someone trying to burn him at the stake..

And don't get me started on the lurid cognitions that bounced around his pathetic excuse for a brain. He fantasized about my beloved constantly. He was obsessed with her derriere, and day-dreamed about groping her while she begged him to paw her harder. This could not be borne. Even the tribe was becoming disturbed because whenever he phased, they got to share them. Jacob Black was the gift that kept on giving - and traumatizing.

From Jacob's memory, Embry - after one particular fantasy that I am too well mannered to share - said, "Dude, I know Bella's hot and all, but she prefers to suck on a dead man in her spare time. Give it a rest."

Bella did not "suck" on me. Yet. Not that it was any of their business. Cretins.

The wolves, ah the things I had learned about them while dumpster diving through Jacob's brain. While we were gone, Sam had taken a shine to his fiancée's luminous cousin, Emily. When she had the good sense to tell him, "Gross! Sam, no! I'm not attracted to you, and I don't want to break my cousin's heart," he mauled the poor girl.

Sam talked to the elders who told him some story about a process called "imprinting" that sounded to me like supernatural mate-bond envy. They couldn't even get the _story_ straight giving three different accounts of what was behind the phenomenon. And it appeared to work one way. I think Gloria Steinem would consider the men who claimed that they had imprinted on unsuspecting females to be oppressive. And I found it positively disturbing that one of the tribe, Quil, had taken to hanging around, calf-eyed, a two-year old child named Claire. In normal societies, they locked men up for assault and perversion towards children for that. Here? The Quileutes wrapped it up in some spiritual mumbo-jumbo and claimed it had historic precedent. What donkey dust. They clearly had issues.

What made it even more disturbing is that Jacob Black seemed to be under the misapprehension that he could use this ruse on Bella and that a) she would be foolish enough to actually fall for it, and b) I would regretfully let her go. I think not. Jerk. I was not born yesterday. Although looking at Charlie, I realized that time spent wandering the earth did not necessarily equate with common sense.

I was dragged kicking and screaming from my mental rant by the grating voice of Jacob.

"I want to know your intentions towards Bella. As her best friend, it's my duty to look out for her welfare." Bastard.

I stopped in place and leaned against the broad trunk of a Douglas fir. "No, that job belongs to me. I am her mate, Jacob."

"You hurt her." He sounded so self-righteous when saying the absolute truth. He sent me images of her standing off by herself, holding herself like she was cold, wearing a haunted face. It took considerable acting to pretend to be unaffected. Way to go showing me images that just prove leaving was a mistake. Moron.

"That is between Bella and me. We love each other, and you will not interfere. She is part of this family."

Jacob sneered, "Hey sucker, was she part of this _family_ when that asshole Laurent attacked her?" He sent images to me that made me wince. But hey, even Laurent had acknowledged that Bella was my mate. So there.

"You have our thanks for assisting her. We will take over now."

We were near the pharmacy. I took off running again. When we reached the bustling metropolis that Forks was not, we both walked out of the forest onto an empty parking lot. No humans were near enough to hear.

"She was on her way to find some stupid meadow and nearly got killed doing it. I have no idea why that was so important for her to risk her life like that." Jacob shook his head and actually was genuinely disturbed. "Is Bella sick again?"

He had images in his mind of the night they found Bella lost in the woods. It took all I had in me to keep a composed demeanor. She was curled up in a quaking ball when Sam found her. And she refused to speak. Then I saw even more mental pictures of Bella as she physically deteriorated, losing weight, screaming while she slept, vomiting on the beach out of fear of Victoria. From more than Jacob's mind. This whole pack mind business fascinated me. I'd vomit later about the images of her.

I gritted, "Privacy laws forbid me from telling you."

"Like you should know? C'mon give me a break." Jacob thought, _"Like you and your family are so law abiding. Right. Since when do you give a damn about people's privacy? You listen to their thoughts all day long."_

"I went to medical school, Jacob. And I am her mate. It is my business as her next of kin."

"_Not if I have anything to say about it." _Jacob grumbled. _"Oh, wow, forgot you could totally hear that. And what kind of medical school would let you in?"_

Aloud, the blowhard said, "Consider yourself warned, sucker, you're not going to get a second chance to break her heart." He pointed a finger at me, "I've got my eyes on you." I managed to keep a straight face. But only just. I wish I had thought to buy a pengatgram to dangle around my neck, now that I worshiped the Dark Lord. Jacob kept having flashes of that ceremony, and examined my fingers to see if I had blood on my nails. Idiot.

At vampire pitch, I said, "Wow, seeing as you still seem to be in supernatural puberty, I'm impressed your voice didn't crack while uttering that bold declaration. You'll do nothing to break the treaty. Bella, as Carlisle stated to your elders last night in his email to them, is claimed as our family. And I went to Harvard Medical School as well as Cornell."

"Why? Did you flunk out of Harvard?"

"No, Jacob, I went so that Carlisle could stay current on medical knowledge. So my stints in medical school were forty years apart."

Jacob took the hint and kept his voice to a frequency that only immortals could hear. "I'll kill you before I let you lay a hand on her." He actually seemed serious. My word. Promise?

I canted my head and asked, "How many vampires have you sent to their eternal reward, Jacob?"

"Uh, one."

"Oh, pardon me, I should have said, 'helped to kill' seeing as you didn't dispatch Laurent on your own."

He scoffed. "It's not like it was hard."

"Laurent was a young vampire. I am not."

"So the fuck what?"

"The older we are, the harder it is to kill us, you imbecile. We choose to follow an animal diet Jacob. Not all of the family members have always done that. Jasper, for example."

"His face is seriously messed up. What is that crap all over it?"

"Those are venom scars from battle. The fact that he still stands there in one piece with that many scars should give you an idea of how many immortals he's killed."

"So are you threatening me with your little brother? That's rich, even from you."

"Since he's over fifty years _older_ than me, that should scare you. But no, I am not threatening you with Jasper. I'm telling you that if you irritate me, I'll deal with you in such a matter than they'll never find your body. I have years'of experience killing without leaving a mark on me." Mind you, it was killing _humans_, not immortals, but he didn't need to know that.

He gulped and blustered, "I'm taller and heavier than you - I'd crush you in wolf form."

I laughed, "You forget, pup, that in our kind of mortal combat, size only slows you down. He who is the fastest and most agile, lives to see another day. You might want to pull that twig out of your hair."

"What twig?"

"The one I put in so fast you never saw my hand move."

Jacob patted his head and found the stick. His hand shook as I wagged a finger at him. "Bella is fragile right now. Respect that and respect her. If you really are her friend, she needs support right now, not pressure."

His cell phone rang. He pulled it out of a neck pouch, cleared his throat, and said in what he hoped sounded like a deep voice, "Well hello there, Miss thing." I saw a picture of Bella on his phone. Miss thing? He just called my beloved a _thing_. Why didn't she hang up on him?

"How are you?" I heard Bella ask.

"Enjoying a walk in the woods. Want to join me?"

"No. I didn't sleep well. Dad is insisting that I stay home. I have to go see Dr. Cullen in a little while."

"What for?" Jacob asked in a sharp voice.

"Just to make sure I'm okay. Don't freak."

"You're my best friend. Of course I'd freak if I thought you were sick." Right. Please tell me she didn't buy that oozed line.

"Edward's back."

"Yeah, did you tell him to take his bony ass and take a hike?"

"No. I'm not going to argue about Edward with you. I love him." Score! I wanted to stick my tongue out at the rake. Although it would be immature.

"He broke your heart." Jacob could not understand why pointing that out didn't make Bella dump me on the spot. Women were known for holding a grudge forever. His dad said so. Bella was so naive.

"It was mine to give, Jacob. That's the risk you take when you care about someone." My Bella was one smart woman.

"I'd never do that to you. You deserve so much better. I don't want you around him." My fingers itched to steal his phone as the twerp smirked at me.

"Good thing you aren't my father and don't get to decide who I spend time with. I'm already getting vibes that Edward is going to freak out about me spending time with you. Dad's calling. I gotta go." She ended the call. Well, at least she was rational enough to perceive that I was most definitely going to object to her spending any time around this carpetbagger.

"May the best man," Jacob drew that last word out, "win." I didn't bother to dignify that with a reply. What an odious oddball.

I left him in the rain as I walked through an empty parking lot and took the three blocks to the pharmacy. I had better things to do. And if I was around him one second longer, I was going to lose those two elks I'd recently consumed. God almighty, I had no idea how Bella could stand to be in the same zip code as that jabbering jackdaw.

Ten minutes later, prescriptions in hand, I knocked on Bella's front door. A harassed appearing Charlie opened it and barked, "Your dad already called. How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, sir. It's all paid for."

"Fine. Thank you. I see that she gets this. Get off my porch. Go home." He slammed the door. By reading his mind, and his elevated blood pressure, he planned on having a conversation with his daughter about her recent cliff diving episode he had only just learned about over the phone. Jacob Black had been a busy little bee.

Emmett and Jasper hailed me from the woods.

"How did things go with Carlisle?"

I shrugged. "About what you expected."

We stopped talking as Charlie said to Bella, "I just got a phone call telling me that you jumped off the side of a cliff. Care to tell me what that's about?"

"Who told you?" She blurted angrily.

"That doesn't matter. I have eyes all over this town, Bells. Please tell me you weren't thinking of jumping over that Muppet-faced asshole Cullen."

"He's not Muppet-faced." So that meant I was an asshole. Lovely.

"The guys were doing it and I wanted to join. It wasn't a big deal. I'm eighteen, dad. If I want to jump off a cliff for fun, I can. But out of respect for you, I'll drop that hobby."

Oh my smart little conversationalist. She made it seem like it was a huge concession.

"You're grounded."

"Fine."

"You're going tol take this medication. No arguing."

"What is it?"

"Beats me. Dr. Cullen prescribed it for you. Edward just delivered it. Carlisle says it's to help you sleep better at night, and I'm taking you to see him today."

"Yeah."

"We need to get some meat on those bones. I'm in the mood for Italian. What say we go to the Lodge and get some spaghetti? That's always been one of your favorites."

That jerk made my beloved vomit. She lost her breakfast on the stairs.

"C'mon," Emmett said.

"What?"

"I'm going to handle this." Fine with me.

Emmett knocked delicately on the door, careful not to break it in half. Exasperated, Charlie opened it to see all three of us standing there. "What can I do for you gentlemen?" I could see Bella fleeing up the stairs and hear the slamming of the bathroom door.

"Hi, Chief Swan. We need the keys to Bella's car." Emmett said as if that were nothing.

"What for?" Charlie snapped.

"You know Rosalie and I do the maintenance on all our family's cars right?"

"Your Dad mentioned that to me."

"Well, Bella said her brakes have been making funny noises." That was enough to send Charlie's blood pressure soaring once more. He reached over and grabbed the keys and said. "Here, repair whatever needs fixing and let me know how much I owe you."

I heard more retching coming from upstairs and squeezed through the door.

Charlie looked at me like I was insane. He had a gun in the house. And could use it. Not that it would kill me. But still. Maybe getting shot would tickle, though.

"Son, what the heck are you doing?"

I said. "Cleaning up the mess I made so you can take care of Bella."

I went to the kitchen, filled a bucket with water and disinfectant, grabbed paper towels and a trash bag, and started scrubbing the stairs. Charlie was towards the top of the staircase leaning against a wall, waiting for his daughter to stop retching.

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, "Kid, you don't have to do that."

"But I want to, Chief Swan. Please go check on Bella. You know how upset she gets when she vomits." Jasper and Emmett drove away in Bella's car.

I spent a good fifteen minutes making sure the steps were immaculate, clean, and dry. Charlie took the bucket from me and said, "She's asleep. Thank you, Edward."

So I pretended to leave and minutes later after Chief Swan left to fetch their dinner settled in beside my dear little sick one and handed her a soft drink.

"What happened?" I asked as she stirred and blinked up at me.

Bella shuddered. "I'm never eating Italian again." She took a sip from the can, grimaced, and put it down.

"Did you take your medication?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

"Both."

"Bella, one of them should only be taken at night."

"I just want to sleep Edward without the nightmares. I'm so tired. I'm hoping I can keep the pills down."

"Okay, sweetheart. I'll stay here. Close your eyes." Humming, I soon felt her fall asleep in my arms.

I reached out with my mind to see if I could find the wolf link. And my, it was like walking into the bank and having the tellers absentmindedly hand me money.

Sam was bellowing at Jacob, "What the fuck did you think you were doing going near the Cullens! We were told to stay away! I just got an irate email from Carlisle. They have powerful and strange vampires visiting. Lots of them. You idiot! We can't afford to provoke them right now! The ones visiting have red eyes."

He smacked Jacob, sending him tumbling. "You broke an agreement, and they just might decide you violated the treaty by crossing onto their land without permission."

For a Lothario who mauled women, Sam seemed to have a shred of common sense. Not much. But still.

Jacob waved a hand in the air and whined. "Jeez, Sam. Calm down! They never saw me. I called out to Edward and he came and met me. No biggie." When God had made Jacob Black he had bestowed brains upon him with the generosity of Ebenezer Scrooge.

Jacob's causal attitude made Sam grit his teeth with fingers twitching. I thought he was going to phase. Jacob stepped back a healthy distance. Drat.

"You will not go near that house without my say so ever again." He used his alpha voice.

"I said what I had to say to Edward. He won't get in the way of me and Bella." And Bella thought _I_ was insane?

Sam threw up his arms, "What has gotten into you? She's been pretty clear all along that she sees you as a friend, Jacob. Jesus, she had enough on her mind right now with that red-headed leech trying to kill her."

"She loves me. She just doesn't know it yet. I gotta get her away from that bloodsucker Edward. He can't have her."

Someone had stalking issues. We'll have to see about solving them for him. Soon. I needed to go see if Bella would mind if I metaphorically urinated on her to mark my territory. I could be refined. Sometimes. And she was asleep, after all. What she didn't know couldn't hurt me. I was going to get Jacob Black out of her life. For Good. Not that way. Even better, I was going to let him do all the work.

Plotting pack domination, I smiled as I pulled Bella into my arms and let sleep carry her away. For the first time, I was counting the days until she'd never sleep again. I dove for the closet when Charlie returned and came into her room to check on her. He had a brown wrapped package in his hand that he placed on her desk before ruffling her hair and nearly waking her on his way out of the room. Idiot.

I walked over to the desk. The box was addressed to Bella. It had a postmark from Seattle. The box smelled disgusting. I took it down and showed it to my brothers in the woods.

"What do you have there?"

"Chief Swan just brought it into Bella's room."

"That stinks," Emmett crinkled his nose.

Jasper sniffed and said, "I'll open it." At his thoughts, I was so revolted that I had no objections whatsoever. Apparently this was an odor that my brother with a checkered past knew well.

He pulled back the wrapping to find the top of the box was stuffed with daisies and red poppies. That couldn't account for the stink, though. Jasper scraped the blossoms aside to reveal the head of Renée Dwyer, looking awfully confused seeing as it had been severed from her body. Either that, or she had become really short really fast. Perhaps that was an inconvenient time to note her resemblance to Bella around the eyes. I gulped. And I didn't mean to be rude, but that smell. Jacob still reeked worse. But still.

A bloodstained scrap of paper fluttered to the ground. Emmett picked it up and read, "Don't lose your head. I'll be coming to see you soon. Hugs and kisses, Victoria." Emmett turned the card to show me, "She even added in kisses and hugs." His finger pointed to several obnoxiously drawn Xs and Os. Magnificent.

I tsked shaking my head and said to Jasper, "Victoria has got to be the stupidest vampire ever."

"Why would you say that?"

"She just did me and Bella a favor. Her mother is a complete dingbat. And Bella thinking that James had kidnapped Renée was the entire reason Bella got hurt in the first place. That'll never happen again. I wonder if I can persuade Victoria to take out Charlie?"

"Dude, that's fucking cold." Emmett said. What? Bella barely spoke to her mother from what I could tell. Regardless, this would upset her. So I texted Marcus to see if he would mind me coming by. For consultation and agenda of doom purposes.

"True," I sighed, "and probably would not work."

"Why?"

"Bella is already going to be mourning the death of one parent. We shouldn't add another to the list. She should not be excessively stressed right now." I mourned that this would hurt her. My poor mate.

Emmett said, "We have to do something with that box." He saw the frown on my face. "You don't want to give it to the authorities anonymously?"

"That would cause too many questions." Jasper sighed. "Renée is clearly dead. I'm sure more of her will turn up for the authorities to identify. We can't be connected to it."

I couldn't have Bella thinking that I had killed her dingbat of a mother because her mother might have objected to our engagement. That would be inconvenient in my marital campaign. I had priorities. Sometimes. Like winning her hand. And ridding her of Jacob Black. And preserving her emotional health.

So I did the most vicious thing I could think of seeing as Victoria had taken the gloves off. "I say we give it to Marcus and let him decide. Victoria has now broken Volturi law." My brothers blinked at me in confusion, "She killed the mother of a member of our coven. A high profile death like this will not go without scrutiny. The not being noticed part of the law she clearly broke by mailing this to the home of a law enforcement official and claiming responsibility. 'Cause this will definitely raise eyebrows." Sorry Renée. No pun intended.

Jasper smiled, pure malevolence radiating from him. "That's a stretch. But nice. You're going to have to confess about the wolves."

"Why would I want to do that? Father might kill me." I wasn't stupid. Most of the time. When not bursting into impromptu marriage proposals with my deluded and drugged bride. Soon to be bride. Beg pardon.

Jasper did everything but twirl his non-existent waxed moustache, "Because it saves Father the ordeal of having to confess it, and with Jacob being such an ass today, I would not be surprised if the Volturi caught scent of them and wondered what the hell that odor was." Good points.

Emmett whistled, "Remind me not to piss you off, Buddy. You go, we'll stay here and make sure Victoria doesn't show up."

Tucking the package underneath my arm, I sprinted for home at top speed and tried to get the refrain of a folk song by The Kingston Trio - _With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm_ - out of my head. I needed to concentrate on what mattered. It wouldn't do for the wolves to find me with this box. That would be all kinds of awkward. Tripping was out the question, too. Not that Renée would mind, or care. But it was the thought that mattered.

I arrived at the mansion and found Marcus in the living room. His nose wrinkled and he said, "Edward, have you picked up any unusual hobbies I need to know about lately? Like taxidermy." Well, now that he mentioned it. . .

I placed the box on the coffee table as Father came walking into the room. Marcus peered into it like he saw severed heads on a daily basis. "Who might this be?"

"It was Bella's late mother."

"Who is taking credit for the kill?" I handed him the card Victoria had signed by name.

"A nomad named Victoria."

Father shook his head and said, "That poor child. Bella does not need this right now." Hearing him say that made the severity of the problem hit home. My poor half-orphaned, couldn't she be a full-orphaned-soon mate. She was going to require even more sedation. This would put a crimp in my plans to woo her. And I hated to see her cry. Maybe I should just bite her tonight. The quicker she became a vampire the quicker she would shed those pesky human memories. Then she wouldn't grieve. That seemed humane.

"I like Bella. This Victoria needs to die." Marcus sounded irritated. I couldn't agree more. Marcus was the coolest house guest ever.

He snapped his fingers summoning more of his guards and said, "Tell me everything you know. I feel the need to make an example out of this Victoria."

Brilliant minds think alike.

So I did.

After I recounted how we met the impish woman, Father threw a copy of today's Seattle newspaper at Marcus. "Newspaper accounts from the Seattle area indicate that fourteen people have vanished in the past two months."

"Fourteen?" Marcus raised his eyebrows. "Is that all? She is running around with fourteen drooling newborns? She's stupider than I thought. I'm almost offended." Me, too. Marcus. Me, too.

My cell phone rang. It was a phone number that I did not recognize. I was tempted to ignore it. Marcus said, "Oh answer it. Live a little."

"Hello, Edward." I knew that saccharine voice.

"Victoria." Marcus pressed the speaker button on my phone and nodded for me to continue. Father wanted to know how the heck she had managed to obtain our brand new phone numbers.

"Did you like my gift?" She tittered. Victoria made what initially sounded like a joyful laugh take on a bitter aftertaste.

"Actually, yes."

Her laugh died mid-chortle, "What?"

"With enemies like you? Who needs friends? You saved me from a huge pain in the neck. Pardon the pun."

"What are you talking about? I just killed your mate's mother."

"Did you bother to speak with Renée Dwyer prior to sending her on to the Great Beyond?"

That seemed to fluster Victoria, "Well, not really."

"What precisely does that mean? Either you conversed with her or you did not. It's a simple question."

"Well," Victoria huffed, "she just screamed the usual, 'Oh, God, help me!' and "No! Please I'm begging you!' and 'Why me?' Boring, really."

"The woman was entirely too perceptive. I was worried I was going to have to turn her or kill her. And turning her would have made eternity a nightmare. So from the bottom of my heart, you have my thanks." Father gave that move a thumbs up.

"It was supposed to _upset_ you."

"You think the loss of human life after all this time bothers me?"

"Well, if not you, then your mate."

"She planned on saying goodbye to her family when we turn her. Did you not have a mother-in-law?"

"Not for long."

"What does that mean?"

"James and I were turned at the same time. We became mates. Then he decided to take me home to meet his mother. She tasted delicious."

Ew. Only Marcus failed to show a reaction.

"Now, now." Victoria chided, "Don't judge. We _were_ newborns."

"You are right. You have my sincere apologies." What? My mothers raised me right.

Victoria continued her gush-fest of days gone bye. "James was such a gentleman. He gave me the first taste. Of his own mother." Victoria sounded positively venom-eyed. Nothing says, "I love you," like a vampire valentine of offering your mate you own mortal mother's blood. Every last drop of it.

Her voice became tart, "I am somewhat aggrieved at you for taking my mate."

"First, I didn't take him. _He_ is the one who got the notion to chase after mine and leave you. Clearly the man had lost his mind. Second, I didn't kill him. My siblings did." What? That was totally true. I was too busy freaking out about the scent of Bella's blood.

"Why would you say he's crazy, because you're coven is so fearsome?"

I needed to keep her talking. Demetri was using his laptop trying to isolate her location. I had no idea the Volturi cheated like that.

"Heavens, no," Although that was a legitimate point. We were awesome. And awesomely connected, might I add, "Because James chose to leave you behind. I would never do that to my mate."

"Liar."

"What?" I sounded the picture of innocence.

"You _already_ left your mate."

"Well, _that_ didn't count."

"Did so!"

"Did not!" I felt all of seven years old.

"Why not?" Victoria challenged.

"Because I did not realize that she _was_ my mate. She's mortal." I said that like it should be painfully obvious.

"How can you _not _know? It's like this blast from the sky slams into you." Victoria harrumphed. "Some mate you are." Well, that was fair. Perhaps. But I could be taught. Sometimes.

"Call me foolish. I will not contest. I have no idea. She is my singer, you know."

"I have no idea why you don't just drink her already," Victoria grumbled. "That would save me some effort and leave you eternally tormented too. Can I talk you into it?" Her voice became warm and charming.

"Believe me, I've often wondered the same thing. And no. In a committed relationship. No drinking the mate dry, I'm afraid."

Marcus said, "This is Marcus of the Volturi."

"Right. And I'm the Virgin Mary. That guy never speaks."

"He does when it matters. You have been accused of raising a newborn army by Edward here." I had? Victoria seemed to figure out that Marcus meant business.

"He has no proof of that."

"Actually, given that fourteen mortals have vanished within a short period of time in the same geographic location that you are, that tells me two things. First, you are foolish, and second, lazy. At least make a better attempt to hide your plan." Marcus clicked his tongue.

"They killed my _mate_. I have every right to retaliate. I demand satisfaction."

"Excellent, we are agreed."

"On what?" Victoria stammered.

"Bring your newborns to the clearing three miles East of the Cullen mansion. I will decide on your complaint. Come tomorrow at midnight. This is your only chance at mercy. Goodbye." He hung up the phone at her. Marcus was awesome!

"What are you going to do?"

"What else can I do? he answered with a cheeky grin. I'm going to hold a formal trial on whether or not she has a legitimate complaint. I am known for giving justice, you know. And she has requested that virtue be awarded to her."

Tomorrow could not come soon enough. Father left for his appointment with Bella and her dim-witted parent.

Marcus said, "Oh Edward, tell me about this treaty that you have with the Quileute tribe." So I did.

"Excellent. That should suit our needs."

"What?"

Marcus directed, "Take this box and leave it on their land. Don't get caught. Take Demetri with you." Yes, sir.

"Um, why do you want me to do this?"

"Because we don't want to be the messenger of news like this. It makes women upset. And they have long memories. Especially when angry." Good point. I grabbed the box and went running towards the stench-shifters land. Demetri trailed after me. I left him eating my dust, but heck he was a tracker. He'd catch up.

I stopped by Gus' hole.

"You in for another joke on the wolves?" He nodded. "Got any friends that might want to join in?"

"Beg pardon. Not that I am not grateful to you. But what did the wolves _do _to you all?" Gus pointed to the stinking pile of vomit that one of the wolves had upchucked a few hours back. The one of a small animal of some sort. He pointed at it like I should immediately know who that was.

"I gather that is what is left of your friend?" Gus did indeed. He whistled. Three more heads popped out of the grown. The tribe was never going to know what hit them. Being evil and allegedly worshiping Satan was so much fun.

I needed to revise my agenda. No one threatened my dear little delusional one. Victoria had caused her more than a few moments of terror, and that meant she needed to _die_. Now. I was more than happy to assist in this campaign. While I was ridding the world of that harpy's existence, I was going to have to do something about Jacob Black. It was, after all, the moral thing to do seeing as I would be Bella's lawful husband. Soon. Maybe tonight.

**R'uh Roh Who's in more trouble? Victoria or Jake?**

**Please review. It makes me misty-eyed, and inspires snark.**

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><p><strong>References:<strong>

**For more on gynecomastia which is a medical condition: ****http:/www (dot) mayoclinic (dot) com/health/gynecomastia/DS00850**

**For more on The Kingston Trio – this song is hilarious:**

http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=6JKNl8gmESs


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Sacred Soil**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.**

**Your reviews for the last chapter blew me away. Thanks so much for sending the snark back! You guys rock! *wipes away venom tear* Picture of Douglas is posted on my profile.**

**Snarky Summary: So last chapter we had some good times, eh? Jacob paid an unwelcome visit to the Cullen land to see if Edward could come out and play. Edward decided to placate the loser so he could deliver a threat – I mean message – from Carlisle while playing mind games with Jacob. Edward can't decide what he hates most about Jacob Black – his orangey spray tan, pearly white teeth, man-boobs that are bigger than Bella's (not that he'll admit that to her. He has tact. Sometimes), or his massive ego. Oh, and he stinks. Lots. Edward finds that he can access the pack mind, without them knowing, much to his delight. Oh the secrets he learns from them. He gets to see up close and in person all sorts of fascinating things like what *really* happened when Sam took a shine to Emily. Jacob tries to tell Edward that he's a jerk. Edward being the jerk in this case. Edward tells Jacob to respect his woman. Go Edward! That'll show the dog. Bella calls and Edward gets to "hear" them interacting over the phone *gags*. Edward and Jacob trade phone numbers and email addys to express their mutual admiration. Not. Edward plays the friendly neighborhood drug dealer, taking Bella her medication that Carlisle has kindly prescribed her without benefit of a medical examination. But still. Professional much? Chief Swan delivers a package to Bella's room – one that Edward swipes and takes to his brothers. For package identification purposes. Apparently, Renee kinda sorta lost her head. Who knew?**

**Edward and Victoria trade barbs. Edward is impressed at Victoria's P to the 4th power. Piss poor prior planning. So impressed that he goes and tattles, I mean consults, with Marcus. Marcus is not having any of this threatening Bella business. He orders Edward to shed the package on Quileute land, and Victoria to take her newborn army and come to Forks the next night. Edward stops by Gus' hidey-hole in order to fetch some minions. Things that you need to know from previous chapters that makes this one make sense are as follows. Edward decides to teach Rosalie a lesson about messing with his private life. So he orders up a special package to be delivered to his sister at school the next day. He also starts rumors online about Rosalie's extracurricular activities with a teacher, Mike Newton, and Lauren Mallory. Rosalie doesn't know it yet, but she is toast. Ah, sibling rivalry. Good times. Bella turned down Edward's marriage proposal arguing that he was in no state to propose marriage to her – seeing as he tried to off himself, supernaturally speaking, just one day ago. Edward is not giving up. And so we begin.**

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><p>Marcus had ordered me to take this package to the Quileute lands – this now annoying brown paper-wrapped box that inconveniently held a bucketful of daisies and poppies – accompanied by Renée Dwyer's small head. After securing it with string, I stuffed the albatross; I mean package, into a backpack. Shrugging into the straps, I put it on and climbed to the top of the nearest tall tree. It would not do to be caught with my future mother-in-law's head in a backpack. That would be all kinds of awkward to explain. "I didn't kill her, but I know which sparkly vampire did!" would go over so well.<p>

Gus chirped in confusion. Demtri performed a highly unvampiric double-take when he found me speaking with the audience of two gophers, one Douglas squirrel, and two raccoons. What? Don't judge. It wasn't desperate if you planned it in the first place.

"Erm, are you hungry?" Demetri had the manners to look confused for asking.

"Not really."

"Are you going to _eat _them?" He gestured at the animals around me.

Perhaps I stared down my nose at the thin man like he was stupid. Sue me. "No. Gus and Douglas and I are going to handle this."

"Where are they? I don't sense anyone around."

"Right in front of you. Fellows, this is Demetri. Demetri, meet Gus," I pointed to the gopher, "Douglas," the squirrel, "Frick," I pointed to the larger raccoon, "And Frack," went to the smaller raccoon. I could not figure what had a vampire as polished and urbane as Demetri looking like he'd just been pole-axed. Not that doing so was even possible. But you get the idea.

"You talk to animals?" He tilted his head to one side and studied the motley group that blinked back at him. At lightning speed, Demetri texted Marcus, "Edward just introduced me to _animals_."

"Yes, it's one of my gifts," I lied through my teeth. "They are going to help us carry out Marcus' orders." Well, that part, at least, was true. They were most definitely going to help seeing as they carried a grudge against the wolves - they just didn't know it yet.

Marcus answered Demetri's text with, "Have you changed your diet, then?"

"No, Master. He is introducing me to them as if they are cohorts on our mission. Surely he is still mad?" I hoped Demetri was never sent to track me. You could terrorize the man with words alone.

One did not have to be a mind reader to ascertain that Demetri now thought I was certifiably crazier than Victoria. He did not even deign to disguise his thoughts as his fingers moved at vampire speed burning down the lines to Marcus. Perhaps he thought me too stupid to understand his ranting in Renaissance Italian?

Demetri asked me "How?" He waved an arm, "They're . . . they're . . . animals." How did he make the Volturi guard? He was pointing out the painfully obvious.

"The treaty specifically forbade us from crossing onto the other's land without permission."

"That is why he sent me to assist you. I am of the Volturi," Demetri sniffed, "I can cross on their lands without breaking any agreement."

"Actually, that's not quite true. Since you are our guests, we are responsible for any violation of the treaty that you might do."

"What happens if the treaty is violated?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"First, whether or not you get _caught_ violating said agreement. Second, whether or not the other side is angry enough to do something about it."

"Are these shapeshifters angry?"

"They are."

"Why?"

"They seek to keep me from my mate. She is dear to them. They want her to remain human."

"They cannot do that. She is not of their tribe, no? Can't we just kill them?" Demetri seemed confused with why we bothered to do pesky things like stick to agreements.

"We could, but not without causing considerable chaos in this community. Our goal is to blend in, and if we killed them, we would most likely have to leave." Although a fiery van crash while coming back from a camping trip was beginning to look more appealing as time went on and Jacob grew more bold.

"Oh." Demetri tapped his lips against his fist. "Well, how are we going to get the parcel on their land without crossing it? Can you levitate objects?"

"Alas, no. The treaty has nothing against tree appreciation."

"What?"

"Being in the trees." What? Get your mind out of the gutter.

I looked at Gus, who had gathered together a few more friends and asked, "Is this your group?" Gus cheeped and nodded after introducing me to Huey, Duey, and Louie - three other gophers that had joined our quest. "Excellent. I have a box that I need to be delivered to Quileute land. I cannot touch the ground or I'll break a treaty with the wolves. Can you help me?" The animals seemed quite taken with that notion. "I'll pay you for your efforts in food."

They looked uncertain.

"It's not very heavy. I think you all can manage it. I will transport it to the site. All you have to do is arrange the box. I cannot touch the ground."

"How are you going to do this?" Demetri was scratching his head, still gobsmacked about me deigning to converse with the denizens of the Forest.

"By climbing and using the trees. I can't touch the ground. They never said I couldn't touch their trees."

Demetri laughed, "Now I see why Marcus likes you. Clever. I shall follow your lead."

Marvelous.

I said to the ministers of mayhem, my new minions, "And I might possibly be talked into playing another joke on the wolves involving the Dark Lord." That seemed to be the clincher for the animals. They were now most definitely interested. Especially Huey, Duey, and Louie, who were still peeved over one of the wolves eating their friend Pete.

I scurried to the first branch, and belatedly remembered I needed to consult with my mischief makers. I found them on the ground marching in formation – well as close that they could come – towards Quileute land. Gus led them. The squirrel brought up the rear of the box's honor guard. I said, "We're going that way." Lots of cheeping ensued.

Now they really seemed like my personal fan club. Especially Gus. So I climbed to the top of the tree and leaped through the sky until I found another large branch. Tip toeing through the treetops, I made my way to a nice clearing.

Demetri couldn't remember the last time he had climbed a tree seeing as it had occurred when he had been human. But he enjoyed leaping about even if he had a few misses here and there and almost touched the ground. Twice.

"Do you smell that?" Demetri asked.

"What?" The box still stank to high heaven. I was going to have to take several long showers to wash the stink off of me. Typical Renée finding yet another way to inconvenience me and keep me from my beloved. She had to go and be all dramatic about her exit from this earth. And stink. Maybe she was in on this with Jacob.

My colleague sniffed at the air, "I can smell rain coming."

"What of it? It rains every day here. Well, almost every day."

"That would wash away any residual scent on the box. With the help of the animals, this really will confuse the Quileute." About two miles over the border I found the perfect spot.

"There," I pointed at a tree stump, and climbed down to the last branch that could hold my weight. Dangling from the limb upside down, I dropped the box to the sacred ground.

Like groupies rushing the stage at a Beatles concert, Gus and his minions were so eager they kind of sort of tripped over one another in their efforts to reach the box. They landed, the container tipped over, and out rolled Renee's head and a whole bunch of bloody flowers. The animals stared at me like I should be ashamed of myself. Gus sniffed several times and backed away. The raccoons looked at Renee's eyes like they would make a nice lunch.

"Don't even think about eating her." I warned them with a wagging finger. "We may pretend to worship the Dark Lord to scare the tribe, but unlike James, I draw the line at feeding someone my mother-in-law. Offended, the raccoons sauntered away, tails wagging like snakes. Gus and his friends gathered up the flowers.

"What? Don't look at me. I didn't kill her." They took my word for that. One gopher, Duey I believe, with a chipped front tooth, gently tapped the head with a paw, sending it rolling to be kicked by Gus back into the box. The group all helped stuff the flowers back onto Renee. Once they were done putting the lid back on the box, we left a note, wrapped in plastic on top of the box that said, "For the wolves, Love Vicky-poo."

Demtri said, "When are you going to tell your mate about this?" Was he insane?

"Never." I snorted. I wasn't going to be tricked into giving her this big of bad news. That could hurt her feelings. I couldn't do that. It's not like she even talked to her mother. Maybe she wouldn't miss her for a few months. Then I could arrange for her neck to be chomped upon and hope that her human memories - well the non-important ones - fled.

"You do not intend to tell her that her parent was murdered?" Demetri was scandalized. I really was a cold bastard. He thought they could use me in Italy with the total lack of scruples I appeared to possess.

I ignored him to talk to my minions of mayhem, "Come with me and you all will feast." I climbed through the canopy and made my way back to our land. Demetri wanted to jump down once we crossed the border, but I said, "No, that would be too easy. We need to keep going and drop to the ground later. They'll never think we used the trees. They lack the imagination."

Demetri watched gobsmacked as I pulled a bag out from the backpack. "What is that?" He stared as I handled a mesh bag.

"Food."

"You _eat_ that?"

"No, I drink blood, remember? Do you require a refresher course on vegetarian vampires? This is for the animals to reward them for helping me." What a moron. What did it _look_ like I was doing? Ritual animal sacrifice? Wait. Hold that idea. I said to Gus, "I have the feeling we'll need a repeat performance tonight of our prayer vigil." The gophers start clapping their paws together and chittering in glee. "I'll meet you there. I'll be the bloody one. More bulbs to whoever shows." Gus inhaled the first hyacinth bulb I gave him and stared on another, holding it in his paws and nibbling like he was a participant in a competitive eating contest. He toasted me and kept inhaling his meal.

Demetri thought it was an awful shame, considering I was completely heartless and all, that I was also stark raving insane. He thought I would get along quite well with Aro.

Not even bothering to hide his lack of regret, he said, "I must go and attend Marcus, Edward."

I waved at him and went about my business as he skulked from the Forest. I passed out tulip bulbs for the entire group, sitting on the ground with them. Jasper found me like that a few minutes later. The animals froze in place as did my brother. I felt like I had been caught naked doing dastardly deeds. With animals. Not my mate. Alas.

"Yes?"

"Um, Edward, you're sitting here with animals."

"What of it? I'm feeding them. They did a favor for me." I passed Gus a bulb and tossed two at the raccoons that had come back for their reward. "Take these. They are far more nutritious for you than Renée's rotten eyeballs."

Jasper tried to act as if everything were normal. "What did they do, Edward?"

"Helped me not break the treaty in getting that box to the wolves."

"Nice. So Alice sent me a text that I needed to come and help you."

"With what?"

"Skewer Rosalie."

"Really?" My sister was awesome.

"She knows about the package you are having delivered. She predicts that will go over well."

I might possibly have fist pumped then.

"So Edward, what package is being delivered to Rosalie? Do tell."

"Just a few friendly sex toys." Jasper doubled over. "In the cafeteria at lunch."

Jasper shook his head at me, "Do you want to do anything else?"

"If you could help with the emotions tomorrow that would be ideal."

"Oh? Any particular requests?"

"Perhaps there is an email circulating about authored by Jessica Stanley accusing Rosalie of having an illicit affair with Mr. Banner, Mike Newton, and Lauren Mallory all at once."

Jasper rubbed his hands together and said, "You have mastered the fine art of propaganda. Allow me to take over. Say no more."

We headed towards home, leaping over creeks and gluches galore.

"Who is guarding Bella?" I asked Jasper.

"Oh, Marcus sent some men to relieve us. He wants the house watched at all times. Completely freaked the wolves out. Carlisle sent them an email saying that was what they got for trespassing on our land – We increased our numbers. Good thing you didn't get caught."

I said to Jasper, "I have news."

"And what would that be, little brother?"

"I can hear the wolves."

"We knew that."

"No. Really hear. They have this unique pack mind and can communicate with each other when phased. It's like this conglomeration of all their thoughts and has no distance limitations. I can hear it without them knowing that I am there and when they are unphased, too."

"Great. Don't tell Bella."

That stung. Even more, because it was the truth. While we had been gone Bella had disclosed our gifts to our supernatural enemies. "I have no intention of telling her that until she has come to her senses about Jacob Black and the other wolves."

"Mind if I offer some unsolicited advice?"

"Sure." Of course I minded. I had everything under control. Except that whole marriage business. Women! Confusing every last one of them. Especially mine.

"From what Alice has been hearing from her school friends, Bella had a difficult time after we left."

Why wouldn't she? I wasn't there. "I know this." Her life had become a shambles without me. She had lost weight, and had taken to keeping company with disreputable dogs.

"So you know that Jacob picked that time to inveigle his way into her graces, right?"

"He's playing the best friend card."

"Edward, that puts you in a tough position. If you tell her to dump him, she's only going to hang onto him tighter."

"Yes, but it also limits him." I chuckled.

"How so, brother?"

"He has to play the part of the friend. He cannot cross that line. If he does, he loses."

"That's true. But that also gives him an awful lot of leeway to build up credibility with her. He's got a several month's head start on you at a time when she was emotionally vulnerable. She also is grateful to him and the tribe for risking their lives to save hers."

"So what do I tell her?"

"That you understand that stinky boy is her friend, and that you support their friendship."

Perhaps I spluttered. A bit. "Seriously?"

"Indeed. Yes."

"I'm a good liar when I have to, Jasper, but even by my standards getting her to buy that will be a stretch."

"You have to believe it. Really, he can't threaten you. He's a child."

True. So true.

"What advantage do I get out of supporting their friendship?"

"You give him nowhere to go. Sooner or later he's going to try to convince her to dump you. With you and her happy with no conflict between you, he can't argue that you're controlling her."

"Granted."

"So you need to work on getting back into her good graces."

"I know."

"Day by day."

I grunted at him. Then held up a palm.

"What is it?" Jasper searched the area by nose to see if we had company. "I do not sense anyone nearby."

"I am reading Sam's mind. He is leading the pack on patrol. They have caught the scent of the box."

"Excellent." Jasper rubbed his hands together, "I think it's phenomenal that you can do this, Edward. We'll basically have the wolves conducting patrol for us. Less work that way."

I watched as Sam and the pack made their way and found the box. Sam phased to human form, lifted up the note and the lid of the box before quickly slamming it shut. Promptly, he lost his breakfast and lunch all over Jacob. Pity. That.

Phasing to human form, Jacob shrieked like a little girl, "What the fuck was that?" Even more proof of the toad's stupidity. Did he not recognize vomit when someone spewed on him? Or Renée's head? Stolid simpleton. And I don't mean to judge, but those men spent entire too much time standing around naked in each other's company for my comfort. Maybe Jacob really was gay. He did seem to spend an awful long time admiring Sam's musculature. Could he be using Bella to act as his beard? One wondered. It merited further consideration. I'd have to have Jasper get a read on the situation.

Jasper poked at me. At my arm. Deviant. He said, "What was their reaction?"

"Sam phased to human form, lifted the lid, and lost his McDonalds Egg McMuffin and hashbrowns with extra ketchup all over Jacob. Who also phased and squealed about being the vomit receptacle."

"Excellent!" Jasper punched the air before pretending to be a drummer for a few moments patting against his legs. Which was irritating to those of us that were attempting to focus with gifts we never knew we had.

Sam leaned against a mossy trunk and rubbed at his eyes. The others waited for him to regain his composure. They could guess that something unpleasant was in the box. Sam decided that they didn't need to be bothered with the grisly details. He suspected that was Bella's mother from pictures he had seen at Charlie's but there was nothing to be gained by disturbing her in the event he erred. This was not their mess. He was going to make the leeches take care of their own problems. What an ingenious idea. Except he wasn't sure how he was going to accomplish that. Yet.

Sam said to the rest of the pack. "Don't touch this. We have rain coming soon. It will wash our scent from it. I'll handle it later." With that, he phased back to stech-wolf form and off they went.

Jasper asked, "How did he take it?"

"Barfed."

"You already shared that with me. After that?"

"Decided that he's going to pass it off onto us. Left it in place. Went off running."

Quietly, Jasper said, "Come with me." He led me into the Olympic National Park, where we climbed atop a mountain and took in the view. After, of course, pouncing upon a few hapless deer.

"You know that I fought in the Southern War."

Saying, "Could have read that from your face alone," would have been rude, perhaps insensitive, so I inclined my head instead. I could exercise tact and diplomacy when it mattered.

"One of the things that Maria used to have us do was hunt humans. Whoever managed to elude us the longest got to be turned, the rest died."

"Ew." Okay, that was rude. But it was honest, too.

"Have you ever been hunted, Edward?" I really hoped that was a rhetorical question. Drat. He expected an answer.

"No, unless you count being chased after by Jessica Stanley in the library and her infamous can of breath spray."

Jasper said, "Her crush on you is most definitely obnoxious. I avoid her whenever possible."

"Only because you're backup plan number one once she realizes that I'm just not that into her."

"True."

"So why are you asking if I've been hunted?"

"Because Bella has been hunted. For months. By Victoria. And she's a mortal, Edward. How she has kept her mouth shut all this time is a miracle."

Way to go rubbing my face in the muck of my amassed shame.

"I already know this."

"So how do you feel, if you are in her shoes, for the one person who you could talk to during this time. The one person that did not judge you. The one person that saved you?"

"Protective."

"Exactly. She's going to fear you will tear them apart."

"How do I _keep_ them apart?"

"Insist that another immortal must be present in case he phases. Like Alice. Or you get really vicious."

"I like the really vicious part so far."

"Don't put any restrictions on them at all. They can spend all the time together that they want."

"Are you nuts?"

"No. I'm not. Can't say the same for you, oh man who plays with the animals."

"Sorry, not giving that up. They help me get things done. And I can communicate with them." Which seemed to be the best excuse aside from telling them that I really had experienced a nervous breakdown.

"Edward the more you try to control Bella, the harder it will be to make your case. While we've been gone, she's become used to being on her own with the wolves. For us to come home and insist that she can't hang around the only group that has saved her would be foolish."

"I know."

"So go see her, and play to win."

"I will. I need to tell Marcus that I delivered the package." I left off the, "in person and ascertain whether he thinks I belong in the supernatural loony bin," part.

Running back to the house, after scouring in the shower and scrubbing the stink off of me, I found Marcus sitting behind Father's desk, yammering in Italian on the phone. He hung up when I knocked on the doorway.

"Come in, please, Edward. How did the delivery go?"

"Well, I managed to get the package there without breaking the treaty."

"Oh? Did you fly?"

"Better, I climbed trees." I explained my ruse. When I confessed about my use of the animals - which led to me telling about my scene praying to the Dark Lord - much to our guest's entertainment. Marcus slapped his leg and said, "Oh, Edward, I have just the thing for you." He reached into a pocket and took out a necklace. "You should wear this sometime when the wolves can see it. Keep it hidden from Bella, though. She might not understand."

It was a black pentagram. I was not even going to ask why Marcus had one on him.

"If the animals are willing, I think that you definitely should have another prayer service to the Dark Lord."

Father texted me that he was on his way home, having just finished up with Charlie and Bella. I waited a few minutes and made my way over to her house, climbing in through the window. She was back in bed, asleep.

I nudged her as I crawled onto the bed, "What did Father say?"

"I'll live."

"You almost sound disappointed."

"He lectured me on gaining weight and said I'm anemic. I now have even more pills to swallow."

"You'll get better."

"Whatever. I'm tired." She curled up on her side and fell asleep.

That just proved that I was right in not telling her about Renée. My dear little distressed one would undoubtedly become my dear little clinically depressed one. Or worse, if she stayed in that state until she was turned, she could end up like Rosalie, my not so dear little perpetually _shrewish_ one. Victoria had been right in one regard. I definitely should be showering Bella with flowers. She liked those. I'd go into the mountains and pick avalanche lilies and daisies for her tomorrow before school.

My phone chirped. Checking it, I found a text from Marcus, "Edward, have sent you an assistant for your Dark Mass. Have fun. – M"

Who might that be?

I heard his voice calling me from downstairs, "Oh Edward, you and I have some plotting to do, my dear boy. Isn't that wonderful!"

God help me. This was enough to make me seriously consider worshipping the Dark Lord. Aro. As my lackey? I gazed down upon my sleeping beloved and wondered if her scent had finally managed to have the effect of causing hallucinations in me.

No such luck.

Aro was sitting on the branch outside of her window. And if I didn't move quickly enough, the tricky bastard would be actually in her room. And I couldn't have that. I joined him and said, "Oh, hello. Follow me. We have hunting to do first."

I led Aro on a merry chase. We went just close enough to the wolves' land to catch their interest and then fled to neutral ground to hunt. Sure enough, they watched us as I tackled another elk, and Aro decided just for the beauty of the act, to try his hand at hunting. He was a little eager on the doe that he found. He ripped her throat out causing her to shower him with blood. Which made him chortle with glee.

I could hear Paul thinking, _"What the fuck? I thought they drank blood. That fucker is wearing it."_

"_Those are supposed to be the civilized ones? What the hell? I can't wait to tell Bella her boyfriend worships Satan,"_ came from Jacob Black.

"_Thank God I don't eat prior to these phasing runs," _Seth Clearwater gulped.

Sam suspected something was afoot but lacked evidence to make it stick. They were in their Chippendale's form now – wearing their cut-off jeans looking like a male stripper review.

I began disemboweling my kill. And dragged it back to my make-shift altar wearing a few feet of entrails around my neck. Gus and his minions were laid out like little dolls on the "altar" I had indicated.

Aro knew we had an audience and said, "We must paint our bodies with blood. That way the masssster," he dragged out the s for fun, "Will be sure of our sacrifice." So we did. I took off my shirt. And pants. And underpants. Even my socks. There was no limit to what I would do the make the wolves scream.

"_Dude, the fucker's naked? What the hell?"_ Seth squealed. Right. And he didn't stand around naked with his men all the time? Double standard, anyone?

"If he tries to bend the other guy over, Sam, I'm out of here," Brady warned.

For such a little man, I'm sorry to say, Aro was hung like a porn star. Even the wolves noticed.

"_Gah! Look at that one with the donkey dick! What the hell." _Of course, he was pointing at me. I don't mean to brag . . .

"_Focus, Edward!" _Aro mentally shouted at me. A little louder so the mind reading Europeans could hear you. Jeez.

I cried, "Oh Dark Master," Gus howled piteously followed by the other animals on the altar. They put their paws together as if they were begging me. I laughed darkly, and continued, "Thank you for gifting us with the souls of these creatures, so we can turn the souls of the wolf pack to being our servants." Gus yowled again, and let out a fantastic choke-sob before nuzzling his head next to Douglas who used his tail to wipe at his friend's fake tears. I was ready to join him in the crying part. From laughter. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to maintain my acting.

"_Oh, Christ. Not more of this stabbing animals shit. That freaked me out last night. Now he's got a whole bunch of them. C'mon Sam. Jesus would not be cool with this,"_ Paul whined. "I've been reading the Bible. They are not down with worshipping Satan. It's like totally against the rules."

Sam smacked Paul with a large hand. "We are on neutral land. We are here to observe. Nothing more."

Paul said after pointing an accusing finger, "So it doesn't bother you at all that he's now wearing a pentagram around his neck? Huh?"

Sam could not be budged, "How Edward chooses to accessorize when he prances around naked in the woods is not my problem. We're leaving Jesus out of this." Way to go criticizing me for prancing while they were prancing in matching denim man-thongs. Hypocrites.

Aro started painting runes on his skin that glowed in the dark. And he was good with the artistry. He even creeped me out as he angelically sang in Latin. Backwards Latin. The Exorcist would be so proud. If he started horking up split pea soup any second, I would not be surprised. He definitely was channeling his inner Linda Blair. He thought at me, _"I read up on the Black Mass just for this. Thank you, dear boy for inviting me. It is so much fun playing with you. Those beasts stink. I would kill them for that alone."_

His song ended and he nodded at me as it was my turn to terrorize the wolves. With apologies not extended to the composer, I gave the song, "Jesus Loves Me," a Satanic makeover and trilled, "Yes, Dark Master loves meeeeee."

Now came the good part.

I pulled out a branch that I'd sharpened into a spear and brought it crashing down, presumably on the animals. Blood went everywhere, along with a cup of red wine. Aro moved so fast the wolves couldn't see him snatching up the animals and running away into the night. One second it looked like I held the spear aloft, and the next, after the lightning and thunder, the animals and Aro were gone with a bloody mess left in place. And like clockwork, the heavens opened above and it started to pour. Which felt cold. And shriveled certain delicate parts of me. So I dressed and ran like hell. I left behind me no evidence aside from a single spear that I had planted into the ground. The force of the rain washed away the wine and gore. But it didn't drown out the thundering of the wolves when they turned tail and ran out of the clearing. I stopped just long enough to text Sam, "Gotcha."

Picking wildflowers in the rain is not my idea of the best way to spend an evening, but I did it for my slumbering beloved. She liked them. I wanted to make her happy. And I owed her so much more. I wanted to see her smile when she opened her eyes. Having cleaned myself of the blood, and changed into appropriate attire, I was in an alpine section of the National Park plucking blossoms in the name of romance. The things I sank to, in order to win her back. It was worth it.

When I returned to her room, I found she had put up the gifts that I had returned to her. My picture was not on the wall. Which bugged me to no extent as Beach Bunny Jacob made more rude gestures at me. And mooned me.

She appeared to be having a nightmare. Bella tossed her head from side to side and her lips moved although sound did not emerge from them. I decided to step in when she began biting her lips hard enough to draw blood.

I caressed her cheek with a petal. "Bella, you need to wake up."

"Mmm, Edward?" she asked. I hope no one else woke her up this way. That would be grounds for dispatching him, immediately. No questions asked.

"Yes, my love?"

"What?" she jerked awake, rubbed at her eyes,and stared around trying to find what had been on her cheek. I presented her with a flower.

"For you. Care to talk about your dream?"

"How pretty. You didn't have to do that." She dodged the dream question. Drat.

"But I wanted to make you smile. I know how much you love the flowers this time of year. If you like, after school, I'll take you to the park so we can see them." I had totally become a girl. But still.

"That would be lovely."

"I'll pick you up for school at the usual time."

"I need to go in a little early to collect my missed work."

"Fifteen minutes?"

"That should do it."

"Edward, I hate to do this, but if Charlie comes in here and finds flowers, we're toast. Can you please keep them in your room for me?"

"Of course." I kissed her lips carefully. "See you then." I had barely left the room before Charlie all but fell through the doorway looking around suspiciously. Now I know where the Keystone Kops could find their newest member.

"I thought I heard talking." He grumbled and pulled up his trousers. Scratch that. Now I could see him wearing an obscenely large belt buckle, cowboy boots, and a stetson.

"Who would I be talking to? I had the radio on. Besides, I'm grounded, remember?" Bella didn't quite lie, and she did have her radio on at a low volume. Charlie stomped out of her room without bothering to answer like the Jolly Green Jerk. He was the reason I had to go home holding posies in my hand. My beautiful wanted me to keep her flowers for her. Take that, Jacob Black. No one deflowered my girl's room. But me. I ran into Douglas and asked if he would mind doing me a favor. For two almonds, he was happy to oblige. He left Bella a miniature daisy on her window sill.

An hour later, we sat in my car, ready to face the fresh faces of Forks High. Damn barracudas. I wish I could save my beloved from this unwanted scrutiny. But tongues were wagging, as Jacob had bleated about Bella running off and news had spread. Now everyone knew from the minds around me, that a) Bella had gone running after me on short notice, and b) all of my family had returned to town, and c) Bella and I were back together. Okay, fine. They didn't know the c part. But I would be doing my best to convey that message to them. They also were under the impression that Rosalie was about ready to be dethroned as the Ice Queen of Forks High. Which was totally true.

Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley went running arms extended like hyper zombies with far too much makeup, at Rosalie, "Sweetie!" Lauren sang as she wrapped my stiff-as-a-fire poker sibling in her tarantula-like embrace. "I came as soon as you emailed me."

"I did?" Rosalie stammered. Then narrowed her eyes, searching for prey.

Emmett shrugged at supernatural speed and said at a pitch the humans could not hear, "I don't know anything about this Rosie. Suck it up and roll with it. Pretend to be nice." My sister only just avoided shuddering when Jessica Stanley attached herself to Rosalie's other arms. I was reminded of the time I saw a small poodle attempt sexual congress with Jasper's leg. Jasper drained him within seconds.

From our place across the parking lot, Bella said, "What the heck was that?"

"What?"

"I didn't know your sister even spoke to other students, much less Lauren and Jessica." That was so much nicer than saying, "Your sister is a complete bitch who never deigns to speak to mere mortals."

"Rosalie can surprise occasionally." Like today. Soon. I kissed the hand of my beloved and went about picking out stationary for our wedding announcements with my smart phone. It could not hurt to be prepared. Besides, I was so not letting Alice plan my wedding. One had to have boundaries in this immortal life. What? Stop laughing.

**Stay tuned for fun with Rosalie. And the wolves. Please review. It amuses me. And inspires snark.**

**Douglas is waving at you.**

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><p>References:<p>

For more on that pesky albatross, read the original - Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: http:/www (dot) online-literature (dot) com/coleridge/646/

Jesus Loves Me - the song - sung by Whitney Houston: http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=ZNqAHrNNLqA


	6. Chapter 6

**The Stench Wars Chapter Six – Bad to the Bone**

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for beta-ing, and pomme_de_terre for her sage advice. **

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

**I have rarely been so entertained. It's wonderful to meet new readers. Thanks so much for all your support with this story. You asked for more fun with the animals, so I decided to write it. The story will go over six chapters (*points at readers dying of laughter* Silence in the peanut gallery), but somehow I don't think you'll mind. **

**Snarky Summary: Victoria did Edward the favor of offing Renée. She even was thoughtful enough to gift wrap her surprise for Bella and have it personally delivered. Not. Edward intercepted the package containing his future mother-in-law's head and with help from the animals - his ministers of mayhem, managed to leave the box on Quileute land. No one wants to be the messenger in this case. It might interfere, from Edward's POV with that whole wedding business that he is actively planning. He can be sensitive. Sometimes. **

**Edward and Aro conduct a fake black mass and announce that they have chained the souls of the wolf pack to them. Satan, too. Sam is suspicious. The wolves are in hysterics. Aro likes getting naked and painting glow in the dark runes on his body and wants to do that again. For intimidation purposes. Soon. **

**Edward feels Rosalie was not quite sincere when she did that apology business. He'd like to help her out with that problem. So he arranges to a rumor to start involving her having sex with Mr. Banner, Mike Newton, and Lauren Mallory. He also arranges for emails to arrive to Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley leading those two ladies to believe that Rosalie would actually like to spend time with them. And he orders up a package of sex toys to be delivered to the school at lunch to his sister. He's nice like that. Between you and me, I think having Lauren and Jessica trailing after me would be far worse than getting a box of sex toys in public. Sex toys can't talk. They don't write. They don't send flowers. Well, you get the idea. **

**Things you need to know from past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows. Edward proposed. Bella kind of sort of said, "ask me when you aren't crazy." So he plans on asking. He's working on that whole wooing business. Then there's Bella's BFF, Jacob Black. Edward would like to arrange for Jacob to disappear. Forever. But that would distress his bride. So acting on Jasper's advice, he's going to mount a campaign to rid Bella of Jacob. Without getting caught. And so we begin.**

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><p>I texted Marcus, "Am worried the wolves might try something while we are at school."<p>

He answered, "Have you detected anything from their thoughts?" Using my gift I reached out for the pack mind. The jokers were asleep. It was seven-thirty in the morning. Weren't some of them supposed to be obtaining an education? Oh wait, I recalled belatedly that Jacob had thought that since he had become a wolf, school was for sissies and he needed to spend all his awake time patrolling for lurking vampires.

"They slumber at present. I have a bad feeling."

"Well, you did a good job convincing them that you and Aro had stolen their souls with your black mass," Marcus laughed. That was totally true. Good times.

"Do you want me to post men outside of the school?"

"If someone comes, I'll sense it. I don't think that will be necessary."

"You do realize that Victoria is coming. She's late for her meeting."

"Yes, I know. I will keep an ear out for her." That was one meeting that was long overdue. That shrew had killed my future mother-in-law, which was much appreciated as it saved me the chore. But it would nevertheless distress my dear little recently-rejected-my-proposal one who currently walked beside me as we prepared to face the first day back at school.

It was cold enough that Bella's breath created clouds of steam, and her cheeks and nose turned red.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this cold." She shivered inside of her jacket.

Walking through the parking lot revealed a cornucopia of cars. The students here drove everything from twenty-year old clunkers to shiny sedans. They also rarely bothered to clean them, as most cars were splattered with the detritus of last week's snow and mud. Tyler Crowley opened his van door in such a manner that I had to pull Bella out of the way. That man was a menace even with a stationary automobile.

"Um, thanks." Bella said.

I ignored the pointed stares that were directed at Bella and me. She seemed uncomfortable as we walked toward the office to pick up my new schedule. Listening to the thoughts of the students as I wove my way through the throng proved illuminating.

My girlfriend had apparently gone all emo when I had left town. She had done everything but the black nail polish: rarely talking, looking unkempt, and in the end, left alone to her own devices. That ended today. It seemed Newton in his own way tried to be supportive, for which I would not break him into tiny little pieces. Angela Weber had been kind enough to invite Bella over to her house to engage in that dreaded activity of watching juvenile movies and spilling one's guts –also known as female bonding. Why anyone wanted to talk that much to another soul that they had no intention of sleeping with - about something that personal –was completely beyond me.

I opened the door to the office and held it wide so that Bella could pass through before me.

"Good morning. I'm here to pick up my schedule, and those of my siblings."

"Welcome back, Edward." Mrs. Cope beamed at me. I ignored her staring at my crotch. I couldn't help it if I even elderly women found me attractive. It was the nature of my vampire charms.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cope. Is that my schedule?"

"Yes, dear. Here you go. Don't be late." I looked down and only had half of my classes with Bella. This was unacceptable. I planned on protesting. Passing into the hallway, I gave my siblings their schedules and caught the gimlet eye of my sister. The _other _one. The one that I liked.

Alice thought to me,_ "Edward, I don't see this going well for you if you fight this. You have math and science and English with her. The rest of us are in her other classes. Give us some time to have her without you present so we can learn more about how to help her."_

I glowered at my sister and infinitesimally inclined my forehead, acknowledging her point.

We made our way to English. Our teacher passed out copies of Chaucer. Ye gads, that man had a bawdy sense of humor. Jasper's gift was afoot as the students were far too excited for English class without being supernaturally medicated. The cheer of the students began to grate after a while. I kept expecting Chief Swan to come bursting into the classroom any second and inform Bella of her mother's passing. I needed a drink. Too bad alcohol didn't work on my system.

Every time I heard a door open or a car approach I tensed. As time went by, and we settled into the mundane routine of higher education, that fear increased. What was he waiting on? An engraved invitation?

Speaking of invitations, I was ordering ours. I had picked out an appropriate font, which had taken forever. Since Bella was so obsessed about aging, I had set the date for her birthday. That would be a two for one win for me. I'd never have to worry about forgetting our wedding anniversary. I called that practical. The sparkly white paper that the wedding invitations went on should make her smile.

Right about then, the pack woke up. Sam kicked Jacob awake with a foot and said, "Take that box and dump it with the leeches."

"I can't cross their land. You made that clear."

"That's why you aren't going to go to their land. Take it to their school. Leave it in their car."

Jacob cackled. "Nice. Can I break a window or two?"

Sam sighed, "Do whatever you need to do –within reason –to get rid of that box, Jake. I want it in their hands by this afternoon." Well, he did have a point. Cars were not covered under the treaty.

"Right. See ya." Jacob picked up the box and started mentally grumbling about how he'd have to take another shower and Jesus Christ did Renée ever stink. He hoped that wasn't hereditary.

Hunh? How could decomposition of a corpse be hereditary? That man was a walking advertisement for a gene pool lifeguard. Someone needed to stay out of the pool for the sake of humanity. Not that I gave a damn about any human. Except mine.

I would have to ask Jasper if castration was against the treaty. He would know. Or how I could get around that pesky problem if it was. Perhaps I needed to arrange for Jacob to get drunk. Really, really drunk. Drunk as a skunk. And have a convenient accident with a pair of gardening shears. Why waste time with castration when simply killing him would be so much more efficient?

I excused myself to go to the restroom and bolted for the forest. I had a minion waiting for me. I called her Lobelia because a skunk needed an ironic sweet smelling name. I handed her a few tender leaves as a bribe – I mean payment –and said, "Jacob is on his way. Do you think that you could arrange for him to have a welcome reception?"

Lobelia really liked that idea. She conveyed a message to a few birds. Once I bribed the birds with a promise of all the birdseed that they could eat, they took to the skies chirping away spreading the sunshine. This was going to be epic.

To avoid detection, Jacob parked his car five miles from school. He had just alighted from the vehicle when the first skunk darted out of the bushes turned his back to him and unleashed hell.

"What the fuck!" Jake shrieked, dropping the box. Renée's head went flying as did the flowers. The skunk made a clean getaway, jumping from the stunned Quileute youth to his ratty upholstery – which she also perfumed. Then she performed a U-turn, sending daisies and poppies flying through the air as she hopped over Renée, who now had blossoms sticking out of her nostrils and ears. She all but pranced from the scene.

Jacob threw up his arms and punched a helpless tree. "Aw, man!"

What a moron, clearly he was staring at a _female_ head. I don't mean to judge, but Bella had horrible taste in men. Except, of course, for me. On my way back to class, I used my smart phone to compile a list of appropriate venues to hold our wedding reception. Would two months be too soon to plan a wedding? I couldn't ask Alice. She'd have hysterics and try to plan it without me.

I heard my sister suck in her breath as a vision hit her. Of Bella and I walking down the aisle. Sometimes I loved having a sister that I could bait into having visions. Wedding Vision Bella was spectacular. I wasn't letting her out of the house in a gown that low cut. But still.

This meant I had permission from fate to pick out a hall. My psychic sister said so.

Would five million be enough to pay for the wedding? I would have to ask Mother.

Jasper hissed at me at vampire pitch as I passed his room, "Say lover-boy, how are the plans going?"

"Jake has just been skunked," I boasted.

"Fantastic!" The students around him began howling with glee.

"I'm sure you can think of something to keep him busy. He should be within your range in moments."

I listened for Jake's beady little mind. He had dived into a nearby river trying to wash the stench from him. Dripping with algae, he fumbled for Renée's head. He didn't bother replacing the flowers. Instead the cretin shredded some deer ferns and used them for packing. Along with some clumps of thick moss he ripped from a rotten log. Renée's dented head now had green stains on its teeth. She looked every bit as horrified as I was. Jacob Black was a depraved animal.

He shut the box as a flock of sparrows flew above him and, well, coated him with excrement. On three separate passes. They made sure to decorate his car, too. Down went the box with the head in it. Jacob did a better job packing the battered container the second time around, but didn't fare so well with skunks number two through seven.

He was now crying as he ran toward the school. I saw people grabbing their children off the sidewalks and yanking them into houses as he approached. He did look like something that escaped from a zombie apocalypse movie. His clothing was torn. One of his unnaturally large breasts protruded through a hole in his shirt. He had splats of excrement and moss covering him. And from the reactions of the people he encountered, as well as Jake's own thoughts, he stank.

It probably wasn't helped by the fact he had four skunks stalking him now. Oh, well, he had met skunks numbers eight through twelve when they sprayed him from under the shrubbery. I should hire these guys out. Once again, he had fallen on the ground in a fetal position and had abandoned the box. This was too easy. Unfortunately, Renée's head reeked even worse than it had due to decomposition. But I thought if she knew what a jerk Jacob was, she wouldn't mind.

Jake slowed his rocking when Chief Swan's cruiser pulled up alongside him.

Charlie got out of the car and waved a hand in front of his face. "I got a call about a wandering vagrant - and here I find you. Jesus, Jake. What the hell happened?"

Sniveling like a toddler, my least favorite servant of Satan whined, "They just kept coming."

"You need to get home and get a shower, kid. And you should be in school. What do you have here?"

Charlie turned away from Jake, bent over, and picked up the box. Predictably, the lid fell off.

"No! Don't touch that!"

Jake mentally complained that he was too young to go to prison for life for a murder he didn't commit. Pity, that.

Chief Swan stared inside the box for an awfully long time and then barked, "Is this some kind of joke?" That man was smarter than I gave him credit for.

"No."

"What are you doing making some kind of model of my ex-wife?"

"Oh, I wanted to give it to Bella."

"Not stinking like this you aren't. I'm not about to let this near her or my house. Go home. And it's nice that you wanted to give her something to remember her mom by, but throw this away."

Jake stood and took the box.

And that was when flock number two flew overhead. What a vision. They pelted Jake, Charlie and the cruiser. I definitely needed to invest in more bird seed. They had earned bags of the stuff. The school got to see both men pelted. Jasper's class had broken out into hysterics and the teacher was trying to get their attention back on math. I left Jacob alone as he had given up and decided to return home. Twelve more skunks were going to escort him home. And irritated gophers galore –with a long memory about their late friend, Pete, –planned on helping once he hit the Forest. They had given Jake their very best by stuffing acorns up the tailpipe. Not _his_ tailpipe. The tailpipe on his _car._ Perverts. Even my animal minions had limits.

I texted Jake, "I wouldn't suggest trying to approach Bella at school again, seeing as I now own you." Followed by, "I don't think you'll like what I'd do if you disobey this order. I have eyes everywhere."

Jake crumpled his phone and started running, shrieking all kinds of language that I am too well-mannered to repeat when he heard more birds.

My work was almost done. The bell rang for lunch. I had an appointment to keep. With justice.

Rosalie was standing in line pretending to care what food she selected, with Jessica and Lauren all but nursing from her breasts. She led them to her usual table, grumbling under her breath about stupid human women. Bella and I joined her. Of course.

Rosalie was concerned that she had to say something to Bella to appear to be friendly. She had no idea, however, how to go about doing that, seeing as she wasn't nice and all. She was also concerned because Bella looked a little pale to her. And she felt bad for me that my girlfriend had the good sense to turn me down. What? Oh, that was it. Rosalie in her perfection had decided that I had no business getting married, seeing as I was still delusional.

Must be nice being so perfect. Rosalie had earned what I was going to do to her multiple times over. This was moral. This was right. This was definitely going to happen.

I focused on Bella when Chett, the out-of-work actor I hired to play the delivery man, came into the cafeteria wearing a UPS uniform.

"Is Rosalie Hale here?" he bellowed.

Rosalie saw the box in his hands and squealed, "Oh Emmett, you didn't!"

"Didn't what?" My brother was confused.

"You got me something. How thoughtful of you." After all the stress she had been through because I had gone bonkers and almost ruined her perfect life, Rosalie felt she deserved a special treat. I quite agreed.

She snatched the box from Chett who winked at her and said, "Someone's a little eager, today. Just sign here. It's all paid for just like you asked."

Rosalie ignored that last part and scribbled a signature at the man and said, "Honey, tip him please."

Emmett pulled out money from his wallet and handed it to the delivery man, who said, "Thank you, you are one lucky lady!" He sailed from the room, grinning from ear to ear.

Rosalie opened the box and everyone at the table leaned over to see what was going on. That's when the little incendiary device that I had created went off: I dropped my heavy plastic tray on the floor, creating a loud boom. Aided by Jasper's emo-gift, it caused Rosalie to shriek and toss the box. It flew against the wall and the contents spilled out onto the floor.

Jasper used his gift to spark morbid curiosity in the students.

Chaos reigned in the cafeteria when the box was opened and vibrators fell out, and rumbled on the floor, along with a few colorful sex toys. Freaky sex toys. The ball gag was a nice touch. Along with the whip, feather boa, and gift certificate for a lifetime supply of lube. Because I'm a considerate soul, I even arranged to have an autographed copy of Jenna Jameson's _How To Make Love Like a Porn Star_ included.

Rosalie shrieked, "What the Hell is that?"

Mike Newton had heard the rumors about him and Rosalie engaging in sordid activities. His thoughts indicated he found this notion highly entertaining, as he had fantasized about using one of those toys on my sibling a time or nine. As he watched Rosalie's features contort, Mike thought, _"I know she's hot and everything, but if I did her, I'd probably have to gag her because talking just ruins the whole fantasy. Hey, I wonder if she's into spanking?" _

"I believe it's yours." Mike Newton tried to pass the box to her, after picking it up like the gentleman he was not, causing tongues to wag. Literally.

"Great taste in books." Tyler Crowley leered at my sister. And laughed.

"Not mine," Rosalie huffed and pushed the box at Newton.

Mike dropped the box at her seat and said, "This dildo has your name on it." He was right. It was personalized with sparkly silver script. As the only hint I'd give her, I had used the same script as our wedding invitations. The devil was in the details.

Rosalie snarled. "Oh yeah? Well this one has yours on it, big boy." She handed him a monster sized dildo. Mike blanched.

Rosalie stamped her foot. "This is some sick joke. There's no way I'd be caught dead using that cheap line of products. Whoever did this is going to pay." She covered her mouth and scurried from the room. Jasper used his gift to cause everyone to break out in hysterics.

Jessica and Lauren ran after her with shrieks of, "Wait for me!" and, "Honey, I'm here for you!"

That only added fuel to the fire about my sisters alleged lesbian tendencies. Not that there's anything wrong with that whole sexuality identity issue.

As we carried our trays out of the lunchroom, Alice looked at me and whispered at vampire pitch, "Satisfied?"

She with the forked tongue - I mean Rosalie - was the focus of the most fertile wave of gossip to hit Forks in years. She caused scores of tongues to click, thumbs typing on phones, and fingers tapping in the computer lab. Somehow, that didn't make me feel better.

At the same volume, I answered, "Not really."

"Why?"

"Because Rosalie doesn't care about what she did."

"I don't think that is the case. She was horrified."

"That she got caught looking insensitive."

"Give her time."

"I've got lots of it on my hands. She had better change the way she treats Bella, or I'll leave the family."

With that, I spun on my heel and went over to my beloved who had watched Rosalie's performance without saying a word. She had actually appeared embarrassed for my sister.

Bella threw away over half of her food. She wrapped her arm around mine as we made our way to our lockers to prepare for the next class.

"You want to tell me what that was all about?"

"Later."

On cue, my phone rang.

"I'm sorry, but I have to take this. It's Sam."

"What the Hell was that, last night?"

"Great choice of words."

"You know what I mean. What's with the animal sacrifice?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about. I didn't engage in that activity."

"Stop the bullshit. I saw you killing those elk."

"Well, a man has to eat, you know."

"What are you trying to do to my pack? They're convinced that you have chained their souls to Satan." Sadly, he wasn't exaggerating. Using my gift to spy through their eyes revealed that Paul was asleep with the Bible clutched to his chest. Seth had a plastic glow-in-the-dark rosary around his neck. I couldn't wait to tell him that was sacrilegious. And ineffective.

"Wow, that has to suck for you. I have a call on my other line and I'm about ready to go into class. Catch you later."

Bella gave me a measured glance. "Spill. What was that all about?"

I waved a hand dismissively and threw an arm around her shoulder. "Someone saw me eating out the other night and were complaining about my lack of table manners."

"Oh. Well that's kind of rude. It's not their place to watch you."

"I quite agree." I pulled her closer for a quick kiss and contemplated dragging her away from school and chaining her in my bedroom. That, however, would prove inconvenient with all the house guests we had underfoot. What was a century old depraved vampire to do when he wanted some good old-fashioned necking?

"So would you mind going with me to look at churches?"

"For?"

"I would like to see where you'd like to get married." Walking behind us, Lauren Mallory, released from stalking my sister for the moment, nearly hyperventilated. I saw her holding a hand to her mouth and because the devil made me do it, winked at her.

To seal the image in Miss Mallory's tiny little mind, I leaned over and kissed my dear little reticent one chastely. She tasted so good against my lips. I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and run away from school with all my might.

Bella whispered, "You are relentless."

"You have no idea. Kissing you is so much more fun that learning about the Eisenhower administration."

History was a drag. Especially when you had lived through the period you were studying. And don't get me started on how atrocious the textbooks were. If I had to listen to Jasper moan about the inaccuracies of the text about the Civil War one more time. That would get Carlisle kvetching over the poor coverage of 17th century England. Oh, never mind.

I spent my time in history class planning out the guest list for our wedding. It couldn't hurt to run the list by Mother to see if she wanted to add anyone. And of course I had to invite Marcus and the Volturi guard. Aro, too, despite him being a freaky little troll of a man. As long as he kept his deviant eyes off my bride, we would get along just fine. I liked his enthusiasm for torturing the wolves - and fake worshiping the Dark Lord.

I suspected Rosalie, by the tenor of her thoughts when I passed her in the hall, had figured out that I might possibly have had something to do with her humiliation. She fumed when the principal asked her to come to his office – and called our parents – to explain her shopping habits. Our confused coven leaders did not have to mime shock when the principal whipped out the box of sex toys and showed them Exhibit A in the Look What Your Daughter Has Been Up To Meeting.

I was vastly entertained by Rosalie yelping, "Those aren't mine."

Mother said, "But is says you paid for them with our credit card that we created for you, dear."

"It's fraud, I tell you! I would never be caught dead with those!" A little late for that. Her being dead and all. And caught. But still.

Rosalie was given one hundred hours of Spartan Service – our form of detention – for her little stunt. The principal left out the rumor of my sister allegedly having a torrid affair with a teacher, although he planned on asking said teacher after class was over. He had to call the school district's attorney to come and witness. Rosalie was going to have so much fun in science class. When it came to vengeance, I was the gift that kept on giving. I planned on being generous with my sister.

I had to drop Bella off at her house after school and then return to mine. Charlie had insisted that, despite his daughter being in frail health, she be grounded and alone without proper medical supervision until he came home and they ate dinner. At seven o'clock, I was permitted to knock on their door and had to leave at nine. Bastard. He was interfering with my wooing of his daughter. Why couldn't Victoria have done a clean sweep of Bella's family?

On cue, my phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Why do you sound so cheery?" my least-favorite red-headed stalker asked.

"I'm not. My fiancée is grounded because her friend tattled on her about that whole cliff diving episode. Her father is being a jerk. What's your problem?"

"My mate is dead forever more, high fructose corn syrup that humans keep eating is ruining my diet, and I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread. Also, I have to get the newborn army that I've built to Forks."

"Fine. You win on woe. You're late, by the way. Marcus is not amused."

"Do you know how hard it is to get that many newborns to agree to move? Lord, they are a pain in the ass. I had to take them to a ferry to eat because they couldn't agree on a meal."

"Your childcare difficulties, while interesting, are not my problem."

"Can you tell that Marcus guy that I'll get there as soon as I can? I don't want him to think I'm standing him up on purpose."

"Too late for that. But yes, I will pass that on. Midnight tonight. You know where."

"Hey, before you go, your mate needs to stop hanging around those dogs. She nearly died when she jumped."

I winced. Being chided about the proper care of my beloved by my crazy enemy. It was too much. Oh, the indignity. "And you would have cared because?"

"Because she would have died without my assistance. I like being helpful, you know. Besides, it can't be fun having her hang around those assholes. They stink. You should kill them for that alone."

"Unfortunately, I can't. Believe me, I'd love to. You have no idea how much they irritate me."

"So why not just kill them?"

"Bella likes them."

"Sucks to be you," Victoria snickered.

"On that criteria alone, we definitely agree."

I wondered if I could persuade her to kill Jacob? No, it would be more fun if I made him do the suffering and he lived instead. I could be munificent – in inflicting appropriate punishment. Jacob really had his coming to him. For interfering with my proposal, for trying to derail my relationship with Bella, and for having the gall to pry about her personal affairs. The first one alone was enough for him to die by the average indignant vampire's standards. Compared to my human blood-drinking brethren, I had the patience of Job with that dog.

Victoria cooed, "Well, hot stuff, it's been fun catching up. I look forward to ripping your head off tonight."

"Stop, you evil woman. You're arousing the venom lust in me. I promise to dismember you later." I hung up the phone and ignored her four subsequent phone calls. Sometimes it was best to leave them wanting for more. Women liked that. So I'm told. The magazine _Men's Health_ said so.

I knocked on Bella's door promptly at seven. A harried-appearing Charlie said when he answered it, "Now is not a good time, Edward."

Reading his mind could be likened to chasing a greased pig. I leaped within to figure out what was the matter. Oh. Lovely. Damn the police and their efficiency.

"Is that Edward?" Bella had been crying. I could smell her tears from the doorway.

I glared at Charlie as if he were an unfeeling beast. Moving just under vampire speed, I stepped around him, and walked right into the house. Chief Swan ground his teeth but did not have the gall to throw me out. I found Bella sitting on the floor in the living room rocking herself. I sat down beside her.

"What is wrong?"

"Mom and Phil are dead." She collapsed into my arms and proceeded to sob.

I stroked her hair. "Oh, I am so sorry for your loss." She was cold, so I took the afghan from the sofa and wrapped it around her. She cried like her world had ended. I hated to see her so distressed.

Charlie looked at me like, _"You got this?" _I nodded. He went to his room and shut the door. The man might be a jerk, but he had loved his nitwit of an ex-wife and he deserved to quietly mourn her in his own way. I heard him pull out his cell phone and call someone to get more details about the deaths.

We couldn't really talk down here. I suggested, "Why don't we go upstairs?" Bella nodded and kept crying. I lifted her and carried her into her bedroom and shut the door. She clung to me when I put her on her bed. It took her an hour to calm down before she fell into an uneasy slumber.

The chirping of her cell phone woke her two hours later. Bella rubbed at her eyes, saw she had a text from Jacob that said, "Wazzup?" I needed to add abuse of the English language to his list of crimes. Bella typed, "Mom is dead. Can't talk. With Edward." She turned off her phone.

"When are the funerals?" I asked Bella.

"Dad and I have to arrange them. I don't know what to do. Mom didn't make any plans."

"I'll help, Bella. You don't have to handle this alone."

"I knew she'd die one day. I just didn't think so soon." Guiltily, she whispered, "I've been avoided her calls for months."

"Your mother knew you loved her, Bella."

"Doesn't really matter now, does it?" She wiped at her eyes.

"Do you know how she and Phil died?"

"Dad got a call from the police in Florida. I know they were murdered and hacked to pieces. If I had to guess, I'd say Victoria just sent a message."

"Well, have I got news for you."

"What?"

"Marcus has convened a trial. Victoria is going to have to answer for her crimes tonight."

"She's coming here?"

"She is."

Bella crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm going."

I gulped and lied through my teeth. "Fine with me."

Three hours later, Charlie's snores rumbled away in his bedroom. I carried Bella from her room to the clearing. Running through the forest, the wind in my face, my woman in my arms, it almost felt like old times. She slid down my back to the grass and stood beside my siblings. I took my place slightly in front of her in case things got out of control.

Marcus said, "Bella, so glad you could join us. I am sorry to hear about your mother and stepfather. Rest assured that Victoria will have to answer for her crimes."

Bella peered round my shoulder. "Thank you."

Emmett said, "What the heck is that racket?"

"That would be the newborns and Victoria. Awfully tough trying to be quiet when you travel," Jasper answered.

And lo, through yonder clearing the evil army hove in sight led by a woman who desperately needed a makeover. Those curls were so 17th century. She wore so much leather, she could have been mistaken for a cow. A skinny one. But still.

Victoria smirked when she took note of our numbers, "It seems we have you at a disadvantage. Now why did you call me here?" She brushed her fingernails against her chest as if bored.

Marcus said, "You have been accused of violating our laws. You have hunted with impunity in Seattle and have been rather sloppy in creating a newborn army. You know that is forbidden since the Southern Wars upon pain of death."

Victoria sniffed, "Who might you be?"

"My apologies. I am Marcus of the Volturi. I get to decide what to do with you and your army."

"Says who?" Victoria crossed her arms.

"Me. Be silent unless you are spoken to. You have been accused of serious violations of our laws."

"No one ever told _me_ that I couldn't make an army. My maker said I had to clean up after my newborns, which I have. This is my coven. I can bite as many as I want." She left off the "so there" but her tone conveyed it regardless.

"Did you or did you not take the lives of Renée and Phil Dwyer, of Florida?"

Victoria giggled, "Oh I definitely did," She grinned at Bella, "Your mother was delicious. I can see that the scent runs in the family. You have such a good taste." She then had the gall to rub her stomach and lick her rubbery lips.

Bella launched herself at the shrew using rather colorful language about witches and, ahem, dead truckers. I restrained her with both arms. "Bella, let Marcus handle this. I know it is hard but don't let her goad you."

Victoria said to Marcus, "If you are supposed to represent Justice, then I demand you do something about this coven."

"What have they done that violates the law?"

"Well they associate with _humans._"

"Bella is going to be turned. They have made their intentions known to us. No crime has been committed."

"They killed my mate."

"He attempted to feed and kill Edward's mate, and made an awful mess in Phoenix. His death was deserved."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"I deserve justice! I want my mate back!"

"I would give everything to have my mate back. Do you see me pitching a fit and whining?"

That caught her off guard. "Um, no. You seem the sulking type to me."

"True. But I'm not making impossible demands. Jane?"

The petite - and might I add – vicious - vampire stepped forward and used her gift. The newborns fell to the ground and began tearing at themselves, writhing in agony under the force of her power. Then Alec got involved, immobilizing them.

"Hey, that's not fair! I need them. Don't do any permanent damage to the merchandise!"

"Don't tell me what to do," Marcus instructed. "You have bigger problems right now than their welfare."

"I do?"

"You most definitely do." Marcus asked us, "Which one of you killed her mate?"

Jasper stepped forward and said, "I landed the killing blow."

"Fight her."

"What?" Victoria shrieked.

"You wanted justice. If you can kill Jasper, I'll let you go free. Evil overlord's honor."

He made the Boy Scout salute. I kid you not. Perhaps I might have gawped. Jasper didn't so much as raise an eyebrow. Bella gawped before arranging her features into a calculating demeanor.

"That is so freaking cool!" Emmett stared at Marcus in awe. Alice began using her gift to predict the outcome. I stopped watching her mind when the fight started. I had faith in my brother.

Jasper turned to my mate, "Bella, is this okay with you?"

"I want her head," my beloved said. Victoria seemed to be perturbed by that request.

"Coming right up." Jasper grinned maliciously. It was not a pretty sight.

Victoria pounced. Well, she _attempted_ to pounce. She had the screaming-like-a-banshee bit down pat. Alas, Jasper was not standing where she landed, causing her to tumble to the ground and smash a rotting log covered with fungus, mold, and verdant moss. Lots of moss. Victoria now resembled Renee's head: stamped with green all over her face and arms. She spat out a mouth full of lichen, kicked at the remains of the shattered wood, and ran straight for Jasper.

He stepped out of her path at the last moment and backhanded her, sending her sailing into the trees where she landed, face first. Her nose was almost torn off. Ew.

Jasper yawned. "This is going to be too easy. You have to try harder than that, and stop telegraphing your moves."

Growling, Victoria shrieked a rather impressive battle cry and managed to land on Jasper. He threw her off with ease.

"At this rate, I'm more likely to expire from boredom. Who taught you how to fight? Your mate?"

"Yes. He did a good job."

"Not really. I killed him in thirty seconds. Have you ever taken the life of an immortal?"

"Well, no. But how hard can it be?" Victoria sounded so earnest. "You just chomp them like stringy humans."

"First, you have to catch them, my dear. You can't seem to do that."

Jasper grabbed Victoria around the chest, and nibbled at her shoulder. Her arm fell to the ground.

Victoria screamed, "That hurt! I need that. Give it back, you bastard!"

Jasper tossed it to Alec and said, "Burn it."

Cheerfully, Alec tossed it in the fire he had built.

"Oops. No more arm for you. Better fight harder," Alec chortled.

Marcus came around behind Victoria and said, "Stop leaning to the left. It puts you off balance. Keep your feet a shoulder width apart. That's better."

Bella wondered in confusion, "He's helping her?"

I whispered, "It's the sporting thing to do. No one can argue that she didn't have justice."

Jasper took off the other arm and tossed it to me, "Let your mate burn that one."

"Can you handle this?"

"Give it to me." Bella threw it so that it landed in the center of the bonfire. Victoria howled.

Victoria's eyes widened as Jasper decided to stop playing and finished dismembering her. Bella watched without saying a word.

When he was finished, Jasper said, "Bella come here."

I walked with her because there was no way I was letting her near my brother when his battle lust was roaring.

Jasper said, "I give you the honor of disposing of her."

"Thank you. Don't mind if I do."

Bella threw the left leg like a baseball bat. She swung it into the air and let go, sending it into the flames. "That is for my stepfather." The head, mouthing obscenities, Bella saved for last. She picked it up by the hair, and slapped Victoria's cheek. Tossing the head up in the air, she spiked it like a volleyball into the bonfire. "That was for my Mom." And that was the end of Victoria the stark-raving-bonkers shrew.

That left the rest of the newborns writhing under Alec's power.

Jane said, "We need to kill them."

Father pleaded, "Shouldn't we see if any of them are worth saving?"

Marcus asked, "Do you have time to deal with twenty newborns?"

Father's face fell. "Well, no."

"Neither do I." Marcus said, "Aro, I have a job for you."

"Yes, brother dearest?"

"I want you to meet with these newborns and see who has potential and who does not. You are to train those that do. Those that do not, let's send to our friends in Los Alamos to train."

"Of course, brother." Aro all but skipped up to the crowd of frightened newborns. "Alec, release them for a moment." Once they were no longer under Alec's control, Aro chirped, "My name is Aro. I will be talking with each one of you. We are going to have a wonderful time. Let's start with you." He pointed at one drooling girl who couldn't be older than sixteen. The safety pins through her nose definitely were off-putting. I predicted he'd destroy her on that basis alone.

She ripped off her shirt and screamed, "I'm hungry! Food! Now!"

"My what an interesting location for safety pins," Aro breathed. Ew. Never mind.

Marcus said, "Our work here is done. We're going back to the house."

Herding the newborns like cattle, the Volturi guard chased them out of the meadow. They ran in a fluttering of dark cloaks. I had no idea how they made it look graceful, but they did, and it was impressive. Now I had cloak envy. And I wondered just what they were going to do with the newborns around our house. Maybe I should let them redecorate Rosalie's room. With safety pins.

The wolves came bounding into the clearing. Jacob phased, ducked behind a tree and came out in his stripper uniform which seemed to have shrunk. He had recently been to the tanning salon and was extra orange with his spray-on tan.

"There you are, Bella. I'm so sorry to tell you this, but Edward worships Satan and has bound our souls to him."

Rosalie started laughing. "Oh my God, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! What are you smoking?"

Bella sighed. "Jake, what are you talking about?"

"I saw him do a black mass last night. He killed a bunch of gophers and dedicated our souls to Satan. He wears a pentagram around his neck!" Jacob stabbed his index finger in my direction. "Look if you don't believe me."

I opened my shirt so Bella could stare at my chest. Which was a much better example of proper musculature than that Neanderthal.

"I don't see any necklace, Jacob." The other wolves howled. "Nor do I see any mark of Satan."

The mongrel sounded so earnest as he whined, "I swear I'm not lying! You really need to stay away from him. What if the whole family is into that shit?"

"Jake, my mom and Phil are dead. I don't have time to deal with this."

I wrapped my arms around my dear little ferocious one as she said, "I want to go to bed."

Jacob's eyes bugged out as his mind went straight to the gutter.

I said, "But of course you do. Good night, everyone." What? I was irresistible. I couldn't help it. I lifted her into my arms, kissed her tenderly, and carried her off into the night.

Victory tasted so sweet.

**Edward hasn't even started with Jacob. Please review! It inspires snark.**

**Quick AN: Charlie hasn't figured out that the box Jacob had really was Renée. Yes, he's that dumb. **


	7. Chapter 7

*****This story contains reference to violence, snark, more snark, vulgarity, and sexual content. Sick and depraved sexual content. You have been warned.*****

**Thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta-ing. Thanks to pomme_de_terre for pre-reading.**

**Feel free to follow me on Twitter at BookishQua. I'm harmless. Really. *blinks***

**Had some drama with my computer this week, so I'm behind on review replies but will answer them in the next few days. Promise. Evil Author's Honor. But I wanted to thank everyone for their hilarious reviews, tweets, and PM's. You all make my day. **

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

Songs for this chapter:

I Ran by A Flock of Seagulls

Who Can It Be Now - Men at Work

Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

**Snarky Summary: The animals decide to pay Jacob their most insincere regards. He gets skunked a time or nine when he creeps around Bella's school planning on leaving Renée's head where the Cullens and Bella would have to find it and be mortified and/or traumatized in the process. Edward's not having that. Jacob gets found by Charlie red-headed. I mean red-handed and lies that he has a model of a head he made for Bella. Charlie tells him to go home and get a shower and not to bother his daughter with the head. The other one. Thanks. Rosalie gets a special delivery at school and is left all sex-toyed up and mortified. Someone sent her low-cost sex toys. The nerve! And now the principal wants to chat with her about her shopping escapades. Oh, the humiliation that Edward still plans on sending her way. For brotherly purposes, of course. Sam accuses Edward of messing with the minds of the wolf pack. Apparently the poor lads are convinced that Edward has harnessed their spirit and chained their souls to Satan through the alleged sacrifice of animals that are now Edward's familiars. Edward is all kinds of entertained by this. Victoria calls Edward to whine that feeding a horde of newborns is tough work. Oh, and she's running late for that meeting with that Marcus guy. They commiserate about the wolves, and Victoria offers Edward some helpful advice. What? She has opinions. *sniffs* It's the right thing for a frenemy to do. Bella gets the news - thanks to the police in Florida - that her mother and stepfather have gone off to their eternal reward. Edward find this all sorts of inconvenient. Victoria shows up with her newborns demanding justice. Jasper definitely gives it to her. Jasper 1, Victoria 0. Jake rats Edward out to Bella for worshipping Satan. Bella tells Jake that she's not believing that. Edward carries his not-quite-fiancée off, smug in the knowledge that he has of course, won the girl. And so we begin.**

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><p><strong>The Stench Wars Chapter Seven - Fortunate Son<strong>

The sweet taste of victory turned into ash as soon as we were out of hearing range of the other immortals. Bella leaned her head against my shoulder and broke down in tears. It did not take a genius –though I was one– to figure out that she was distressed about Victoria's demise, and the murders of Renée and Phil. I felt helpless in the wake of all this emotion. I hated to see her weep. It upset my digestion. Made me cranky, too.

I ran as quickly as I could back to her house and climbed into her room. Charlie, as Alice had predicted, slept soundly **–**helped out by Jack Daniels and a chaser of regret. I searched among the bottles of medication that Carlisle had prescribed before I found the right one. Handing her a glass and two tablets, I said, "Here, you definitely need this tonight. It's for anxiety."

Without complaint, she swallowed the medication, and pulled off her damp shoes.

Bella then proceeded to turn her back to me and change into her pajamas. Not that I'm complaining, Bella was not exactly hard on the eyes, but she had never been that immodest before. I could see how much weight she had lost because I'm a guy and of course I looked. She was mine, after all. Bella just didn't know it yet.

Prudence dictated that I pretend that she ripped her clothing off in front of me on a daily basis –which was a fantasy I planned on entertaining at great length in the shower when I got home. Don't judge. After being around Bella for the past year, my middle name should be Blue-Balled Wonder.

Bella wadded her clothes up and tossed them into a heap on her desk. She crawled onto her bed. She had been quietly crying all this time. I was a deviant for having such lurid thoughts when she was so bereaved.

My dear little wet one wiped at her eyes and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I thought I'd feel better when Victoria was dead. Why don't I?"

"Bella, your mother died. I don't think there's an instant cure for that." Alas. "You need to give yourself time to grieve." Alack. Just not so much that it cut into our impending wedding. I had needs. Matrimonial ones.

"Was it this bad for you when you lost your parents?"

Thinking on that part of my life hurt. Unlike Bella, I had been close to my parents - who were wonderful people. "Yes."

"Gosh, I just saw the look on your face. I'm a jerk. I'm sorry, Edward. You lost both parents and woke up a vampire. I'm being insensitive."

"Bella, pain is pain. There's no rule that says mine is worse than yours. You loved your mother. She's gone and, even worse, died a horrible death at Victoria's hand. That's pretty awful in my book."

She sniffed, "Is it _bad_ that I can barely feel anything about Phil?"

"You did not know him very long."

"True."

"So I think that makes you normal. Of course your Mother's death should hit you harder. Stop being so hard on yourself." I sat beside her, slipped off my shoes and pulled her into my arms.

"I wish you could have met her."

"I did meet her. You were in the hospital at the time." The other meeting wasn't worth mentioning, seeing as I only met her head.

"But you didn't get to spend much time with her."

That, thank the Sweet Lord, was true. Renée had spent three hours trying to convince me, Carlisle, and Bella's exasperated doctors that her daughter would benefit from treatments of acupuncture. And she insisted that her severely injured daughter's bed be moved to the other side of the hospital room in a fit of Feng Shui to cleanse the energy in the aforementioned room. In her own peculiar way, however, I did not doubt that she loved her daughter.

"Will you sing me to sleep?"

"Of course." So I did. It took her twice as long to fall asleep. Once she did, Bella sank into a restless slumber punctuated by bouts of somniloquy and nightmares. She may have gone onto her eternal reward, but Victoria still stalked my beloved at night. Some things even death failed to change. Which seemed completely unfair. I mean, really, my late frenemy Victoria was dead forever and ever, amen. Couldn't we get a break from her on this plane as well? And since she had killed off Bella's stepfather and mother, that meant that my parents needed to come up with a gift other than plane tickets that we could not tastefully use.

My brothers and sisters were all outside keeping watch over the Swan house. This did not stop us from being pestered, however.

From her position lurking underneath the tree outside of Bella's room, Alice said, "I see all of our futures vanishing in about five minutes. I suppose that means the stenchshifters are on their way. Gosh, Edward, that nickname you gave them is so appropriate."

Piling blankets over Bella, I quickly joined my family outside her house. I wouldn't want the wolves coming up with untoward thoughts. Since my return they had not gone around Bella's house, so they had no idea that I spent my nights in her room. I could hear Seth approaching.

I told my siblings, "It's just Seth Clearwater. He's alone."

Emmett asked, "What does he want?"

"Assurances that I didn't really link his soul to Satan."

My siblings chortled. Jasper and Emmett high-fived each other.

"God, Edward, that is so sick. Really, you need to put him out of his misery. He's the only one that I like," Alice cajoled. I really needed to find a way to use Seth Clearwater.

We were relatively calm by the time he burst into sight.

Jasper acted the picture of laconic cool, leaning against the Police cruiser with his arms crossed. "Yes?" he asked.

"Um, we wanted to know your intentions about the funeral."

"We're having one. What else?" Jasper retorted.

Seth looked like he was worried that we were going to feast upon Renée's remains.

Listening to his thoughts revealed that he hated being the youngest. He thought that "sucked big time." He especially detested that the others always gave him the jobs that no one else wanted. Like now. Why couldn't he talk to that Emmett guy? He always seemed to be in a good mood. He seemed way more reasonable than the vampire with the freaky marks on his face. My brother would get a kick out of learning that his venom scars scared the beJesus out of a wolf.

Seth shifted from foot to foot. "Yeah, um, we wanted to give you Renée's head so it could be properly buried. I'm really sorry for your loss." He extended the box. Three dead daisies hurled themselves to the ground when the lid shifted. The odor from within made us all back up.

I had to hand it to Jasper, he sure knew how to lie, not to mention how to pretend to be unaffected.

He used his gift to make Seth nervous and bellowed, "What the hell are you doing with her _head_?"

"I didn't do it!" Seth exclaimed. "I swear to God! They just gave it to me. Someone left it on our land."

"Probably Victoria," I sniffed indignantly. "That seems like something that she would do."

Seth scratched his head, "Yeah, it's messed up and all. But I don't get why she'd give it to us."

"Because it would force you all to see us – to put us all at the same place at the same time, so she could attack us," I told that whopper with a straight face. Well, that scenario sounded reasonable. It was better than saying, "She wouldn't. I totally snuck onto your land and had the animals help me leave that because I'm too much of a chicken shit to give it to Bella. Besides, the scariest vampire in the world, Marcus, made me do it. Don't piss him off."

Emmett said, "Thanks for bringing this to us, Seth. It was nice of you to take care of Bella's mother."

Seth backed away from the box and said, "No problem, Emmett. Gotta go – see ya!" He sprinted away.

Jasper picked up the box, "We really need to take care of this. It really stinks now. Got any bright ideas?"

I asked Alice, "If we left it in Chief Swan's office, would that work?"

She used her gift to scry into the future. "I believe so. He'll have the head quietly cremated. And he won't tell Bella."

Emmett took the box from Jasper and said, "Rosie. We have a special delivery to make."

I said to my brother. "I think Chief Swan has been drinking whiskey lately."

"I'll be sure to leave the head with a bottle of Jack Daniels by it."

Off Rosalie and Emmett went to spread the stench of that box to one last building in the veritable metropolis of Forks. Thank goodness that had been taken care of. I couldn't have my dear little slumbering one distressed over matters like this. We had a wedding to plan. She needed to be done grieving as soon as humanly possible. Two months seemed about right. We were madly in love, after all. It's not like anyone around here knew her scatterbrained mother. And Bella had seemed to forget her awfully easy enough while we had been away. I had to hope that would kick in again. Human minds were protective of themselves like that.

Because I like to be thorough, I kept an eye on Charlie through Emmett and Rose's thoughts. They broke in to the Police station and left Renée's head in Charlie's worn leather chair along with a bottle of Black Label Jack Daniels. The good stuff. A bottle of Macallan would be wasted on the cretin.

Emmett texted me, "He's on his way," from his position hiding in the shrubbery outside of the station. I watched through his eyes as Charlie walked into his office, sniffed in revulsion, and shrieked when he found the box and took a good third look at it. Moments later, the entire station crowded around.

Chief Swan he picked up the phone and called Jacob, "What the hell are you doing leaving that model in my office? I told you to get rid of it! Now my office stinks!"

"Um, that's not a model, Charlie. It really is Renée."

Charlie turned grey, swallowed, and barked, "So would you care to explain what you are doing with the _head_ of my ex-wife?"

"Someone left it on the reservation. I have no idea who."

"Then why were you found with it outside of Bella's school?"

"I was going there to bring it to her."

"Are you nuts? That's messed up, Jake. You should have given it to me. Get over here. You're going to take me to where you found it because that's now a crime scene."

Charles Swan was too stupid to think that Jake murdered Renée. What a pity. I could have rid myself of that imbecile in one fell swoop. Bella would certainly not want to have friendly relations with the troll if she thought he had something to do with her mother's passing.

A careful study of the crime scene left everyone bewildered. There were no telltale footprints or traces of human DNA left lying about - just traces of scat from something gopher and raccoon and some huge breed of unknown dog. Charlie couldn't even figure out how the box had been brought to the stump in the first place. I mean _really_, couldn't he guess that the animals had done it? It wasn't _that_ hard of a stretch. Humans. Dim-witted every last one of them. Except for mine.

Three days later, we gathered – wearing uncomfortable suits and ties– to pay our disrespects to Bella's late mother and stepfather. Renée hadn't possessed a religious bone in her body, so Charlie had her remains cremated and planned on having her ashes scattered over her mother's grave because he was clearly too lazy to scatter them at sea or in a dawn kissed meadow while doves cooed or something flighty like that. Couldn't he send the ashes to Nepal to be scattered on a holy mountain? I mean really. Renée deserved better.

I approached the cemetery at Bella's side, girding my loins for suffering on behalf of my dearly beloved. I could endure an empty ceremony celebrating the poor woman's life. She had given birth to my soon-to-be-wife, after all. That definitely counted for something. When I saw the pack, I made sure to put my hand at Bella's waist. She could fall. It was the only polite way I could mark her as mine, seeing as she wouldn't yet accept my ring, hickies could lead to chomping and turning, and urinating on her was not physiologically possible. Or polite in mixed company. I pondered the merits of drooling venom on her. From my mouth, degenerates. After we were legally wed, there would be plenty of time for me to drool venom on her - never mind.

Jacob and the Stenchettes filed in wearing suits a size too small. What was it with these young men and tight clothing? They could go sterile, their trousers were so tight. I expected one of them to tear away his pants at any minute and start gyrating on a grave with Rod Stewart playing in the background and dry ice blowing around his feet. I looked up at the trees to see if one of them had a mirrored disco ball twirling from a branch.

Everyone stopped while Chief Swan read some of Renée's favorite poems. One of them was, I swear to God, by Dr. Seuss. Something about green eggs. When the last stanza had been read, Chief Swan slowly poured her remains out on her mother's grave.

"She's with her family now, at peace." he said. "Thank you all for coming."

True to form, once the ceremony ended Jacob wormed his way through the crowd. Reading his mind made me grit my teeth. _"Aw man, Bella looks so hot in that little black dress. Damn, that ass! I can't wait to have those legs wrapped around my waist. I definitely want her wearing that shade of lipstick when she sucks me off the fourth time."_ He flashed his dimples and smirked at me.

Fourth time? Someone had delusions of grandeur - Mr. Too-inept-to-properly-masturbate, two-second wonder.

Jacob continued his mental torture. _"That's right, asshole. Your days in Bella's life are numbered. Watch and learn, leech-boy."_ Aloud he held out his arms and said, "How's my best friend doing?"

_Best friend? _What a lying troll. Best friends don't stare at each other's posteriors like that. Not counting all the "Do I look fat in this dress?" conversations I had heard from women.

Bella stepped into his arms and said, "Pretty sucky." It took all my fortitude not to yank her away from him on the spot.

Jacob's mind went straight to the gutter. He held onto Bella entirely too long, to the point where people started staring and Bella stiffened in his arms, and I was going to have to find a tactful way to have her shower as he had contaminated her marvelous, delectable scent with his foul odor.

Jasper sensed my emotions and did his best to calm me.

"_Too bad she stinks like that leech,"_ Jacob thought.

The rubber-lipped Romeo tried to make his awkward embrace appear natural by saying, "If there's anything I can do at all, you just need to ask. I'm here for you."

"Um, thanks, Jake. Can you let me go?"

"You've pawed her long enough. Step away from her before I throw you." I said at vampire pitch to the dog.

"Make me, fucker," he whispered at the same frequency through smiling teeth as he crooned to Bella, "That's what best friends are for."

"Air, Jake. Need it now." Bella said.

He was so dead. Not right now. But a miscreant immortal could dream.

I whistled under my breath. Ten skunks came out of the forest and waved their tails at Jacob. He backed away from Bella like she was radioactive. Jasper might have added in a dash of dread.

Jacob whined at wolf pitch to me, "You wouldn't dare, asshole."

Emmett cracked his knuckles and said at vampire pitch, "Did you not get a clear lesson last week? Edward, I think he needs a do-over."

Jacob paled and screeched at supernatural pitch, "You'd do that at a funeral? You ass!"

I answered back at a volume Bella could not hear. "Excellent choice of words, but I think skunk smells worse than an anal orifice. And I _would _dare. Try me. As you've learned first hand, they have excellent aim." I straighted my tie and stroked the back of Bella's head. "Fortune favors the bold." He didn't see the skunks that jumped into the open window of his car - thanks to Aro's quick thinking - and unleashed aromatic hell - I called them my dirty dozen. But Jacob caught the scent on the breeze and stiffened.

Jacob huffed at wolf pitch, "Why are you letting the animals do your dirty work?" Jacob was amusing in ways he could never imagine.

"I'm not_ letting _them. They actually have a grudge against the wolves."

"What did we ever do to them?"

"From what I understand, one of you _ate_ a friend of theirs. His name was Pete. He was a gopher."

Seth watched our exchange and nudged Sam. At wolf pitch he said, "You need to tell Jake to chill. Bella's really suffering and she doesn't deserve to have her mind screwed with."

I wanted to say, "Yeah. What he said." But that would have been rude.

Sam said aloud. "Bella, my condolences. Jake, we need to get going. Get your hands off of her."

Ignoring his leader, Jacob clapped an arm around Bella's shoulder. I stood behind her. It almost looked like we were about ready to get into a tug of war over her. He was so much taller than she that Bella sagged under his weight. I glared at his arm, sending the, "If you don't remove your digits from my woman, you will lose them," message convincingly.

Jake put on a benign demeanor and said out loud to me. "What? I'm just here chilling with my best friend. She needs me." He looked at me and winked and attempted to pull her closer. My arms at her waist stopped that.

Bella looked from him to me and said, "That's enough, guys."

Jake got a gleam in his eye and lowered his voice. "I'm really sorry about your Mom's head."

Oh he did _not_ go there. I gawped and jerked her behind me. My family tensed for a fight.

Carlisle said at vampire pitch, "He just crossed a line and hurt a member of my family. He leaves now walking or in pieces. It's your choice."

Jacob acted frightened when he saw father's fury.

Sam looked about ready to explode. I feared if it were physiologically possible Alice would have had a stroke.

Rosalie hissed, "You better get out of here, you asshat. You've done enough." Now _that _was noteworthy. If my shrewish sister was taking Bella's side in public, it was the end of the world. Even Bella acted startled. My parents beamed at Rosalie for a moment in pride. Which was probably why she had acted in the first place. I'd worry about tormenting her later. Bella was my first priority. Too bad I couldn't murder Jake there and now.

Bella stared at him in confusion. "What did you say?"

Despite the looks of death everyone gave him, Jake kept talking - which proved to me that he was, indeed, too stupid to live. Even I wouldn't have done that in the face of Carlisle's wrath.

Jake said, "It was left on the reservation in a box. I tried to bring it to you at school but ran into some trouble with some skunks."

Bella slumped against me, covered her mouth and managed to maintain her composure. I kept my arm around her waist.

"Victoria left her _head_?" she asked. "Just her head?"

"Yeah, it was really gross. Oh, before I forget," he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a crumpled poesy of wilted poppies. "These are for you. I liked the symbolism of them."

"They stand for eternal death," I snapped.

Jake grinned like the carpetbagger that he was, "Oh. I thought they meant the girl was hot. My bad. Anyway, you look good with that red petal against your skin."

Bella looked from my family to the wolves and quickly figured out by the stiffening of her shoulders, I presumed, that something was going on - she just didn't know precisely what. I kissed the top of her head. Jacob fake-gagged at wolf speed.

I barked at Sam at vampire pitch, "You have ten seconds to get him out of here before I show you all what Satan can do." Aro had been standing by the family car, not wanting to intrude. He waved his fingertips at the pack. Gus the gopher poked his head out from the bush behind me, stared at the wolves and shook a claw at them. They jumped when they saw him and blanched.

Gus took the opportunity to punt a rock which hit Jacob right between the eyes, drawing blood. Fortunately, the wolves had no idea that we found their blood equally as repugnant as we did their stench - that they could safely be the last animals standing on the planet before any self-respecting vampire with taste would ever pester them for a pint or two.

"Aw man, that fucking hurt!" Jacob blurted and rubbed at his forehead, smearing blood all around. He turned many a head as the mourners looked at us.

"Watch your language." Carlisle admonished at vampire pitch. "You have four seconds by my count to leave, especially now that you're bloody. Accidents happen."

Paul grabbed a cross around his neck, pointed at Gus, and muttered, "That's his familiar. We are so fucked. He's doing blood magic! Jesus help me! Jake, if you don't shut up, I'll kill you myself!"

Now that would be entertaining. I was tempted for a moment to get Jacob to keep talking. But alas, Bella was traumatized enough.

Paul forgot to say that at wolf pitch and the other Quileute youths glared at him. Bella blinked at him as if he were drunk.

Sam grabbed Jacob by the scruff of the neck. "Bella, I'm sorry Jake has no tact. You have my sympathies. Ignore Paul. He had too much to drink last night." To Jake he said, "When I give you an order, you obey it, you twerp. We need to leave." Sam used an alpha tone at wolf pitch.

Jake batted his eyes at my beloved who now had tears running down her face. "Sorry Bella, duty calls. Fortune favors the bold and all."

That man just made my fiancée weep, insulted my coven, and even plagiarized my speech. Who did that? What an unoriginal mental midget. I was going to get rid of him as soon as possible. Consider me duly inspired with the muses singing in my ear.

Alice said miserably, "I'm sorry I didn't see that," at the same time as I implored, "Bella, I am so sorry," I breathed against her hair.

"He meant well. It's not your fault, Edward."

As they walked through the crowd, I heard Seth mentally go all gooey-eyed at a young junior that gave him quite improper-for-a-memorial-service lusty glances.

"_Jeez, that girl is hot! Oh Christ she just slipped me her number! What the hell do I do? Look cool. Act like this happens every day. Jeez, my hands are sweating. Smile, idiot, you could get sex out of this and no longer be a virgin. Crap! What do I do if she wants to go all the way? Dad never talks about shit like this. Jake said girls were all into Tiramisu these days. I'm gonna have to wiki that shit to found out what sexual position that is."_ Seth's internal rant was entertaining. Ah, to be that young and stupid. Not that I was either.

My poor mate looked shell-shocked – although only to someone who knew her well. Bella got swept away greeting the rest of the mourners. Charlie was giving me odd looks so I went to him and asked, "Was there something you needed, Chief Swan?"

"I have some law enforcement friends that are dropping by my place to fill me in on the murders. I don't think Bella should be there for it. This stuff would give her more nightmares than she already has."

And because I could go there I said, "Jacob told her some story about Renée's head in a box. Is that true?"

Charlie looked like the steam engine on the cartoons that Emmett loved watching about ready to explode.

"He did what!"

I wrinkled my nose, not bothering to hide my disgust. "Yes, sir. He complained that he tried to deliver it to her at _school _yesterday."

Charlie began flexing his fingers. I could read his thoughts enough to know he was imagining Jake's neck being twisted between them. "I'm going to have to have a talk with him."

Satisfied that my campaign against Jacob had only just begun, I said. "Bella's really upset. I think she might need to take her anxiety medication." Low blow, considering I was the reason she was on it in the first place. But if I could make Charlie connect Jake to that, well, that would only help me. Bella, too. Of course. Everything I did was for her welfare. And satisfying my male supremacy issues over dogs, of course, but never mind.

"Get her out of here for a while, please."

Aware that Charlie doled out alone time with Bella with the generosity of a miser, I said, "What time do you need her back, Chief Swan?"

He hemmed and hawed. "It could run late. I don't know."

"How about I have Alice invite her for a sleepover? Alice will insist on making her over, painting her nails, doing all that girl torture." The thing about Alice is that every word I said was true. Even Charlie accepted that there would be no hanky panky on Alice's watch. My sister really was the fingernail-polish-wielding cockblocker extraordinaire.

Charlie pulled his daughter from a gaggle of octogenarians that were part of a club that attended local funerals and said, "Folks are going to come over to the house afterwards and they're old friends that you don't know. Why don't you hang out with the Cullens for the weekend?"

"Are you sure? I don't want to leave you alone."

"Bells, I'll be fine. Get out of here." He kissed her forehead.

I said to Bella, "I have the afternoon already planned."

"What is on the agenda?" She slipped her arm through mine.

I almost said, "Vengeance," and instead managed to grind out, "How about a picnic?"

I wanted to murder Jacob, and my family were considering drawing straws to see who got to dispose of the body. That wretch was manipulating my poor fiancée in her time of need. Which was wrong.

"That would be really nice, Edward. Thanks for thinking of it. Can we go somewhere in the Olympic National Park?" I led her out of the garden of death and opened the car door for her as a gentleman should.

A quarter of a mile away, Jake and his friends were trying to squash themselves into his car, whining at a pitch only I could hear about the stench of skunks. Pity. That. I sent a message to a little bird on a nearby tree. He happily spread the word. I wanted Jacob's car pelted with excrement the entire ride home. The local birds seemed to find that challenge vastly amusing. I recalled from Jacob's last run-in with me that he was terrified of Alfred Hitchcock's movie, _The Birds_.

Speaking of skunks, I needed to teach Jacob Black a lesson and get him out of Bella's life. But this would require tact, diplomacy, and careful planning. Bella seemed to think that I was too controlling regarding her welfare. Which was ridiculous. I needed to stop by the grocery store because mother hadn't bought organic cold cuts. Only the best would do for Bella. And we should add in smoked salmon for the anti oxidants.

I led my beloved off to ply her with food and sonnets. By the time I was done with her, Jacob Black would be a bad memory. Using my gift to check on the progress of the wolves driving home proved challenging for me to maintain a straight face. The birds had called in all their friends for the fun. They were taking turns splattering every surface on the swerving car that they could reach. Jacob was yowling about how he could not understand how I could control the animals and begging Satan to spare him.

I drove away from the Forks cemetery with a plan taking shape in my mind. Before any of that could take place, I had to calm my beleaguered bride. Alice, thank the Lord, had seen my intention to take her for a picnic and already had a meal packed for us in the trunk of the car.

"Do you mind if I change?"

"Not at all." I remembered Charlie's concern about wanting her gone from their house.

"You have clothes at my place. It's closer."

Bella said, "I don't have anything there."

"Alice went shopping." I left out that she did so to replace the clothing that Bella had shredded while we were gone. Bella grew contemplative, like she was walking on eggshells.

"Oh."

I wanted to make her feel better. So I told her, "And I might have done a bit of that as well."

"Edward, you _hate _shopping more than I do."

"True. But I will bend those principles if your welfare is involved."

I led her up into my bedroom and shut the door. We were still alone in the house. I pulled out a box that I had packed and tucked away on a shelf out of her reach in my closet.

"This is for you." I handed it to her.

"Thank you." She opened the box. Inside were a pair of jeans that Alice had said would look fantastic on Bella after I had selected them. I liked the color. She had a pair of hiking boots, thick socks that I had stitched with her name, a Black Watch tartan plaid shirt, and a waterproof jacket.

"This is really nice, Edward. I would buy something like this for myself."

"You really like it?"

She took off her shoes and turned around and presented me with her back. "Unzip me, please?"

Oh my God, my bride was an imp of Satan. I should know. Certain parts of me decided to stand at attention and shriek. I quickly tugged at the fastening of her dress and gulped when it pooled at her feet. I did agree with Jacob on one thing only, Bella did have a fantastic rear end. Oh my stars! She brushed the ribbons of her slip off her shoulders and that too joined the pile of fabric at her feet.

"I hope you're changing." Bella said. Right. That. Needed to shed clothing. God help me.

I took off my suit jacket and undid my belt. I had my back to her as a gentleman should. My fingers tangled in my cuff links.

"Here, I'll help." Bella took my hand in hers and unfastened the left sleeve. She had her socks and jeans on and a black bra. Did I mention her cleavage was perfect? The right hand side cuff link came undone under her nimble fingers, and she started at my tie, tossing it onto the bed. I let her undo the buttons of my shirt because that was the hottest thing I'd seen in weeks.

Then I heard my family pulling into the driveway, and the slamming of car doors, as did Bella.

"Race you getting dressed?" She teased. "No using vampire speed."

"You're already mostly dressed." I gestured at her top. "Except for that. Erm. "

She smiled. "Get moving, buster."

So I did. Stripping my pants off in front of Bella's interested eyes proved challenging. This woman was going to kill me from sexual frustration. I remembered that poor woman that died at my hands and quickly calmed myself into a semblance of dignity. Once dressed, we headed for the car, waving at my family on the way out the door.

I picked up the backpack that Alice had provided with supplies, bent down so Bella could hop on my back, and ran for the Olympic National Park.

Ten miles away, I slowed down.

Bella peered around. "What are we doing?"

"Meeting a friend."

"Who?"

"I think you'll like him. Well, them."

I whistled and heard chirping in return. I led Bella to a moss-encrusted log and sat down. She took a place beside me. I reached into the pocket of my coat and retrieved a few nuts and bulbs.

Gus tentatively came out. He waved a paw at Bella.

"Bella, meet my friend, Gus. He likes bulbs. Would you like to give him one?"

"Aw, he's adorable!" Bella's face lit up. Gus did the equivalent of gopher blushing and batted his eyes at Bella. Flirt. She held out a bulb to him, and with soulful eyes, he carefully accepted the food.

"There you go, big guy," Bella said as Gus preened and nibbled at his lunch.

"And this is Douglas," I gestured at the squirrel and handed him a few almonds. Douglas took an almond in both hands and nibbled at it, tilting his head and studying Bella solemnly as he ate.

"Well, hi there, Douglas. When did you meet them?"

"Not long ago. We bonded a few days back. I never really tried to communicate with animals before and it seems like I can read their minds."

"Oh, wow, Edward."

Wow, indeed.

"Let's get you some food and have a picnic with our friends."

So we did. I don't think I'd ever forget Bella laughing as I handed her bird seed. All the birds that I owed food to showed up and behaved themselves. Bella now had a new court of animal worshipers. Really. Who knew feeding the local animals could be so much fun?

"Can we do this again?" She laughed and kissed me.

"What? The picnic? The kissing?" I leaned down and took her lips in mine again. "Or feeding the animals?"

"All three." I was overjoyed that she liked my new friends, and even better, wanted to spend more time with them.

"Of course. You have only to set the time."

"It's so gorgeous here." While I agreed with her, the beauty of the land was eclipsed by my bride. She yawned. I pulled out a blanket from our pack.

"Why don't you lay down and take a nap?"

"Only if you lie with me."

"Deal."

She curled against me, and shut her eyes. Gus and Douglas decided to lay down by her. Show offs. Bella seemed to find that entertaining.

"Can you run your fingers through my hair? I have a headache."

Taking care of her, holding her in my arms, letting her know how much I loved her; this was what really mattered. I sang her an Irish tune, and listened to her heart slow as she fell into sleep's embrace.

* * * * – * * * *

Step One of the Agenda to Rid My Love of Flea-Infested Dogs Named Jacob Black involved a conversation with Emmett while Bella was sleeping that night. I decided that Seth needed to have the mechanics of the birds and the bees explained to him by my wise elder sibling, Emmett. The poor boy would take it better from my jocular brother than he would from me; of that I felt sure.

On the way back from hunting that night, I asked Emmett, "Might I have a moment of your time?"

"Uh, sure. What's up, buddy?"

"Seth requires your wisdom."

Emmett scratched at a healing mark on his chest. "Seth Clearwater? _That_ Seth?"

"Indeed."

"With what? He barely knows me."

"Women."

Emmett's mouth made that o-shape, then he grinned evilly. "What makes you say so?"

"He's been buying pornographic magazines, and had a panic attack at the funeral when some young nubile female slipped him her phone number."

"At a funeral?"

"I know. Tramp."

"Why should I get involved, Edward?"

"As a favor to me. And anything you tell him goes to the rest of the tribe. They get to see you being fantastic and nice."

"Okay."

"And . . .Emmett, you're going to have to go over the very basics. He thinks Tiramisu is a sexual position."

Emmett laughed and said, "Oh, man, that's fucked up. Okay, Edward. I've got this handled. I'll use the charm offensive on Seth and be the best cool big brother he's ever met."

"I think alcohol is in order."

"Done."

"Perhaps some smoking, too."

"Damn, you really want him corrupted. What about porn?" Actually, I wanted his mind so chock-full of images that the wolves couldn't tell what I was doing. So I nodded, "yes" to filthy magazines that objectified women.

"Aside from you, the only person Seth could talk to would be Sam."

"Well, _that man_ definitely has a fucked up romantic life. The news about Emily has been all over town. No need to explain further. I'll sit him down and teach him the basics."

I stammered, "He appears, um. . . well . . from his thoughts." I hung my head. "Uh, um. Well."

He crossed his arms and sighed. "Spit it out."

"He seems to be worried that he would not be able to pleasure a woman. He doesn't know what signs or scents to look for and he's too mortified to ask."

"I got this, Edward. You did good telling me." I nodded. Step one in my plan to rid Bella of that scourge Jacob Black was firmly in place.

That night Emmett found Seth running in the woods and said, "My man! Care to go for a run?"

Seth got the deer-in-the-headlights expression. He was clearly awed that Emmett was paying attention to him. My brother had a way with people that I envied. He managed to convince them easily that he cared.

"So Seth, are you seeing anyone?"

"No. No offense, Emmett, but I'm not gay."

Emmett doubled over laughing and said, "Neither am I. I'm married to Rosalie."

"Oh. Damn, she's smoking hot." Seth flushed. "No offense, man."

"None taken. My Rosie _is_ hot. So are you thinking about seeing anyone?"

"Well, there's this girl."

"Yeah. Is she cute?"

"Man, I can't stop staring at her. It's embarrassing, you know?"

"So why don't you ask her out?"

"She looks at me like she wants to jump my bones, Emmett. It's freaking me out."

"Do we need to have the safe-sex-with-humans speech?"

"Naw, my parents did that. It's just . . ." Seth's voice trailed off.

"What?"

"How do I know if I've satisfied her?"

"I'm impressed that you even thought to ask that. Most guys your age don't care about that aspect. They just want to get off."

"Well, I figure if I do it right the first time, she'll want more, you know?"

"Genius. Pure genius."

Seth laughed. "I feel like a dork."

"We're going clubbing tonight."

"We are?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because humans are always jumping each other at these places."

"You aren't going to ask me to watch, are you?" Seth sounded hopeful and horrified.

"No, I'm going to teach you something else."

"What's that?"

"How to smell when a woman has been pleasured. When she orgasms, she releases a chemical into her bloodstream. I want you to be able to recognize that smell. And I'll give you some of my super-secret tips along the way."

"Dang, Emmett, you are so freaking cool."

He fist bumped Seth. "You're welcome. Let's go. Time's a-wasting. Scores of available women await you."

He took Seth out that night to the trashiest bar in Port Angeles where humans were known to engage in sordid activities. By the time Emmett was done with Seth, the puppy was drunk, and definitely could recognize the scent of a female orgasm.

When Emmett returned that night, I said, "How did it go? Your updates by text were entertaining."

"Seth's a good kid. He's sleeping off his drunken state in the guest cottage out back."

The next morning, before leaving for Bella's, I accidentally scared the hung-over Seth so badly that he phased. Outside of the house. Of course. For strategic purposes. Moral ones, too. Once he phased, his memories would go into the wolf mind. All of the pack would have access to the knowledge that Emmett had taught Seth.

I was, by far, the most generous vampire ever. Making sure the pack knew how to pleasure their women, and how to smell the chemical that indicated they had orgasmed. That made me a prince among vampires.

Step two consisted of me making a call to Marcus. He had taken quite a shine to Bella, going so far as to claim her as family to keep Aro and Caius from pestering her. I found him watching Aro train the newborns that they had decided to keep.

"No, no, you _sip_ your blood. You don't inhale it. Try it again," Aro instructed a slobbering teenager. "This is not beer to be chugged. Try some O-positive. Think of it like fine wine. Stop to smell the bouquet." The newborn promptly threw the blood on his own face and began trying to lick it off.

I decided to get Marcus' attention off of hazing Aro. "Marcus, I think Bella could use a visit from you."

"You do?"

"I do. Besides, now that you are family, we need to introduce you to her father."

"Well, Edward, call Bella and make the arrangements. I can't wait to meet my new family."

"Her father is an idiot."

"They all are. Fathers-in-law, that is. Don't worry, I can handle him. Please let Bella know that I am coming."

I called Bella, "Tell your father that you want him to meet the relative that you managed to trace from Italy."

"Okay, you mean Marcus?"

"I do indeed. He has come for a visit."

The next afternoon, Marcus, dressed in a suit that cost more than my sister's automobile collection, met the befuddled Charlie Swan.

"I am Marcus Vinciguerra."

I only just managed to keep from bursting into laughter. Marcus had taken a surname that meant, "victorious at war."

He continued, "I have traveled all the way from Italy to meet you. We are cousins. You have such a charming daughter. I am delighted to make your acquaintance and welcome you to the family."

"Um, how are we related?" Charlie blinked up at him as they shook hands. He admired Marcus' grip but thought he had kind of scary eyes.

"Through Bella's maternal great-grandmother."

"I thought she was adopted."

"Indeed she was, and lost to our family. We have only recently managed to find the records that traced her. Bella, why don't you invite a friend to accompany us to lunch. I would like to meet the people who matter to you." With that, he secured my invitation to take a ring-side seat at the bamboozlement of Charlie Swan.

Lying through his sharp teeth, Marcus easily charmed the socks off of the Chief, and insisted on taking them out to lunch. By the time he was done with Charlie, Marcus had him convinced that he, Marcus, could do no wrong. That college fund that Marcus mentioned that he had created for Bella might possibly have aided in that perception.

Watching him refill her glass for her from a nearby pitcher, rather than waiting for a waitress, made me smile. I did find it quite fascinating that there seemed to be genuine warmth between Bella and Marcus. Considering he was one of the most frightening vampires, well, ever, he was positively endearing in the way he conversed with my beloved. He never talked down to her. He showed sincere interest in whatever she had to say. He insisted she call him, "Cousin Marcus."

Phase two of my master plan went quite well, I'm delighted to say. Marcus spent the next few days giving us lessons on productivity. He found, bought, and had his troops – with mother's assistance – renovate a home not far from ours. And they built quarters that would house all of his men as well. It took seven days of working around the clock. We were awed at the compound he created. Marcus had Aro use the newborns as construction workers. And he ordered Aro to sort the library and dust the new bookshelves.

Marcus asked, "How is Bella doing?"

"Fine, if I could just get that stupid mutt away from her."

"Ah, I see you mean Jacob Black, her best friend?"

"I want to wring his neck. He has the most improper thoughts about my mate."

"Really."

"It's awful." I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration and fondly envisioned murdering him a time or nineteen.

"You know, you really should use your nature to take advantage."

"What do you mean?"

"She's your singer, Edward."

"I am aware of that."

"Well, that means that not only do you get pleasure out of her scent, but she receives an equal amount of pleasure from yours. And since she's human, that has a magnified effect on her system."

Marcus crooked his finger at me and said, "Let's take a walk. We have planning to do."

Marcus was a god. I wanted to be Marcus when I grew up. Jacob Black was never going to know what hit him. I had a new weapon. And I definitely planned on using it. Lots. For moral purposes, of course.

Bella's eyes were drooping by the time I crawled into bed beside her a week later. I cherished my feisty mate. I leaned over and kissed her till she was awake and breathless, loving the feel of her writhing underneath me. I had greeted her like this every night this week, and Bella definitely had no complaints.

"God, Edward, you're killing me." Not yet, I'm not.

"What?" I ran my lips up her throat and began placing kisses along her jaw.

"I am constantly turned on around you, and you darn well know it."

"Are you complaining?"

"Heck, no. I can't get enough of you." She grabbed me by both ears and planted one on me that almost curled my toes. I might have breathed on her a time or two to increase her pleasure.

That night, when she slept, I decided to experiment. Remembering how loath she had been to stop kissing earlier that eve, I worried about her frustration level. I wondered if I could ease it without having to actually touch her and risk losing control and quite possibly chomping on her neck in all the wrong ways. Instead of spooning her from behind as I usually did, I waited until she was in a deep sleep, dreaming.

She had taken a sleeping tablet earlier, so I knew the risk of her waking up was slight. I turned her in my arms and exhaled into her face. Normally when she was asleep, I simply chose to not breathe in order not to risk losing control having her so close. This time, I literally tried to imbue her with my scent.

Within a minute, her heart rate increased, although she stayed fast asleep. I could smell that she was aroused. I gradually increased my breathing on her and she started to quietly moan and writhe. _This is a neat trick, pleasing her sexually simply by exhaling. Who knew?_ I continued to breathe on her. Five very-long-for-me minutes later, Bella arched her back, climaxed in her sleep, and fell back into a pleased-by-the-smile-on-her face dream.

I returned her to the usual position in my arms, putting a pillow in between us to mask my painful arousal. I knew I couldn't do this every night as she normally didn't sleep this well and rarely took a sleeping tablet. I vowed to exhaust her every chance I got so I could please her in her sleep more often. And knowing that I had made her climax made me feel like the king of the world. What other man on the planet could do that to his woman simply by exhaling?

When I left the next morning I passed Emmett in the woods. He looked at me mockingly and said, "Good morning HuffWard; enjoy your night?" He constantly teased me about the scent of my singer.

"Try not to be jealous, Emmett." Just because he _ate_ both of his singers within a minute, he had to give me a hard time about mine. Figures.

"Jealous? At least I'm not panting over Rosalie while she sleeps, like some panty thief." He had been guarding Bella's house last night. I hadn't realized he had been that close. Drat. I said the first thing that came to mind. Unfortunately.

"Yes, but your efforts at exhaling don't make Rosalie climax, now do they?"

Emmett appeared pole-axed. "No freaking way."

Nonchalantly, I brushed my fingernails against my shoulder. "Way."

I shot him a smug glance as he turned and sprinted back to the house, shouting, "Hey Rose, honey!"

My determined brother spent the next three hours just breathing on Rose every chance he got without telling her what he was trying to do, thinking that he would use the scientific method and not bias her. Rosalie, for her part, was confused by his behavior, seeing as vampires – normal ones – did not need to breathe. I snickered as he kept asking her "how she was feeling" and sniffing the air in frustration.

Finally unable to take it any longer, I left the house whispering, "Score! HuffWard 1, Emmett 0."

Emmett stomped out of the house. In my desire to best my brother, I had disclosed information I never should have and felt deeply ashamed. And knowing Emmett, he would tell the entire family. I took the opportunity to rectify my ungentlemanly behavior by engaging in _more_ ungentlemanly behavior.

I chased after him and asked, "Would you like to race?"

He could not resist the opportunity to regain face. "You are so on!"

"Emmett, I said something to you that I never should have today concerning Bella. And I know you want to tease her about it. She's not in any shape to be shamed like that, as you well know. And telling it to the family –you know it would eventually get back to her. So if you tease her at all about this or tell any of the men, I'll ask the girls if their husbands could make them experience orgasms simply by breathing on them."

"Man, when you finally started talking you made up for lost time. That's just cold."

"That's me."

"That's fine." The sexual athlete in Emmett could not bear to be outshone by anyone, much less his virginal brother. His lips were sealed.

I needed to go back to working on that guest list for the wedding. The invitations should be in the mail within the month. Emily Post said so. By that time, Jacob Black would be a bad memory.

Then again, maybe I should invite him? What better way to get the point across to the numbskull that she was mine and I was hers than by having him watch us say our eternal vows?

**Please review! Gus and Douglas are waving at you. So if you were Edward what would you do to Jake?**

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><p>What I'm reading. Thought I'd pass on a few stories.<p>

**While**** You Were Knocked Out Cold by Melolabel ** On his way to propose to long-time girl friend Tanya, Edward witnesses a horrific hit and run car accident. The driver's plea changes everything for Edward. "Please, don't leave me." How can he possibly abandon the unconscious beauty? AH/AU B/E

**A**** Matter of Life and Death by Derdrui oFaolain and WhatsMyNomDePlume** - Forget being scared to death, Bella Swan isn't even scared of death, something that both greatly annoys and—even if he won't admit it—entices Edward Cullen. If only she weren't trying to destroy him. Collab w/ WhatsMyNomDePlume for FGB.

**Unanswered**** Prayers** **by Sparkling Twilight** -Prayers are funny things. I used to think mine fell on deaf ears.

This story owns me right now. Writing is fantastic, you can't stop reading after the first chapter.

**Arms** **by VirginiaMay** -After witnessing the brutal murder of her parents, sharpshooter & former Olympian Bella Swan is forced to live under a new identity as a high school student in tiny Forks, WA. Will unexpected feelings for the wrong man be her undoing or her salvation? AH

**References **

**I did not make that stuff up about the chemicals released when women orgasm. See?**

**http:/www (dot) youramazingbrain (dot) org (dot) uk/lovesex/sciencelove (dot) htm**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: Marry Me**

**Quick AN: I have a new story that I'll be posting in the next few weeks. It's tentatively titled Memento, and it's AU and a romance/suspense. Please put me on Author Alert if you can. Thanks as well to everyone for your reviews which keep me smiling, the tweets (I'm BookishQua on Twitter), and recs. Keep them coming, please. **

**It is beta appreciation day. I would be in a world of pain without my betas and pre-readers. Many thanks to LJ Summers for her beta brilliance. And snark. And prettyflour for inspiring me to push harder with the humor. Thanks as well to pomme_de_terre mistress of UST, for pre-reading and being her usual wonderful self, and to MamaBean for help above and beyond the call of duty in pre-reading. **

**Songs for this chapter - **

**U + Ur Hand - Pink**

**All Night Long - Lionel Richie**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

**Snarky Summary: After the demise of his frenemy Victoria, Edward plays grief counselor to his dear little weeping one. He can be sensitive. Sometimes. Seth returns Renée's head to the Cullens –who decide that Charlie could use something to do at work to keep him busy. They are good citizens. Rose and Emmett break into Charlie's office and leave Chief Swan's ex-wife's (got that?) head on his chair. Jacob has some "'splainin' to do" to Charlie about that very same head. Asshole. **

**At the memorial service, Jacob and the Stenchettes make an appearance. Our favorite rubber-lipped rapscallion spills the beans to Bella about just what Victoria did to Renée's body. Jerk. How dare he tell Bella the truth. Edward, in a fit of self-righteous indignation, sics the skunks on Jacob. Gus decides to lend a rock or two in that effort. Jacob leaves because his blood being shed around pissed off vampires awakens his self-preservation instinct. Pity. That.**

**Bella has taken up amateur stripping to torment Edward. It's totally working. Edward takes Bella on a picnic to meet Gus and Douglas, and confesses about his new gift. Kinda. Well, not about using it on Jacob. That's against man-law. Beer commercials say so. Bella sleeps with the animals. Not that way. Deviants. Edward joins. I'm ending the paragraph now because I know where your sick and twisted mind is going. *sniffs***

**Edward arranges for Emmett to play love doctor for Seth Clearwater (and through the wolf link the whole pack as well). For strategic purposes. He plies that kid with booze, porn, and loose women. Seth thinks Emmett is the coolest vampire ever. Aro now runs a boot camp for slobbering newborns. With Bella's assistance, Marcus boondoggles Charlie into believing that he is a long-lost cousin from Italy. Well, he got the Italian part right. Marcus tells Edward ways to woo Bella. Marcus is Edward's new hero. When it comes to his dear little desirable one, Edward definitely inhales. And exhales. No. Really. He discovers through trial and error that this definitely pleases his soon-to-be bride. Edward goes back to planning his and Bella's wedding. **

**Things you need to know about past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows. Edward asked Bella to marry him not 24 hours after trying to commit Vamp-suicide-by Volturi. She said, "Ask me when you're not buck-eyed crazy." Rats. Women. Way to go being rational and all. What happened to being a hormonally-driven teenager? So he has his mother's ring stored in his room gathering dust. He's determined to woo his woman the right way. Jacob is playing the "best friend card" every chance he gets trying to get into Bella's good graces while sending obnoxious boasts at wolf pitch to Edward. Jacob Black must die. Soon. **

**And so we begin.**

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><p>Four weeks passed. Bella gained weight, and showed showed enough improvement in her symptoms enough that Carlisle decreased her anxiety medication. My family guarded her room every night, which kept the pack far away from the Swan house. Fortunately. That restricted their communication to texts which I did not block. Besides, Jasper said blocking every single cell phone in the area from working might be over-reacting. Fine time for him to become lily-livered.<p>

Charlie had shown the good sense, considering the murderer of his ex-wife and her husband was allegedly running amok, to insist that Bella come immediately to our house after school until he got off of work. He did so because she refused to spend every afternoon in La Push, which was Charlie's first choice. Numbskull. If he had a night shift, she stayed with us. On one such evening, Bella sat with me at the dinner table working on her English essay.

She said, "Edward, we need to come up with a story to tell my dad so he'll stop thinking that murderers are hiding in the shrubs. Victoria is dead."

"Marcus," I asked, "Do you think you can lend a hand here?" Marcus looked up from his perch by the window. He had been watching Aro train his newborns with much entertainment. Aro was currently teaching them the musty dialect of Italian that the Volturi spoke. And how to wear clothing without tearing it off their bodies every ten seconds. Sometimes it felt like our back yard had turned into a stripper bar with the number of naked or nearly naked newborns running away from Volturi guards who had clothing for them.

"Of course," Marcus said as he watched Demetri and Felix jump one naked teen and begin to wrestle him into a pair of Levis. "What do you need?"

"The human authorities must believe that the murders of Renée and Phil Dwyer have been solved. It is causing distress with Chief Swan."

"I'd really appreciate it, Cousin Marcus. My Dad is worried I'm going to be attacked." Well, that was a valid point. It was not like we could tell him, "Relax, you have three vampires stationed outside of your house whenever you and Bella are inside, twenty more Volturi soldiers lurking in the forest in case they are needed, and one very determined vampire sleeping in your daughter's bed every night." Too wordy.

Fifteen minutes later, after tapping away at his laptop and carrying on a few conversations in whispered Italian, Marcus said, "That is all taken care of. Victoria has kindly managed to write a suicide note from the grave confessing to a laundry list of sins."

"What motive did you give her?"

"She was obsessed with Phil Dwyer and wanted to be his wife. She mailed a letter to the local paper. We've made her sound sufficiently insane. Before she said, 'Goodbye, cruel world,' we had it signed Victoria Dwyer."

Bella hugged him. "Thank you so much, Cousin Marcus."

He offered a rare smile. "That's what family is for, my dear Bella."

Later that night, I sensed Jacob running toward the Swan house with improbable thoughts of debauchery and my woman on his tiny little mind. He stopped when he got a whiff of the number of vampires that were outside, and ran away with his tail between his legs. Literally. Puling poser.

Alice had suggested that I play the understanding boyfriend and let Bella's relationship with Jacob implode on its own. Being evolved and sensitive - since her advice fell right in line with Marcus' awesome plan - I agreed. My soon-to-be-wife was mourning, after all. She wasn't quite rational. I had to accommodate her needs. Besides, I had to earn her trust back, get myself engaged, and graduate from high school. I had priorities. Oh, add to that getting her into a decent college. And have sex - hot sex- without killing her. Scratch that. I'd have to find a private place for the two of us to have hot sex. I wasn't giving away my meticulously-researched-over-decades secrets to inducing female passion to my over-inquisitive brothers who would doubtlessly listen to us. Perverts.

Bella mumbled, "Edward. More. _Lower_." My ears pricked up at that last word. Lower? Ye gads! To drive my mind away from lustful thoughts, of which I had many, I decided to concentrate on practical matters. Like arranging my future sex life with my wife. With me.

I should start remodeling one of the guest houses on our property. Perhaps Marcus could spare some construction workers. And having a new project would overjoy Mother and keep her interior decorating business flourishing. This seemed prudent on all levels. With that in mind, I changed our wedding date and moved it up to next month. Using an out-of-town minister and caterers allowed me to avoid all those irritating questions like whether or not the bride agreed with the plans – or knew of them. Alice never called me to say it would not work, so this was the right thing to do. I couldn't wait to be a husband. To Bella. My beloved. Next time we moved, instead of going to high school, I think I might be a wedding planner. It was so simple to organize, really. Especially when the bride had no idea.

I had so much more to offer her than that toad, Jacob Black. That boy's idea of a romantic evening consisted of consuming cheap alcoholic beverages, crunching beer cans against his forehead, and making out in the back seat of his Rabbit. So far the only person he'd been able to persuade to get into the aforementioned back seat was himself and his hand. And a pornographic magazine that even Emmett would find in poor taste. Imbecile. The odds of him taking away the love of my life were about equal to the chances of me impregnating her with spawn from my venom. I mean, really, how ludicrous was that?

The next day was Sunday. I crept from her bed that morning before her father lurched awake in his never-ending pursuit of fish, and ran off to hunt an elk or three. At noon, I approached her house - a man on a mission - and knocked lightly on the door. While I had been gone, my dear little distraught one had completely neglected her college search. Charlie might not have liked me much, but he most definitely approved of my attempts to assist her in improving her education. Every night, I showed up at her father's house laden with applications for different institutions.

Some she applied to just to keep her father happy. I picked schools with strong football teams because that probably was the extent of his knowledge of them: the University of Texas, Florida State, LSU, Alabama, Boise State, and Notre Dame. I even added in applications to schools that would make Bella happy. I had no intention of attending the University of Arizona. Too hot. Sunny as well. Simply walking across their campus, much less taking classes, would prove awkward. We would sparkle so much in the sunlight people would think Liberace had escaped from his crypt.

Bella, for her part, had decided to drive me insane with lust. She had gone shopping for new pajamas with my devious sisters and had taken to wearing these shorts that showed off her legs and buttocks. Evil woman. And yes, I totally looked because that ass was mine. I mean, she owned my heart and tattered soul. Bella sauntered into her bedroom from the hallway after changing into her night attire. Tonight's ensemble was thin white cotton.

I could see the shadow of her nipples through the fabric of the top. As she turned to close the bedroom door, the white lace of her panties and the curve of her behind showed through the fabric. And yes, I totally looked. Sue me. I'm a sexually frustrated vampire.

She leaned against the door, took one look at me, and started licking her lips. The lecture I had planned on giving her on the importance of her college essay disintegrated into dust and was replaced with lurid images of what I'd like those lips to do. The other ones, too. God help me.

I didn't need a mirror to know that my eyes had darkened. I gulped away a mouthful of venom, and thanked the Sweet Lord that I had the good sense and a psychic sister that insisted that I wear loose jeans.

Bella smiled at me as if she could read my mind. Which she most definitely could not. This was going to kill me to pretend to be unaffected. I was only inhuman. So I did what any reasonable vampire would do when provoked by his mate. I grinned for a moment and then pounced. Bella needed to have motivation to marry me. Sex should inspire her. Hot sex. Well, the _promise_ of hot sex. With me. My tactic should work. Marcus said so. And if Marcus said it, it must be true. Besides, you can't seduce the willing. I brushed her hair away from her eyes and kissed her temple.

I had her lightly pinned against her closed bedroom door, and ran my nose down the column of her pale throat, listening to her racing heart beat, smelling her arousal. Score one for me. I trailed my thumb against her full lower lip.

"Do you have any idea what those pajamas are doing to me?"

Her lips curved upward. "Why don't you show me, big guy?"

Big guy? She had no idea. Really. I was so going to accept that challenge. I gulped. "Don't mind if I do." My hands went to her bottom and moved her up higher on the door. She wrapped her legs around my waist and pressed against my pelvis as I began to gently kiss her. I kept the kisses short, barely brushing her lips with my own, taking in her scent. She drove me wild by grabbing my face, tipping my head to the side, and nibbling on my throat. It took all I had not to throw her onto the bed and have my wicked way with her.

"Is that for little old me?" Bella sighed between kisses, pressing herself against me again and rotating her hips.

"Bella, don't start what you can't finish." I hissed in her ear, and went back to kissing her neck.

She moaned, "Who said I wasn't willing to finish?" Why worship Satan when I could just pray to my beloved instead? The woman tempted me constantly.

I growled and started running my hands leisurely down her body, skimming the edges of her breasts, stroking her ribs, like I had all the time in the world. Her father was already in bed, doing his usual deplorable job of guarding her reputation and snoring like a water buffalo.

Bella started to get enthusiastic with her vocal responses. I caught the noise with a kiss in an effort to muffle it.

I whispered, "We don't want your father storming in here to protect your virtue, now do we?"

Glassy-eyed and rosy-lipped, Bella nodded fervently as if she was saying, "Yes," while uttering a breathless, "No." She kept staring at my mouth. I think I managed to discombobulate her at long last.

"Do you really want your first time to be both of us trying to stay quiet so we don't wake your dad up?"

"Heck, no."

"Just think what we could do in our own house. All night long. Without anyone raising eyebrows." I ghosted my fingers across her nipples. "Or interrupting." My fingers moved downward.

Bella sounded like she had been running, she breathed so fast. "All night long?"

"Some of us never need to sleep or tire. All the more time to pleasure you. We'd have to be married, of course. So your father wouldn't be upset about us living together." I stroked my fingers underneath her waistband caressing the skin of her lower abdomen. Bella started trembling. At that moment in time, Charlie let out an epic snore followed by three gasps. Bella jumped at the sound. Score two for me in convincing her on the benefits of privacy. And marriage.

She blurted, "Ring."

"I beg your pardon?" I stopped kissing her throat, and began tracing circles on her abdomen with my thumbs.

"Do you have that ring?"

"Why, yes, I most certainly do."

"I want it. Please?" She looked adorable.

"Does this mean that you are agreeing to be my wife?"

Frantically, Bella nodded. I kissed her, tracing her lips with my tongue. She started trembling.

That meant it was totally fair for me to breathe on her five times - that always left her breathless and aroused. Combined with my fingers, I managed to help her reach orgasm thirty seconds later.

When she came down from her high, Bella planted a scorching kiss on me, "Edward, that felt so good. I most certainly am going to marry you. I love you."

That made my century. My work here was done.

"You have made me the happiest man on the planet. Stay here and I'll go get the ring." I carried her to the bed, kissed her like a starving man at a feast, and reluctantly lowered her to the mattress. Then I ran for my life and her virtue.

And I might possibly have stopped along the way and set speed records for masturbation. What? I had the animals keeping watch for me to ensure I had privacy. I couldn't return to Bella's bedroom sporting a raging . . . never mind. God only knows what she would try to do.

After rearranging my clothing and washing my hands in a nearby river - it wouldn't do to return to the house smelling of venom. There.

I sprinted for home. Rifling through my drawers - the wooden ones - I found the ring and removed it from the case, slipping it into my pocket. A vision of my late human mother wearing it came to mind. She would have loved Bella.

Alice knocked on the door, and entered the room, followed by her grinning spouse.

"So?" She played dumb for my benefit. "Jasper, he's smiling. Did you zap with with your gift?"

"No, that's all him."

"She said yes," I said. "I'm going back to bring her the ring."

Jasper high-fived me on my way out the door.

They had just enough time to shout, "Congratulations!" as I ran down the staircase.

I pulled out my phone once I reached the outdoors and texted the details of the wedding to Alice for her assistance. Bella would thank me.

Don't get me wrong, I always looked forward to seeing her, but tonight? I could not think of a time when my soul all but sang with such jubilation - aside of course from that moment when I realized that she was alive, after all, in Italy. But that didn't count. Since I was clearly out of my mind. Then.

I stopped by Douglas' tree. He and Gus were keeping company of late. "My mate agreed to marry me. Have some food on me." I showered them with nuts and bulbs. They liked the ring. Douglas thought it was appropriately shiny. Gus wondered if it was edible. Laughing, I ran to my love's house. I ran so fast back to her room I felt like I was flying through the night.

Emmett fist-bumped me as I breezed past him on my way up to Bella's window.

"Way to go, baby brother." I was older. But still. The sentiment was nice. Rosalie actually kept her mouth shut. Will wonders never cease? Perhaps I should send her more sex toys. They appeared to agree with her putrid disposition.

Bella was snuggled under the covers, a sappy smile on her face.

"You're back!" She opened her arms. I got down on bended knee and kissed her. Before we got too carried away, I reluctantly pulled away from her.

"I have something for you." I held out the ring. She offered me her finger and I slipped it on.

"Edward, it's gorgeous. Thank you so much." Bella leaned her forehead against mine. "Can we get married soon?"

"Already on it."

"Thank God. I hate planning things like that."

Speaking of proposals, I had to cancel the wedding invitations and order a new set. Now that Bella's mother had passed, we'd have to reword the invitations. That meant I had to keep Charlie alive despite my misgivings. Bella could not lose another parent. We'd have to order more invitations. That would be inconvenient. And it would make my bride weep, which would bother me infinitely more. As the ultimate sign of my devotion to my dear little desirable one, I would put up with her mental midget of a father. I was nice like that.

"Earth to Edward." Bella waved her fingers in front of my eyes.

"My apologies. I was envisioning our wedding."

Bella narrowed her eyes. "Only immediate family and a few friends. Less than fifty guests?"

"Agreed."

"How are we going to tell my dad without him totally losing it?"

"Leave that up to me, dearest." I lay down beside her and began humming. Every thing I did, I did because this woman had transformed my life when she accepted my heart and taught me that love - true love - wasn't merely for immortals. Soon, she was asleep, held in my arms, as it was always meant to be.

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><p><strong>Please review. It inspires snark. So, is Bella getting married for the right reasons?<strong>

References

Liberace was a famous pianist. And his outfits made Elton John of the 80s look tame. Darlings.

Here's his bio: .com/articles/Liberace-9381642

And check out this picture. Look at those jewels:


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine - Goody Two Shoes I Am Not**

**I think my betas deserve the holiday off, so I'm posting this without having it formally beta'd. We have a holiday on Monday in the US. For those of you that celebrate it, I hope you have a lovely day. **

**Many thanks MamaBean for help above and beyond the call of duty in pre-reading.**

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I love the snark you all put in them. It totally makes my day. Thanks for the tweets (I'm on Twitter at BookishQua), PM's, posts, and recs. Keep them coming. :)**

**Songs for this chapter:**

**Goody Two Shoes - Adam Ant**

**The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails**

**Bad Case of Loving You- Robert Palmer**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

**Snarky Summary: Edward manages to sparkly cock-block Jacob from getting near Bella for some face-to-face action for four weeks. Edward wants a medal for that accomplishment. Bella's health improves. Marcus solves that whole murder mystery for the mortals. Edward works with her on his, I mean **_**their,**_** college plans. My bad. He manages to persuade Bella to marry him through use of his mad game dastardly kissing skills. The end. Kidding. Not. **

**Things you need to know from past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows.**

**Jacob Black is a tool who is working the "I'm your best friend (*insert vomiting here*)," tactic to break up Bella and Edward, so far without much success. Edward, with the assistance of his minions of mayhem, has convinced the pack that he (and Aro) worship Satan (AKA Dark Master) and that he has chained the pack's souls to their familiars. Paul is all kinds of hysterical about this. Seth, gets over his fears when Emmett takes him out for a night of debauchery and teaches him how to recognize the scent of a female orgasm. Through observation. Not that kind. Degenerates. Marcus has come up with a plan to help rid Edward and Bella of Jacob without making it look like Edward is responsible for said plan. Edward has just given Bella the engagement ring and is basking in her presence. And so we begin.**

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><p>Late the following afternoon, I put on a tie, polished my shoes, and showed up at Bella's house. Douglas was on my shoulder, offering me moral support.<p>

She opened the door nervously, twisting the ring on her left hand. I held out my hand so Douglas could greet her. "Hey Douglas," she whispered and stroked his head with her index finger. Douglas' tail did a happy dance swaying in the breeze.

"Best wait out here," I warned my friend. With a supportive cheep, he scurried into the bushes and quickly found a perch in a nearby Sitka Spruce tree. I saw Gus lurking in the forest. He waved a paw for good luck. I was going to need it, I feared. Would it be unforgivably rude to just snap Charlie's neck if he proved to be difficult?

"Come on in." Bella spun on her heel so quickly she began to fall. I caught her by the waist.

"Careful, there."

Bella tensed in my arms. "Sorry. I'm just a nervous wreck," she confessed.

Her father had his nose stuck in the newspaper and had not noticed the engagement ring of his only child. Crooks in Forks should quiver in their boots at the keen powers of observation of this man.

I waded into the proverbial lamb's den. "Hello, Chief Swan."

He grunted in response and turned a page in the sports section. Bella cleared her throat and glared at her father. Charlie lowered his paper and said. "You two are just standing there. What gives?"

"I'd like to talk to you if you have the time."

Charlie put the paper away when Bella stared at it meaningfully. He looked all of six years old, taking in a few longing glances with a protruding lower lip before he put it up. I sat on the sofa holding Bella's hand. It trembled in mine. Gently, I stroked her palm with a finger. That earned me a tremulous smile.

Despite that impressive career in law enforcement, Chief Swan immediately began to panic. Mentally, his thoughts were words to the effect of, _"Oh, God, by that defensive pout on his face, he's going to tell me that he's knocked her up. I just know it. My poor baby girl."_

I cleared my throat. "Chief Swan, I have asked Bella for her hand in marriage and she has consented. We are going to be married in a month." There. I said everything I needed to. Efficiently.

Charlie was not expecting this. "Why the rush?"

"We plan on living together during college and I will not disrespect Bella by doing so without the bonds of matrimony. I love her." That earned a fleeting smile from my dear little nervous one. She mouthed back to me, "Love you more." Charlie watched the exchanged and rolled his eyes. Bastard.

He stared at me for a moment, long enough to make both Bella and I uncomfortable. I was the semi-reformed mass murdering predator in the room, couldn't his survival instincts kick in for once and have him show the proper level of respect? I made Ted Bundy look like an amateur.

Charlie thought, _"Well, they haven't mentioned a baby, and if she was pregnant, Bella would not be able to hide it. So I won't embarrass her by asking. But I'm going to have to pull out the serious questions for this Edward kid."_ I was not a juvenile goat. I awaited the Charles Swan inquisition with bated breath.

He expected the first question to break me. "Son, how are you even going to afford to be married?" Better than you, bucko.

I passed him a bank statement. "I have three million saved in my checking account."

"You have a checking account?" He spluttered and held the paper up to the air to see if it was a forgery. As if. Had I been dumb enough to forge it, I guarantee you I would not have used shoddy workmanship. Jasper was the best in that department. As if the veritable metropolis of Forks had to deal with forged bank statements on a regular basis. Who trained him? The Keystone Cops? And why exclaim over me having a checking account when the amount in it should have caught his attention?

"I have a savings account, too," I added as an afterthought. Bella blanched at Charlie's reaction. Perhaps I had been too conservative in offering figures? I did not want her father to think that she'd live like a pauper. While Charlie read over the statement, I used vampire speed and texted Alice for advice. She was better at this talking business.

Charlie had a vein pulsing in his forehead. I wondered if he was going to require medication. "Do you have three million in _that _account, too? Jesus Christ!"

"No. More. Is that a problem? I'm quite good with the stocks." I texted Alice to see if I could empty another savings account. Would twenty-five million be enough to satisfy him? She seemed to find that premature and suggested that I not share that figure. Humans could be so confusing. Especially the Swans.

"Is this some kind of prank?" Charlie looked around suspiciously for a crew with a camera to explode out of the hallway and announce to the world the extent of his idiocy. He thought,_ "He's fiddling with his damn phone while explaining to me how adult he is. How fucked up is that?"_ Oops. Reluctantly, I put it away.

"I would not joke about such a thing with you." I sniffed. "Especially since we are discussing Bella's welfare."

"Edward, do you really have that much money?"

"Actually, I have more. But I thought that would do for a start. My late family left me well off when they died. My financial advisers," that would be Alice and Jasper, "have managed to increase my wealth through sound investments. Bella will never have to work." Bella squeezed my hand, "unless of course, that is her wish." I beamed at her and kissed her hand. Bella looked like she was going to faint. How was she distressed by the fact that I had money? She confused me so.

Then Charlie had to go and stick his foot in it. "Edward, I think you and Bella should give this time. Just a few weeks ago, she was dating Jacob." I stilled. My nostrils flared at the mention of that cretin's name.

Bella bristled, "Jake and I are just friends, Dad. We never dated."

"Sure looked like it to me from the way you two make googly eyes at each other. Jake seemed to think so too." He crossed his arms. _Jake wouldn't run away like this kid did at the first sign of trouble. He's good people even if he was a moron about poor Renée's head. Bells would be happier with him. Billy and I always dreamed of our families being together. _

It was a good thing I did not have my phone in my hand. I would have pulverized it.

The distress of my beloved caused my temper to soar. Bella wiped at her eyes and sniffed. "I'm over eighteen, Dad. I'm getting married in a month because I want to. You can be there or not. Carlisle can always walk me down the aisle. Let's go."

She stood. Gritting my teeth to keep from blurting something honest, I nodded at a spluttering, red-faced Charlie and escorted my love out of the house. Much to my distress, she burst into tears as soon as the door closed behind us. Which disturbed me. Bella was not one for crying. Perhaps I should rethink that keeping-her-father-alive business? As quickly as I could while pretending to be human, I escorted Bella into my car and drove away before Charlie could pull his skinny backside out of his lounge chair.

She kept crying. This was bad. My hands squeezed the steering wheel. I even drove the speed limit to comfort her. I was tempted to turn the car around and teach Charlie Swan some manners. I pulled the car over in front of Jessica Stanley's house and pulled Bella into my lap.

Jessica peeked out the window. _"What the heck are they doing making out in my front yard? Gross!" _she thought.

I ignored the dingbat. I only just avoided shuddering as Jessica began to fantasize about me trailing butterfly kisses across her bare chest as she laid on her front lawn. Her fantasy then moved to me tearing off her jeans, revealing a magenta thong, rolling around on the damp lawn, and crushing the snapdragons they had planted along the sidewalk. Gross, indeed. That woman was delusional.

Bella laid her head against my chest, pulling me away from Jessica's hellish fantasy. I wiped away her tears. "He will come around, Bella. Alice told me that she sees him escorting you down the aisle."

"Really?" She had a note of hope in her voice.

"Really." I kissed her forehead. "He is simply doing what a father should and looking out for your welfare."

"He doesn't have to be a total jerk about it. And that stuff about Jake was wrong. I _never_ dated him, Edward. You have to believe me. I wouldn't lie about something like that. I can't figure out why my dad did."

"Bella, I do believe you. Jake is no fan of mine, and if you had dated, I guarantee you he would have been sending me all sorts of images about it."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. Jake's a little over-protective."

No, he was simply an ass. But she'd soon learn.

"As for lying, your father is seeing what he wants to see. He's not being dishonest on purpose."

Bella stilled in my arms. "Edward, why are we sitting in front of Jessica Stanley's house?"

"I wanted to comfort you, and this was the first place I could pull the car over. Is that okay?"

She leaned forward and whispered, "Don't be obvious about it, but she has her face pressed to the glass of her bedroom window watching us." I glanced and sure enough, she did. Jessica's nose was squashed in an excellent likeness of Miss Piggy.

"I guess that means we should give her a reason to stare. Wrap your arms around me and make sure she can see your ring." I loved the gleam in Bella's eye. Even better, she was totally fine with engaging in inappropriate displays of public affection for spiteful purposes. I kissed her for a minute. Because I am munificent, I even gave her time to breathe, and then deposited her in the front passenger seat with an inappropriate leer or three that made Jessica squeal. "We should go. Her mother just joined her. Even I have my limits."

I sped away into the twilight trying not to laugh as Mrs. Stanley asked her daughter, "Were they having _sex_ in the car in front of our house?"

"I just don't get what he sees in her. I'm so much cuter. Besides, I have bigger boobs." Jessica wailed. She left out the inane personality, buck teeth, frizzy hair, and body odor problem. Definitely a keeper. By sixteenth century standards.

Once we arrived back at the house, I pulled into the garage to get out of the pouring rain. The night had become chilly. An ill timed gust sent a shower of frigid water over the two of us. Bella had her arms crossed, rubbing them to create friction.

"Come on, it's not that far to the house. Alice turned the heat up." My phone rang. It was Carlisle.

"Yes?"

"Alice said we should give you two privacy. The house is yours for the night."

"Good. Thank you." I ended the call.

"Where is everyone?"

"They all went out for the night. We have the house to ourselves." I explained.

I went into the bathroom, and started running the water for a bath. Bella loved that tub. I hoped this would put her in a better mood.

"You've water started for a proper bath."

She leaned up and kissed me. I could feel the salt from her tears against my skin. "Thanks for putting up with me when I'm so whiny."

"You are not."

"Am too." She giggled. "I sounded like a five-year-old just then."

"Go, bathe. Feel better." I gently pushed her toward the bathroom. Her back to me, she crossed her arms and took off her damp shirt. Thanks to my immortal nature, I could not have a heart attack. Slowly, she unhooked her bra and shrugged out of it, tossing it to the floor. My mouth became dry. I loved the curve of her back. I wanted to run my fingers over it.

Without taunting me further, she went into the bathroom. I could hear her removing the rest of her clothes and sighing as she slipped into the water. I sat on my couch and took off my shoes and socks and contemplated the virtues of chastity.

While Bella bathed, I took out my phone, and after a second or nine of contemplation contacted the second most vicious person I knew. For a favor. She owed me. The most vicious was Victoria, who was inconveniently at the moment, dead. She probably would have had some choice words about this Charlie situation. Something along the lines of recommending I find out if he tastes good with a dash of Tabasco sauce.

"Need you in Forks," I typed.

"Oh, baby," she fired back.

"Not like *that*, you demented harpy."

"You have no idea what you're missing, oh virgin queen. And I think the comma goes after the *."

"Some things should remain a mystery. And I'm straight, thank you very much, despite your harassment. Don't toy with my grammar."

"What do you need? Aside from a good fucking?"

"Watch the language. Bella's father is against our marriage. He made her cry today."

"Sorry if I offended your virgin ears. What does he want? You're an awesome match. Even I would marry you. Maybe."

"Her to marry the son of his best friend. A shapeshifting dog."

"Ew. She'd need a clothespin over her nose to do him. And lots of disinfectant."

"Quite."

"What do you want?"

"Humiliations galore."

"For the dog? Irina would be happy to help."

"I have him handled. Bella's father could use your attention. He's the local police chief. He needs to change his attitude about his daughter."

She asked, "Can I kill him?"

"No."

"Turn him?"

"Defnitely no. He'd be the stupidest vampire ever."

"Seduce him?"

"That would be acceptable, although I suspect you'd be very bored."

"Never underestimate the entertainment value of imbeciles. Can I sick my sisters on him?"

"If you like."

"Goody. I'm totally into handcuffs. See you later. And tell Bella I said 'congratulations and welcome to the family.'"

I felt much better. Charlie had made my beloved weep on what should have been a momentous occasion. He had earned whatever Tanya was going to do to him. Even better, he was never going to see it coming.

And it was about time my dear little one had some payback. I walked into the bathroom. She was leaning forward in the tub, thinking, her chin on her knees. Her eyes met mine. They were red from crying. I took off my shirt. She gulped.

"You're taking your shirt off?" Bella's eyes widened, her mouth shaped into an o. She looked scandalized.

"Are you complaining?"

My hands went to my waistband of my jeans.

"Heck, no. Mind if I watch?"

They soon pooled at my feet.

"Way to go taking my mind off my problems, big guy."

I feasted my eyes on her glorious body. I had imagined her naked so many times. The reality was so much better.

"Want some company?" Said the spider to the fly.

"Sure." Her voice cracked.

Her eyes bulged when I stepped out of my shorts and into the tub.

"Edward, you're going to kill me with that thing." She knew how to flatter me so. How I loved my dear little gawping one. I didn't mean to brag . . . But she had reason to be impressed.

"Relax, we're just going to bathe. Let me take care of you." I sat behind her, and massaged her shoulders. She had her hands covering her chest protectively.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"They're small." The sincerity in her voice broke my heart. How did she ever get the idea that she was not good enough? Oh. Right. Me. I had to fix this.

I wrapped my arms around her upper chest, careful to mind my manners, and stroked her clavicle with my fingers. I loved the feeling of her warm skin. "You are everything to me, and perfect as you are. Why would you think less of yourself?"

Flustered, Bella muttered. "Um, well, for starters I'm not big like Jessica Stanley."

"Thank heavens. If you had Jessica's chest on your frame, you'd fall over." I left off the, "More than a mouthful is wasted space," comment. Too crude. Honest. But rude. I kissed the top of her head. "I'm not interested in anything Jessica has to offer. I only want you." I began tracing small circles in the knots on her shoulders. She was so tense.

"That feels so good," she sighed, pulling her hair out of the way, leaving her back bare.

I picked up her body wash, squeezed some into a loofah, and began slowly washing her back.

This being married business was going to be so much fun. I could hardly wait. The hopefully-not-killing-her-while-making-love part could have to come later. I kissed the side of her neck.

"I love you, Bella Swan. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for letting me be yours."

She tilted her head back, wrapped her arms around my head, and pulled me down for a slow kiss. And yes, I totally appreciated the view. Sue me.

"Back 'atcha, Edward."

Half an hour later, I carried her from the bathroom to our bed. I had the good sense to lock my bedroom door, and my family had the excellent manners and healthy sense of self preservation to leave us alone to take the newborn mob deer hunting in Canada. Bella put on one of my long-sleeved shirts over some panties, and I wore some sleep pants over my boxers. We were decent.

I pulled the covers over us and turned off the light. She nuzzled against my neck as I stroked her back.

Bella kissed my throat and whispered, "I needed this."

"Me, too." I had managed to prove to myself that I could be around her when she was naked without becoming a slobbering animal.

I could feel the curve of her lips against my skin as she smiled. "We should get naked more often." Evil woman.

I started thinking of all things vile, like of skunk-basted Jacob Black's face, in order to keep certain delicate parts of me behaving like the gentleman that I was most decidedly not, and avoid that chomping on the neck business. Right now, my love needed me to be strong for her. And I was happy to shoulder the burdens of life with her at my side.

My phone chirped with an incoming text. Wrapping an arm around Bella's waist to hold her in place, I leaned and picked it up from the end table and read, "Hey, Hot Stuff. We are getting into the car now. Will be in Forks soon. Can't wait to see my favorite virgin. Spank you later." I erased that text for fear of Bella misunderstanding it, and turned my phone off with a smile. Tanya and her sisters were on their way. Marvelous.

"Who was that?" Bella raised up on her elbows and traced her nose across my cheeks. The other ones. It felt fantastic. I might possibly have whimpered.

"Oh, just my cousins from Alaska saying they were coming for a visit."

"The crazy sex-starved ones?"

"Correct."

"God help us. What is going to happen when we get them in the same room with Aro and Marcus? Didn't they execute their mother?"

Oops. Forgot to consider that.

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><p><strong>So, if you were Tanya, what would you do to torment Charlie? Please review, it inspires snark. <strong>

References

Meet Miss Piggy: http:/images (dot) wikia (dot) com/muppet/images/9/9b/Miss-piggy (dot) jpg

This is Tabasco sauce. http:/www (dot) tabasco (dot) com/main (dot) cfm


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten: Highway to Hell**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

Song for this chapter as suggested by U2Shay:

Highway to Hell AC/DC

Let's Go Crazy - Prince

Master of Puppets - By those Metallica dudes

Back in Black- AC/DC

Running With The Devil - Van Halen

Quick AN: I've been adding outtakes to Cullenary Coupling. So far they are a hit. Drop by if you have the chance. Thanks so much for the reviews, tweets, PMs and overall support.

**Snarky Summary: Edward tells Charlie of his intention to marry Bella. Charlie is overwhelmed with joy. Not. After expressing his fatherly concerns, Bella curses out her parent, swears to get a tattoo, and stomps out of the house, crying. Well, one out**** of three isn't bad. Jessica Stanley gets a peep show courtesy of our two favorite love birds. Edward calls Tanya and asks her to come play. With Charlie. Lots. Edward decides to get naked with Bella. Really naked. For hygiene purposes. *faints* Things you need to remember from past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows. The pack thinks Edward and Aro worship Satan. With animals. Jake acted like a jerk at the funeral and the Cullens want payback. We find our young lovers in bed. Sleeping. Sort of. And so we begin.**

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><p>Morning light filtered into the room, making Bella's skin glow. I couldn't wait to see what she looked like once she was transformed. She had thrown a leg over me while asleep. I had no complaints with this arrangement. She was wearing one of those little nightdresses that she had bought while out with Alice the other day, and it showed a fair amount of skin on her lower back. I trailed my fingers up her spine.<p>

"Mmfh," she nuzzled her face into my chest. Which felt quite good, actually.

"Bella," I stroked her hair, "you need to wake up."

"Why? I love being here in your arms." She kissed my chest. Which tickled.

"And I love having you in my arms. You need to eat something. It's time for you to take your medication."

I handed her a tablet and a glass of water. She tossed it back and drank a sip.

"Do you think your Mom has the ingredients for French toast? I have a craving for sweets."

"I think Alice made sure we were stocked up yesterday."

"Excellent," Bella rolled over and sighed, running her fingers through her tangled hair. She stood and stretched. Another amazing view.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

She slid her straps from her shoulders. I watched gobsmacked as it fell to the floor leaving her in nothing but a pair of panties. "I feel like taking a shower to wake up. Feel like joining me?" She gave me an impish grin.

Was she insane? Scratch that.

"Why, yes. I think I do." I followed after her like the good fiance that I was. My woman needed her back scrubbed. And I was just the fiend to do it. It was a dirty job, but alas, someone had to do it.

I took the body wash that she liked and began working on her shoulders while she shampooed her hair.

"Dad sent me an email last night."

I remembered her fretting over her laptop. "He did?"

"Yeah, he wants me to come by this morning so we can talk."

"Is this going to be a repeat of the last conversation?" I almost growled.

"I hope not. He said he was sorry for upsetting me." I slucied water over her back and pulled her against me.

"I hate seeing you so upset."

"I hate being that upset. But he is my father, and I should at least hear him out like an adult. He said that he would respect my choices even if he didn't agree with them."

What malarkey.

We dried off, dressed, and I watched Bella devour a plate of French toast. Reluctantly, I drove her back to Charlie's house. His cruiser was in the front. "I'll call you later. I don't know how long this will take."

"You don't want me there?" I almost sulked.

"I think it might go better if I talk to him on my own. I'll call you later." She kissed me and waved as she walked to her door. I saw Charlie peeking out from the living room window. Jerk.

I drove back to my house grumbling the entire way. I really needed to give more consideration to that keeping-her-bird-brained-father-alive business. He was looking better as a corpse by the second. Even Mother's rose bushes seemed to agree with me, nodding as I passed them.

Tanya could not get here fast enough. Speaking of fast women, I wondered what was taking her so long. As I walked toward the house, I pulled out my cell phone.

I texted Tanya, "When are you coming?"

"Are we having phone sex? How adventurous of you, Edward."

"Ew. No. Bella's father is guilting her into talking to him. He needs your special touch."

"My sisters and I are buying clothing for our visit. We want to make sure we blend in. Somewhat. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent rain boot in Alaska?"

"I forgot to tell you something important."

"Did you lose your virginity?"

"That's none of your business."

"Then it can't be THAT important. Do I need to give Bella a pep talk? Hog tie you?"

"No. She is doing fine on that front without you getting your claws into her. Harpy."

"So what is it, hot stuff? I'm all ears."

"All hair is more like it."

"Time's a wasting, lover boy."

"Right. That. Um, we have houseguests. You might not want to stay here."

"Do I need to kick someone's skanky ass out of my room?"

"I'd pay good money to see you try that with Marcus and Aro."

"Ew."

"I know. I apologize for not telling you sooner."

"Well, they were only doing their job. I'm a big girl. I've sulked long enough. Thanks for telling me. We're still coming. I'm still kicking that Marcus bitch out of my room. That man needs to get laid almost as much as you do."

"One other thing."

"What now?"

"I might possibly have convinced the wolves that I worship Satan."

"Oh, you bad man, you. Now I'm really going to have fun. I haven't had this much fun since the Salem Witch Trials. I must go tell my sisters. Later!"

"Edward," Father captured my attention from my text war with Tanya while perusing his morning paper. "I'd like your help with a speech."

If he was referring to having me give the presentation I would rather have sexual relations with the entire Stench-sploding pack at once - even Pepe Le Spew, Jacob Black - before I'd give a speech. Talking. It _only_ led to trouble. Just look what had happened when I had proposed to Bella. The first time. Or when I told her birdbrained father that Bella and I would be married, and totally skipped over that asking for his blessing part.

"Edward? Are you listening?" Father was staring at me.

"I apologize. I was worrying about Bella given the loss of her mother." There. That was true. Made me appear considerate, too. Even while being rude to my Father. "What do you need me to do?"

"I have been asked to give a lecture at Forks High School on safe sexual relations among humans."

"You've been asked to do that two years in a row but have always been too busy."

"Well, yes, I have. Marcus suggests that I should attend this year." I looked over at Marcus who smiled as he slid a chess piece across the board and checkmated Jasper. I think this made the fourth game in a row that he had won. Jasper frowned at the board, working to memorize the strategy. Seeing him bask in Marcus' presence was vastly entertaining. Marcus was a rock star to my military strategist brother.

The smile that Marcus currently sported was enough to make my stomach churn. It made me want to check my pockets to see if I was suddenly missing my wallet and press my abdomen to ensure that my entrails weren't spilling out.

"I think it would be entertaining. And we must obtain the necessary supplies for the presentation, Carlisle."

"Right," Father said.

I raised an eyebrow at Marcus. If I kept quiet, he'd explain his reasoning.

"We can use it as an opportunity to continue toying with the wolves. After their untoward behavior at the funeral, they have earned our wrath."

"How many people do you want supplies for?"

"Four hundred."

"I'd be delighted."

Emmett watched our exchange from his position over on the sofa. He put down his biography of Mickey Mantle and said to Jasper, "Methinks brother Edward and Cousin Marcus are plotting something especially dastardly. Five bucks says it has to do with Jacob."

Jasper laughed, "I'm not taking that bet. I can tell it has to do with Jacob by the unholy glee coming from them both. Can we help?"

"Why yes," I said, "I think you can. We should also talk to Marcus and get his opinion."

"What am I, chopped liver?" Father joked. "Count me in. After what that cad did at the funeral, I owe him considerable suffering."

That sparked spiteful rumination in me. Jacob Black, with his ill-timed manipulation attempts of my beloved soon-to-be bride had gotten on my last nerve. Prudence, therefore, dictated that I deal with him in as expedited manner as possible. My survival instinct – and Marcus' sage advice – told me that I should do so in a manner that made me appear innocent in the eyes of the most important party: Bella. Although I _did_ know what was best for her, it wouldn't do for her to feel that I had arranged her life. She might find that high-handed. She had been awfully irrational lately due to the suffering she had endured in being stalked by Victoria and forced to depend upon stenchsploding shapeshifters for her protection. I must not upset her delicate nerves.

"Are we going to kill them?" Jasper asked wearing a hopeful expression, pulling me from my thoughts.

"No. That would break the treaty." Carlisle said. "But after their behavior at the funeral towards Bella and the disrepect they showed our family, we owe them."

"So that means we can beat them up, right?" Emmett chimed in, cracking his knuckles.

"That would prove amusing. " Marcus sighed, "But as they are young and inexperienced, would not be much of a challenge. We're best using psychological warfare on them instead. You and Aro have led a brilliant campaign thus far. I propose we continue in our efforts to convince them of our nefarious habit of worshipping the Dark Lord. Aro thinks this is a fantastic idea. He's upstairs getting dressed."

Aro sailed down the stairs wearing blue jeans with black leather chaps over them, black leather boots, and an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt. He had a black leather bracelet with steel spikes around one wrist, and had painted a pentagram on the inside of his right arm. In bright red. We all stared at his arm.

"Heidi showed me how to put on temporary tattoos. They are so much fun, dear boys. You should wear them too." He handed out red pentagrams for us all.

"I want to put mine on my forehead." Emmett chortled.

"No," Marcus chided. "We should all put them on the inside of our arms so we can cover them up with our sleeves and show them when we want." Good point. "Put them on now. We're going shopping."

I loathed shopping. Passionately. "For what?"

"Supplies for your father's presentation. Were you not paying attention earlier?"

Father asked, "Why do we all need to go? We do not need much."

Marcus consulted his smart phone. "Because my sources tell me that the pack will be at the Port Angeles store in two hours. We can't let them shop alone, now can we?" I had no idea how Marcus had learned that, but consulted my wolf-vine, and sure enough, they were planning on going later. "Is that true, Edward?"

"It is."

"I love that you can use your gift with them," Jasper rubbed his hands together in glee. "That makes them spies without even realizing it. It's almost too easy." True. So true.

This could be fun.

Marcus said, "I think the boys could use a wardrobe change. Aro, you have some extra shirts do you not?" Aro smiled and snapped his fingers, "Felix, fetch some shirts for the boys. They're in the back of the third car." I thought the black nail polish Aro had put on his fingernails was a creepy touch. He looked like he had escaped from a Black Sabbath reunion tour.

Mary Alice came into the room and laughed. "I think this is a marvelous idea. Aro, those leather chaps are too much - even for Wal-Mart. Try these black jeans instead."

Aro pouted and said, "Of course, dear girl, what would I do without you."

He went to the guest bathroom to change. Thank God. I had seen enough of that man naked for five lifetimes. And the sight of his manhood might make Emmett faint. Not that it would be possibly. Was it possible for vampires to perish from penis envy?

I had refrained from adding that Aro looked like something out of a gay biker bar when wearing the chaps. If Aro didn't have a mate, and a debauched reputation with women, I would seriously wonder about him. Not that there was anything wrong with that, mind you. I heard Aro deciding to try his look out on the slobbering newborns that he had doing training exercises in the back yard.

He walked among them and was immediately mobbed by his adoring slobbering children. The woman with safety pins in her nose whined, "When can we go see a concert? Judas Priest forever! Metallica rules! I want to go see Iron Maiden!"

Aro canted his head to one side and said, "Who is Judas Priest? Did we turn him? And that person Metallica, my dear child, does not rule anything. We do. We are the Volturi, remember?"

"Oh," the newborn stammered.

"But if you are good and do your lessons well, we do have an iron maiden in the dungeon in Italy that I'd be delighted to let you see."

Marcus walked to the back door, opened it, and called out, "Oh Aro, step away from the newborns for a moment. We need you."

We all blinked at the sight that sauntered through the doorway. Aro said, "My darling boys. Alice has done wonders. Now the wolves will all believe we worship the dark lord."

I had an AC/DC shirt that was, of course, black. Jasper wore the painted face of Ozzy Osborne across his chest. That make up job alone was enough to induce nightmares. And Emmett had on a shirt for the group Kiss. Father held up a hand studying his Iron Maiden t-shirt and said, "I think I'll allow the boys to be the focus of attention. I prefer my own clothing."

Spoil sport.

Marcus said, "You must blend in with us if we're going to have the right effect. Alice, go help your father with his wardrobe."

Alice dragged Carlisle away, "Come on, you. We'll have you looking disreputable in no time."

I often forgot that physically Carlisle was so young. He's been turned in his early twenties.

When he returned, Alice had him dressed in a Van Halen t-shirt - a tight one that showed off his muscles, so said my sister. He had on jeans and leather boots. It certainly made him look different.

Marcus had purchased a fleet of Black SUV's, and we all piled into one of them and drove to our local Wal-Mart - which was all the way in Port Angeles. We alighted from our vehicle at the same time as the wolves got out of theirs. Jacob's car had proved to be too toxic. So they now were piled into a 1986 Gremlin that whimpered when they heaved their bulk out of it. Given their height and weight, they looked so strange with that vehicle. A few shoppers kept searching for the camera crew for the reality prank show that they were sure was being filmed.

Sam nodded at us gruffly from across the parking lot and told the others, "Move it."

"They're here," Paul whined, crossing himself.

"So what?" Jacob boasted and slapped his fist into his open palm in a display he thought intimidating. "We can take them."

"Excuse me, twinkletoes," Sam barked, "you don't get to decide what the pack does. I do. Stay civil and keep your eyes off of them. Their kind needs to shop, too."

How evolved of him.

Using my gift, I read Sam's thoughts, _"Damn Jacob. That punk keeps trying to undermine my authority. I'm going to have to smack him around to keep him in line."_

Well, that could prove useful. At vampire pitch, once the wolves were far enough away to be out of range, I told Marcus, "Sam is irritated at Jacob. He appears to feel threatened by him."

Carlisle said, "Well, from a hereditary perspective, Jacob should be the alpha. I'm not sure why Sam is."

I closed my eyes and consulted the wolf mind. "Sam was the first one to phase. That automatically pushed him up the ranks to the alpha. Jacob was one of the last to phase. Sam is worried that Jacob might try to wrest power from him."

"That would be bad if he did. Jake's an idiot." Jasper observed.

"Agreed." Marcus nodded. "But not for us. An idiot is far easier to control."

"Let's proceed, shall we?" Aro chirped, "We have shopping to do and minds to corrupt. And I need to buy music for my children. They've been training so hard. I must reward them. I hope this store has a decent music collection."

We passed a group of teenagers adorned in vintage 80's metal bands t-shirts. One said, "Rock on, old dude!" to Aro. If only he knew. He fist bumped Aro as they passed.

"Such curious greeting customs these young humans have," Aro said in his peculiar dialect of Italian.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart," an elderly man handed Marcus and Aro a leaflet.

"What is this?" Aro examined it.

"Oh, is this your first time shopping here?" The man asked. "I'm Burt."

"Yes, it is. I am Aro Volturi. I am pleased to make your acquaintance." Truth be told, Aro should have added it was his first time shopping this millennium. He shook Burt's hand carefully.

"We have a virgin!" The man bellowed to the other greeters. How did they _know_? Was it that obvious?

"_Shut your mouth, Edward,"_ Emmett thought to me, _"before you make a fool out of yourself. That means that Aro has never shopped here before. They aren't talking about you. Look calm. Stop gawping." He clapped me on the back. _Thank God for my brother.

Jasper had picked up on my confusion and panic and bit his lip to keep from laughing. I glared at him. I couldn't wait to lose my virginity with my wife. Because then they'd stop teasing me about being one for a century. Maybe.

"Dear," did your wife give you a shopping list?" One elderly woman approached us with a benign smile, "I'd be happy to help you find things. I know this store inside and out."

"How kind of you." Aro bared his teeth in a cherubic grin. The woman stepped back, uncertain. Humans did find us off-putting when their survival instincts kicked in.

"I have been here before, thank you madam," Father assured her. "We do not need many things."

"If you need any help you know where to find us," She shuffled away in her orthopedic shoes towards the sale racks.

Emmett fetched a shopping cart. "Well, what do we need?"

Father said, "Marcus helped me come up with the list."

The wolves were about twenty feet in front of us now, buying two-for-one packets of peanut butter and packets of athletic tube socks off of the weekly special aisle. What did they do, eat their socks? They looked like they were trying to clothe the newborn army.

"Do you want to divide the list?" Jasper, ever the model of efficiency, asked.

"We should stay together." Marcus looked positively vindictive now.

"Fine. Where to?" Emmett asked.

"We need to purchase condoms," Father said just loud enough that the wolves could hear.

Jasper played dumb. "Why? We never use them."

"Diseases are up in the sexually active population – both male and female – so having them is a good idea for . . ." his voice trailed off suggestively.

"Oh!" Emmett all but bellowed, "Got it. Yeah, wouldn't want to get caught with THAT problem. Rose would kill me and try to cut godzilla off."

He cupped his hands protectively over his crotch. Who named their manly parts godzilla? Really. Why not something impressive like Leviathan. Or Zeus? Godzilla was green and a lizard. Not something I'd want associated with sex if I was a female.

"Holy shit!" Jake said thinking we could not hear him, "They're fucking around on their wives."

The imbecile all but danced a jig in front of their basket he was so excited. He continued his foray into stupidity in his thoughts._ "I am so telling Bella the first chance I get. There's no way she'd hang out with a bunch of cheaters."_

Paul crossed himself and shared a disgusted glance with Embry. _"Adultery is a sin."_ Paul mentally pontificated. _"But the children are living in sin, too since I don't think they're married."_

The imbecile- Jacob, that is- continued his mental march toward mediocrity._ "What if Edward is cheating on her?" _He turned to glance at me. I, of course, batted my eyelashes at Aro. Marcus, too.

Aro's lips twitched. He thought to me, _"Is that Jacob as foolish as I think he is?"_

"Worse," I answered in Italian. I mean, for crying out loud. I was a demon. Over a century old. And he was trying to out-think me? This was the mental equivalent of a minnow nibbling on a grizzly bear's toes.

"_We're in America, for crying out loud. Why don't they just speak English,"_ Paul mentally grumbled. _"Oh wait. Those two are the Satan worshippers. And the other Cullen boys look like they've gone over to the dark side. Everyone knows AC/DC stands for Against Christ Devil's Children."_ Paul began to panic as he stared at Marcus' t-shirt. _"What if they are casting a spell?"_

I made sure that I reached for a can of peanuts so that my shirt sleeve rode up my arm revealing my pentagram at supernatural speed. Paul's eyes bugged out of his head.

"The mark," he hissed to Sam, while blanching an awesome shade of parchment.

"Huh?" Sam wondered what Paul was getting hysterical about.

"I saw the mark of_ Satan_ on his arm." Paul whispered just a little too loud and started fingering the cross at his neck. Several shoppers glared at the wolves and steered their carts away when they heard the word "Satan," coming from his lips.

"Paul, my friend, you need to lay off the religion. You are not possessed by Edward or his friend."

"I need to pray to Jesus for guidance."

"Do that, but in your head."

We meandered our way through the store grabbing random products essentially trailing after the wolves and trying not to be too obvious about it. Jasper added in two butternut squashes, "I like the way they are bent," he stage whispered.

Jake nearly squealed when Emmett added in a few thick cucumbers. "What?" Emmett blinked, "I'm nearly out. I have needs. They mold quickly from body heat." Not that we had body heat, but that didn't occur to the pack.

Jake smirked, _"I knew that dude packed his pants. What a moron for using a cucumber." _he tossed into the air his plastic package of socks, _"Everyone knows you use tube socks."_

One wondered why Jake would be staring at the crotches of other men. Was penis envy a condition that purported men could suffer from as well? If so, Jacob had a raging case of it.

We needed to buy some human food, so picked up things from Mother's list, lots of pasta, and whole grain bread, and spaghetti sauce. Aro went into hysterics over buying the most authentic spaghetti sauce seeing as they were Italian. Not that they had ever eaten it since pasta didn't show up until the 8th century AD, and tomato sauce in 1839. But still. They had their pride.

The real fun happened when we reached the pharmaceutical section of the store. The wolves were buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, and antifungal odor eating foot powder - not that it would help. We, on the other hand, caused eyebrows to raise when we all grabbed several boxes of condoms and tossed them in the basket, clearly outnumbering the food supplies.

"Get some of each type. We'll need plenty," Father said, emptying the rack in front of him.

"Damn, what are they planning an orgy?" Sam muttered.

All Jacob needed to hear was _orgy _and his filthy mind began spiralling out of control. _"Jeez wait till I tell Bella! She'll dump Edward in a heartbeat. What if all the guys are getting it on with other women and worshipping Satan at the same time? And now I know what their animals are really for. They're clearly freaky like that."_

Using a conversational tone, I thought it only fair that I repeat Jacob's thoughts in a dialect of Italian old enough that no one in the store could possibly understand it save the creaky vamps and my family.

"Jasper," Marcus smirked, "I think you should give Emmett a few lustful glances. Be sure to stare at the posterior of a few males while you are at it."

"Yes, sir." Jasper chortled. He gave a leer at Emmett at supernatural speed and blasted a bit of lust in the pack's direction.

Sam thought, _"I think these guys need a room. I never knew they swung that way. Poor Bella. Wait. Are alll vamps bi?"_ The humans around were oblivious. They thought that nice Cullen family was out providing for their poor orphaned adopted sons. Who clearly had way too much sex.

My phone rang. It was Bella. "Hello, Bella." Ten feet in front of me, Jacob's ears perked up. This was going to be so much fun.

"Hi, Edward, the talk with my Dad went okay. He promises to behave. Alice dragged me shopping in Port Angeles. Save me. Where are you?"

"I am shopping."

"For what? You hate shopping."

I lowered my voice to a deeper pitch that I knew Bella enjoyed. "Not in this case. You could safely say that I am devoted."

"Okay, this I've gotta hear. What are you shopping for?"

"Condoms. I am at the Wal-Mart in Port Angeles."

"Would you like company?"

"I believe I would."

"Alice and I will be right there."

Aro waited just until Jake was eyeing us to pat and squeeze my ass at supersonic speed. "Hurry up, the dark Master awaits our next offering. We must prepare our dear virgin for the ceremony." He licked his lips. Douglas, who decided to make an appearance, was sitting on Aro's shoulder, waving his tail at Jake.

Jake ran. He planned on warning Bella as soon as he got home that we intended on sacrificing her to Satan. Idiot.

Douglas gave chase. He waited until Jake was in the produce section to cannon ball into a display of walnuts, sending them rolling in an avalanche to the floor under Jacob's mammoth sized feet. This caused Jake to conveniently wipe out, arms windmilling, and land with undignified shrieking into a stand of very ripe tomatoes. Which in turn caused on matron to shriek and point at Douglas, "RATS!" Which in turn caused a stampede of patrons abandoning their carts and trampling over Jacob in their haste to leave. Frick and Frack, my raccoon friends showed up with a broken bottle of cooking wine. Frack poured it over the stunned Jacob. As he sat up, my two rabble rousers ran away and were lost in the confusion.

Well, since Jacob had already bathed himself in the cure for skunk odor, I thought it was only fair, for scientific purposes, of course, that we test whether or not this did indeed make him smell less putrid if stenched. And I had a whole line of volunteers that came running out of the woods hiding in the parking lot waiting for their chance to unleash hell. They had been rather indignant when I had told them about Jake's inappropriate mental images of my mate and plans to seduce her.

Bella picked that moment to show up and witness the chaos. She stood just past the store entrance watching the chaos in the produce section with her hand over her gaping mouth.

Jake's eyes narrowed as he saw Douglas. He decided that it was the squirrel's fault he was covered in wine. Moron. Clearly it was the raccoons' fault. Couldn't he tell his wildlife apart? Jake licked the wine from his lips, wiped at his face and gingerly stood up.

I started humming, "Jesus Loves Me," and Paul immediately recalled that I had redone they lyrics to say, "Yes, Dark Master loves meeeeee." He started singing the words which caused patrons to shy away from him. Sam elbowed him in the side to get him to stop.

Douglas took advantage of the chaos to run up the barrel that held golden delicious apples and use it as a platform to dive in Bella's purse, which she quickly closed.

I waved at her to get her attention from the dog and approached her with all due speed. I couldn't have her trampled. Or ogled by that toad.

"I heard Edward and Aro planning on sacrificing you to Satan."

Bella said, "How hard did you hit your head, Jake? And," she sniffed, "have you been drinking?"

Jacob saw Bella's ring and completely forgot about saving her life. He blurted, "You're engaged?"

I threw an arm around her and grinned at him while saying at vampire pitch, "Upset her and I'll tear you to pieces. Sam will let me after your latest behavior."

Sam actually nodded at me and said, "What's up, Edward? Jake, behave." Aloud Sam called to Bella, "Congratulations!"

Paul looked like he was going to hyperventilate. _"That poor innocent girl!" _Paul thought,_ "Those bastards are going to sacrifice her to Satan. I just know it!"_

At wolf pitch, Jacob spat, "Fucker, this means war. I'm not giving her up without a fight." To Bella, he oozed charm, "Hey, Dad really misses you. He's been sick lately. What say to celebrate your engagement, we have a get together over at my place? I'll cook. Next Saturday work for you?" I refrained from snorting. But only just.

Jasper and Emmett said, "Bull shit," at supernatural pitch.

Bella seemed uncertain. "Um, it feels kind of weird celebrating my engagement when my fiancé can't attend his own party."

Following Marcus' plan, I said, "Don't mind me, dearest. I know that you and Jacob are friends and need some time together before we leave for college and our new life. I'll be happy to drop you off and pick you up."

Jacob grinned and said, "Well, isn't that nice of you?"

"Jake," Bella warned. "Behave." She put her head against my chest and whispered, "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Of course. I trust you." What? I did. It was totally true.

"Okay, I'll be there," Bella said.

"Please excuse us," I asked Jake while leading my blushing bride away, "Bella and I have some shopping to do."

I took the cart filled with condoms and assorted foodstuffs and pushed it away. I leaned over to kiss Bella briefly, which drove Jacob insane.

"Edward, do we need all those condoms?" Bella whispered.

"I plan on putting them to very good use." I promised her.

Bella's eyes widened and she mischievously asked, "Can we move the wedding up? I plan on holding you to that."

Jacob cursed a blue stream when he saw her pat me on the backside. My mate. She just fondled me in public. Who knew? I should go condom shopping more often.

Jacob Black, you're about ready to become a footnote in Bella's life.

Bella leaned over and kissed me, "What say we head back to your place? I could use a nap."

I gave the cart to Marcus and said, "We'll see you at home." I could not get out of that store fast enough. I hummed _Jesus Loves Me_ as we passed the wolves.

My phone chirped. I checked it to find a message from Tanya.

"On our way, hot stuff. Cannot wait to see you."

**Please review. Edward is winking at you.**

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><p>References are posted on my profile.<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven - The Scent of a Woman**

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

**Song for this chapter - Love Stinks - J. Geils Band**

**AN: If you don't have Cullenary Coupling on alert, even though the story is complete, I've been adding outtakes to it. Also, if you have your PM's disabled, I can't respond to your review. **

**As ever, thanks to LJ Summers for her Highlighter of Doom, amazing beta skills, and snark on the side. Many thanks to Twitina and MamaBean for the pre-reading.**

****This chapter contains positively pornographic snark and a reference to underaged illegal drug use. Drugs are wrong. I am not endorsing their use in any way. Enough said. *****

**Snarky Summary: Marcus has placed Aro in charge of Victoria's army, to keep him out of trouble and haze him on the side. Aro has had a Dark Side makeover. Jacob, who is working that, "I'm your best friend," card for all it is worth has expressed the desire to spend more alone time with Bella. As part of his evil plan, Edward has decided to be supportive of this venture. Edward and Aro has been convincing the wolves that they really think Satan is all kinds of awesome. Jake had a bad run in with some wildlife a time or five. Tanya and her sisters are on their way. But they aren't here yet. (Next chapter.) And with that, let us begin.**

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><p>Bella wanted to spend more time around the shapeshifters, due to that timely invitation by my least favorite skunk-magnet Jacob Black, and this created conflict. We needed her to understand that – for her physical well-being! – she was going to be accompanied any time she was around the wolves. Much to my chagrin, I quickly learned that Bella did not respond well when the word "forbid" was thrown in to <em>any<em> sentence involving her behavior. And worse, if the word "order" was used in the same sentence with any wolf's name, she retorted that I had better be referring to Chinese take-out because nobody but her father got to order her around. She became even angrier if "insist" or "for your own protection" were used, ranting that she had managed to survive just fine using her own judgment when Victoria was after her and I and my family were gone. My dear little deranged one seemed to think the condition that we had found her in was satisfactory. I should probably talk to Carlisle about adjusting her anxiety medication to a lower dose. Clearly, she was so mellow, medically speaking, that it was making her reckless. I should know. I was a doctor. Twice. Being completely professional. Stop laughing.

Her temper was a sight to behold. Her right cheek would twitch, she would narrow her eyes and glare. Even worse, her clothing stayed on. No more bathing together. Rats. But the nightly parade of lingerie continued. She knew how to play dirty. The part of me that was not dying of blue balls admired her braggadocio. My dear little death-defying one was driving me insane; although for the record, she reached The Cliffs of Insanity first.

It irritated me to no end that she did not appreciate the danger that a new werewolf presented to her, dismissing my legitimate concerns with an airy wave of her hand and a sound of, "Pfft, I'm fine." I didn't want to control her. I just wanted to keep her safe, in spite of her complete lack of self-preservation. I mean, we were talking about a human who regularly kissed a semi-reformed mass-murdering vampire. She had no _sense_ of what constituted danger. And due to the pack of out of work strippers - I mean the wolf pack loitering around,- I could not set foot on Quileute land without all supernatural hell breaking loose. Bella being around young wolves was intolerable. In addition to that whole could-die-forever-and-ever-amen problem, she could also go _blind_ from Jacob's spray tan. Someone had to look out for her welfare. It was the adult thing to do. That meant I had to get rid of Jacob Black before he did something delusional — like order wedding invitations for him and Bella. His thoughts had him all but married to her within months. What a moron. His overconfidence bordered on the ludicrous.

And I needed her earnest, most-definitely-in-vain-suitor Jacob to know, without inflicting direct bodily harm – alas – that Bella would not be marrying anyone. Except for me. Of course. Sometimes life was just so unfair. Why couldn't I, like any other self-respecting demon, kill the man that threatened the heart and soul of my beloved? Right. Because that would hurt her. The things I did for love. So began what my family jokingly called "the stench wars."

The odor from this pack of wolves was even worse than it had been all those years ago. It would have made our eyes water if that were possible. It literally was enough to do the near- impossible and make a vampire's stomach turn. And much to our surprise, we had the exact same effect on the dogs to the exact degree. I discovered, from infiltrating the pack mind, that our scent to them was overwhelmingly sweet, burning their nostrils and making their eyes water as well. Unlike us, however, they could get sick and occasionally - much to my entertainment - be overwhelmed by a pocket of scent and vomit.

So when Bella insisted on seeing Jacob at his fake-engagement party, I did the only thing I could to let him know he could look but not touch, since urinating on her to mark my territory was not a gentlemanly option. The predator in me needed to make a statement to the dog. A statement that would hopefully induce vomiting, a time or three. And if I did this right, possibly an epic temper tantrum or five. I might not really pray to the Dark Master, but I could certainly channel him when necessary. Besides, with Marcus and Aro helping me, that really was the equivalent of having my own personal Satan and his lead minion as wise counselors.

The first foray into the war of the odors happened when Jacob called and asked Bella if she wanted to go shopping. What the devil? Bella detested shopping. Traipsing about through the young Mr. Black's addled brain proved fruitful. Jacob had found what he thought was the perfect plan to get her attention. He wanted to have her help him purchase tight jeans for his posterior. This man gave Narcissus a run for his money in the self-centered contest. He even waxed his chest for the occasion in some revolting ritual he called "manscaping."

"Are you sure that you don't mind dropping me off? I can always drive there, you know."

"I love being with you. It's my pleasure to take you to meet your friend." I managed to say that with convincing sincerity and zero amounts of vomiting.

Bella said, "We need to get going in a few if we're going to meet them on time."

"Fine. I'm going to miss you." I held her in my arms and gave her a passionate kiss like I knew she loved. Wanting her to remember whom she came home to, I used my tongue to trace the outline of her lips, knowing that it drove her insane with desire. I smiled when I heard her whimper. Kissing her the way that I did had the added advantage to leaving my scent noticeably on her lips; so if the dog tried to kiss her he'd get a mouthful of me. Okay, that sounded bad. I'm talking stenchtastically speaking.

"Gosh Edward, when you kiss me like that, I don't ever want to leave."

Take that, Jacob Black with your man boobs. I suppose he did have an advantage having them. When he was old, he'd have a convenient, albeit droopy, bath plug.

I sighed and kissed the top of her head. "Well, I will try to restrain myself. Are you ready to go?" I even stooped to adding in a furtive caress or two on her upper back as I made my signature move. I pulled her into my chest, tucking her little head under my chin and exhaled my scent all over her, keeping my face impassive but dancing for joy in my mind. I literally stood there for a good thirty seconds ensuring that she was coated and basically supernaturally dripping with my essence. Not that kind of essence. Pervert. My _scent_. From my breath.

We were standing in the living room. Marcus was out back with the newborns, teaching them how to wrestle. He had told Aro that making them perform Tai Chi for hours likely proved boring to them and that they needed some stimulation to burn off that excess energy without resorting to a full on riot. So they were in the back yard, with an enthusiastic Volturi guard and Jasper and Emmett watching Marcus give hell to a gangly punk from Portland.

Aro had taken to wearing wire rim sunglasses with round lenses. He looked like John Lennon meets Ozzy Osborne on crack. He was dressed all in black again. This time he sported a Rage Against the Machine long sleeved sweatshirt.

Aro shouted at the punk, "What is this? You're a _newborn_! You have all that fresh blood in you! Fight like a newborn!" Marcus was easily holding the man despite his struggles. The newborn grunted and flopped about like a trapped fish on land.

Demetri sniffed, "If we were in Italy, this group would have been disposed of weeks ago."

Jasper glared through smiling teeth. One of the more adept newborns actually managed to understand Demetri's Italian and began to whimper.

"But it's not," Jasper said, "And it's _Aro's_ call. Which means you should be helping them learn how to fight."

Aro clapped his hands together. "An excellent idea, dear Jasper! Children," he had taken to thinking of the newborns as his children. God help them. "You must all look at Jasper and Felix and Demetri. They will teach you how to glare like a professional, like a true Volturi guard." Felix growled at the newborns like a proper vampire should. Five of them started weeping like infants. Sadly, they were all older men. The women looked frightened and impressed and, God help them, aroused.

Jasper beamed calm at them. On that cue, his mate crooked her finger, signaling that it was time to leave for their _hunting excursion_.

"Aro, my mate requires feeding. Please excuse me." Without waiting for an answer, Jasper sprinted to his wife.

We were all so preoccupied, no one saw it coming until it was too late. We had four innocent humans in two groups approaching the house. First, we had the nice missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who rode bicycles all over town and had exceptional manners. Behind them, trailed a rather bitter pair of Jehovah's Witnesses - bitter because their rivals were converting more to their religion. The wind shifted. Three of the newborns' noses began to twitch. Their thoughts immediately became overwhelmed with the desire to feed.

I said to Bella, "Do not leave my side, no matter what."

"Got it."

"Aro, we need to secure the newborns; we have visitors not of our church."

"Not many people worship the Dark Master, Edward. Unfortunately." Aro looked mournful.

When I said 'not of our church,' I wasn't referring to religion. "I mean that they are _tasty_ to your charges," I replied in their dialect of Italian.

"Oh. Dear. Children!" Aro started clapping his hands for attention.

I used my gift to track our approaching visitors, two young gentlemen who had been by the house before: Elder Thompson and Elder Weekes. Although who would name their sons Elder confused me. Why not Younger? Taller? Smarter? Regardless, Mother had a soft spot for them. She always fed them cookies and lemonade.

Elder Thompson said, "Rats. Those Jehovah's Witnesses are stalking us again. I swear they think we are in competition. It's sad."

Elder Weekes sighed and said, "Let's concentrate on the mission."

"Right. What's that noise?"

"Sounds like they are playing games in the back yard. They have children a little younger than we are. We should try to meet them." If only he knew.

Elder Weekes straightened his tie and rang the doorbell.

Neither one of them noticed the group of newborns running at them with arms outstretched.

In the lead were eight newborns. Six of those were women of the non-crying variety and they had learned just fine from Felix how to look scary. Too bad our visitors were oblivious to their impending doom. Behind them came Felix, Demetri, and eleven of Marcus' soldiers.

Marcus waved at a few of his soldiers that loitered nearby just as the first newborn shrieked and dashed in the direction of the front of the house. All the rest gave chase. I was the fastest runner, yet, I couldn't leave Bella. But this was our house and killing an innocent human, much less four of them, could force us to have to move, not to mention be unpleasant for the aforementioned human. Father was upstairs reading. I yelled for Emmett and Rosalie. Mother came from her study. I said to Bella, "Stay with Mother, please. I don't need to worry about your safety right now."

Then I ran for the missionaries' lives. I went straight through the house, opened the front door, greeted both with an, "I beg your pardon," because my mother raised me right, and yanked both men inside by their buttoned-down collars and deposited them on a nearby bench.

Bellowing, I leaped with arms outstretched into the mass of shrieking newborns. It looked like a scene from a zombie movie.

I dove for the newborn leading the charge and tackled her, knocking her into the seven behind her. They all went plowing to the ground. I landed on top of the girl I thought of as my sister Alice's evil twin: dark hair, slight build, similar haircut with absolutely no fashion sense. Her shirt was torn. I needed to come up with some reasonable excuse quick. Mother and Bella and Elder Weekes and Elder Thompson were at the front door, bug-eyed.

Elder Weekes babbled, "He lifted us both in the air like we were children."

Well, compared to me, they are. Children. His partner asked, "Mrs. Cullen, what are you feeding them?"

She couldn't very well answer, "Human blood for now, but we hope to switch to deer soon," now could she? Too messy to explain without having to chomp either man on the neck. The Jehovah's Witnesses stood well away from the carnage.

One said to the other, "Myrtle, these people are beyond our help. They are engaging in public sex. Look!"

She pointed an accusing finger. At me. I straddled one squirming young lady who kept chanting. "Mine, Mine, Mine. Give it to me! Now!" It didn't help matters that from their angle of observation, it looked like the shrieking newborn was tugging at my belt.

"Honey," Mother called, "What are you doing?"

I could see from her thoughts that I had the deer in the headlights expression. Like the coward I was, I took the first available excuse I could think of. I saw a scrap of red under my hand and held it aloft.

"I'm playing capture the flag. I won."

Easily distracted creatures, the newborns started cheering for me. "He won!"

Bella covered her mouth. Mother did her best to keep a straight face. Elder Weekes covered Elder Thompson's eyes. The Jehovah's witnesses screamed, turned tail, and left their magazines behind in their haste to scurry off our private property.

I then realized the scrap of fabric I had in my hand was half of Alice's evil twin's brassiere. I yelped and stuffed it in my pocket.

Marcus mentally said to me, "Act like everything is perfectly normal, Edward. Stand up, offer a hand to the lady and then cover her with your jacket." Marcus was the man. I did as he instructed.

Aro took Alice's evil twin by the hand and crooned. "There, there, dear. Let's see about getting you some proper clothing. I think we have another change of clothes for you."

"Can I wear all black like you?"

"Why, of course, my angel."

"Master Aro, do I _have_ to wear a bra?"

Mother said firmly, "Yes, she most certainly does."

Aro sighed and patted the young woman's hand. Once he was out of hearing range of the front door, he said, "I think it would be appropriate, dear. All the human women do."

"Then can it be black?"

"We will see what we can do. Walk this way." He led her to one of the guest cottages. Who knew having bad fashion sense could turn into a gift?

Father picked that time to show up and save my neck. "Gentlemen! Welcome! I was so looking forward to talking with you this week. Would you mind coming into my study? I would love to discuss theology with you." Charmer, that one.

Elder Weekes thought, _"Gosh, those Cullens have a houseful of teenagers. Where do they put all of them?"_

Mother hissed at us, "Behave, you all," and followed the men into the study. She shut the door. Thank God.

Rosalie waited until the missionaries were out of earshot and stuck her hand in my – oh my stars – front pocket and retrieved the scrap of fabric with a snarl. "Smooth move, jerk." Wasn't that an oxymoron? My sister had just almost touched my junk. I needed to go sterilize my body. Now. I was surprised they didn't shrivel up and fall off.

Rosalie sniped, "Is she going to meet that dog?" at vampire pitch.

"She is."

"So that's why you've soaked her in your scent?" She smirked.

Perhaps I smirked. Fine. I totally did. "Guilty."

"I think you can do better than that."

"What? How?"

Rosalie said to Emmett. "We need to hug Bella." I would have been tempted to claim that my sister had crossed over to the Dark Side, had it not been for the fact that she was showing affection to Bella for spite's sake.

Emmett said, "Cool with me."

Both of them went over and Rosalie actually sounded sincere when she exclaimed, "Oh Bella, I was so scared when I saw that pack of vampires coming straight for you. Thank goodness you're safe."

"I'd hate to have to crush any of them. Glad you're okay." Emmett picked her up and patted her back.

"Thanks, guys. I'm fine."

Bella took the hugs from my sister and Emmett well. So Marcus decided he needed to hug her, too. My beloved now was a walking vampire stench bomb, and she had no idea what we were doing. The newborns loitering around asked if they could hug Bella. They wanted to do more than hug her. Cretins. I growled at them. And they backed away.

"Ready?" Bella asked, glancing at her watch.

"So, where am I taking you?"

"Jacob needs my help buying jeans. He says he has a girl he wants to impress." Right. Asshole. He needs help, but not finding jeans. Lots of help. Professional help. Speaking of help, I might possibly have given Gus and Douglas a lift. They were hiding on the floor in the back seat. What? Even I needed friends in my time of need. And right now, I definitely needed their assistance. For moral purposes. Of course.

I dropped her off at a local shopping center that had the pack loitering in front of it. Then I drove a few blocks away, out of the scenting range of the wolves, to wait for my love. Douglas and Gus scampered into Bella's seat. Both looked at me and wondered why I was here and Bella over there. Good question.

"I have to wait for them to finish shopping. But you can go do whatever you desire to Jake."

Both fled through the open window, racing each other. An owl decided to get in on the fun. Jake had tried to shoot her with an arrow. She owed him.

The latest information from the pack mind made me laugh out loud. Smelling Bella absolutely repulsed them. She waved back at me from across the parking lot before turning to meet Jake. The wind decided to shift, blowing a waft across the wolves.

I heard multiple mental cries of, _"Jesus Christ, how does she stand it?"_ followed by a chorus of, _"She doesn't even look bothered and she stinks!"_

"Sam, I think it's Satan that is making her smell like that," Paul declared. "We should sprinkle her with holy water and burn sage over her."

"No." Sam replied.

"But -" Sam covered Paul's mouth. "She's coming closer. Hold your breath."

They kept their distance from her, bounding in the other direction as if a skunk were running amok perfuming with deadly aim at everyone with her odor. Bella, of course, my dear sweet girlfriend, had no idea they were avoiding her.

Sam snarled at Jake, "Make our excuses. This is your problem." He waved at Bella with a cheery grin, pulled Paul by the back of his shirt, and all the wolves scrambled into the car and drove away.

With watering eyes Jake said, "Sorry, Bells, the others had to leave for patrol."

"_Jeez," _Jake thought, _"How the heck am I going to kiss her? She freaking stinks like a bleach factory exploded. Hey wait, I have an idea." _

Inspired by Paul's comment, Jacob had to go and decide that the best way to get rid of Bella's odor was to smoke it out. Literally. But not with sage. Despite the fact that he was sitting on a planter in front of a busy shopping center, he whipped out a marijuana joint and patted his pockets looking for his lighter.

Bella snapped, "Jake, what the _heck_ are you doing?" She snatched the lighter out of his hand. "That's illegal!"

"No worries. I do it all the time. No one has ever said a word! Want some?"

"Um, my dad would totally kill me. And just because you haven't been caught, doesn't make it okay."

"Relax! It's legal if you're being treated for repression."

"I think you mean depression. And you aren't being treated for that."

"Says who? I'd like to see the police prove that." Jake stuck his chin out at the perfect angle for the owl. Who picked that moment and swooped down while Jake was distracted trying not to vomit. My partner in clearing up crime snatched the joint right from his mouth. Bella clapped a hand over her face and laughed as Jake cursed words I am too well mannered to repeat.

The owl felt her work was done and dropped the joint at Douglas and Gus' feet. Douglas peered at it curiously. Gus lifted it up, sniffed, and munched on the end. I managed to convey to him that he shouldn't eat all of that. So he decided to give a bit for Douglas to nibble. Lovely. They liked it. Now I was going to have two stoned animals.

Jake wailed, "Fucking animals took my shit. I've got another one, I think." Jake patted his back pockets. Bella looked for me, nodded her head, and said, "Jake, I need to go. I'm sorry I can't stay."

Jake was relieved. "That's okay. I'm not feeling so hot." He then sucked in a lungful of air and hugged Bella. As quickly as possible, she walked away from him and came to the car. Douglas and Gus chased after her.

"At least she'll go back stinking," Jake sniped.

_Two_ could play that game, _sonny boy_, I decided with a smirk. It was time to move to the next phase. Meanwhile, I had two soon-to-be-stoned animals to care for that were doing the equivalent of giggling in the back of the car. Life was good. And about to get better.

**Tanya wants you to know that shopping takes time, darlings. She will be showing up next chapter. Gus and Douglas are making the peace sign at you. Please review. They're hungry. **


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free servings of snark. And to pomme_de_terre for the pre-reading and general awesomeness.**

**Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing.**

**Two characters in this chapter were inspired by Kristin Hazzard and TwiHusband.**

**Quick AN about Tanya: Tanya teases Edward in this story - but she's not after him. She has accepted that he's in love with Bella and just likes giving the man a hard time. If she didn't support their relationship, she wouldn't be taking the time to visit Charlie. **

**Snarky Summary: Sorry about the time between posting. RL got crazy and Tanya was being difficult. So . . . last chapter Edward attempted to put his foot down about Bella's safety. _Foot _being the operative word. Bella is not amused. She doesn't seem to understand that everything Edward does (Fake sacrificing animals to Satan, shopping at Wal-Mart) is for her benefit. What? Stop snorting. Deviants. Edward drops Bella off on a shopping excursion and marks his territory so Jake will know once and for all that she is HIS. I mean, off limits. I mean engaged. Yeah, that's it. So no kissing, Skunk Ventura. The pack get one whiff of her and despite them being supernatural bad-asses and all, run shrieking like little girls in terror from Bella. Cowards. Jake turns to pot as a coping mechanism for the vamp-stench that emanates from Bella. Gus and Douglas decide to interfere with that great plan. What can I say? They got the munchies. It happens. *snorts* Now we have two stoned animals. But relax. They didn't inhale. Really. *blinks* Bill Clinton would be proud. *wipes away venom tear.***

**The Cullens have heavenly visitors in the form of two different pairs of missionaries from differing denominations. The newborns almost take a bite out of the divine. To save the missionaries, Edward starts tearing clothing. Except it's not Bella's. Or his. Alas. Alack. But for the record, he was in the missionary position at the time. So that counts for something. Right? *runs* At least his *clears throat* heart is in the right place. Sorta. Kinda. **

**Things you need to remember from past chapters are as follows. Edward is following Marcus' master plan to win Bella away from that scum-sucking weed huffing toad Jacob Black. Tanya has offered to bring her sisters and pay Charlie a visit to um . . . welcome him to the family. And pay him back for making Bella cry. She's awesome that way. Gus and Douglas and assorted animals have been helping Edward. As our story begins, we find Edward sitting in his car accompanied by his stoned minions. **

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><p><strong>Chapter Twelve – You Dropped A Bomb on Me<strong>

Sitting in my car, my disillusioned woman at my side, I reflected on how awesome my life was. Not everyone had friends, furry ones, that were kind enough to munch marijuana. For spiteful purposes. I mean that was a gateway drug, for crying out loud. They risked turning into junkies. For me. Now that is friendship above and beyond the call of duty.

Gus and Douglas were singing to each other in the back seat. I'm not sure what, and it was decidedly off-key. But they seemed to be having a jolly good time.

"Edward, I'm worried about them," Bella peered over her shoulder at the back seat.

"Why?"

"You saw them eat drugs. And the singing."

"Well, yes. I did. What about the singing bothers you?"

"They're humming Metallica."

Right. That. They must have been hanging around Aro too long. I never listened to Metallica. Unlike Aro, I had taste. I turned up the classical music on the radio.

Douglas and Gus were leaning against each other, beatific smiles on their faces.

I sighed. "We need to take them to a vet."

"In Forks? How do you plan on doing that without us both getting arrested by my dad?"

"Why would he be arresting us?"

"How would we explain two animals high on marijuana, Edward?" Silly Bella. Tricks are for vampires. We'd totally blame Jacob. Of course. Not that I could tell her that ahead of time. But still. It was the thought that counted.

"Relax." I kissed her forehead. "I happen to know one nearby who won't ask too many questions." I dialed Emmett on my cell phone.

He answered, chortling. "Is the dog dead?" Thank God, Bella could not hear him.

"Unfortunately, no." Come to think of it, I could see Jake's head resting on a garland of poppies and daisies. Victoria would be proud.

"No! Not like that. You move like this!" Emmett shouted at someone. "Sorry," he huffed into the receiver, "helping teach the newborns how to fight."

"I require your veterinarian skills and your discretion." Emmett had done a stint in veterinary school and had almost graduated. Until he met his second singer. Ugly mess that. Way to totally ruin an oral exam, Mr. Big Mouth Appetite. We had to flee that night because he drank his brand new instructor in five seconds flat. And really, who timed how long it took to kill a hapless human? My brother had issues.

"Edward, who are you calling?" Bella asked.

"Emmett."

"What?" Emmett said in the phone.

"Sorry Emmett, I was explaining to Bella that I was talking to you."

"Right. Got it. What do you need me for?" Emmett bellowed, "No! Not like that! Hit me harder! C'mon! You're a newborn! Fight like one!" Emmett roared. I heard shrieking and growling on the other end of the phone.

"My friends Gus and Douglas."

"The gopher and the squirrel?"

"Yes. They're high."

Emmett held his tongue for almost a minute.

"Now this I gotta see. Bring 'em."

"On our way." I pressed the accelerator to the floor. This was a minion emergency. Speed limits be damned. Not like I obeyed them anyway – except when Bella was in the car. Mostly.

"Edward," Bella gritted.

"Yes?" I acted oblivious to the glares she directed at the speedometer.

"If we get pulled over by a police officer, what do you plan on saying?"

"We won't," I pointed to my forehead, "I can hear with my gift. We're fine."

When we drove up the driveway, Emmett and Rosalie were waiting by the garage.

Emmett grabbed the door handle in his large hand and gently opened the car, squinting at the animals. He sniffed. And then looked askance at Bella and me.

"Um, Edward, have you and Bella been doing drugs?" He sounded scandalized."I thought you were kidding about the high part." Douglas waved at Emmett and blew him a raspberry. Gus started giggling.

Bella gawped. And then ruined it by looking guilty.

"No." I sniffed at him indignantly. I mean really. What good would smoking marijuana do me? I was immortal. It's not like it would loosen me up. Now sex, on the other hand. With Bella? Now that . . . oh, never mind. Must stop thinking about sex. And hands. And a very naked Bella.

Rosalie asked, "Then how did you end up with two stoned animals?" Staring at her prune face was enough to erase my arousal. My sister, Rosalie, best birth control ever. Hands down.

Bella rushed to my defense. "Jake had a joint. I told him that I didn't want him smoking it in front of me. Gus and Douglas took it from him and ate it to keep him from smoking it."

So there. I was not a weed eater. Smoker. Toker. Taker. Whatever.

Douglas cheeped, stuck a paw in the sky, and did the equivalent of giggling at Gus. He wobbled as he walked. Rosalie scrunched her nose and moved to pick up Douglas. No fool he, the squirrel leaped for Emmett. Gus ran and hid behind Bella, clutching against her pant leg.

Emmett asked, "How much did they eat?"

"Perhaps one bite each?"

"Well, I think they'll be fine. Just let it wear off."

"Thank you for looking at them."

"Sure thing." Emmett began to wander toward the back yard.

Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my chest, leaning her head against me. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Having Emmett make sure they are okay."

"Anything for you." I stroked her hair.

The black-garbed newborns, chasing Aro and Jasper, came screeching around the house from the backyard like a horde of barbarians about to sack a city. They were mimicking Emmett's aggressive poses.

The girl with the safety pins in her lip sniffed the air and shouted, "Weed!"

The others started chanting, "Weed! Weed! Weed! We want weed!"

Emmett threw up his hands. "No! You are supposed to practice looking scary and fighting."

Aro asked, "What are my children asking for?"

I answered, "Access to a substance humans inhale that is illegal."

Airily, Aro waved a hand. "I kill people for mid-morning snacks. I scoff at such laws."

Carlisle said, "It would threaten our standing in the community if you were discovered."

Aro clapped his hands. "Children! Be silent!" Their chanting halted. Aro waved a finger and continued, "We must not bring trouble to dear Carlisle's door."

Father said, "Thank you, Aro."

"I think," Marcus suggested, "this calls for a road trip."

My phone chirped. It was a text from Tanya. I felt kind of guilty looking at it while I had my arm around Bella. Like I was conversationally cheating on her.

_Are you alone, you bad man?_

_No._

_Typical._

_What do you need?_

_Nothing you're willing to give, sadly. We must plan. I don't think you want Bella around for that. Her virgin ears!_

_Good point._

_Send her shopping._

_She loathes shopping._

_Are you *sure* she's female? _

_Very._

_Did you play doctor with her?_

_That would not be your business. Shameless hussy. _

_Naughty lad._

_Zip it, harpy. Give me a minute to text Alice._

So I did what any reasonable vampire would do. Fingers flying at vampire speed, I went running to my family. I texted Alice and groveled. _Take Bella out for a few hours. Please? I'll buy you lots of things._

_Not a problem_, my sister responded. _You have excellent taste when I do the shopping for you._

Alice bounced on her tip toes and said to Bella, "Oh, Bella, we have a wedding to plan. We're going wedding dress hunting!"

My tricky sister used a different word than shopping. Smart.

"But I thought we had one?" Bella stammered.

"We do."

"So why am I getting another? We spent hours finding the first one."

"I just want one as a back-up in case something happens to the first one. You never know with all these wolves around. I have to plan for these things."

Bella's eyes widened. Evil to the core, Alice added in the _coup de grace_, "Let's ask Angela, too." And like that, my bride was swept away. For matrimonial purposes.

Aro and Demetri and the Guard took the rest of the newborns hunting in the forest.

Tanya and her sisters arrived once Marcus had left to run errands and the coast was clear.

"Darling!" Tanya air-kissed my cheek. Thank God. Goodness knows where those lips have been. "You look slightly less repressed!"

"Tanya, Irina, Kate, thank you." I was going to ignore that repressed comment.

"So, what did this Charlie do to anger you?" Irina asked.

"He made my bride weep when we informed him of our intention to wed."

"How rude?" Kate could never understand rudeness. "Why?"

I grumbled. "He thinks we are too young for marriage."

Tanya emitted an inelegant snort, and she poked my shoulder. "So tell him your actual age. Problem solved."

"Then I'd have to bite or, God forbid, kill him."

"And?" Kate raised an eyebrow. "He's rude. What would be your problem with that?"

"Bella just lost her mother. I cannot kill her only surviving parent." Perhaps I sounded a bit sanctimonious just then.

"True," Kate huffed. Irina glanced at me like I was going soft in my old age. Soft in terms of morals not anything else. Sicko.

"Besides," I continued, "we'll be turning Bella after the wedding, so she won't see him again. I only need Chief Swann shown his place before the ceremony so he behaves until then."

Irina smiled, "Consider it done. No biting. No killing. Who are they?" She pointed to Douglas and Gus.

"My friends. They assist me in tormenting the wolves."

Tanya cooed and picked up Gus, who was drugged enough to ignore his instincts. He snuggled against her hand, a sure sign he was out of his tiny little mind.

"How adorable!" Tanya giggled. "His fur is so soft." Douglas lay on the ground and showed her his belly in a centerfold pose. Whore. Okay fine, that was harsh. He was heavily medicated, and admittedly, Tanya _never_ charged. Slut seemed much better. See what happens when drugs are involved? Next thing I know Douglas'll be selling himself for weed and nuts with Gus as his pimp. I paused when I saw the avaricious gleam in Tanya's eye.

"Please don't eat my friend or turn him into a stole."

"Don't be silly, dear. He's going to help me with Charlie. Aren't you?"

Gus nodded and smiled.

Douglas jumped on Irina's shoulder and began stroking her face with his tail. Irina found it amusing.

"Edward, do they have names?"

"Douglas, and that's Gus." I pointed to the gopher.

Tanya crooned, "Would you like to help me play a joke? I hear you are really good at being assistants."

Both minions nodded.

"Excellent!" Tanya grinned. "Here, have a breath mint." We can't have you smelling of pot around the Chief. Can we?"

Both animals shook their heads, "No."

Really. Nothing said, _I loathe you_ more than siccing the Denali Sisters on a deserving enemy. Charlie Swan had made my beloved mate cry. Twice. That was unacceptable. Ergo, since I could not dispatch him to the Great Beyond – undead or otherwise – my cousins would have to suffice. They had easily scared me into celibacy.

Tanya wondered, "You want suffering, yes?"

"Mental more than physical," I qualified. "It has to be done in a way that will not lead back to me or offend the sensibilities of my bride should she discover it."

Irina sulked, "There goes my idea."

"What did you want to do?" I asked.

"Force him to work naked in the Gulag burying corpses from the prison." Her smile was ghastly. I'm now making a mental note never to get on Irina's bad side.

I scolded, "He's _human,_ Irina. He would freeze before he dug the first grave. That might distress Bella."

With a winsome smile, Irina asked, "Can I turn him first?"

"No. He'd be the dumbest vampire ever." I don't even want to ponder what would happen if his love of fishing was magnified.

Tanya tapped her fingers, "Does he have any health conditions that I need to know about?"

"Aside from being stubborn and stupid? No."

Toying with her nails, Tanya suggested, "I think it is best if you not know what I have planned. Just make sure that Bella is occupied and away from the house."

"Alice and Mother are under orders to do that. She won't be a problem."

"So, Edward," Kate teased, "Do you like to watch?"

"In this case, I'll put my principles aside."

"I suggest lurking in the forest outside his house. Phase one of the plan is already in place."

"What was that?"

"We had a box of doughnuts delivered to him. Human police officers like those, from what we've heard."

"What's the catch?"

"They were drugged."

"With what?"

"A laxative. A strong one," Irina crinkled her nose in distaste.

Tanya chirped, "Oh, could you tell Marcus that I need him to pay a call on his long-lost cousin in two hours?"

I texted Marcus who seemed to think that was a fine idea. Okay fine. Perhaps I'm stretching the truth a little.

_Marcus, would you mind paying a call on Charlie in a few hours?_

_Why would I need to?_

_Tanya wants you to._

_I'm not having sex with anyone, Edward._

_No. Gracious. That's not what she wants._

_You're sure? There aren't any barnyard animals involved?_

I snorted. He must be pulling my leg. Tanya and animals? Wait. This was Tanya we were texting about.

_She just wants you to play the role of his uptight cousin. That's all._

_And what, specifically does she need me to do? I draw the line at seducing Charles_.

I asked Tanya, "Marcus would like to know what role you need him to play?"

She batted her eyelashes at me. "My bitch?"

"Uh-uh," I wagged a finger at her. "Not an option." Not sorry.

Tanya huffed. "Fine. Spoilsport. You mentioned he was posing as a relation of Charlie's right?"

"I did. And he is."

"Tell him I simply need him to pay a visit and play that role. I'll do my best to keep my hands off him." She sighed. "He does have a cute ass."

I repeated that message. Save the "cute posterior" part.

Tanya continued, "Tell him to be uptight. That should not be too hard."

I reworded that message. Because even I am not that stupid. I wrote, _Tanya suggested playing the role of the moral visitor._

_Consider it done._

"Sisters!" Tanya enthusiastically clapped her hands. "Off to create mayhem!" The Denali women piled into their car. I followed them and parked in a church parking lot two blocks from the Swan domicile. Following instructions, I found a good spot in the forest and Gus and I took our places to watch the entertainment. Using my gift, I found that Charlie was clutching a soda can and rubbing his forehead.

"Wow. I shouldn't have had that fourth doughnut," he bellyached.

The doorbell rang.

Then he muttered, "Oh, what the hell?"

The doorbell rang again.

"Can't a man take a crap in peace?" Charlie grumbled. He opened the door. And regarded his company like a simpleton, lips flapping soundlessly.

A black wig covered Tanya's reddish hair. She wore a leather dress cut low enough to make her look like an even naughtier version of Elvira. Kate wore a nurse uniform – the old fashioned kind. Scratch that. A satire of the old fashioned kind. She had the hat perched over a platinum blond wig she'd styled into an up-do. I definitely don't remember the skirts being that short, or nurses wearing stockings like _that_.

God help me. Irina was going to give the man a heart attack. She wore a brown wig styled in pigtails and had on a cheerleading uniform from the Seahawks. Probably shorter than they wore.

"Um," Charlie flushed and stammered. He wondered what three smoking hot women were doing on his doorstep. They looked a little old to be friends with Bella.

Well, for an imbecile, that observation was stunningly astute.

He finally managed to bleat, "Can I help you?"

"Are you Charles Swan?" Kate asked.

"Yes."

"Jake sent us."

"He what? Why?"

Tanya stroked her fingers across his cheek. "We're your dates for the night. Aren't you a cutie. We're going to have so much fun!"

Irina said, "I'm Suzette, and this is Inga," she pointed at Tanya, "and Eve," she gestured to Kate. Tanya pushed Charlie back with a finger and the three women walked into his house and shut the door. Mrs. Pearson across the street called Mrs. Stanley, worried that Charlie was procuring the services of hookers. Three hookers. At the same time. Mrs. Stanley went into hysterics. Within minutes word was all over town. Thank God Bella was far away. And Alice had arranged for their cell phones to be off.

Charles nervously chuckled as Tanya toyed with his hair. Irina purred, "We get to have you all to ourselves, you bad man, you."

"_Jesus Christ. I can't have hookers in my house," _Charlie mentally yelped. He cleared his throat and said, "Ladies, I am the police chief. I think there's been some misunderstanding. I can't use the services of prostitutes."

All three women narrowed their eyes, sucked in air in outrage and glared at him. "You think we are prostitutes?" Irina huffed.

"You mean you aren't?" Charlie blurted.

"We have no intention of having sex with you." Well, that was absolutely true. Even they had standards. They'd do the pack before Charlie. They wanted him to suffer. Not die with a smile on his face.

Tanya sniffed, "If I were one, you wouldn't be able to afford two minutes with me."

"Are you strippers?" Charlie looked at their outfits again.

Even more ice was directed towards Chief Swan. All three women growled.

Charlie looked around to see if an animal had wondered into his house. "What the heck is that noise?"

"We are here to help you with your love life," Tanya explained haughtily. "We understand you haven't had sex in seventeen years."

Fine. Sue me. When I saw Charlie's reaction, I high-fived Gus. Twice.

A beet-red Charlie mumbled, "Be right back." He bolted for the bathroom. Five minutes later, he wobbled into the living room.

"I can see talking about your sex life is distressing. Don't worry, by the time we're done with you, you'll be a dating champ!" Tanya cooed.

Irina handed him a soda. "Here, you look like you need one."

"Thanks," he greedily downed a sip. Or nine.

"So Charlie, why are you celibate?" Kate asked.

"Um, well, uh," he stammered and shifted around in his chair. "Well, I never met anyone that could compare to Renée, my ex-wife. And she didn't want me." He hung his head.

"Oh, how sad." Kate blinked at him.

Irina patted his arm, "You need to try. Being celibate that long is not healthy."

Tanya said, "Research shows that having regular orgasms increases your immune system." She should know. She hadn't been sick in centuries. Physically, that is. At this rate, if that figure was true, she'd never die.

Irina patted his arm. "You have some catching up to do seeing as you've been out of the game for a while. But don't worry, that's what we're here for."

Tanya opened a bag. Douglas peered up at her from the bottom of the sack. "One second, darling," she crooned at vampire pitch, stroking his head. Not_ that_ head. Degenerates. She reached into the bag and boasted, "We're experts in teaching sex tips to men." That, alas, was true. Not that I knew from personal experience.

"What's this?" Charlie looked at the box she placed on the coffee table.

"It's a vibrator. Listen up."

"Uh, be right back," Charlie scurried from the room. Ten minutes later, he returned. "Excuse me. Something I ate is bothering me." He rubbed his abdomen.

Charlie mentally groused, _"Jeez, I all but exploded in the bathroom. I hope they don't have to go anytime soon." _

"I'm sure it's just stress," Kate soothed.

Charles passed gas and tried to disguise it with a bout of coughing. Bad coughing. "So what's with the outfits?" he asked.

"It's for role-playing exercises," Tanya answered.

Charlie gulped his soda to take care of that dry mouth problem.

"Don't worry, Charlie. We'll eventually teach you how to use this little guy." Tanya held up Douglas.

"That's a squirrel."

"Oh, I know." She stroked Douglas' fur.

"What the heck would I do with that? Do women expect me to have one?"

Tanya whispered in Charlie's ear. Something too vile to repeat.

Chief Swan yelped, "You want me to put that squirrel where?" Then he fainted.

Irina gently slapped his face. "Wake up, Charlie. We were just getting to the good part."

A knock sounded at the door. Charlie moaned and tried to get to his feet.

"I'll get it," Irina offered.

"Thanks," Charlie lay sprawled on the floor, his head in Tanya's lap. Kate was feeding him grapes one by one. Sex toys and Douglas were scattered on the shag carpet around them. Along with a box of condoms. Two of the wrappers were torn and empty.

Irina opened the door. "Why, hello!" She chirped. "What can I do for you?"

Marcus, dressed in a suit and polished wingtips, said, "Is Charlie here?"

"Oh, yes," Irina winked at him. "Come right in."

Two women stood beside Marcus.

"Who might you be?" Tanya asked while stroking a mortified Charlie. Marcus made a point of staring at the condom wrappers.

The women took note of the room, and the sex toys, and the outfits of the Denali sisters.

One said, "I'm Myrtle."

The other piped up, "I'm Regina."

Myrtle said, "We got a call that you were in need of religion. We're Jehovah's witnesses and would like to talk to you."

The doorbell rang. Again.

Tanya trilled, "I'll get it!" and opened the door to find the gawping faces of Elder Thompson and Elder Weekes. "Mmm mmm, don't you two just look good enough to eat!" She licked her lips.

"Did we come to a costume party?" Elder Weekes asked. "Elvira, right?"

Tanya giggled and whispered, "You caught me! Come on in! Take off your coats!" She muttered under her breath at a pitch humans could not hear, "And your shirts. And your pants."

The doorbell sounded. Again.

"Hon, be a dear and get it for me?" Tanya asked Elder Thompson. The man politely nodded and opened the door to find my vampire parents. Esme had a crock pot full of chicken soup in both hands.

"Why hello there, Elder Thompson. Did you hear about Charlie? We came bearing food for the poor dear."

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen. We received a message that he was in need of a visit from us so we came as soon as we could."

"That's so nice of you! How about coming to dinner when you are done here?"

"You make the best meatloaf. I'd be honored, Ma'am." Great. I was going to have to work overtime to keep the naïve young man from becoming a newborn chew toy. I had a hard time imagining the young men as vampires. Too wholesome.

Mother led the way into the living room, followed by Carlisle and Elder Weekes and Thompson. Mother gracefully ignored the sex toys strewn across the room. Elder Weekes was not so lucky. He tripped over a, ahem, plastic ring of the nature of which I would have no idea, - really - and stumbled onto a container of lube. Three containers actually. Billy and Jake picked that moment to walk in the house.

While Mr. Black was distracted at the spectacle before him, Jake saw Douglas, extended a trembling finger like some prophet out of the Old Testament and shrieked, "That's the squirrel that stole my weed!"

Elder Weekes decided that removing the lube from his shoes really wasn't that important right now. This poor young man needed spiritual counseling. He clenched his jaw and prepared to set Jacob straight. Drugs were wrong.

Douglas waved at Jake with his claws and did the squirrel equivalent of blowing raspberries at him. Then he raised his middle digit at him.

Jake growled, began shaking, and lunged. Idiot.

Effortlessly, Irina batted him aside. Through the front window. Douglas let out a squirrel scream and leaped on Marcus' shoulder.

Charlie looked out his broken front window at Jake, who was spread-eagled across the lawn like a murder victim in need of a chalk outline. "Jake, are you stoned?" I suppose it didn't occur to anyone to ask after Jacob's physical welfare even though he just sailed through a window and all. Pity.

"No," Jake sulked. "He stole my weed!" Jake gestured at Marcus – well, at the squirrel – the still stoned squirrel who casually waved at Jake with his paw. And winked.

"Squirrels don't smoke pot, Jake. Don't be ridiculous. You must be stoned to come up with that as an explanation."

Tanya decided to help. "Do you have any idea of what that drug does to your sexual performance?" She sounded aghast.

Jake peered down at his crotch. He had wondered why Quileute Thunder didn't want to play lately.

Quileute Thunder? Talk about delusions of grandeur. More like Weeping Whistle.

Kate picked up her cue from her sister and said, "It will make you impotent for life."

Elder Weekes and Thompson didn't want to be left out of this conversation. "It impairs the mind. It pulls you away from God. Your body is your temple."

Regian and Myrtle said, "We'll pray for you. Our work here is done." They tossed a few pamphlets at Jake on their way off of the lawn.

Charlie bolted for the bathroom. When the door slammed, Jake rose to his feet and snarled at Tanya, "Who the fuck are you? And what are you doing here?"

Carlisle glanced meaningfully at the missionaries and said, "Manners, Jacob."

"We're dating consultants."

"Who hired you? The Cullens?" Jake queried.

Tanya smirked, "You hired us to help Charlie. Remember?"

Billy blinked in confusion and asked, "By dating him?" As Jake bellowed, "The hell I did!"

"No, we're teaching him how to please women. From an academic standpoint," she added for the religious audience. "He is in need of a wife." Both Elder Weekes and Thompson blushed.

"Sit down, boys," Irina said, "You might learn a thing or two."

Billy thought, _"Well, it can't hurt. He's gotten more action from fish."_

Aloud, Billy said to his son, "Jake? Did you do this?"

He squealed, "I didn't. I swear!"

His father glowered, "You've been sneaking around doing drugs. I'm having a hard time believing you."

Tanya held out her phone to Billy. "Here's the email." Thank you, Jasper for your hacking skills. Billy skimmed the screen and his shoulders sagged as he shook his head at his wastrel progeny.

Jake was not going down – well – ever if _I_ had any say in the matter. But I digress . . . Jake was not going down without a fight. Like a boxer that was too addled to realize that he'd been knocked to the ground, he whined, "What would I pay them with? I don't have money! That proves I'm telling the truth."

"You have money to purchase drugs." Elder Thompson pointed out. His cohort coughed to hide a laugh, composed his features to one of appropriate opprobrium and chimed in, "Good point."

Kate held out her phone to show another email to Billy. "We volunteered our services as Jake expressed financial hardship in his email to us."

"_Crap!"_ Jake thought, _"How do I get out of this?"_

Billy shook his head sadly at his son. He needed to have a come to Jesus talk with the boy.

Then, the fun really started, as Chief Swan made his way back to the living room. A knock sounded at the door. A bemused Charlie marveled, "I've lived here twenty years and never had this many visitors in one day." He opened the door to find the stenchettes – I mean the wolf pack– standing on his doorstep. Clothed. Sort of. Wearing nothing but ratty shorts and hubris. They had left the baby oil at home.

"What can I do for you?" Charlie asked.

Sam studied Charlie warily. "Jake texted us that we needed to stop by."

Jake stomped his foot like a toddler whining in the check out aisle for a treat, "I didn't!" He clenched his hands into fists and appeared constipated.

Sam extended his phone. "Really?"

Billy said, "All this drug use has made you forgetful. It's rotting your brain." The missionaries shook their heads in agreement.

Sam growled at Jake, "Drug use? Start talking. "

Jake held up his palms entreating. "Nothing serious. Just some weed."

Paul grumbled at Tanya and her sisters before he lost all semblance of self-control and wailed, "Demon leeches!" He started quivering as if he would phase.

At wolf pitch, Sam snapped in the alpha tone, "You will not make a scene. You will not phase!"

Charlie shook his head at Jake and sighed, "Carlisle, why don't you tell Jake about what drugs do to the body?"

Father didn't think that Jake would listen to anything that he had to say, so he artfully dodged that request. "There is a drug education program that the hospital runs. I can get Jake a place in it."

"I think that's a good idea." Charlie beamed.

Jake wailed, "You're sending me to rehab over weed?"

"No," Carlisle explained. "This is not rehab. It's a series of classes that meet once a week on Friday nights. It is meant to educate those with drug problems."

Billy took one arm. Sam put his hand on Jake's shoulder. "You're going!" Both men barked.

"But – " Jake spluttered.

"Do what your father says!" Sam seethed.

Jake crossed his arms over his chest and jerked his head toward Chief Swan. "This is so unfair. He's got strippers here, and I'm the one with the problem?"

Tanya narrowed her eyes. You could feel the frost coming from her. "We are dating coaches. Not strippers."

"You're fucking leeches!" Paul snarled at wolf pitch.

Irina did a fantastic job of studying Paul as if he were an idiot and saying, "Who we let in our bed is none of your concern. Does Jesus know you are obsessed with our sex lives?"

Paul blanched. Then stared at the floor and stammered, "Um, uh, well, um, no."

Carlisle remonstrated, "Paul, please calm down and look at their eyes. Notice they are not maroon." Sam, responding to a signal from Carlisle, put aside his supernatural enemy business and asked Charlie, "Say, can you show me your latest stuffed fish?" He pointed to the collection hanging from the wall.

"Sure. I got a cool one last week."

At wolf pitch, Paul whined, "They might hypnotize me and make me sleep with them."

Tanya said at vampire pitch, "You couldn't get that lucky."

"Well, she could be wearing fake eyes. I mean contacts."

"True." Tanya shrugged. She leaned forward. "Want to check my eyes to see if I am?"

"No, lady, you'll do that voodoo magic with your eyes."

"Not with me here, they won't." I loved how Carlisle didn't bother denying that they could do the impossible. "As indicated by their irises, you can tell that they live off of an animal diet. You might want to show my guests more respect."

Paul blinked, "Why? They're just girls."

Esme smiled at Paul and said at vampire pitch, "The older the vampire, the more powerful he or she is. Carlisle is the oldest in our coven."

"So?" Paul snorted.

"Tanya is over a thousand years old as are her sisters. They could break you with one hand." Esme seemed entertained at the notion. From his position trapped in front of a stuffed bass, Sam whispered at supernatural pitch, "Jacob, Paul, you will not engage those women."

Paul sniped, "I would never offer them a ring. Jesus would not approve."

"That's not what he meant," Kate chuckled. "He meant don't try to fight us, little boy."

The doorbell rang. I looked at Gus and said, "Oh, this is going to be good." We peered around a Sitka spruce to watch. Tanya opened the door this time. It was Mrs. Adcock and her brownie troop.

The young girls in the front shouted, "We're selling raffle tickets!" Then they all squealed high enough to set my teeth on edge.

"Well, isn't that just precious," Tanya caroled as Mrs. Adcock's jaw dropped as she took in Tanya's outfit.

It took all my willpower not to laugh at Mrs. Adcock's thoughts. _How does she get her boobs to look like that? I totally need a new bra. I had no idea Charlie was dating again. Poor Renée's death must have hit him hard. He's entertaining whores._

Irina stepped forward, causing Mrs. Adcock to goggle. Irina said, "We are going to buy some of those tickets. It is for a good cause, yes? I like supporting young women."

Tanya said, "We're buying raffle tickets, then. It's only right." She pulled a fifty dollar bill out from her cleavage and handed it to Mrs. Adcock. "Here."

"_So that's her secret,"_ Mrs. Adcock harrumphed. _"She stuffs her bra with money. Who knew?"_ It was a very good thing Tanya could not read minds.

"Sam!" Paul blurted and tugged on his alpha's sleeve, "We can't let the leeches show us up! Jesus would not approve."

Sam pulled out a twenty. He said to Paul, "Knock yourself out."

My least favorite Christian scurried out the door chasing after the retreating girl scouts. Perhaps Sam wasn't completely dumb. Carlisle and Esme left taking the missionaries with them. Charlie emerged from the bathroom in time for the doorbell to ring again. He opened it to find a marching band standing in the street. Irina in her cheerleader outfit leaned over his shoulder and whispered in his ear. "I never knew you were so popular, Charles."

The bandleader said, "We were hired to serenade you."

"By whom?"

Opening up a wadded piece of paper, the band director read, "Says Jacob Black paid for this. In cash."

Charlie glared at Jake. "I didn't!" the young pup insisted.

"Dude!" The tuba player hissed to his buddy and ogled Irina. "Check out the rack on her! Chief Swan has a fine stripper girlfriend."

Kate came to the doorway wearing a smirk.

"Man, he's got two! That man is a freak!" the trombone player whispered. Several kids started coughing to hide their laughter. A few took pictures with their phones. They all posted them to Facebook. Chief Swan was their hero. They all wanted to be him when they grew up. Marvelous.

That bassoon player reverently said, "He is the shit." Indeed. Truer words were never spoken.

Chief Swan said, "Um, guys, what's up?"

The band director said, "We are going to start now with "Eye of the Tiger."

"Um, thanks." Charlie blushed.

I found a new weapon the Volturi could use to torture hapless immortals: the Forks High School marching bad. They were cheerfully ghastly. Out of tune, out of time, and grinning like loons throughout the entire shameless performance. After one song, Tanya sashayed her way to the band director and slipped him a hundred dollar bill. "I think we've heard enough for one day, hot stuff." She kissed the man's neck with a wistful sniff or nine, "You really should be going. Love that cologne. It is so yummy smelling."

"No problem. We'll be on our way now. And, um, thanks." He blew his whistle and the band marched away.

Charlie's guests left, leaving him alone with Marcus and the Denali sisters.

When Charlie shut the door after bidding farewell to the squabbling pack who were lecturing Jacob on his many failures before a delighted Billy, he turned to face Marcus.

Cousin Marcus' face was grave as he asked, "May I have a word with you, cousin?"

"Uh, sure." Charlie led Marcus to the back yard. "What?"

"Does Bella know the company you are keeping?"

Charlie scratched his chin. "What company?"

"The 'dating coaches' those tramps claim to be."

"Why do you care?" Charlie bristled.

"As her cousin, I need to make sure someone teaches her morals. She's the last of my family."

"Now just a minute!" Charlie blustered, "You're not being fair. I do right by my daughter. I have morals."

"Charles," Kate cooed from the house, "We need to teach you about the sex toys."

Marcus raised an eyebrow and rejoined, "I see. We'll continue this discussion at a later date. Good day, cousin." With that, he left.

As much fun as watching Tanya and her sisters torment Charlie was, I now had other matters to attend to. Paul was lurking in the bushes. Jesus would not approve, methinks.

Paul had no idea that his current stomping had destroyed the tunnels of a runaway badger. Nor would he care. But the badger sure minded. I read the badger's mind. The web of tunnels he had made would be perfect for what I wanted to do. I had a flock of crows dive bomb Paul, driving him three feet to the left. The ground collapsed under him. He screamed something about black being Satan's color choice for evil bird plumage. On his way down into the hole he had created, Paul broke two bones. I counted. And fractured three ribs. Paul seemed to think this was unfair. If Paul wanted to see something unfair, he should have consulted the animal whose abode he destroyed. This was not an ordinary badger. Paul has occurred the wrath of a honey badger: An animal reputed for its fearlessness in the face of peril. This badger hailed from Africa and had wound up in what he considered a hell hole when the van carrying him had overturned, letting him loose along with a monkey, two pythons, and a hedgehog. The other animals had been recovered by the Seattle zoo. They had given up on the badger.

"That idiot that just ruined your home needs to learn some manners. I'll get you home if you make him miserable." I promised the badger.

"Bruce the badass badger," as he liked to be called, canted his head to one side, did the animal equivalent of a happy dance, and let me know I had a deal.

Paul tried to phase. "Damn! Sam won't let me. What the hell is that?" he squawked.

That black box by Paul's broken leg, the badger gleefully chomped it into tiny pieces.

"Paul!" Sam called, "Where the hel - heck are you?"

I decided now might be a good time to come out of my hiding place and pay the wayward lad a visit.

"Hello, Sam."

"Edward."

"I'm hoping you can explain something to me?"

"I'll do my best," he replied.

"Why is Paul outside of my fiance's bedroom in a dugout?" I pointed to Paul, who bleated like a goat. "All this Jesus talk on his part seems like malarkey to hide that he's stalking Bella along with Jacob. As her mate, I am putting my foot down."

Paul's eyes bugged out. "No, um, ah, it's not like that. I mean Bella is hot and all." Sam glared him into silence.

"I'll handle it, Edward. You have my apologies." Sam pointed at Paul, "Fill up that hole. We don't want Bella tripping and breaking her leg." My work here was done. Time to check in on Charlie and then pay another social call.

Using my gift, I saw Tanya telling Charlie, "Stick out your tongue."

"Why? You aren't a doctor. Carlisle said I'll be fine in twenty-four hours."

"Because we want to see if it's long enough that you can perform on a woman."

Charlie looked like he was about to stroke out.

"Don't be shy," Irina encouraged.

Tanya patted his shoulder. "We want to help you."

Charlie stuck out his tongue as if he was afraid Tanya would take a pair of red-hot pinchers to it.

"Oh, Charles, that tongue. We definitely can work with it."

Kate handed Irina a cantaloupe. "What's that for?" Charlie asked.

"Practice," Irina smiled.

Charlie said, "Be right back," and scampered for the bathroom. I had just seen enough to be scarred for life. My virgin eyes.

I said to Jasper over the phone, "Paul has broken a few limbs out behind Bella's house in the woods."

"Would you like me to pay him a visit?"

"No, I think I have that handled. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the treaty has no prohibition against playing jokes on the other side?"

"That's right, Edward. Who are we pranking?"

"Jacob Black. I thought we could pay him a visit."

"Excellent! We're on our way."

Let's see, I glanced at Gus, who seemed game for more fun. Paul was temporarily out of commission. Charlie was in the not so nice clutches of the Denali sisters. Jacob was sulking in his bedroom, clutching his last joint and debating whether or not to light it up. He caved to temptation and began to puff.

Seven skunks emerged from a thatch of sword ferns. One of them, a young female I'll call Petit La Blu, so said Gus, had imprinted on Jacob. Poor skunk. Well, I had to help her reach her true love. It was the moral thing to do. My mothers raised me right.

I, being the helpful demon that I am, wanted to aid the young lovers. Petit wanted advice. Tanya was busy. Her sisters, too. How hard could it be?

"You should definitely help him with his drug problem. It's your duty." Trailed by my menagerie of minions and shadowed by my siblings, I made my way toward Jacob Black's house. Halfway there, I halted in my tracks. I pulled out my phone and called Aro. Black Sabbath was playing in the background and his newborns were chanting, "More weed! More weed!"

"Ah, Edward, how are you doing this fine day?"

"Feel like terrorizing Jacob?"

"Does a vampire bite?" Aro cackled. "Can I bring my children? They should get in on the fun."

"Why not? They just can't attack him."

"They'll be on their best behavior. They have had lots of that weed substance. They are rather confused that it's not working on them."

I turned to my brother. "Jasper, I think that we need to help Jacob meet his imprintee. How about texting him to meet her at the park?"

"Why, certainly, dear brother." Jasper's fingers flew. Fifteen minutes later, Jacob was puffing on his joint and pacing. He couldn't wait to see the hot young thing that had texted him. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice the dainty skunk that approached him and sprayed his joint with her distinctive perfume.

"What the hell!" Jake bellowed.

I approached him, trailed by my siblings. "Jake, I'd like to introduce you to Petit La Blu. She says she has imprinted on you."

Jake snapped her neck and tossed her body into the woods behind him. How rude. Jake clearly needed to work on letting a girl down gently. Animal.

"You'll pay for that."

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do, devil worshiper!"

I dialed Sam.

"What is it now?" He barked into the phone.

"I have a proposition for you on how to keep Jacob off of drugs. It's better than rehab."

"You can't kill him. Even if he is an asshole."

"Alas, I know. But I think you'll like my idea." Sam came out of the woods and saw Aro and his children converging with our crowd.

"Will it keep him out of my hair?" Sam asked.

I'd never seen Jacob bothering Sam's hair. How odd.

"I propose we have him train with the newborns full time. They won't kill him." The newborns began jumping up and down shouting, "Let us play with stinky man!"

Jacob looked horrified.

"Yes. What a fine idea." Sam agreed.

"You can't order me around!" Jacob squealed.

"Sam can and he did. Report to my parent's house. They are expecting you. Jasper has all kinds of exercises planned to train you in battling vampires."

"You want war? You've got it, dipshit. I'm taking Bella."

"She's my mate. Good luck with that."

"You think you're so awesome with that panty-dropping smile."

Panty-dropping smile? What in God's name was that? I wouldn't _mind_ having a panty-dropping smile around Bella. Provided we were in private, of course. But it would be all kinds of awkward if that worked on anyone else. Like Jessica Stanley. Or her mother. Or the pack. They seemed to shed their clothes every time the wind changed. I don't even think they wore underwear.

The dog stuck out his lower lip like a spoiled brat on a rampage. "May the _only_ man win, sucker." Jake stomped his way to our mansion, trailed by the newborns. I had no idea why he kept getting sprayed by skunks along the way. Or why every other animal he encountered mocked or shat upon him. Every time he got hit or sprayed, I'd say just loud enough for him to hear, "Thank you, Dark Master for that sign of your benevolence."

As Jacob approached the house, he saw Bella getting out of the car and talking to Alice. Aro pointed a finger at Jacob and said to the newborns, "Leave the women alone. Get the boy! He wants to play with you, children. But first he needs a bath."

"Play! Play! Play!" They charged and ran. Jacob never had a chance. The newborns swarmed him as I grabbed Bella and pulled her out of their path.

"Edward?" Bella mumbled into my chest.

"Yes, my treasure?" I kissed her forehead.

"What the heck was _that_?"

"Oh, that's rehab for Jacob. Sam and Aro agreed that they could cure him of his penchant for illegal substances."

Bella giggled, "I feel bad laughing." We watched the spectacle unfolding before us.

Like a pig on a platter, they held a writhing-like-a-worm-on-ashes Jacob aloft and ran off to toy with him as he swore and yelped, "Hands off the ass!"

"Ass! Ass! Ass!" They chanted, "We want ass! More ass! Stinky ass!"

"Jeez, you have cold hands!" Jacob wailed.

The female newborn with the safety pins in her face, the one who screamed about weed first, peered up at Jacob and fondled his rear. She asked Aro at supernatural pitch, "Master, do shapeshifters like having their prostate milked?"

Jacob screamed. "There's no milk in my body. You're not doing surgery on me!"

"He must be a virgin," the newborn shrieked. Then laughed. The others picked up her mood and shouted, "Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! Bathe the stinky virgin!" as they hauled Jacob away to the forest.

Aro beamed at Sam, "My children are a little enthusiastic. But I love them so." He followed them into the woods.

Thank the Lord Bella could not hear at supernatural pitch. From her perspective, it probably was confusing. "Why is Jake screaming? They're just carrying him." Bella marveled.

"I think he's excited about playing newborn games."

"Sure looks that way. I didn't know he could scream that loud."

I walked my bride into the house. "Did Alice take you out for dinner?"

"She did. Can we go to bed? I'm kind of tired."

A smart vampire never argued with his mate's desire to see the bedroom. Really. Serenaded by Jacob shrieking a mile away in the forest, I sang my beloved to sleep as she cuddled against me.

Bella was sleeping when my phone chirped, alerting me to an incoming text.

_We're done with Charlie._ Tanya wrote. _He seems properly humbled._ Picking on a man about his pitiful sex life would tend to do that. I should know.

_Is he still in one piece?_

_Of course. We didn't have that much fun. But he is the talk of the town._

Rumors of Charlie's shenanigans had spread throughout the hamlet of Forks. Hopefully, he'd be too busy doing damage control to fret about Bella marrying me. My cousins were amazing.

_Thank you for your help._

_No one messes with the family, Edward. We're going hunting and then home. See you at the wedding._

Bella sighed and mumbled, "Feels so good. Right there."

I could get used to this. Now I was going to have to practice that panty-dropping smile. Lots.

**Please review! It makes Edward high.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free super-sized servings of serendipitous snark. Many thanks to pomme_de_terre for her amazing pre-reading. I could not do this story without their help.**

**Snarky Summary: Tanya and her sisters pay a visit to a drugged Charlie. They bring half of Forks along with them for a good time. Charlie now has an interesting reputation in town. Jake and Billy show up and Jake confesses about his drug habit while shrieking at Gus-the-weed-thief. Tanya and her sisters give Charlie tips about sex that cause the poor man to faint. Tanya frames Jacob for everything save shooting JFK. Things from previous chapters you need to remember to make this one make sense are as follows. Emmett took Seth out for a night on the town in order to teach him (and that means the entire pack) how to recognize the scent of the chemicals released when a woman has an orgasm. He did this for charitable reasons, of course. We find our lovers canoodling in bed. Correction, Bella is sound asleep and Edward is plotting. And so we begin.**

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><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen - Just a Kiss<strong>

"Mmph. Rain. Green. Hot. Edward," Bella mumbled into her pillow. How she entertained me with her sleep talking. She hadn't once said that dog's name. Speaking of the devil, Jacob thought he had a chance because he had no idea how serious our physical relationship was, or my affect on her. And Bella, bless her heart, was not the kind to share details, thank God. And ever since our return, by coincidence Bella had always recently showered when she ran into Jake so much of my scent had been washed off of her. This only egged him on further. It was time to send Jacob a clear, unambiguous message.

I knew having her sleep in our bed would douse her with my scent more strongly than just one or two of my breaths. I also knew from reading the pack mind that although they knew I watched over her at night, they thought – having peeked in on us once, the cretins – I sat in a chair away from her bed. They had no idea that I laid in bed with her as she slept every night. Bella gave off a virginal air, so no one suspected anything untoward. Having Jacob smell the accumulated scent from our bed on her would send just the right message to his filthy mind. And I made sure that while she slept I coated certain portions of her anatomy with extra scent without laying a hand on her and keeping the moral high ground.

He would think I had been groping her, I thought maliciously as I exhaled over her chest while she dreamt of me and sighed my name. I tried to ignore her nipples as they became erect from my cool breath. Standing over her sleeping form and exhaling numerous times directly on her breasts was the image that Alice had in a vision that hit her while she and the rest of the family were out hunting that caused her to laugh so loud she scared away the Roosevelt Elk Jasper was about to eat. And my efforts also resulted in Bella experiencing an orgasm while asleep and I knew Jacob would smell that, too, by the increased oxycotin in her bloodstream. Thanks to that chat that Emmett had with Seth. With the way the wolf pack shared everything when they were in their animal form, Jacob would most definitely recognize the scent on Bella. I win at life. I mean undead life. Whatever. I win. Cause I have the girl. In my bed. Satisfied, might I add.

"Good morning," I kissed her awake. She sighed and cuddled against me. An undead man could get used to this. "I hope you don't mind, but I saw something that I thought was lovely and bought it for you." I took out the shirt. "I would be honored if you'd wear it today."

I managed to look bashful. She did not know that I had literally rubbed the cloth all over my chest while she had slept the sleep of the pure. I might have brushed it against the front of my pants a time or four, accidentally of course. I gave her time to use the bathroom and change.

Bella did not need to know that in her running back and forth between me and Jacob Black I had turned into a sexual deviant. The dog needed to be shown who was in charge. I couldn't help it if he got the wrong idea. The best part of this was by mentally spying on the pack, I could watch him squirm thorough his own eyes. And he'd have no idea. Sometimes I impressed myself. This was going to be too easy.

An hour later we were at the treaty line. I tried to keep my mind off the vision I had obtained from Jacob's mind as we prepared to exchange her like a prisoner. From reading his thoughts that he impishly communicated, I knew he planned on kissing her with tongue and was trying to rub it in my face. Two could play that game. As she turned to walk away, I gently reached out with my arms and pulled her into me for a scorching kiss. Bella responded eagerly as she always did, getting so caught up in the moment she completely forgot Jake was waiting for her before I let her come up for air. Purposely, I traced my tongue around her lips and delicately parted hers to sweep her mouth once.

She gasped against my side, glowing up at me as I smiled at her and whispered, "Love you. Have fun. Play nice."

I could hear Black mentally squealing from where he lurked, trying to block the image of her clearly enjoying the kiss. I could also hear him thinking about whether or not he could convince her to brush her teeth and her tongue prior to kissing her. Apparently he had bought a bottle of Listerine for that purpose. What an imbecile.

His audacity amazed me. Turning her loose reluctantly, I smirked at him from a distance once her back was to me. As she looked at me and climbed into Jake's car, I winked at Bella cheekily and calmly left - the very picture of boyfriendly charm. I made sure to show confidence and calm in my acting. I couldn't show him how much he bothered me, as I was pretending to take the high road in this battle.

The reaction of the wolves who watched to ensure Jacob's safety was highly entertaining, particularly since Jacob wouldn't be aware of their comments until he phased. From his perch overlooking the boundary, Sam had rolled his eyes when he saw me kiss Bella saying, "That's absolutely disgusting. And I know Jacob is planning on kissing her. That's like putting your lips in a can of bleach and puckering up. It will burn his mouth. I'd be surprised if he doesn't puke on the spot. That'll give Bella the right signal."

Quill had chimed in, "Jacob is a tool. Bella does not love him. He needs to give up."

There was much muttering among the wolves. Paul whined, "Since Bella clearly liked the leech could you please give Jacob an alpha order to stay away from her – she stank to high heaven, and adultery is a sin. Jesus would approve of this plan. She literally could be her own toxic waste dump. And it's getting hard hiding from her."

My thoughts turned from the amusing interaction of the pack back to the dog I loathed.

I watched the whole thing happen through Jacob's eyes as he tried to convince Bella in the face of her incredulity that she really did love him after all. Mange-infested beast! Then he attempted to put his paws on my Bella and got the shock of his life. She hauled off and punched him! I shouted with triumph in the car over the score of the ride of the Valkyries; I was so proud of her in that moment I could have burst. The next thing I saw, however, awakened the roaring beast within me. I literally bent the steering wheel in rage when I heard her say that her hand was broken.

One would think that would be enough to shame the average teenager. But no. Jacob lied through his teeth when they arrived at the Swan house.

Charlie said, "Bells what happened to your hand?"

"She hurt it when I kissed her."

"You kissed her?"

"That's what I planned."

I noticed he skirted directly lying to Charlie, whose chest puffed with pride.

"_My best friend's son and my little girl. Now we'll all be one big family. And this gets rid of that idiot Cullen kid that broke her heart. I can sure plan things."_ So he remembers that I broke her heart and neglects to recall that Jake has a drug problem. How did Bella result from such a tiny little mind?

Charlie, the pea-brained Keystone cop, made a remark encouraging this troll-like behavior. "Good for you, son." Bella's eyes widened in pain and Charlie immediately felt guilty and defensive. _"I'm only looking out for her best interests. She had done so poorly when the Cullens had left even though I understood why. I don't want my baby girl hurt when they decide to take off again. That Edward looked too prissy to stay around my baby girl."_

Bella called my cell, furious and I was only blocks away having driven around pretending not to know what had happened. This enabled me to be at her side in a minute. The Volvo screeched to a halt and I raced at a quick human speed to the door to be greeted by the sight of my love cradling her ice-encased hand.

As she opened the door with her good hand, her buffoon of a father said to her, "Maybe you should pick on people your own size."

I saw Bella's face fall in that second and wanted to pound her Father into dust as she looked down at the ground. Holding back tears, she said, "Maybe."

My poor dear little one. She had a broken hand. And she reeked of the dog. She needed me to repair her life. It was my duty as her mate.

I mentally saw Jacob's lips twitch as I reached for Bella's hand. Though it stunk to high heaven, I held it gingerly my palm for examination. By the visible swelling, I could clearly tell she had broken a bone. When I listened, I could hear the broken bones rub together. I was furious as I informed her that her hand was most likely broken and how proud I was of her for defending herself.

Her Father did not realize until that moment that she was really hurt. He did a double take as I called the mongrel's name in a calm tone. That took the smile off Jacob's face for a moment. Charlie, looking from one of us to the other as if he were at a supernatural tennis match, tensed.

"Now now," he admonished, sounding like a school teacher.

Both Jacob and I just looked at him blankly as Chief Swan continued insisting that he didn't want us to fight. Jacob rolled his eyes and for once I agreed with his thoughts, thinking the expression that would have come across Charlie's face had Jacob stench-sploded in front of him possibly would have been worth it in the end.

Although on the surface our exchange seemed civil to the humans, it was the conversation that occurred at supernatural frequencies that was actually more interesting.

Charlie seemed to think that I was imbecilic enough to get into fisticuffs with Jacob rather than take his daughter to the doctor. It took all my self-control to explain to Chief Swan that Bella made her own decisions about her company and I was merely here to support her. Not that I meant a word of it. But still. One had to keep up appearances.

Jake said to me at wolf pitch, _"Even he didn't buy that one, despite the awesome delivery." _

What the fool didn't realize is that it didn't matter what Charlie thought. It mattered what _Bella_ thought. I looked at him as if to say what a miserable father Charlie was for not standing up for his daughter. and the Chief clearly understood my message as I carefully put his only child in my car to do a job that should have occurred to him needed to be done.

Once she was seated in the car, careful of her injured hand, I snapped the seat belt for her, ignoring Jacob's mentally shouted claim that I was treating her like an infant.

I looked at him and growled at vampire frequency,_ "How then with a broken hand do you suggest she fasten her seat belt_,_ Mr. Know-it-all? How did she fasten it in your car?"_ Jacob's face fell for a moment and he then told himself that nothing happened and she was fine aside from a bum hand and why didn't the leech get over himself, he wasn't her freaking daddy.

"_Oh I'm clearly not her parent and I have no desire to fill that role Jacob. I'm going to be her husband. Soon. You know, I officially declared her as part of the family months ago. If you ever touch her without her consent, you can consider the treaty broken. Sam has already been told that she is my mate. And as my mate she falls under the Cullen side of the treaty. Just because you let her go on the reservation and break it on a regular basis doesn't mean you get to manhandle her. And the fact might have escaped you but I feel the need to point out to you that Bella's cousin Marcus is much scarier that I could ever hope to be. When he finds out about her hand you will measure your continuing existence in seconds." _Pusillanimous Puppy.

In between those words, we play-acted like humans. I warned Jacob for human ears that if he ever returned Bella to me in a similar condition he'd be missing limbs, reminded him that I was willing to fight hard for Bella's sake, politely insulted his ancestry, and opened the driver's side door of my car.

During my comments Jacob was saying at supernatural frequency, _"You're such a hypocrite playing like you're all moral when I know you're pawing her tits."_ I knew he wouldn't mention the smell of her arousal – that would be admitting defeat.

"_I would never paw her. Only flea-ridden animals paw, Jacob."_

He snorted. _"Liar. I can tell what you've been doing."_

I answered him back smugly, _"What Bella and I do nightly in the privacy of our bed is not your business, pup. A little tip for you, mongrel. True gentleman do not kiss and tell. And for the record, if I ever hear you refer to my bride with such disrespectful language falling from your snout or emanating from your brain in the same sentence, I'll end you. You will stop disrespecting her. Right. Now."_ Moronic meathead.

I could see him stiffen at the words "nightly" and "our" as he suddenly had inappropriate mental images of me doing anatomically impossible things to Bella in bed. Since she appeared to be sexually satisfied in all of them, I chose not to chastise him for his repulsive thoughts about my bride.

We left him standing there, staring, at her Father's side. I couldn't help but give her Father one last furious glare as I sat in the driver's seat. From reading his thoughts, Charlie had received my message loud and clear. Now he was desperately wondering how he could save face with his daughter. He still wanted her to date Jacob so Charlie went through mental contortions excusing Jacob's behavior as simply being an overly hormonal teenager who meant no harm. I did hear – with surprise – him tell Jacob that next time he kissed Bella, she had to give her consent verbally first. Jacob looked at the ground and muttered, "Yes sir."

"You had one shot, Jake, and you blew it. Girls don't like pushy guys. You need to apologize to her," Charlie said.

I stared at Jacob impassively and drove away with an indignant girlfriend in tow, muttering soothing comments in a virtuous tone. She was mad as a wet hen. Jacob was welcome to Charlie. I got to drive off with the girl into the sunset. What was that silly phrase Emmett liked to say, "I totally owned him just then." I think that sounded about right. I had every intention of showing Jacob Black who was the better species. Arrogant ass.

When we were about a block away I heard Jacob say, "Um, Charlie, I don't know how to tell you this but I have reason to believe that Edward and Bella are, well, you know….And seeing how Renee got pregnant so young I just thought you might want to sit Bella down and give her the talk. You know how naïve she is."

_Score!_ I thought in triumph. I considered doing a victory dance around the Volvo as I heard my mate's unwanted suitor accuse us of fornication. I had never been so delighted to be labeled a sinner. I had to hide my smile as, given her anger, my joy could have conveyed the wrong message.

Charlie's thoughts were enraged at the idea of my hands on his little girl, but he also grudgingly accepted that since Bella was over eighteen that she could do as she liked. And frankly, this was the second time Jacob had tattled on Bella to him in a month and he was starting to wonder if the kid had any balls. Charlie couldn't do all the work for him in getting rid of that Cullen kid. Bella looked pretty determined to be with the kid, er, me.

He hemmed and hawed for a moment and said to Jacob, "Bella's an adult and her Mother and I have already had that discussion with her, but thank you for your concern, Jacob." He planned on talking to her later on that night.

Jake looked at the anger in Charlie's face and slowly backed away. He made his goodbyes and waited until he was in the car to start whistling. _Edward was never going to know what hit him. I was going to totally own the metrosexual bitch. And Bella might be mad for a while, but once she started kissing me regularly she'd forget all about the leech. That might have been my almost first kiss but I could tell she was blustering when she told me no. She had to make it look real so the leech wouldn't be mad. I was onto her. I had her number. And that shit about her cousin Michael had to be fake._

Reading Jacob's mind further convinced me that stupidity and the wolf gene were a lethal combination. Jacob didn't even bother to go to the emergency room to check on her injury preferring to go home and relive the almost kiss in his mind much to my and the entire pack's disgust.

Paul tugged on Sam's sleeve and said, "Manhandling women is a sin. Jesus said so."

Sam looked at the rest of the pack brothers and said, "What?"

Embry dragged his foot in the ground and said, "Um, well, we like Bella, and we don't want to see us getting pulled into a fight supporting Jake's troll-like shit."

"He's fucking insane. Does he even know where her lips have been? She sucks on dead things," Colin blurted.

Seth and Embry both hit him at the same time.

"What?" Colin whined, "You know it's true. Leeches don't have a heartbeat. Wait. . . That means he can't get it up, right?"

Sam said, "Gee, I never thought about that. Why don't you ask one of them next time you see them?"

I turned my thoughts from their entertaining banter to focus on my bride.

While Carlisle was setting Bella's hand, I heard Seth complain, "Dude, she totally owned you, man. You got hit by a girl because you suck at kissing. And I may only be sixteen but even I know you shouldn't treat a girl you care about like that. You're a jerk. And if you touch Bella again, Jake, or even try to, I'm going to have to step in and teach you some manners." Jake might have grown significantly. Seth, however was still in the middle of his growth spurt and he was taller than Jake. I reminded myself to set up a scholarship fund to send Seth to college. That boy was a genius. And I was glad to see I was right about the term "own."

With a sigh, I knew that we would soon have to stop engaging the enemy. Bella was becoming suspicious.

It didn't help that my own father who had been around all kinds of hideous odors working in an emergency room, said, "Bella, why don't you take a shower first, and then I'll set your hand."

Bella put two and two together and, seeing his discomfort, leaned down and sniffed her shirt suspiciously.

"Edward, do I really smell that bad?"

Esme tried to save me by calling out from the kitchen, "Bella, I have a clean set of clothing for you laying out upstairs in Edward's bedroom."

"Dearest, it's not you; it's the dogs and they smell every bit as horrid to us as we do to them," I said in a wheedling tone.

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "You are pulling my leg. They smell fine to me." Bella dispatched herself to my shower to wash the stink of the pack off of her so my family could stop hiding.

She seemed genuinely mortified to realize just how bad the wolves stank to us and said, "Gah! When I think of all the times I came back from La Push and threw myself into your arms and you kissed me back without complaining."

"Bella, I would hug you no matter what you smelled like. You're you. And I love you for it." I shuddered. "The rest of the wolves, you really haven't been around much." I thought that would earn me Brownie points, and prayed fervently that she would not figure out what I had done last night. Because even the undead could die.

I realized belatedly that with a broken hand she would have difficulty washing her hair. She seemed to read my mind,

"Edward, I'll be fine. I can do this one-handed. You'll just have to help me dry it, okay? We wrapped her arm in a plastic bag so her brace would stay dry. She gulped, blushed, snatched her robe and dashed into the bathroom. Ten minutes later, after hearing her drop the soap and wash rag several times, I heard the water stop and the sound of her drying herself.

I have never been so enthusiastic to accommodate my love's beauty regimen before, I thought, as she explained to me what conditioner was and how it worked on her hair. Holding a fluffy towel, I made sure to concentrate extra attention on the ends of her tresses at her direction. Aware of my strength, I was frightened that I could tear her hair if I was not careful with it when it was wet. Thankfully, she no longer reeked of dog.

Bella realized at that moment that simply brushing her hair was going to be an ordeal since it was wet and so heavy and her face fell. I said to her, "I'd be delighted to help you with that, too. It would be an honor." I walked with her into the bedroom and had her sit on the bed as I slowly combed and towel dried her hair. I was fascinated as she explained to me that I had to start from the ends and work my way up when combing her hair. I couldn't wait for us to be married. I wanted to shampoo her hair every day for eternity.

Alice and Rosalie decided to return on that note interrupting what had become a wonderful interlude between us. I glared at my sisters as Alice's thoughts told me that Bella couldn't put her lingerie on by herself with a broken hand and that I needed to go running or I'd . . . well, never mind. I kissed Bella chastely on the lips inhaling the fresh scent of her in appreciation. My singer was back, and free of the stench of the dog. All was temporarily well in my world. I fled the room at vampire speed, having reached my limit of sensual stimulation for the day.

**Please review! **


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.

Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free super-sized servings of serendipitous snark.

If you have your PM's disabled, then I cannot answer your review. Leave me a twitter address or something. I like thanking each reviewer when ff is kind enough to have a program that works.

**Snarky Summary: Bella and Jacob came to blows. Not _that_ kind of blow. Degenerate. He tried to kiss her, and she told him to kiss off. With her fist. Which she broke. Ouch. Charlie proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a moron, taking Jake's side in the conflict. Bella leaves her home, mad as a wet hen to get her hand set by Carlisle. Bella finds out about the Cullens' stench issues with the tribe. As our story begins, Bella's sparklycockblocking future sister-in-laws have taken over from Edward the duty of helping Bella dress. And so we begin.**

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><p>Having just completed a much needed run, I waited downstairs for my sisters to stop torturing, I mean dressing, my dear little wounded one. She'd broken he hand on Jake's dumb pate – which had me all kinds of hot and bothered. Not that way. Deviant. I wanted to make Jake even more miserable than he already was.<p>

Aro was playing chess with one of the newborns, an awkward looking man named Newt. He had a purple mohawk, and what appeared to be a bone pierced into his nose. Ouch. That poor misguided man had just guaranteed that no decent woman would ever accept his suit. Who wanted to suck on metal? Even worse, he had condemned himself to looking like an extra from a Mad Max movie for all of eternity with that hair, those jeans, and that leather vest. That tatoos of naked women were a bit much. Aro, of course, was beating him. But Newt was putting up a good fight.

Aro asked me at vampire pitch, "Have you decided to retaliate against Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Excellent. I propose we move to the final phase of the plan. Alice has already done her part."

My sisters were upstairs listening to Bella rant about what a jerk Jacob had been – absolute music to my ears. I loved it when she came around to my way of thinking. Which was perfectly reasonable. Mostly. Sometimes. Whatever. Jacob was going down. Not that way. Ew. Never. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Just not on me. Or my woman. Or my animals. I may be the world's most repressed vampire sexually speaking, but even I had standards.

"Take her back to her father's house. Night is falling. We have work to do." My sisters, due to that healthy survival instinct, decided to release Bella to my tender loving care. Aro said so.

Bella walked down the staircase tottering on heels that Alice had insisted she break in for the wedding. Low heels. But still. I would never understand some of the things women did for fashion. And don't get me started on the ridiculous amounts of money my sisters spent on attire. The pair of shoes Alice sported cost more than Charlie Swan's mortgage payment.

"Hi." She wrapped her arms around me and leaned up on her tiptoes for a chaste kiss.

The rest of the newborns were in the back yard playing Army dodge ball. Aro threw a ball on one's arm, and he wailed because that meant according to the rules of the game, that his limb had been blown off. I moved back from Bella when I realized that two of the newborns were staring at me kissing her.

One, named Randi said to the other a formerly homeless bum named Swiney, "How does he suck on her face and not her blood?"

Swiny belched and scratched himself. "Beats me. I'd totally hit that."

"Her?" Randi pointed to Bella. "You want the human?"

"Heck no. I like the guy. He's delicious looking."

I took Bella by the arm and said, "Dearest, I'm afraid we must be going." I left to catcalls from the newborns. Damn them. On the way home, I said to Bella, "I have some errands to run. I need to hunt. I'll be in, but I'll be late."

"Fine. The painkiller your dad gave me is starting to kick in. I'm beat." She leaned over, kissed me just enough to drive me insane, and walked to her front door. Women. Crazy every last one of them. Especially mine. How I loved her. I mean, really, she could be spending the nights in my bed, and she chose instead to go to her chaste twin mattress under her father's roof. I was delighted that she was finally going to see the light. Just as soon as I finished with Jake.

When Bella returned to her house, I heard her Father wade into unchartered territory.

Charlie said, "Bella we need to have a father daughter talk right now." He shifted from foot to foot appearing to suffer from a bad case of hemorrhoids or pinworms. Maybe both.

"Yes?"

"It's about Edward."

"What?"

"Look, I know you're having sex with him."

"_Excuse _me?"

"You heard me."

Bella glared at her father. She must have learned that look from me, because it sure intimidated him. "Have you seen any thing to give you that idea?"

"Er, well, no."

"Have you heard any noises coming from my room that might lead you to believe that?"

"No."

"Then what possible reasoning do you have to accuse me of that?"

"Jake says he smelled that you two had sex this morning when you went over there."

"He what? Ew! That's absolute crap!"

At that moment Bella's cell phone received an incoming text message. Alice told her that her appointment with the Ob/Gyn doctor was in fifteen minutes and she needed to hurry. Alice had seen this coming and had scheduled one for Bella a month ago.

Irate, my beautiful bride glared at her Father and said, "Let's go, you're driving."

"Where are we going?"

"The hospital."

"Is your hand bothering you?"

"No more than usual. You're coming with me to see the doctor. No more questions, Dad. Move it."

She then proceeded to take him down to the hospital and sit there while she was tested for her annual pap smear. Bella also explained her predicament to her outraged doctor who gladly took samples from her and, after signing consent forms, carefully explained to Charlie who squirmed with embarrassment that his daughter was in fact a virgin and had no signs of any sexual activity in any way in her lower region. No bruising, no tearing, no fluids…Charlie stopped the doctor when she held out the results of the test at him.

Being the sensitive man that I am, I, of course, ran to the hospital to wait in the doctor's lobby. When Bella emerged with tears in her eyes I took her in my arms. She refused to look at her Father. My beleagured beloved waited until we reached the parking lot to explode.

"It was bad enough that you took Jake's side when he assaulted me today. I couldn't believe my own father would tell someone that he was glad that he kissed me against my will. Not only did you fail as a father, but as an officer of the law I'm just …..I feel sorry for the women in this town if that's how you act when they complain about being harmed." Charlie's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

"Now Bella….you know Jake didn't mean it that way. He's a good kid. And he's only sixteen."

"I've just proved that he's a liar. Has that occurred to you yet? This is the second time in one day you've taken his side over my own. You believed him over me and I had to take you to a doctor's office and get _examined_ in order to convince you because my word alone wasn't good enough. I'm not giving you a third strike. I'm moving out."

My heart soared. Yes! I did a mental victory dance. And an imaginary fist pump or five. In the pricacy of my own mind, thank you very much. I could be discreet.

Charlie sqwacked, "What?"

"I'll get my things later. Right now I can't even bear to look at you." Tears ran down her face.

"You're not moving in with him." He pointed at me with a shaking finger.

"You're right. I'm not. Yet," this was unexpected I looked down at her wearing an equally shocked face, "I'm moving in with Cousin Marcus. So I'll still be under a relative's roof. I'm done talking." We walked away without a word. I could tell from Charlie's thoughts that he was frantic trying to figure a way out of this mess. I could also tell that he realized in that moment that he had alienated his daughter and driven her straight into my arms. Mentally, I might possibly have stuck out my tongue and blew raspberries at Charles Swan.

"_I've never missed Renee more. She'd know what to say. I am so screwed. Hey, maybe I can call those dating consultants that came by my place. Where'd I put their card?"_

Bella took out her phone and dialed Jake's number.

"Hey Bells," he answered using what he called his "sexy voice". I could tell from his thoughts that he was dancing from foot to foot. He had heard through the grapevine that Bella had shown up to the hospital dragging Charlie looking humiliated. Jake was thinking that he'd play the extra sensitive best friend. She'd be in his bed in no time after of course he made her bathe ten times to wash the leech stink off of her. His eyes glassed over and he grabbed his crotch thinking about, ew, heaven's no, to my Bella.

"Do not call me Bells ever again. I just got done having a medical exam to prove to my Father that I am not having sex with Edward, not that it's any of your business."

"That fucker," Jake hissed at wolf pitch, "He lied! I knew it! I'm gonna get me some of Bella tonight!"

"It's good to know you're still a vir-I mean I was only acting as your friend."

"Friends don't try to force kisses on other friends. You know what else? They also don't lie to their friend's father trying to bust up an engagement. So I guess that means we're done as friends. Lose my number." she said and hung up the phone. My Bella. She was astounding! And getting a new phone.

Jake slammed down the phone and immediately phased and ran into the woods where his pack was. Considering he had phased with a raging erection, his visit was not well received. The entire pack instantly heard the entire episode on the pack grapevine. While holding my enraged fiancée I had the joy of hearing the pack blast Jake for being, what was that word, "a total douche" according to Seth Clearwater.

"Ew, Jake, get away from us with that thing." Brady backed away from Jake, who sniffed at his um, nether regions.

Paul waved a hand and primly said, "Jake, I'm not interested. Jesus would not approve."

Bella cried, pulling me away from all things stenchpack.

"Dearest, I am so sorry. What did he do?"

"I just realized how stupid I've been. He's such a jerk. I don't think he ever was my friend." She wrapped her arms around my waist. I patted her back. How I hated to see her weep. Although it was for a good cause. A moral one, too. Even Marcus and Aro said so.

I may have had a twinge or two of regret for putting her through this, but the pay off was worth it. Jacob Black 0 Edward Cullen 2. Game and match.

"How about I take you back to the Park and kiss you senseless?" I breathed on her.

"Have I told you that you're the world's greatest fiancé today?" She kissed my shoulder as she stood in the circle of my arms. She had no idea the lengths I was willing to go to in order to hear those words.

"Come along my love, I have a sudden urge to have my wicked way with you," I said as I carried her to the edge of the forest and slung her over my back. I had no intention of taking it past kissing and I could tell by her face that she understood. In the lush grass under the green canopy surrounded by the bloom of wildflowers, I lay her down and pulled her up against me. Gently, I brought my lips to hers amazed at how every single time this electrical charge ran through us both and I always wanted more as pleasure coursed through me.

I didn't regret for a second setting Jacob up for his fall as it removed an unsavory element from her life with a minimum of damage. And I managed to have the moral high ground in the process, and be the good guy and sensitive fiancé kissing my bride senseless with great pleasure. In the aftermath of my deceit, I was determined to let her know in every way that I could that day with my lips, and my taste, and my touch, and my scent that I was every bit as much hers as she was mine. I may have breathed on her to the point where combined with my kisses she experienced a low level climax a time or two. She was mortified and I looked at her in triumph telling her that I was awed that my kisses had such potent effect on her. What she didn't know about my breath wouldn't hurt me. And then I did it again just to prove my point. Three more times. I wanted to dance around the meadow screaming with male satisfaction as I smelled her arousal and the endorphins running through her system. Having her in my arms pushing away my own sexual frustration and seeing to her needs was worth every second.

After stopping by my house for another shower and change of clothes, Bella had to explain to me that she didn't need her hair washed this time as I sulked. She did compromise to let me brush it for half an hour.

"We need to call Marcus." I punched in his number into my phone and handed it to Bella.

"Are you sure this is okay? He barely knows me."

"He likes you, and he has accepted you under his protection. Besides, it will cheer him up. Yes, I'm sure."

"Cousin Marcus?" Bella asked.

"Yes, my dear."

"My dad and I had a big fight."

"What happened?"

"Jacob Black kissed me. I hit him. Dad seemed to think that I was in the wrong. Jake lied to him and told him I was . . . having sex with Edward. I had to go to the hospital to get a doctor's exam before my Dad would believe me. I've had it."

"My dear, I will handle this. You already have a room waiting for you at my home. Please come."

"Thank you." Bella wiped away a tear.

"Could you pass the phone to Edward, please?"

"Sure. Thanks."

"Describe what happened."

"The dog manhandled her on the Quileute reservation. She hit him so hard she broke her hand. Her father seems to be biased in favor of Jacob, despite him being the law around here and his daughter having been assaulted."

Marcus' question was music to my ears. "Can I get away with killing her father?"

"Alas, no. That would upset her. She just lost her mother, who was, if possible, even more useless."

"What about Jacob?"

It killed me to say this. "That would prove problematic unfortunately. Best wait."

"I believe I'll be taking some of my soldiers and paying the tribe a visit soon. It's about time we became properly acquainted. Thank you, Edward. Call up your animal friends. This means war." He ended the call.

**Ruh-roh. Fun with Marcus next!**

**Please review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta-ing. And to pomme_de_terre for the pre-reading.

Many thanks as well to JaJiTaXx, EternalSummer79, _rel8tivity_, TwiHusband, KristinHazzard, ContentedTwiCow, StellaNox, Mamabean30, and Camilla10 for the help with the nicknames.

Thanks to everyone for reading. The animals are back. Promise.

Before I forget, please put me on Author Alert. I have a new story I'll be posting in the next month or so. It's called Unbecoming, and it's AH.

Story Summary for Unbecoming: In the aftermath of her divorce, a heartbroken Bella Swan looks for danger to give meaning to her life. If only her hot ex-husband would stay out of the picture.

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><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen: It's a Zoo Around Here<strong>

Unfortunately, we had to return to high school. After watching over her most of the night, I left for a quick bite to eat. As the sun attempted in vain to peer through the thick clouds, I let Bella sleep in an extra thirty minutes before showing up to Marcus' house to wake her. I was used to jumping through her window, but with the security that Marcus had, that was not an option.

Marcus already had a breakfast waiting for her.

"Edward, do you think she will like this?" Marcus sounded worried. He had a bowl of cereal – Bella's favorite, along with a plate of eggs and bacon. A cup of orange juice sat by a glass of milk. Bella was definitely going to be well fed.

"She enjoys all of those foods, Marcus."

Marcus said. "Excellent. I learned how to cook for her." I tried not to be jealous. He made better food than I did.

I went upstairs to wake her and see if she needed help.

She came awake as I opened the door to her room.

"Morning, love. How are you?"

Bella ran her broken hand through her hair, then yelped and stared at her hand. "That smarts."

I held out a bottle, "Father wants you taking pain killer."

"That will make me sleepy."

"It's better than being in pain."

"Right." Bella took the tablets from me. She crawled out of bed, swallowed her medication, and put her arms around me.

"I love you." I smiled at her words. She was my life.

I kissed her gently. "I love you, too, Bella Swan. I can't wait to make you Bella Cullen. Do you need to wash your hair?"

"Only at night. If you can help me get dressed that would be great."

Fifteen minutes later, I managed to escort her downstairs with her virtue intact. Barely. I had no idea how she breathed wearing those brassiere contraptions. Maybe I needed to have Alice talk to her about getting ones that were bigger. I'd have to ask her later. Sometimes you had to use tact around Bella.

"Good morning, Cousin Marcus. Oh wow! Is that for me?"

"I wasn't sure what you liked to eat, so I made a variety. I also have your lunch ready in that container over there."

"You're the best," Bella smiled.

"Marcus, Bella will need you to come to school with her this morning."

"I'm happy to do so. Why?"

"Well, now that she's living under your roof, the school needs to know your contact information in case of an emergency. It's just a formality."

"But of course." Marcus turned to Demetri, "Get the car ready. We're going to Forks High School."

"Bella, Edward, you've only a few days left before you graduate. Aren't you all taking your finals tomorrow?"

Bella groaned, "I have so much studying to do."

I wish I could do it for her. There was no task too small that I would do in order to see that luminous smile.

"I'm sure you'll do well. I'm happy to tutor you."

My siblings entered the house with their usual clamor. Aro followed with his newborns. Marcus greeted them and asked, "Alice, would you help me figure out what human males would wear to such an occasion?" Marcus asked.

Alice clapped her hands together and said, "You're in good hands. But first, we need to get that hair cut. Human men wear it shorter if they want to be seen as respectable."

Marcus snapped his fingers. "Felix."

"Yes, master."

"I believe I'm going to require your services."

Emmett said, "Wait, you cut hair?"

Felix sniffed, "I was a top stylist before I was turned." He clicked his tongue as he examined Marcus' face and walked around him in a circle. "Yes, yes, layers in the back will do for you. Such nice hair you have, too. I feel a masterpiece haircut coming on." Marcus sat in the kitchen and we all gathered around to watch. It wasn't every day a vampire cut his or her hair. It would never grow back. Even the newborns gathered around to watch on Aro's insistence. He was hoping that some of the men with longer hair would be inspired to emulate Marcus.

An hour later, I almost didn't recognize Marcus – he looked so different with short hair. I'm sorry to say that long hair on him was not particularly flattering.

Marcus said to Felix, "You have my thanks, Felix, for a job well done." Felix preened.

Demetri said, "Um, Felix could you cut my hair too?"

"Mine, too!" Yelled the newborn with the safety pins in her face. "I want a haircut!"

"Haircut! Haircut! Haircut!" The newborns chanted. Felix gawped at them, bemused beyond words.

Aro crooned, "Yes, children, you shall all have haircuts. Please get in line and keep your hands to yourselves. We must not break anything in dear Marcus's beautiful home."

Felix brightened. He loved a challenge. That safety-pin faced girl was definitely going to require all his skill.

I met Bella in the school parking lot as she alighted from Marcus' black bullet-proof SUV. I whispered at vampire pitch, "Bullet proof?"

"Only the best for Isabella. She's so fragile. I can't have her harmed."

Marcus was my hero. He snapped his fingers and we were surrounded by guards wearing black suits and sunglasses. We made quite the spectacle walking towards the office.

Mrs. Cope's eyes bulged as she cleared her throat nervously and asked, "What can I do for you?"

Marcus said, "Isabella Swan is my cousin and resides under my roof. Are there any forms that I need to fill out for her emergency contact information?"

"Oh, just fill these out."

"Thank you."

Marcus sat down with Bella by his side helping him with the answers on some of the items that bewildered him. Like what a modern address was.

"Can't I just say I live in Forks? Everyone knows I bought that old McClarran farm."

"It doesn't work that way, Cousin Marcus," Bella giggled.

"If we ran the world it would be so much simpler," he grumbled.

He wrote at just under vampire speed and carried the completed form back to the fascinated Mrs. Cope.

Mrs. Cope saw the engagement ring on Bella's hand and immediately got the wrong idea. Five minutes later, the rumor had started spreading in the high school that Bella had moved out of Charlie's place to live with some hot Italian guy that she was related to and engaged to as well. I was going to have to do something drastic like kiss her in public and declare her mine, since urinating on her was not an option, physiologically speaking. Alas. The things I had to stoop to in order to show my love. Can't a miscreant demon be left to romance his maiden in peace? Mortals! Troublesome nincompoops every last one of them. Except for mine.

The morning bell would ring in five minutes. As we walked Marcus back to his car, I took Bella's hand in my own and kissed it. She smiled and blushed.

"We will see you later, Cousin Marcus."

"I shall pick you up when school is over. Your security detail is discreet but nearby should you need them."

Bella looked at me and mouthed, "Security detail?"

"Marcus has men stationed in the woods around the school in case you should need anything."

"Aw, how sweet is that?" She hugged Marcus, "You're the best." That earned a rare smile from him and caused his guards to beam at Bella. As Marcus stepped away he suddenly stilled sniffing the air. I looked around wondering what had him so disconcerted. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Marginal-in-every-way-that-mattered Mike Newton flirted with the horse-faced Jessica Stanley ten feet away. Lauren Mallory shrieked into her cell phone like a demented harpy something about Jimmy Choo shoes. Tyler Crowley loitered with a group of guys who played football talking about who would win next season's Super Bowl. Angela Weber smiled and waved at her departing mother as the woman drove away with her twin sons trying to strangle each other in the back seat of the car.

Then I read Marcus' mind. And oh. This was not good. One second he stood there smiling like he'd just won the vampire lottery and the next he moved faster than my eye could capture and scooped Angela Weber into his arms and dashed off into the woods. The humans never saw a thing.

Five of his guards immediately followed.

Bella blanched and yelped, "What the heck was that? Please tell me he's not going to _drink_ Angela. Edward, can you go after him and please let him know she's a close friend of mine."

"Relax. Marcus has met his mate."

"Angela is his mate?"

"He believes so."

"Angela? She's so sweet and innocent and nice. I can't see her mingling with the Volturi."

Golly, Marcus sure worked fast. He had Angela pressed against a tree and whispered, "I have waited thousands of years for you, my love, to return to me. We shall never be separated again." And that cheesy line seemed to work like a charm on her. I need to take notes. Marcus was, as Emmett would say, "the man."

Angela blinked up at him in confusion. "I have a boyfriend. His name is Ben."

Marcus kissed her.

He brushed his thumb across her full lower lip. "Who was that you were talking about?"

"I can't remember. You're really hot. What's your name?"

"I am called Marcus. And you are Angela, yes?"

"That's me. Can you kiss me again?"

Marcus kissed her and then ghosted his lips across her neck and – never mind. I'm now scarred for life.

"Where are you taking me?" Angela asked as he lifted her and began to run.

"Home. Forever."

"Fine with me."

"We're getting married, too."

"Awesome."

The moronic thoughts of Jessica Stanley brought me back to focusing on my immediate surroundings. She had just heard the rumor of Bella's alleged engagement to Marcus and was betting that I'd ask her – the sheepheaded stalker - out that evening to get over my heartbreak. I think not. If Jessica Stanley were the last female on earth, I'd become a hermaphrodite.

I leaned over and kissed Bella chastely for all to see. "We have a wedding to discuss later." Bella smiled as I walked her to her first class of the morning.

Jessica Stanley translated my words to mean, "Bella is pregnant with Edward Cullen's love child and is forcing him to participate in a shotgun wedding." By the end of first period, the dim denizens of Forks had decided that two different men were fighting over the hand of the lovely Miss Swan, who was pregnant with my love child. They also added to the mix that he-who-hangs-with-hot-strippers Chief Charlie Swan had kicked her out of his house because of said alleged impossible-to-exist-venom-spawned child. I was a doctor. Twice. Professional. I certainly knew how to avoid getting his daughter pregnant. The easiest method? Have lots of sex with a vampire. Preferably me.

As we walked into our first period class, I heard Jessica Stanley whispering to two girls next to her, "Everyone saw Bella and Edward at the OB/Gyn clinic at the hospital yesterday. She was crying and he was hugging her. I swear to God she's pregnant."

Fortunately, Bella did not hear any of this.

"Hey Bella," Mike Newton tapped her on the shoulder. I wanted to break his fingers for having the gall to touch her.

"Hey Mike," Bella said.

"Um, that's an awfully big ring you have on your left hand." All the other students immediately started staring.

"It is indeed."

"So are you engaged?"

"I am."

"To who?" It should be 'to whom' oh my stars, our education system was creating morons.

Bella looked startled, "To Edward, of course, Whom else would I be engaged to?"

"Well, there's this rumor going around that you're living with your new fiancé, that guy you were with this morning."

"That is my Cousin Marcus. Yes, I am living with him, and ew. Not interested in him like that at all. He's old and not my type." That was an understatement on his age. The next time Jasper accused me of robbing the cradle, I was going to point out the example of his personal rock star Marcus. Talk about a May-December romance.

Mike held up his hands in a gesture of peace. "Okay. Well congratulations."

Jessica Stanley watched the whole thing with her big mouth gaping open like a swine at the butcher shop window. She couldn't believe that she'd lost her chance at me. She reminded herself that I wasn't married yet and therefore fair game.

"So, Edward," she whispered in what she considered to be a sultry tone.

I gave her a cold stare.

"Will you help me with my homework after school? You're so good at this stuff."

"I'm sorry, Jessica, but I have another commitment. Perhaps you should ask your boyfriend, Mike."

Mike sat up straighter in his chair and said, "Yeah, Jess, I'd be happy to help you. I'm all about English."

Lauren Mallory was rude enough, when class ended to look pointedly at Bella's midsection and say, "You're not showing."

"What?" Bella looked at her like she was insane.

"Well, the only reason Cullen would propose to someone like you would be if he got you pregnant."

Bella's eyes narrowed and she said, "I'm not pregnant, Lauren."

"Sure."

I decided to step in. "Lauren, I would love nothing more than if she was pregnant. But she's not – although after we are married, I have every intention of practicing for that blessed event." Bella started fanning herself and giggled. Lauren rolled her eyes and scurried away like the cockroach she was.

And then, the unthinkable happened. Lauren tripped over Rosalie's outstretched at vampire speed leg. She hurtled to the ground, lost both her shoes, tore her stockings, and rolled around shrieking. Rosalie sauntered over and put a foot on Lauren's chest. "Listen, bitch. Bella is family. Keep your claws out of her and my brother or you'll deal with me."

She didn't bother hiding that natural predator stare and Lauren took note that her life could be measured in seconds. Message received loud and clear from her jumbled thoughts.

Lauren said, "Yes, Rosalie."

"Excellent. Let's not have this conversation again." My sister removed her foot and walked off through the crowd of teenagers that parted like the Red Sea in her wake. Show off.

School passed quickly after that. I had every class with Bella and took notes for her since she could not. I was only too happy to walk my beloved out to Marcus' waiting SUV. The guards that surrounded us made an impressive sight. Chief Swan, hoping to talk to his daughter, showed up just in time to see her walking across the parking lot, surrounded by dark suited men and my siblings and I.

"_Holy smokes! I had no idea Marcus was in the mafia. I'm going to have to investigate him and maybe call the FBI now. Can't have my baby girl staying with someone who's into that."_

I coughed into my hand. Alec looked over at me and said in Italian, "What's so funny?"

"That's Bella's father over there. At the sight of you all in your suits, he has now decided that Marcus is in the mob."

Alec laughed and said, "Well, he kind of is. Just the original one."

"Where's Angela?" Bella asked Marcus.

"She is insisting that I properly marry her, so I have returned her to her father's house temporarily." Marcus almost had a dreamy expression on his face. That man was whipped!

We found Aro and his newly shorn newborns training in the back yard once we got to our house.

Bruce "the badass" honey badger walked through the newborns like it was his God-given right and tugged on Aro's pant leg.

"What have we here?" Aro seemed amused.

"That's the honey badger. He's been quite helpful. Vindictive little guy. His name is Bruce."

"Your ability with animals fascinates me. I wonder if my gift works with them," Aro's eyes actually twinkled. No really.

I told Bruce that if he wanted to get his way he had to raise a paw to Aro. Grumbling, Bruce held up his paw and Aro touched it gently.

"Yes, oh I see that you are from Africa originally. Oh, how this part of the world must be upsetting to you, my dear friend. Ah, I see what you did to Paul. Jesus would approve, methinks," Aro giggled.

Safety pin girl was chewing gum loudly, "So, what does he want?"

"Vengeance. And another go at Jacob. He's my kind of animal." Aro actually petted the badger, and much to my surprise, the badger seemed to like it. He climbed up and perched on Aro's arm. I think Aro had a new minion, and the way he cradled Bruce reminded me of Dr. Evil.

Several other animals crept out of the forest to see what was going on. Aro now was surrounded by Frick and Frack the raccoon brothers, Huey, Dewey, and Louie my three favorite skunks, and Deadeye, a hawk. Aro beamed and gazed around in wonder. With his new entourage, he looked like the vampire St. Francis.

Aro clapped in delight and chirped, "Bruce the badger had an excellent idea! My minion requires more friends. It won't do to have him lonely."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

The Volturi historian peered at me through his smoke colored wire rim glasses that he probably stole from Ozzy Osborne. "We're going to the zoo. Isn't that what parents are supposed to do with their children?"

"Yes, I think."

"Well, I must take my children to the zoo. It's only right."

"You'd have to go all the way to Seattle, and at this hour it's closed."

Aro clicked his tongue. "No matter. We'll jump the fence." He turned to Emmett, "You should get a truck capable of transporting animals. We will need it."

Carlisle knew better than to protest when Aro got like this. He looked at Emmett and said, "Take Rosalie, Alice, and no matter what don't get caught."

Emmett laughed. "No problem there."

I decided to stay behind. My Bella needed me. She'd been through an ordeal with that broken hand. She might need to take a shower again. She had needs. And I'm a sensitive vampire Prince Charming. Really. Shut up. Fine, she needed help studying, too.

Emmett and Aro and his entourage returned in the middle of the night. I left Bella sleeping safe in her bed when Aro texted me that he was on his way.

"Marcus, Aro wants to speak with us."

"What about?"

"If I had to guess, he's come up with a new way to torture Jacob."

"Marvelous. I owe that young dog a visit." Marcus tossed that comment out there as if he were discussing the weather. I almost, almost felt sorry for Jacob until my better nature took over.

Using my gift, I checked on Jacob. Despite his Father's prohibition concerning drugs, Jacob was in his room with the door shut, puffing away. He had disabled the smoke alarm. Didn't he realize how unsafe that was? He looked on the edge of falling asleep. He could start a fire and die. Which would be awesome. But, it would most likely make my beloved weep – which would not be awesome. I hated seeing her distressed. It made me cranky. Upset my digestion, too.

Gus poked me and asked what I was doing in gopher-ese, "I am checking on Jacob." Gus had renamed him Stinky Skunk Killer and watned to know if he was presently stinking. "He's smoking."

Gus thought Jacob required more attention from us.

"I can't go on Quileute land."

Gus pointed to the trees. Come to think of it, the Black house was perched right on the treeline. This could work. Jacob appeared thoroughly drugged. This could also be fun. Vindictive, too. I thought my family definitely should get in on the fun.

I went downstairs just in time to run into Aro and his pack of newborns. They looked like they had taken half the zoo with them. They had two huge cats, the deadly kind, a giraffe, three chimpanzees, and an elephant.

Aro liked getting into character. He snapped his fingers. One of his children scurried to his side, "Yes, Father?"

"Bring me the black bag from the car."

"At once, Lord."

They were laying it on pretty thick. Aro beamed and then started stripping. I turned my back.

"What are you doing?"

"If we're going to do this the right way, they can't smell us. Strip."

"Why?"

"This," he held up a bottle, "blocks our scent for twenty-four hours."

"Yes, but why do you have Bella's body wash?"

"Extra torture of Jacob."

I was all for that.

"Call your animal friends," Aro instructed. I did the vampire equivalent of the Tarzan cry. Fifteen minutes later, I had a crowd of gophers, skunks, raccoons, various spiteful birds, and a few goats.

Marcus said, "What's the plan?"

His smile made my stomach clench. Aro said, "I'm doing the nickname deal."

Marcus laughed. "Excellent. What nickname are you going to use for Jacob?"

I was all for, "He who must be dismayed." But that sounded too wordy.

One of the newborns said, "If you are going to insult someone, it should be in French. Call him, _chien sal_, or dirty dog."

Safety Pin girl said, "I like Virgin skunkbait."

Emmett laughed, "I'm all for the poster boy for spaying and neutering."

Aro said, "Keep going. I haven't heard the right one."

Someone bellowed, "Stinky McDouche!"

Another cried out, "Were-schmuck!"

"No," another shouted, "Were-putz!"

Felix sniffed, "Well, I suggest Italian – _cane di merda_ seems a good fit." Jacob definitely was a shitty dog.

Jane decided to contribute. "_Perro sarnoso_ means scabious dog in Spanish."

Emmett said, "I like Fudu."

Aro's eyes lit up. "Doesn't that mean someone who messes up at everything he tries?"

"Yep."

"Perfect. Fudu is the nickname we'll give him."

Aro had a large bag he handed to a burly newborn. "Carry that while we take to the trees."

We made it to Jacob's in ten minutes with all my siblings in tow. Jasper's enthusiasm was contagious. Aro had to order the newborns not to chant, "Stinky!"

If you had asked me if I'd be stripping in a crowd of newborns and dousing myself in foul liquids a month ago, I would have asked what you were smoking. I have no idea how he managed it, but Aro pulled a hollowed out bear head that was a rather lifelike replica of a real one – out of a sack and slipped it onto his head. So there stood Aro, as naked as a jaybird balancing a bear head on his skull.

Billy Black was watching a game at Charlie's. Thanks to Tanya and her sisters, Charlie's place was quite popular with the male population of Forks. He had friends dropping by expecting strippers to fall from the sky. Morons.

Aro put the bear's head on top of his skull like a native carrying a basket. One of the newborns draped him in a black robe that covered his head but left his, ahem – well HIM dangling in the breeze. Aro had painted his body dark red. Down there, too. Method actor.

"Jacob!" He crooned over the snoring toad.

"What?" Jacob wiped drool from his mouth and blinked up at Aro. "What the fuck?"

Jasper used his gift to keep Jacob calm enough to pay attention.

"Do not be afraid."

"Who are you?"

"I have many names. You should know I am your real father."

"What's your name?"

"Well, some like to call me Lucifer."

"Are you the devil?" Jacob scratched at his chest.

"I like to think of it as king of another realm, yes."

"I can't be your kid."

"Why?"

"Cause I don't have a huge red dick. You're like seriously hung."

"Oh, my poor child. You get that when you're thirty-nine, but _only_ if you are a virgin." That man was evil. Inspired, too. Jacob's eyes bulged.

"For real?"

"In _every_ way. That's very important. No oral for you or any one you date. No kissing. Nothing." Aro wagged a finger at Jake.

Jake yelped, "But I tried to kiss Bella the other day!"

"I'll give you one mistake. Consider that it. No more, Jacob."

"Thank you!"

"I still can't be your kid," Jacob sulked.

"Why?"

Jacob threw up his hands and wailed, "If my dad is the devil, why aren't I more of a bad ass? This is unfair! I can't even smoke pot without getting shit!"

Aro crooned, "Come, now, you're just a late bloomer, my son. You're real name, Jacob, is Fudu. Anyone who ever uses it, you should consider as a messenger from me." Aro took out a powder and blew it on Jacob, who instantly passed out.

Aro whispered into my ear. "You went to medical school, did you not?"

"I did."

"Excellent. Listen closely to what I have planned for Jacob."

My siblings and I were gobsmacked. Aro was almost as evil as Marcus.

Rosalie said, "I'll help. I insist."

"Ah, excellent, that leaves Edward to handle the animals."

"I think the back yard should suffice, Rosalie, as your theater."

"It's not like I'm worried about him developing an infection." She said to her husband, "Bring the dog."

Six newborns were gathered around Jake's rusty VW Rabbit. Maybe they were ruining the brakes. What? I can dream. One took out a spray can of red paint and went to work, spraying, "666 Forever!" and "Satan rules!" on the sides of the car. Another painted some impressive looking flames on the hood of the car.

Then, we definitely broke the spirit of the treaty. When Rosalie was done with Jacob, she gave him a strong dose of pain killer and watched his flesh knit back and supernatural speed with a satisfied smirk on her face. Emmett said, "Babe, that is so cool!" He took a few pictures for posterity. They deposited him in his father's recliner.

Bruce bit through Jacob's bedding and the animals shredded the mattress. They made sure to defecate in all of Jake's sneakers. The goats ate the living room carpet and all of Jake's school books. The crowning touch, I feel, was when the skunks sprayed Jacob's marginal-for-a-teenager porn collection. The animals created an assembly line with the raccoons opening up each centerfold, and Douglas and Gus clawing holes in, ahem, strategic locations, before they handed the magazines to the skunks.

Jake had a bean bag in the corner of his room that looked like it had been squashed. The skunks chewed holes through the vinyl and the raccoons jumped up and down on the bean bag, sending the pinto beans all over the place.

Gus decided that Jacob's pants that hung in the closet could use some altering. He and Douglas chewed holds in them in random locations.

The cats decided to use their claws on the sofa. Not to be outdone, the elephant decided to smash the kitchen table, and leave some monster sized waste in Jacob's room. The animals went through the pantry and made sure to smash open each container they could and scatter the food everywhere. We looked around the Black residence and smiled at a job well done. On our way out the door, we left a few signs in the front yard. We went back to Marcus' to wait.

I washed the grime from me, and crawled in bed with my bride. She had a slight frown on her face, so I woke her up to give her more pain medication. She slid right back into sleep with her arms tucked up against my chest.

Four hours later, Aro desired my presence. "Edward," he called from downstairs.

"Yes?" I answered at vampire pitch. Thank God for supernatural hearing. It wouldn't do to disturb my bride. Sighing, I put aside the baby catalog I'd been perusing. What? Okay, fine. The odds of me impregnating my bride were equal to that of Jacob growing a functional brain. But there were plenty of orphans in this world. We were going to adopt. Soon. Bella would be so surprised. I sighed as I imagined her ecstatic reaction at being handed our first child. We were already on waiting lists in China and Russia.

Aro's voice jarred me from my pleasant daydream. "Come outside and tell me what our dear Jacob is doing?"

Carlisle had stopped by and laughed, "I would pay good coin to see this." Mother, Marcus, and my siblings gathered on the patio while Bella slept undisturbed upstairs.

The Volturi guard pretended to appear bored. The newborns squirmed, eager to hear the news.

"Billy just arrived."

"Who is that?" Aro asked.

"Jacob's father. Even better, Paul is in hysterics in the front yard."

Aro chortled, "What is he saying? Is he wailing about Jesus?"

"Yes. Loudly. He's praying and telling Billy that his son has the devil in him." I laughed. "Wait," I held up a hand, "Back to Billy. He's got Paul with him. He just opened the door to the house. His daughter is also with him."

"Jake!" Billy's voice halted as he gawped at the sight before him. Jake was stark naked, his skin dyed scarlet, splayed in Billy's favorite recliner. He had horns coming out of his head. Feathers were scattered all over every surface. Jake had some that were stuck in the drool on his chin that fluttered with every snore. On the remains of the coffee table, were the remains of twenty joints.

Paul screamed, "Jesus Christ! Oh my Sweet Lord. I have to go get Sam. This is bad! Jesus would be horrified!" He fled the house and phased.

The food from the kitchen, or what was left of it, was all over the floor.

Jake woke, "Oh, hey Pops!"

"What have you done?" Billy roared while his daughter turned her back to give Jake some privacy. It was about then that Jake realized he was naked he looked around for something to cover himself with and then took a good look at his skin. Jake screamed. He leapt up and ran to the kitchen, where he found all his favorite sugary cereals decorating the floor alongside the cracked eggs and spilled milk. He picked up a cereal box and tried to use that as a privacy sheld as he scurried to his room. He shook his head and opened the door to his room and bellowed.

Billy rolled through the mess in the kitchen.

Jake's eyes watered. "Miss September!" he wailed as he pointed to her shredded remains. I think the crowning achievement was persuading a flock of bats to leave their very best at that moment on Jacob's car. All the neighbors saw it along with the Satan signs painted on Jake's car and started talking.

Jake said, "Dad, I swear I didn't do this!"

"Who did?"

"Satan."

"What?"

"Well, he came by the house last night and told me he was my real dad. I asked him for a sign." Jacob then got a look in the mirror and fainted. Billy got on the phone and called Sam.

Five hours later, Marcus took it upon himself to pay a personal visit to the tribe accompanied by his escort of five hundred troops.

Sam and the rest of the pack phased and were panicked as they stared around, clearly outnumbered.

"_Holy fucking shit!"_ Sam breathed as he took in the expanse of vampire soldiers cooly studying him.

Paul wailed._ "Oh Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Help me, Jesus."_

Sam slapped Paul. _"Chill with the Jesus routine. Pray in your head. I can't think over your whining."_

Marcus looked at Sam and said, "I take it that you are the alpha?" Sam nodded in response.

"Please phase. I'd like to converse with Jacob Black as well."

Jacob, unable to phase because of the drugs in his system, still had the red skin and set of horns. He spluttered, "Me? What the fuck do you want, leech?"

In human form, Sam smacked him, "Manners, asshole."

Sam said to Marcus, "I am Sam Uley. We have an agreement that your kind cannot set foot on Quieleute lands."

"So I've been told by the Cullens. Your agreement, however, is with _them_. Not me. Have the Cullens explained to you who the Volturi are?"

Sam stiffened and said, "They're the leadership of the vampires."

"Excellent. Then you will understand what I mean when I tell you that I am Marcus Telecles, one of the Volturi, their warleader, truth be told. Bella Swan is my cousin."

"What brings you to our land?" Sam asked wearily.

"Him." Marcus pointed to Jacob, who had gone a rather ghostly shade of parchment white. "He manhandled Bella, causing her to break her hand defending her virtue. I find this unacceptable. She is my ward."

Jake walked up to Marcus, crossed his arms and stuck his lower lip out. "I can kiss her if I want. She loves me. She's just slumming it with Edward."

Marcus leaned over and at vampire speed ripped out both horns. Jake fell to the ground shrieking.

"No, Jacob, she does not love you. She has been quite firm in explaining that to you. My gift is to see bonds between people. She and Edward have a unique and strong connection. Bella is now living under my roof, and therefore is under my protection." Marcus turned to Sam, "Your agreement is with the Cullens. I am under no such obligation to you or yours. And I can easily summon thousands more troops. If he ever lays a hand on Bella Swan, he's dead. The only reason I am not wiping out your entire tribe today down to the last infant is because it would cause distress to Bella. I am giving you the courtesy of one warning. You will not get another." While this went on Jake's flesh healed.

Jacob stood up and snarled, "This is complete bullshit. I'll just tell Charlie you threatened us."

Ever so gently, Marcus backhanded Jacob. I'm happy to say that Jacob's body went sailing into a nearby house, and broke through the wall. He scrambled to his feet.

"Do not phase," Sam ordered him. "Do not speak unless I give you permission."

Marcus looked at Jacob like he was an idiot. "In our world there are three rules we live by. First, don't tell. Second, if you turn another, you are responsible. Third, if you break either rule one or rule two, the Volturi will come and show no mercy. If you tell Charlie you will put me in the position of having to turn or kill him. Frankly, Charlie does not have the constitution or discipline required to be a vampire. He would be out of control and would literally go to the only place he feels comfortable in the world – that would be here – to find his first meal. That would mean that you would have to kill him. Do you want to put yourself through that? And Bella? Not to mention your tribe?"

Jacob grumbled. "Fine. I'll fight you."

Sam said, "Not if I won't let you phase."

"Aw, c'mon, Sam! This asshole needs a lesson in manners."

Marcus said, "I am happy to accept his challenge."

"It's your funeral, Jake. The tribe won't avenge you."

"Whatever. Sam. Let me fight."

Sam sighed and said, "You may phase."

Jacob went into wolf form instantly. Marcus took out a metal stick that had spikes coming out of it – a mace – I think it is called. He swung it and hit Jacob's paw. Jake howled as Marcus hit his other front paw. Jake phased back into human form, with two crushed hands screaming his head off.

"You might have asked what type of weapons I have before you so rashly challenged me, young Jacob. This metal forces your kind to heal at a human rate. Awfully inconvenient wouldn't you say?" He said to Sam. "I'm done with him. For now."

The rest of the pack had a crystal clear picture. Marcus was a saint in their minds for not killing Jake right then and there. Even they wanted to strangle him for putting the tribe at risk.

Seth muttered, "Jake, you are too stupid to have a brain stem."

Marcus looked at Jacob in amusement and said, "You seem to think that I don't mean what I say. I've lived over 2,500 years. And Mr. Black, you could say I really know how to hold a grudge. Adding you to the pile of corpses I've slaughtered would be an afterthought, as well as your entire family."

Jacob gulped as he saw the cold flat look of death in Marcus' bright maroon eyes. He might have been afraid a time or two of that Cullen guy, but this one was one serious scary Mother…and he was Bella's cousin. Shoot. He'd have to find another way to persuade her that she loved him without touching her. Women liked that poetry shit, right?

Sam said, "Jake, you owe this man an apology."

"I'm sorry."

"On behalf of my cousin, who you will be leaving alone, I accept." Marcus waved at his troops, "We are done here. Good day."

He said to Jake, "Fudu, if you ever come near Bella or her family again, you're going to incur the wrath of me and your father."

Jake's eyes widened. That dream about Satan was true! Satan didn't want him with Bella! He fainted.

Billy said, "He's going to rehab. When he wakes up forbid him from phasing and give him an alpha order to never take drugs again."

Sam grinned, "Sure."

And with that, Marcus and his men left as quietly as they arrived, vanishing into the surrounding trees.

Sam said in an alpha tone to Jacob once he woke him up, "You will not contact Bella Swan ever again. You will not touch Bella Swan ever again. You will not phase until I give you permission. You will attend the rehab your father sends you to, and you will never take an illegal drug again. Get out of my sight."

Looking on him from afar Seth said to Sam, "Um, he's a complete bonehead."

Sam said, "Why do you think I'm the alpha? He'd get us killed in a week."

After assisting her in packing up her last remaining things from Charlie's house, I drove Bella over to Marcus's estate.

"Edward, Bella, welcome home." Marcus actually smiled like he meant it.

"Thank you so much for having me." Bella suddenly seemed insecure.

"Bella, I have taken you in my protection, and you have nothing to fear. No one will ever touch you against your will."

"I don't know what my dad is going to do."

"I've called him to come over for a man to man chat later. It will probably go better if you join us at the end of it." He handed her a glass of lemonade. "Edward, why don't you take Bella to her new room? It's the second door on the left once you get up the stairs."

"New room?" Bella asked.

"I did some redecorating today."

"Of course," I said. "Come along, dear." I noticed that Marcus had put up an extra rail for Bella to hold onto on the staircase. Her clumsiness never ceased to amaze me. I would have been happier if this place had an elevator, but with as many immortals as there were around, if she fell, I highly doubted she'd land on the ground. Someone would catch her. This place was stuffed to the rafters with Volturi vampires.

"Edward, it's so pretty." Bella's eyes were shining as she stared around the room.

Marcus had taken the time to find out her favorite colors and had personally overseen decorating it for her. The wall behind her bed's headboard was painted an icy blue. White wallpaper strewn with tiny rosebuds covered the others. What Bella liked most about the room was the large Romanesque circular window against one wall that had a window seat underneath it. Knowing she was a reader, Marcus had obtained leather bound copies of all her favorite books to fill the library he had arranged in her room. The desk was cherry and held the latest computer. Perhaps most touching of all, he had found out something about her that even I hadn't known: she had wanted a dog ever since she was a child and had been too afraid to ask for one after her fish died.

Marcus had his men bring back a mastiff. He planned on personally training the dog himself. Even I had to admit the man had exceptional taste. I don't think Esme could have done so well. Bella looked around the room in delight. She'd taken her last final exam today. No more high school for us.

Bella started wringing her hands. "Um, Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I should have listened to you about Jacob, earlier."

"Bella, he was your friend at a time when you really needed him. I can see why you would want to keep him in your life."

"Then how did things get so messed up?"

"The friendship changed in Jacob's mind. It become a contest, and in the process, he forgot about your feelings."

"I can't believe her went to my dad. And don't even get me started on Charlie."

"I'm so sorry that happened. Maybe it will be a growing opportunity for both of them. You appear to have your father's undivided attention."

"Can we move up changing me?"

"When do you want it done?"

"Two days after we're married."

"I think that can be arranged."

Bella kissed me. "I can't wait to be your wife." Music to the ears.

I sang her to sleep under the canopy of her new bed as Bella looked up at the fabric covered with baby roses. She slipped into slumber as I caressed her hair. I once again reminded myself of all the reasons why this precious mortal owned me body and tattered soul. Marcus downstairs beamed with happiness let out a happy sigh as he stroked the puppy. Life was good, I wanted to shout. I settled instead for kissing her brow and cuddling her against my chest. Take that Jacob Black. Friend indeed. Old age and treachery always triumphed over youth and stupidity.

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><p><strong>So there you have it. Only the epi is left. Many thanks to u2shay for inspiring the Jacob antics this chapter.<strong>

**Please review, Gus and Douglas are waving at you. :)**


	16. Epilogue Part One

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta-ing, and to pomme_de_terre and twilover76 for the pre-reading.**

**Please put me on Author Alert. I will start posting a new story, it's AH, called Unbecoming. Story Summary for Unbecoming: In the aftermath of her divorce, a heartbroken Bella Swan looks for danger to give meaning to her life. If only her hot ex-husband would stay out of the picture.**

**I've divided the epilogue into two parts because it was so long. Thanks so much for reading! And thanks so much for the reviews. They inspire snark.**

**Snarky Summary: So last chapter, Edward managed to put Jacob in a bit of a bind. He's going to have to go to rehab for that marijuana problem. And Bella no longer considers him a friend. I'm wiping away venom tears. Oh, and the animals decided to help Jake out by redecorating his place. Free of charge. They're nice like that. Jake was totally surprised, too. *blinks* Things you need to know from previous chapters to make this epilogue make sense are as follows. In chapter one, we learned that Marcus was kind of sort of pissed off at Aro for killing Didyme, his mate (and Aro's sister). Marcus told Edward the best revenge was making the other person do all the work. Like, oh train newborns. Okay, he didn't add the training newborns part, but you get the idea. Marcus has been toying with Aro all this time. Last chapter, Marcus took one look at Angela Weber and knew, just knew that she was his mate brought back to him. Didyme lives on. Angela dropped Ben like a hot potato and agreed to be Marcus' mate. But only if he married her. Edward and Aro danced under the moonlight before a shocked crowd of wolves pretending to worship the Dark Lord. Paul thinks Jesus would totally not approve of that. Edward has been planning the wedding and a few other things that Bella does not know about - like adopting a child or two. We find our lovers at their wedding reception. And so we begin. **

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><p><em>What had I done? <em>I looked at the well dressed guests milling around the six-tiered wedding cake. That Lothario-wanna-be Mike Newton was ogling my wife's posterior and fantasizing about anatomically-impossible-for-a-human sexual feats he'd like to accomplish with her. Freak. I started my own fantasy about ripping his head off. Literally. I think that would finally manage to convince Jessica Stanley that I was not the dreamboat she imagined me to be. The only person on this earth I wanted to fantasize about me was twenty feet to my right wearing a white dress and hugging my sisters.

Married! Finally, Bella Swan became my wife. Had I been the superstitious type, I would have pinched myself. On the arm. Deviant.

Jasper said, "Edward, go in the groom's room and fix your tie." I suspect he figured out my overwhelming desire to sprint to my bride's side, snatch her into my arms and run away. "Give it another hour or so. Then you can go," my brother whispered.

I stared in the mirror at my still stunned face as I contemplated the wilted tie on my tux. Douglas thought it needed some adjusting, so I held him in my hand while he tugged on the ends until they were even. He fanned his tail at me as he worried I was going to be the first vampire in history ever to pass out.

"Thanks for being there for me," I touched my index finger against his fist, the closest to a fist bump we could get.

Emmett walked in, took one look at me and Douglas and joked, "Um, do you two need a minute?" He canted his head at me and, for a moment, I swear it was like he could read Douglas' mind. "Dude, Edward, you look bad. Do you need some blood?" He helped me to a chair. Douglas leaped for my shoulder and held on as I sank to the hard wood.

"I'm finally married."

"Yeah, buddy, you did it." Emmett punched me on the arm. It send Douglas flying into the air. I caught him before he could be harmed. "For a while there, I was worried you'd give up and marry Jessica Stanley."

I snarled at my brother. The very image of me with that horse-faced human made me want to spew venom.

He held up his palms in surrender. "Kidding. Yeesh. Um, sorry Douglas. Didn't mean to hurt you." Douglas inclined his nose regally at my brother.

I had just endured a double-wedding where I pledged my love to Bella, and Marcus pledged his to Angela before a crowd of sixty people, ten of whom had bets on which bride would get pregnant first.

If only they knew. I'd never sire any children from the excess of venom in my system. In the highly unlikely event conception occurred my children would be known as venom spawn. It angered me that they thought that would be the only reason I'd marry Bella.

Fortunately, Angela marrying Marcus was even _more_ of a scandal to the wagging tongues of Forks. Rumor had it Marcus was a millionaire. Actually, he was a millionaire several times over. Rumor also had it he was in the mob - and that was kind of sort of the truth, too.  
>Except<em> this <em>mob was far deadlier than the toothless version humans saw in the movies.

Bella and I were getting along so well, we were almost of one mind. We had both agreed to invite the pack. We had also both agreed that Jacob would not be invited to the ceremony, and Sam had offered us his personal word that Jacob would stay away. I had suggested that she might want to invite Charlie and my sisters had promised, Tanya and _her_ sisters, too, that they'd keep him in line. Everything had gone off without a hitch. Charlie was across the lawn staring at Sue Clearwater's cleavage.

I walked across to my blushing bride. "Dance with me, Mrs. Cullen?"

She grimaced. "I really suck at dancing, Edward."

"We'll fake it. Please?" I held out my hand. She placed hers in it. I felt that familiar spark of energy when our skin touched as I led her to the dance floor. An hour later, we were finally ready to take our leave of our guests.

As she walked away from the reception, Lauren Mallory sniped, "That Bella must have trapped him into marrying her. I mean really, she's a plain mouse compared to me." She primped her hair and waited for one of her friends to agree with her. Fortunately, Lauren stood too far away from Bella for her to hear those spiteful words.

The vampires in the area did not like that annoying human speaking ill of Bella. Jane narrowed her eyes and let loose a blast of her gift. She timed it so that Lauren - who was at the top of a set of concrete stairs - fell down, screaming like a banshee as she rolled. The humans with her simply watched. No one intervened. I never thought I'd say that the sound of someone's shriek was music to the ears. And I owed Jane a Ferrari or two.

"Gosh, I hope she's okay," my bride charitably wondered. I murmured nonsense because saying, "I hope she breaks both legs and marries someone she deserves," would have been considered rude. But still. Lauren Mallory had a tongue that belonged hanging in a butcher shop window.

From the top of the staircase, Lauren's friends offered more entertainment. "Wow, Lauren, you're totally wasted," Mike said. "She peed all over herself."

Jane smiled and it was a thing of beauty to behold. She was growing on me, that one.

Jessica crooned to her, "We should get you home."

Tyler Crowley helped a wobbling Lauren into his van as she whined about her torn hose and the broken heel on her shoe and wondered who spilled their drink on her crotch. If that woman was ever turned, she's be the most spiteful vampire ever. Even worse than Rosalie.

The gold wedding ring winked at me on my left hand. At long last, I was married. Funny, I didn't feel any different. I still loved Bella with every fiber of my being. Now the community of Forks and immortal world in general knew that I wanted to be with my dear little wedded one forever.

Alice dragged the brides off to do something with their dresses. They both looked lovely, I had no idea why my sister felt the need to meddle, but Bella had appeared like she could use the break, so I did not interfere. Marcus and I both kept a close eye on our wives.

The Denali sisters along with Carmen and Eleazar made an appearance. Charlie kept glancing at them and thinking that he knew them from somewhere but couldn't remember where. Tanya only added to his confusion by winking at him a time or nine. Most of the male guests, immortal and mortal alike, spent considerable amounts of time pretending not to stare at the three women. To my utter shock, Tanya was on her best behavior. She even made Bella laugh.

Aro swept into the room, trailed by a crowd of fawning newborns. He'd had a time persuading them to wear contacts, and even more of a time ensuring they didn't snack on any human guests. We had compromised that they would not attend the ceremony itself but would come to the final part of the reception. And safety-pin-face-girl had to remove the metal from her cheeks. Not those cheeks, degenerates. The ones attached to her face.

Aro had been delighted to see that once the pins had come out of her skin, the holes had healed and disappeared. Problem solved. No more awkward facial piercings to worry about. She was dressed in a tasteful gown that Alice had selected. Rosalie had to all but hog tie her to get her to put it on. The newborn whined the entire time because the gown wasn't in black.

Aro beamed at her, "You look ravishing my dear."

"My piercings show through the fabric." she whined, and pointed at her chest. "And I wanted to wear black. You always do."

"Darling, if a female wears black to a wedding it means that she's wishing bad luck on the bride and groom. You don't want to offend Bella and Edward, now do you?"

"No. They're entertaining to have around."

"Why don't you go with Rosalie to the ladies room and remove those piercings? Then you don't need to worry about them showing through the gown." Like most young vampires, her moods were often extreme and changed quickly. Now she acted eager like a young puppy.

"Yes, Master Aro." The newborn yanked Rosalie by the arm and all but ran inside the church.

That vampire showed potential. Anyone that could yank Rosalie around like that definitely had my approval.

When she returned, wearing a modest jacket over her gown, Aro smiled at her and said, "I've decided on your name, since you don't remember yours."

"Yeah? Is it cool?"

"Very. No one else will have it."

"I like that."

"It's an old one. Very lovely."

"How old?"

"_From my time _old."

"Oh, well that's okay then. What is my name?"

"Sulpicia." I kept my mouth shut. They didn't need to know that I thought her name sounded like a stomach disease. I could just see a doctor standing in front of a mourning family saying, "I'm so sorry, she died of Sulpicia. There was nothing we could do."

The newborn clapped and asked, "What does it mean?"

"Literature."

"You named me after a book?"

"Sulpicia was a famous poet."

"Did she write dark stuff?"

"She did. Dark and brilliant, just like you."

I hope she had the _joie de vivre _of Sylvia Plath.

Sulpicia preened, "Well, that's okay then."

Aro turned to my brother. "Emmett, you have your license as a minister, do you not?"

"Yeah I do, Aro. Why do you ask?"

"I'm going to marry Sulpicia now, if you please. She's my mate." That explained why he couldn't stay away from her and why he had been acting so oddly.

We went out behind the church. Bella joined me.

"What's going on?" She took a look at the crowd of well dressed, but still slobbering, newborns.

"Aro wants to marry one of the newborns."

"Who's he going to marry?"

"Her," I pointed to Sulpicia, "And Aro plans on marrying her himself." Bella's eyes widened.

Sulpicia looked at Bella and asked, "Can she be my maid of honor? She smells really nice. And she has kind eyes. And her man has a cute ass."

He kissed Sulpicia's cheek fondly. "But of course, my precious. Bella, will you do me the honor of being a witness to our marriage?"

"Sure, Aro."

"Edward, please be my best man. There's no one else, aside from my beloved Sulpicia, that I'd rather get naked with when fake-worshipping the Dark Lord." His lips twitched. Now Emmett was wondering if I had a sexual thing with Aro. Magnificent. And I had to come up with a satisfactory explanation for my wife. Drat.

"Inside joke about a prank we pulled. Pay it no mind," I murmured to my beloved.

She said, "You will be explaining that to me later, husband."

Rats.

Emmett gestured at the looming clouds, "We better hurry; it's going to rain soon. Do you, Aro, take this newborn.–"

"Her name is Sulpicia."

"Oh, okay. Do you take Sulpher to be your lawfully wedded wife."

"It's Sulpicia, Emmett, and yes, I do."

Emmett did the vampire equivalent of blushing. "Sorry, Aro, Sulpicia. Do you, Sulpicia–"

"Heck yes, I do. He's hot." She grinned at Aro and squeezed his buttock. Twice. Surreptitiously, he removed her hand and kissed it. Smooth.

"By the power invested in me by the State of Washington, I pronounce you mate and mate. You may kiss the bride." Sulpicia didn't even wait for Emmett to be done before she climbed Aro like a tree and began nibbling at his face.  
>The newborns around us started chanting, "Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her! We want tongue! We want tongue!"<p>

So I did. Kissed the wife... _My _wife, that is. Not Aro's. I had standards. And I valued my ass.

Aro blinked at the shouting newborns around him, bent his wife over his arm in a theatrical pose and kissed her. Really. I mean, ew.

Then he said to Felix, "They want to eat tongue? Where can we buy cow tongue, they can suck the blood out of it. My children must be spoiled in honor of all the weddings."

Felix smirked, "They mean they really want you to kiss your bride, Master."

Aro waved at his flock of newborns. "Oh. Children, we must remember our Volturi dignity. Kissing like that is done in private."

Marcus said to Aro, "Congratulations, brother, on your marriage. A moment if you will?"

He took Aro off into the woods. And I shouldn't have spied, but I kind of sort of did.

"You now have a wife. I am overjoyed for you."

"Thank you, Marcus." Aro smiled.

"You killed my mate once, you won't get a chance to do it again."

Aro's smooth countenance faltered, "Marcus, it was an _accident_, I–"

"Spare me the excuses. You can't _accidentally _dismember your own sister. Nor can you _accidentally _set her limbs on fire. You now have a mate, and I assure you that you do not want to find out what it feels like to lose the one you love the most. I expect Angela to stay in perfect condition. Or this time, I will retaliate. Do we understand one another, brother?"

Aro actually seemed sincere. "Yes, I believe we do. I am sorry, brother. I've tried to make it up to you all this time."

"Because I have my mate back at last, I accept your apology." Marcus turned on his heel and went back to his heavily guarded bride.

If I were Aro, I'd be checking my back for all of eternity after the look Marcus gave him.

I felt Bella squeeze my hand. "What's going on with those two?"

"They have some old business they needed to settle."

"What kind of old business?"

"Many years ago, Aro killed his sister. At the time, she was married to Marcus."

Bella kept a composed face. "Why does Aro still have his head?"

"That's a good question. Marcus basically told him that Angela had better stay healthy or it was his ashes. Not that it matters, but Aro appears to sincerely regret what he did."

"I'm glad our family squabbles are so much simpler. No one dies from them, too."

I loved hearing her say _our _family. "You have no idea how happy you have made me today, Bella."

She smiled at me and the world around us ceased to matter. "It's mutual."

"Indeed, it is." I kissed her as chastely as I could considering we were surrounded by vampires and thought longingly of finding some privacy.

"Edward," I heard Bella's voice from below me. "What were you thinking of?"

"What a lucky man I am."

Bella gave me a saucy grin. "Not yet you aren't," her fingers played with my shirt. "but if you play your cards right, buster, you might."

Images of a naked Bella danced through my brain. I growled and said, "I'm thinking of kidnapping you."

Bella whispered in my ear. "I'm thinking I'd totally let you, big guy."

"Have you said your goodbyes to everyone?"

"Sure. We've already cut the cake and the guest are starting to dance." She shuddered. Bella still loathed any type of spritely movement.

"Excellent," I lifted my bride into my arms, gave Marcus a nod, and, once we were out of sight, took off into the forest. As we left, Jessica Stanley complained that she didn't get to congratulate me on my marriage. Inveterate Stalker.

We arrived at the house about the same time as Marcus did with Angela. They took cars, I preferred to move by foot.

Marcus said, "Ten minutes?" I nodded.

"What does that mean?" Bella asked.

"Remember I promised you a surprise for our honeymoon?"

"Yes," she grumbled.

"We're going to a private island. Marcus and Angela will be on another private island. We leave in ten minutes."

"You'll have to help me out of this dress, Edward. No tearing it off." Drat. I kissed the nape of her neck as I unbuttoned her gown. I could hear her heart race as I moved to the side of her neck. "I think you'll like the island. Just one house. Complete privacy."

"Mmm," she turned in my arms and kissed me back.

"Five minutes," Marcus called from his wing of the house. Drat.

Eighteen hours later, I held my sleeping bride in my arms and waded from the boat to the shore of Isle Esme. Marcus and Angela were on neighboring Isle Carlisle. I laid Bella on the bed and changed into swim trunks. She was out like a light, snoring adorably.

I left her in peace and went for a swim. Two sharks with poor survival skills actually tried to take a nibble off my leg. They broke their teeth, and ripped my trunks, so I took their blood. It seemed only fair. Wiping my face clean, I waded out of the water stark naked. Damn sharks. Couldn't they show some professional predatorial courtesy? I swished salt water and spat it out on the beach to make sure I didn't have any blood left behind in my mouth that would bother Bella. I couldn't shock my bride with blood breath.

Moving silently through the moonlight, I crept into our bedroom and found my bride very awake. She crooked her finger at me. Oh my.

"I'm sorry I woke you." I gulped at the avaricious look in her eyes.

She pushed me down on the bed. "I'm not."

By all the saints, my woman knew how to kiss. I could barely remember my name after ten minutes. Before I knew it, she was naked. My, what pert breasts she had. I'd like to nibble on them, but decided that would definitely have to wait. I don't think she'd want to be turned that way. Her body felt so warm against my skin. Her scent surrounded us. I wanted to pounce.

We had not discussed, ahem, intimacy. I suppose now I needed to tell her that she had to wait until she was immortal before . . . Oh. My. God.

She grabbed a certain part of me. Hard. Then she decided she wanted to _play_with it for a few moments. It would be ungentlemanly to deny her. As far as I was concerned, she could manhandle my manhood any time she wanted. Hopefully for a long time. I saw the smile on her face. She looked both fascinated and proud.

"Edward, I want you."

"I believe you have me. Right in the palm of your hand," I gritted as she squeezed. I think I lost track of what was going on. She had all my attention focused on her hand and how amazing she was making me feel.

"True," she grinned and started kissing me. I almost came undone when she started nibbling on my neck. She had both hands on my shoulders. Then she had to go and shock the life right back into me by sliding her body down on a certain part of me. The sensation of being inside her was exquisite. I'd definitely wait a few more centuries in celibacy to feel this again.

I'm ashamed to say that I lost control and might have whimpered a time or five. I should have been responsible and told her no. But she seduced me. Really!  
>When she wiggled her hips and moved on me like that, I became her slave. Her body heat made her smell even better. When you added in the scent of her passion, I was lost. I stopped breathing and totally cheated. I made love to her at vampire speed. It was a supernatural emergency. That I had to repeat. Three times. That night. And three more times in the morning.<p>

My wife - I'm quite happy to say - was a nymphomaniac. I was the happiest monster of them all. We spent our days swimming, making love, playing chess, making love, reading dusty books of poetry to one another, making love, hiking around the island, oh, and making love. She exhausted me, I'm delighted to say. I thought perhaps I needed to make her take a nap. She slept so soundly - and remained in that state of unconsciousness for two hours longer than her normal time.

"So Edward?" Bella stroked her finger along my bare chest the next morning. I was kind of hoping that her hand would go lower.

"Yes?"

"When did you get naked with Aro?" She rolled on top of me, pressing her breasts into my chest. I whimpered. This was against the Geneva convention, wasn't it?

"Um, well. . . we kind of played a joke on the pack."

"Do tell. I'm all ears."

"Paul declared that since we were vampires, we had to be demons. So Aro and I got the wolves to follow us and pretended to sacrifice animals under the moon."

"You what?"

"We didn't really sacrifice the animals. We just made it look good. That's how I met Gus."

"Did they believe you?"

I laughed, "They totally did. I convinced them that I had chained their souls to mine. They were spooked for a night or two."

"But they don't believe that now, right?"

"Well, nothing has happened to them. So I guess."

"Perhaps you might want to clear that up. My dad is probably going to marry Sue. I don't want my future step-brother thinking that you own his ass."

My bride was a saint. She didn't have a problem with me dancing in the moonlight for fake demonic purposes. I was the luckiest monster of them all.

My phone, which had remained silent the past two weeks, rang. I wondered who would be dumb enough to call me on my honeymoon. Jessica Stanly didn't have this number. Oh, it was Marcus. For him to be calling me, this had to be the end of the world. I wondered if the newborns got out and nibbled on the Newtons.

Despite the volume of the ringer, Bella was still sound asleep. So I walked outside and said, "Yes?"

"I need you to come over and examine Angela. She's ill." I had never heard Marcus sound so panicked.

"What do you mean?"

"Her food won't stay in her stomach. She smells funny. She wanted you to bring Bella. She asked for her mother in her sleep."

"We'll be right over."

"Sweetheart." I hated waking her. She had shadows under her eyes.

"Mmm, go away."

"Honey, Angela is sick. Marcus wants us to come over." She sat up with a worried frown on her face. I handed her some clothes.

"How sick?"

"Sick enough that Marcus sounds like he's distressed. That man never gets upset. He said she asked for her mother."

"Then she must be really sick, Edward." For a moment, she had a wistful expression. I could tell she was remembering her own late mother.

Isle Carlisle was twenty minutes away by boat. Marcus waited for us on the beach. I'd never seen him so distraught. He even forgot to wear a shirt. Fortunately, I had more muscles. But still. Thank goodness Bella didn't seem to pay attention to his lack of attire.

As a matter of fact, Bella looked green as I helped her out of the boat. Then she shocked us both by losing her dinner in the ocean. I held her hair with one and and patted her back with the other.

Marcus pointed and said, "That's what Angela has been doing all day."

When Bella was done, I carried her into the house. She cleaned her mouth out from the bathroom sink while I looked on and fretted.

"Bella? Have you done this more than once?"

"Well, yeah, when you went fishing for my dinner, I threw up a few times. Don't worry about me. Let's go see Angela. Marcus looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown."

She must have fallen ill on the beach. She had on a bikini top and shorts. Angela was curled in a fetal position on their bed. She moaned, "God, Bella, do you have what I do?"

My wife crawled in next to her. "Yeah, I think so."

"Isn't it awful?" Angela uncurled a bit and started rubbing at her exposed stomach.

Marcus and I both studied our pale wives in consternation.

He whispered to me, "Could they have picked up a tropical virus?"

"I don't have the equipment with me to run a blood test," I answered.

"Edward, look at Angela," Marcus hissed at supernatural pitch.

Her stomach seemed to grow before our eyes. It actually _moved _like she had some kind of alien from the movies in there. If her stomach exploded and Sigourney Weaver popped out, I was so grabbing my wife and running for cover. Marcus could fend for himself.

I stared over at Bella and the same thing happened, except she didn't seem to be aware of it. Oh, Lord, Angela must be _contagious_.

I was a doctor. Twice. Professional. I could handle this. I did what any reasonable vampire would do. I went running for my father. "We're calling Carlisle."

"Carlisle, I think we both gave our wives food poisoning." I blurted when my maker answered the phone.

"What are their symptoms?"

"No fever, but they both appear exhausted, their scent has changed, they are vomiting, and . . . their stomachs are getting bigger."

"Have you fed them bad food?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Do they have gas? Could that account for the bloating?"

"No."

"How has their scent changed, then?"

"They smell more like a vampire."

"When were their last periods?"

"That's an _awfully _personal question."

"Edward, ask them, please. It's important. You can do this."

It pained me to ask. I turned to the women. "Carlisle wants to know the last time either one of you had your period."

Angela moaned, "I don't know. Three weeks before we married." Marcus started calculating. I passed on that comment to Father.

Marcus said, "Don't human women bleed once every twenty-eight days?"

Bella blushed and answered, "Yes."

"What about Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"Bella?"

She pulled at her fingers and bit her lip. "I think I'm a week late."

"Both appear to be showing signs of secondary amenorrhea." I was going to have to order tests to see if Bella and Angela had something like polycystic ovary syndrome or a tumor in the pituitary gland.

Father kept asking questions after I relayed the information to him. "Have they been eating more than usual?"

"Well, yes, Bella has a particular affection for eggs right now."

Marcus stared at me, "That's what Angela has been eating three times a day."

Could you get sick from eating too many eggs? This required research. Lots of research. What else would cause a woman's courses to stop? She was too young for menopause. I didn't smell any infections in the scent of either woman.

This was bad. Distressing, too. My wife's mortal life was at stake. My sex life, too.

"Edward? Are you there?" Carlisle all but shouted to get my attention.

"Yes, sorry."

"Come home now. Do not delay. Pass the phone to Marcus."

"Hello, Calisle," Marcus said. "Yes, I'll see to it. Goodbye."

Marcus sped around the house, packing.

When I picked her up, Bella asked," What's going on?"

"Carlisle wants us all home as soon as possible."

My wife peered at her friend. "Get more clothes on Angela, Marcus." He dressed her in a robe and put his Volturi cloak over her for good measure.

We went to Isle Esme first. I left Bella in Marcus' care and grabbed our things as fast as I could move. I steered the boat while Marcus used his phone to order our plane to be readied. The boat ride was unpleasant for the women, I'm afraid. One would lean over the side and vomit and that would start the other getting sick.

Both women glared at us balefully when we asked if they needed help. Here I was, the most dangerous predator on earth, and my wife with a single look could terrify me into silence. Maybe I was whipped, as Emmett would say. When she finished, I pulled Bella against me with one arm. "I love you," I whispered. It was the only thing I could think of to say to make her feel better.

We made for two scary-looking vampires when we met our SUV to drive to the airport in Brazil, guarding our mates, surrounded by Volturi guards. We had the security following us because Marcus claimed he was not paranoid, just well prepared since his wife was still mortal, as was Bella.

It's not like we had to worry about the local gangs that liked kidnapping rich tourists for money. However, I noticed two cars following us and listened in on their thoughts. Both women had fallen asleep.

"Marcus," I said at vampire pitch.

"I know. We have company. Foolish humans. We'll have to handle this in a timely manner. We don't want to run late."

"They have a decoy up ahead to the right," I said.

Marcus drove the car as if he hadn't a care in the world. He increased his speed and managed to avoid a trap the humans had set in place. The cars followed us to the airport. I knew they couldn't hurt _me_. But with two sick women in the car, I wanted to feast on the entrails of the humans dumb enough to mess with my wife.

Marcus said, "Stay here and guard them."

Two battered SUV's pulled behind us. Couldn't the villains get better transportation? I mean, really, I was embarrassed for them. How can they intimidate me when their car is held together by Bondo?

Thank the Lord both women were sound asleep.

Marcus waved at his guards. Five surrounded the car that Bella, Angela, and I were in. The rest stood behind Marcus. He turned to the humans that spilled out of the cars howling and brandishing rifles. He made it look so easy. This was so unfair. He got to have all the fun _and _the moral high ground. I missed the good old days when I had hunted scum in Chicago.

The tattooed leader of the humans yelled at Marcus in Portuguese to surrender and he'd let him live. _Idiot_. Marcus ignored him and charged forward. The leader started shooting at him. The bullets ricocheted and hit the humans instead. They didn't have time to scream. That's when Marcus pounced.

He snarled, "Don't wake up my wife. She needs her rest." He tore the leader's head from his body and used it like a missile he directed towards the rest of the gang of thugs. The Volturi guard grinned malevolently. It took them all of thirty seconds to dispatch all the attackers. Marcus killed ten himself in a spectacularly gory display that caused those humans that observed them to scream hysterically and attempt to stampede out of the area. I marveled at how he could do that much damage without getting a drop of blood on him.  
>Staring at the remains, Marcus instructed two guards, "Take them out to the ocean and dispose of the bodies."<p>

"Yes, sir."

We pulled the SUV's inside the hanger and out of view of the remains to ensure that our wives were not traumatized when they awakened.  
>The noise of the plane's engine starting roused the women.<br>I said, "Ladies, we're here." Both sat up.

"Oh, wow," Bella wiped at her eyes, "What did I miss?"

"Oh the usual boring car trip," I answered. "Marcus met some of the locals and chewed the fat with them. I'm glad you are resting."

As Marcus helped her out of the car, Angela said to me, "I've never felt this bad in my life. Is this serious, Edward?"

"We'll know more when we can run some tests on you, Angela. You're in good hands."

She patted my hand, "Thank you, Edward. I hate seeing Marcus this upset." Her eyes softened as she looked at her mate.

I never appreciated the power of the vampire mate bond until I met Bella. That delicate woman held me in the palm of her hand. She was my world. I hugged her. She wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my chest.

Marcus held Angela and whispered to me at vampire pitch, "I cannot lose her. Not after waiting all these years for her to return. I won't survive it a second time."

I answered at the same frequency. "She can pick up on your stress and it can make her condition deteriorate. Let's not assume the worst. Her vital signs are good. I'm sure Carlisle will have them both well soon."

Our private jet was fueled and ready. We settled our wives and ordered the pilots to take off. Eight hours later we held our sleeping brides as we deplaned in Forks at their deserted airstrip. Carlisle met us there and began assessing our wives as we traveled to Marcus' mansion.

My walking jostled her. Bella hid her face in my chest and said, "Just want to sleep," as I carried her into the house.

Marcus and I sat in the living room pacing as father silently examined both women upstairs. I kept searching my brain to try and figure out what could possibly be wrong. She didn't _smell_like she had cancer. Could she have some rare disease that I had not encountered?

Half an hour later, Carlisle came downstairs with both Angela and Bella, who appeared nervous. Father blocked his thoughts. I met Bella at the foot of the staircase and hugged her gently. Her face was so pale.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired."

Mother and my siblings came in the door. This could not be good if the entire family was showing up.

I asked, "What is it?"

Father appeared flustered. "They're both pregnant."

My mind went blank. I gawped at Bella. Angela, too. Marcus remained the picture of calm and walked over and embraced Angela. I, on the other hand, blathered like a flibbertigibbet.

"How?" I babbled.

Bella rolled her eyes and said, "When a man really loves a woman. . ."

Alice giggled. Emmett, for once, held his tongue and simply sat there flabbergasted. I could identify.

I might have stared at my wife as if she had lost her mind. "I'm sterile. Everyone knows that vampires are sterile."

Marcus had his hand splayed over Angela's abdomen reverently. She smiled up at him.

As she watched me gawp, Bella's face fell. Alice gave me a "You are so in trouble," glare. What? Even humans knew vampires were sterile in their stories about us. How was that offensive?

Carlisle said, "Can't you smell the vampire scent coming from them? Actually, we have proof two times over that vampire males are not sterile. Vampire females, however, are."  
>That news did not go over well with my sister.<p>

Rosalie sniped, "Did it not occur to you to use a condom, asshole?"

Bella glared at Rosalie. "I'm happy about this pregnancy, Rose. Please don't blame him."

"You are?" I blurted.

"Me too," Angela lifted her chin defiantly. Marcus put an arm around her waist. "You never had any children did you?" she asked her mate.

"No." He kissed her forehead and did an awful job hiding his worry.

I thought back on all the legends concerning vampires. None that had anything to do with miraculous children being born had turned out well.

Attempting to hide my fear, I asked Carlisle, "What are we going to do?"

Jasper voiced what all the immortals in the room were thinking, "Are you going to abort them?"

Alice said, "Hush, no talk of that."

He answered, "Both women are determined to keep the pregnancies." I noted the mulish expression on Bella's face as she stared at Jasper, and tried not to panic.

"Darling, I fear that your body was not made to handle this kind of pregnancy. Are you sure you want this?" Marcus inquired diplomatically.

Angela said, "Yes. I really want this."

Marcus asked father, "Am I wrong? Have you seen this before?"

"No on both counts."

"What do you know?"

At vampire pitch Carlisle whispered, "There are some brief accounts from South America. All the women died - some before the children could be born. The babies _gnawed _their way out of the womb." He kept his features impassive so as not to scare his wife. My sister Alice looked like she was going to cry. At human pitch Carlisle said to Bella and Angela, "The pregnancies I know of were very difficult." Angela sank to the couch and rubbed her abdomen.

"What about the children?" I asked.

Father sighed and said, "Half died. Those that lived were fast growing and immortal."

"I can't see anything about the future," Alice admitted. "I'm going to go home and try some more." Jasper took her by the arm and, after hugging Bella and Angela, they left.

I said, "I think it would be prudent to put around the story for the mortals that we are taking extended honeymoons in Europe."

"The idea has merit," Father frowned as he concentrated, "Bella and Angela, we need to keep you both in the same location."

Marcus nodded. "Agreed. I can protect her better here. Make me a list of all the equipment that you need and I'll have it set up as soon as possible. Money is no object."

Rosalie and Father put their heads together and she began taking notes while he dictated what he wanted. She handed the list to Marcus.

Esme hugged Bella. "It will be okay." She couldn't quite say that like she actually believed it, but her heart was in the right place.

Bella appeared on the verge of tears. "Thanks, Esme."

I helped Bella to our bedroom where she asked, "Will you support me on this? I don't want them to take my baby."

"If this is what you want, then of course. No one will take the baby against your will. That would be barbaric."

"But Jasper –"

"Jasper asked the question because someone had to say it to get us to discuss it. He would never hurt you." Aside from that time he accidentally on purpose tried to munch on her at her birthday party.

She wiped at her eyes. I hated seeing her weep. "You don't sound happy about it, Edward."

"I'm terrified I could lose you forever." I got to my knees and put my head against her abdomen. "But if this is what you want, I will move heaven and earth to try and give it to you. I can smell your scent changing." She offered me a watery smile as I said,"I thought you didn't want children."

"I didn't. I have never felt particularly maternal. I don't know what kind of mother I'll be."  
>My wife made no sense. "I don't understand."<p>

"_You _wanted them."

"Well, yes, but I did not know_ this_ was possible. I was happy to adopt." Come to think of it, I was going to need to cancel the adoption I had in place. I couldn't have my adopted child being _eaten _by my vampire child. Talk about potential for sibling rivalry. How do you put a vampire child in time out for eating a sibling?

She stroked my cheek. "Do you believe in miracles, Edward?"

"I've never seen one."

"You're a vampire, and yet against all odds, we fell in love. _That_is a miracle."

"Yes, I suppose it is."

"This is another. I think everything happens for a reason. This was meant to be." And just like that, my tiny wife shrugged her shoulders and made up her mind. Mine, too.

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><p><strong>Here ends part one of the epilogue. Thanks so much for reading.<strong>

**So what aspects of Breaking Dawn do you think are spoof-worthy? I'm having too much fun with this epi. **

**Gus and Douglas are waving at you. Please review!**


	17. Epilogue Part Two

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta-ing, and to pomme_de_terre and twilover76 for the pre-reading. Thanks as well to mamabean30 for helping me with a crazy idea. And to u2shay. She knows why.**

**Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. You make my day. **

**If you have your PMs disabled, I can't answer your review. Leave me a twitter addy or something. :) **

**Snarky Summary: So Edward and Bella finally tie the knot. Marcus and Angela, too. It's the wedding of the year for Forks. Our young lovers honeymoon at Isle Esme where Bella has her wicked way with Edward. She totally seduces him, so claims our dear boy wonder. Progeny ensue. Times two. Edward is tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to tell you that he had no idea - despite having two medical degrees - that he could impregnante his wife. *Blinks* It's the Immaculate Conception, Immortal style. Seriously. If he had known that little detail, he would have totally jumped her bones and knocked her up ages ago. We find our young (Edward) and not-so-young (Marcus) lovers taking comfort from one another. Not that way. Yeesh. Degenerates. Can't two men be friends with it turning into slash? Don't answer that. **

**Things you need to know from previous chapters to help you understand this one are as follows. Edward sicc'd Tanya and her sisters on Charlie when he made Bella cry over being engaged. He thought that was totally fair. Tanya and her sisters most definitely made sure that Charlie gained a wild reputation in the community while they were skewering him, I mean offering him advice about women. Marcus has Aro training a group of newborn vampires that the late and unlamented Victoria turned. Aro considers them his children, and even married one. Well, you get the idea. *clears throat* Paul had a bad run in with Bruce the bad ass honey badger that caused him considerable pain and suffering. Paul thinks Jesus would NOT approve of a mere animal interfering with his ability to do the Lord's work – I mean kill vampires. Well, some vampires. And so we begin.**

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue - Part Two<strong>

Bella's head rested against my shoulder as we watched a fire burn in the hearth. Her eyes drooped. I fretted that the smoke from the fire, invisible to the human eye, could harm her fragile mortal lungs. Anything that could weaken Bella's lungs would therefore potentially represent a threat to our child. So that fire needed to die right now. I made a mental note to check the air quality in the house. The vents. The furnace too. We probably should change all the air filters. And purchase an air purifier to be around Bella at all times. I'd have to talk to Carlisle about the benefits of buying her an oxygen tent. Maybe I could persuade Bella to have an oxygen mask on until the baby was born? For her health, of course.

Alice grumbled as she approached, "You are insane, you know?" She quietly put out the flames.

"Thank you, Alice," I whispered at vampire pitch.

My sister shook her head at me and left the room. Her thoughts warned me, "Edward, you are going to get yourself in trouble with Bella if you aren't careful."

Careful. What an appropriate word to describe my unlife. I definitely needed to be more careful. Alice was absolutely right even if her gift had shriveled up and died when we needed it the most.

I didn't mean to be a jerk. It was not like Alice could help that her powers failed to read Bella's future. But the fact that my sister saw _nothing_, and Jacob Black and the rest of the stenchettes were nowhere nearby made me grumpy. I felt like in some way I failed to protect my wife. In my mind, regardless of his curent distance from my Bella, this absence of Alice's gift could all be blamed on Jacob Black. Bella's future disappearing when she was pregnant represented a clear threat to her safety and well-being - and that of our future child - ergo, Jacob Black must die. Soon.

It was simple, really. I would just have to arrange it without alerting my wife to my plans for her continued happiness. The timely death of the skeevy skunk slaughterer would certainly cause me no shortage of happiness. Even the Declaration of Independence claimed that mankind was entitled to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. So our Founding Fathers would have totally agreed with my plan regarding Jacob. My animal friends and I consulted on the matter and we voted two hundred twenty six to zero for Jacob's death. So that was totally fair. Objective too. The birds asked me if he could die from being pecked to death. If only. Gus and Douglas insisted that I would have to accomplish it in a way that would not cause Bella distress.

After the murder of her mother, my wife was too sensitive to issues of mortality. I couldn't have her upset when she was in such a fragile state. So I would have to arrange for Jacob to have a timely run in with a runaway logging truck or a conveniently placed meat grinder. I tapped my chin in frustration as I pondered the mechanics of justifiable murder. Perhaps he could trip while cutting the grass and be run over by a runaway lawn mower? Bella need never know. Jacob was an imbecile. Anyone would believe him dying from stupidity.

Additionally, a happy me, led naturally to a happy Bella and therefore a solid marriage. This whole being married business was simple, really. All I had to do was take care of my wife's needs, and Bella was so easy to please. My mind still had a hard time processing the sacrifices she made to ensure that my dream of having a child came true.

I couldn't wait to be a father. Parenthood was going to be a breeze. How hard could taking care of one tiny being be, really? I didn't need to sleep. With my vampire physiology, and advanced brain, I represented the perfect parent. I had supernatural brains, hearing, vision, and would easily decimate anything that threatened my young or my mate.

Carlisle came to Marcus' mansion at that moment, and I decided to spy, I mean listen in. For family unity purposes. Of course. Father used Marcus' computer to chat with Aro on Skype.

"Aro, the paper says that several animals were stolen from the Seattle Zoo recently."

Aro tried to sound innocent. _Tried_ being the key word. "It does? How interesting."

I heard the trumpeting of an elephant in the background.

"What was that?" Father asked.

"Oh, nothing dear Carlisle. Just clearing my throat." This was followed by a few fake coughs.

"Aro," father gently chided, "we must blend into this community. We cannot go about stealing high profile animals. Return the elephant."

"But she's so sweet! And my children love her. How about I buy another elephant for the zoo and give it to them as an anonymous donation?"

"How do you intend on keeping the humans from finding out about your elephant here?"

"Never you mind, dear Carlisle. I have a plan. Have you met Bruce my new minion?" The honey badger stared darkly at the camera, and poked at it with an arm.

"No, no, my dear fellow. We must not harm that."

"You took animals with you on your honeymoon?" Father sounded stunned.

"But of course! Sulpicia requested it and I can deny her nothing."

Father actually sounded weary as the stroked his forehead. "God help me."

On that note, I decided that it was past time for me to get my wife to bed. Bella woke when I lifted her.

"Wha–?"

"I'm carrying you to bed. Go back to sleep."

"M'kay. Stay with me, please?"

"Always."

Bella soon went back to her dreams. I couldn't put her to bed wearing those clothes. So I tore them off. That shirt was three years old, anyway. Mary Alice insisted that we dress in the latest fasions, so losing that shirt should not be a problem. I'd buy Bella another. I had no idea how she breathed in that bra that squashed her chest like that. So it had to go too. I riped it in half and tossed it to the floor. I put her in one of my long sleeved t-shirts and pulled the covers over her.

Bella cracked an eye and said, "You're too far away from me." She snuggled up against my side.

Ten minutes later, I stared at my dear little expecting one as she snored adorably. Bella insisted on sleeping in my arms. I did not want to make her cold with my body, so I wrapped her in a quilt. She started dreaming two hours into her sleep cycle. It had to be a nightmare because she whimpered Jacob's name as if she was in pain. When her hands started pounding against my chest, I decided to take action. She could hurt herself.

"Bella," I called to her, stroking the curve of her cheek. Not that one. Deviants. Her lovely face.

She jerked awake and dully said, "Oh, it's you."

"You were expecting someone else?" I asked with a raised brow. That earned me half a smile followed by a nose scrunch. She put her cheek against my chest and said in a sad voice, "I had a nightmare."

"Why don't you tell me about it?"

"It's kind of gross."

"You can tell me anything, you know. I have Emmett as a brother. I'm well acquainted with all sorts of revolting things." Like Rosalie.

Bella grimaced. "Jake kissed me and I tried to get away from him. Edward, his breath, the taste of him, it was all I could do not to throw up on him in the dream. It felt so real." She shuddered.

"Dreams are supposed to be an expression of our subconscious. Perhaps you fear Jake trying to kiss you against your will again? I can assure you," I didn't give her a chance to answer, "that Marcus and I have taken care of that problem." I couldn't exactly tell her that Jacob would soon be dead. So I deflected.

"How?"

"Marcus paid a visit to the Quileute elders and had a bracing chat with young Mr. Black."

"Oh."

"Indeed."

"He's very, very sorry that he disturbed you so, and won't be doing it again." Well, that was completely true. "He has been ordered to stay away from you."

"Marcus can be persuasive," Bella pursed her lips. I leaned forward and kissed her gently.

"What else do you remember feeling in your dream?"

She asked, "Besides repulsed?"

I wanted to cheer at that. But I had tact. Discretion, too.

"Yes."

"Like I couldn't move. He was so strong."

"So maybe being powerless in that moment is something that you're remembering?"

She kissed my chest, "You're good with this dream interpretation stuff."

"I miss dreaming."

Bella stilled, "Do you?"

I stroked her hair for a good five minutes in silence. She relaxed against me bonelessly. Finally, I spoke. "I guess that's one of the things about being a vampire that I missed most from my human life. When you sleep, you can simply shut your mind down. You cannot do that once you become a vampire." I waited for her to answer, fearful that she might think I was picking a fight. Bella's snore greeted my worried ears.

Oh, thank God.

I had to wake her up four more times that night. Each time, she went back to sleep almost immediately. I had read that vivid dreams were something that some women experienced in the first trimester of pregnancy. But this represented yet another reason why Jacob should die. He gave my bride nightmares of his foul smelling mouth.

Felix got an early start in the kitchen the next morning. The smell of bacon - which was completely repulsive - and eggs wafted into the room. Bella scrunched her face in her sleep as if disgusted. Perhaps she was developing vampire sensibilities? Bella went from being sound asleep to dashing for the bathroom in due course. I felt so helpless standing there behind her, and Bella really did not want me around her at the moment. Yet like any good husband I refused to leave her in her time of need. My wife needed to be distracted from her fears. Besides, someone had to hold her hair.

After she brushed her teeth, I started the shower. Thirty minutes later, we finally ran out of cold water and my stars, Bella nearly killed me from desire there a time or nine. She whined when I turned the water off.

"You're getting nothing but cold water now. It cannot be good for you. We must get some food in you." I kissed her and pulled her out of the shower.

"Fine. Spoilsport." She slapped my thigh – which kind of tickled.

I grinned. "Once we get food in you, I'll pay you back for that insult, dear lady."

Bella kissed me slowly, nibbled at my lower lip until my legs shook, and then reluctantly pulled away with a smoldering glance. She sauntered around me with a gentle sway of her hips, "Looking forward to it, big guy." I know I had her body memorized, but I couldn't help but want to get her out of that towel again. Immediately. For research purposes. Of course. I had to check on the welfare of my wife and child. Bella blew me . . . I mean she sent a kiss as she entered our bedroom. Really. Unfortunately.

There were times, upon further consideration, I thanked Providence that I no longer had a pulse. She would have killed me right there with one look. I followed my dear little Delilah into the bedroom. To help her dress. Really. Oh, shut up. It took two hours. Really. Bella has lots of clothes.

We found Esme in the kitchen cooking up another batch of breakfast. Angela looked like she was on her fourth serving. Bella all but lunged at the plate of food. My, what a healthy appetite. A scratching at the window pulled my attention away from the sight of her eating.

Douglas hopped on my shoulder chittering in distress.

"What is wrong?" Bella asked in between bites.

"I need to get Emmett."

"Why?"

Douglas all but danced from foot to foot. "His mate is in labor. He is worried for her."

"Oh, I'll come with you," Bella said, "I want to get out of the house, and Douglas needs the moral support." So long as we stayed away from nosy human passersby, her having a jaunt outside should not prove to be a problem. Bella gave a longing glance to a plate of biscuits, so I put a few in a plastic bag to take with us.

Twenty minutes later, we found Douglas' abode. He managed to pull his wife out of the hole in a tree trunk.

Emmett squatted down and with his massive fingers began to examine her.

"It shouldn't be long now," he said.

I did the only thing I could. I hummed a lullaby to keep his mate calm. Douglas seemed to like the tune and began humming it back to her. Half an hour later, he and his mate had two little ones to add to their household.

"Congratulations!" I patted him on the back and left an offering of almonds for Douglas and his mate. Emmett pronounced the mother in good health. He promised to come back the next day and examine her again.

Douglas looked at Emmett and worried about him being alone with his mate and children. It's not like he would eat them. I needed to reassure my friend without offending my brother.

"I'll come too."

Gus picked that moment to drop by with a gift of some acorns.

Bella said, "Emmett?"

"Yes?"

"Wouldn't it be better for her to be back at the house where we can keep an eye on her and the children?" Douglas liked that idea. I hoped he had a similarly cheerful attitude when I insisted that he bathe. His mate, too. And the children. We couldn't have Bella picking up anything germwise.

"Sure, Bella." Emmett carefully lifted Henrietta, Douglas' mate, and the two children into his hands.

"Edward, chill out," Emmett hissed at me at a pitch too low for Bella to hear.

"What?" I retorted.

"I can see the wheels turning in your head. You're already planning on how to sterilize the squirrels." Okay, fine. Guilty. Sue me. Emmett said, "Brother, she'll be fine."

A sharp breeze lifted Bella's hair from her neck and she shivered. I had on a jacket and put it around Bella's shoulders. It's not like I needed to stay warm.

"We should go," I suggested. In the last hour the temperature dropped significantly. We were in for a storm.

As we ran back to the house, my phone rang. I handed it to Bella.

"Hello? Oh, hi Marcus. What's going on?"

Marcus used a diplomatic tone. "Your father has made an appearance at the house and is demanding to have contact information concerning you and Edward. I have given him a cell phone number. It is in your bedroom on your dresser. He'll be calling it in an hour. Be sure you two aren't seen. He's still around the front of the house talking to Felix and Jane."

"Thanks. Are you hiding out from him?"

Marcus sounded amused, "I prefer to think of it as keeping Angela company."

"Tell her hi for me. We'll be home in a few minutes." She hung up the phone and huffed, "My dad is causing problems."

Emmett said, "I'll see what I can do to help out." One thing my brother could do was clear a room with one tactless remark about his bowels. Perhaps that was another gift. When combined with his wife's penchant for bitter comments, I should rent the two out to parties. They'd clear the guests out at the end of the night in record time.

I think Charlie needed to be kept occupied. It irritated me that I had to jump into the third story of the house with my pregnant bride to keep from running into the nattering ninconpoop. So as soon as we reached our bedroom, I pulled out my phone and texted Tanya.

_I need a favor._

_Is Charlie being obnoxious again?_

_He's trying to find us on our honeymoon._

_You're kidding. Right?_

_I wish. I mean, really, he's obnoxious._

_The pig. Clearly he's forgotten what sex feels like._

I was not going to respond to that. I wasn't stupid. So I typed back to her something more direct.

_I think he could use being distracted._

_I agree, cousin. Consider it done. _

_You have my blessing._

Five minutes later, my phone chirped with another incoming text from my cousin.

_So_,_ rumor has it you knocked up your wife._

_I did NOT strike my wife. Who said that I did?_

_Knocked up means impregnated, Edward._

_Oh. That rumor is true, Tanya._

_I'm going to have to see this to believe it. I think you're pulling our leg._

_Feel free to visit. I'm over the moon with happiness as is Bella._

_Edward, this is Kate. Ignore Tanya. I'm squealing in happiness for you. My sisters too. I know you'd never joke about something like this because you utterly lack a sense of humor. We're going shopping for baby clothes! We'll come down when we're done. We can't wait to meet our new cousin!_

God help us. They'd probably dress my child like a streetwalker in platform shoes. And I did so have a sense of humor. Sometimes. Harpies.

Forty-seven minutes later, the phone rang. Reluctantly, Bella answered it.

"Hello? Oh, hi Dad."

"Where are you?" Charlie grumbled. "It's like you dropped off the planet."

"I'm with Edward. Where else would I be?" Good deflection.

"When are you coming home?"

"I'm not sure. We've been having such a good time. We're taking it day by day." Well, that last part was the absolute truth.

"Bella I –" I took the phone from her.

"Hello, Charlie."

"Edward. Where's Bella?"

"Right next to me, and if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my honeymoon. Have a nice day." I hung up the phone. Well, that was better than me saying, "You imbecile! What kind of moron calls someone on her honeymoon? I'm boinking your daughter every chance I can get! What did YOU do on your honeymoon?" How my beloved came from such a blighted gene pool is beyond me.

Bella giggled. I rolled her to her back and tossed the phone to the floor. "So, Mrs. Cullen, where were we?"

She traced a finger underneath my lip, "You know, I'm awfully forgetful these days. Why don't you remind me?"

So I did. Five times. Er, I mean twice. Whatever.

Marcus had two trucks that showed up three days later, groaning under the weight of the medical equipment they held. Bella and Angela did double takes when they saw my family members and various Volturi guards lifting equipment that should have required five men to carry it.

Esme put her arms around Angela and Bella, "Ladies, I have a meal set up for you downstairs in the kitchen. Why don't we have some girl time?" She led them away. Bella had only been out of the room ten seconds and it felt like ten hours.

Under father's direction, Marcus had several rooms redesigned into birthing suites.

Father sensed my tension as I stared at the equipment being set up and thought to me, "Edward, Marcus has spared no expense. Both Bella and Angela will have access to the very best technology that is at our disposal. Even Seattle doesn't have some of these machines. We have everything we would need for an intensive care ward for both the babies and the women."

"Thank you, father."

Marcus said, "Aro should be returning from his honeymoon soon. I've contacted him and asked him to stop by Volterra and check our archives for any information concerning hybrid pregnancies."

We all paused as we heard laughter coming from downstairs. Alice and Esme charmed Angela and Bella. It felt good to hear them happy. Ever since we learned of the pregnancies, things became so tense. I did my best to hide it, but the idea that I could lose Bella forever, the baby, too, terrified me. I appreciated Bella's need to be with Angela. She was the only other person who could understand what my wife experienced.

From their thoughts, I gathered that Esme, Rose, and Alice planned on being constant companions. In a short amount of time, Bella and Angela had become positively inseparable. I heard Angela downstairs promising to teach Bella how to crochet so they could make blankets for the babies. I did not have the heart to tell Angela that I was more than capable of purchasing any blanket my child would desire. They didn't need to lower themselves to performing manual labor.

Aro showed up the next morning. He sauntered into the house dressed from head to toe in black with his wire rim sunglasses on. He looked like Ozzy Osbourne's evil twin.

"Brother! You have returned from your honeymoon!" He stared around the room looking for Marcus, who was not at his usual post at his desk.

"Brother?"

"Where is he?" Sulpicia asked. She sniffed. "Hey, what is that _smell_?" She sounded curious rather than offended.

Demetri met Aro and his mate. "Greetings, Master Aro. Master Marcus is upstairs with his wife. I will announce your presence. Please wait here."

"Send them up," Marcus ordered.

Sulpicia picked up on the tension and held Aro's hand as they climbed the stairs.

Bella and Angela had a room they enjoyed being in during the day. We set up side by side hospital beds for them in a large room and mother filled the place with plants and flowers. Both women were hooked up to IV's. We were only a week into these pregnancies and already they both appeared exhausted.

Aro's eyes flickered over the women, and to his credit he kept his mouth shut.

Bella, and Angela as well, had the beginnings of bellies showing. We had to stick to getting them nutrition through IV because half of what they ate came right back up.

Aro touched his hand to Marcus' and used his gift to learn of the situation.

"Oh, my!" he exclaimed.

"Have you read about this?" I asked the Volturi historian.

"I have been scouring the records. We know of this happening only in Brazil."

"What occured there?" I asked.

Aro curled his lip in disgust. "A depraved vampire went around impregnating human women on purpose. We killed him because of all the effort we had to go to in cleaning up his messes. We thought it was an isolated event because we never heard of it happening anywhere else." Aro turned to his wife. "Both women carry their husband's children."

"So the babies are vampires?"

"They are." Aro sniffed the air. "That's what you smell."

"So how are they eating?" Sulpicia asked.

"What do you mean, dearest?"

She stared at him as if he were an imbecile. "Everyone knows that vampires need blood. How are the babies getting it?"

"Yes, dearest, that is a very good idea." He snapped his fingers and Felix appeared. "I think you should prepare some raw and bloody meat for the ladies."

Felix glanced at Marcus. We all looked to Carlisle, who nodded his head. "It can't hurt to try."

When Felix appeared with a tray that held disgusting smelling meat, both women sniffed the air.

"What is that smell?" Angela asked. "It's delicious." I kept a blank face. It smelled like burning rubber with a top note of motor oil.

"I know," Bella moaned. She sounded like she was about ready to have an orgasm. Over rotting meat. This was so wrong. On so many levels. I was now jealous of dead animal flesh. God help me.

Felix, no fool he, handed the plates to me and Marcus and got out of the way. Bella snatched the one from my hands at near-vampire speed and began stuffing her mouth with the meat and slurping the blood from each piece. My eyes glazed over at the sight of her licking her fingers. She could have entered a competitive eating contest. I glanced over at Marcus' bemused expression as he watched his wife all but inhale her plate.

I needed to adjust my attitude. So I attempted to smile.

"More, please," Bella asked. Esme had cautioned me that motherhood did strange things to women. My dear little famished one was actually eating revolting meat for the sake of our young. How awesome was that? It was the least I could do to hide my revulsion from her at the food. My Bella constantly amazed me. Marcus had perfected the art of the poker face. He simply handed another plate to his mate when she cleaned the first one. He didn't even blink when Angela licked the plate.

Four servings later, both sated women fell asleep with hands over their bellies. Their color had improved. Bella couldn't get comfortable unless I was near her. So I carried her up to our bedroom, held her in my arms once we were in bed, and tracked her heartbeat.

A month passed in a blur. Alice still had vision problems. The other kind. The supernatural kind. Her eyes were fine.

Tanya texted me one morning.

_Use your gift to check on Charlie._

I detected that Jacob was with him at his house. Tanya must have brought Jasper in on the joke because he stood in the doorway of Charlie's bedroom wearing a shocked expression – as if his virgin eyes had never seen something so deranged. I could tell he used his gift to transmit shame by Jacob's panicking mind. Jake looked around and shrieked, which woke Charlie up.

_What the heck is going on?_ Charlie thought. _That Jasper kid looks like he swallowed a hive of bees._

_Jasper stammered, "The door was open."_

Charlie grunted, rubbed at his eyes and said, "Jake, what are you doing here?"

Startled, Jake rolled out of bed and landed on the floor. My, those testicles were shriveled. Someone had been munching on steroids. Bottles and bottles of steroids.

"Uh, Chief Swan," Jasper stammered, "I'll just leave you two alone. I have a gift Bella and Edward sent from Europe." Jasper put the box down on the ground and backed out of the room just in time to hear Charlie screaming, "What the hell? Jake, what are you doing in my bed naked?"

"I don't know!," Jake whined, "What are you doing handcuffed to me? And you're naked, too." Tanya had even though to leave a room full of sex toys and lube. I owed her a car – maybe two.

"What the hell happened to your balls, Jake?"

The sound of both men blathering in panic was music to my ears. Charlie fumbled around his bedroom trying to find the key for his handcuffs. If I had to bet, I suspect Tanya had taken the key with her when she left.

Jake wailed in his tiny brain. He wanted to break the handcuffs. But Sam had forbidden him from doing anything around Charlie that would endanger their secret. He didn't know what to do. So he sat there, miserably while Charlie pulled a pair of pants on and demanded that someone from the station come to his place. He'd had intruders. That had cold cocked him. In more ways than one.

I know I planned on killing Jake and all, but this was one reason why I was glad he lived still. So he could experience maximum humiliation. Besides, I didn't want to take the chance of Bella learning about his death while she was pregnant. So I'd have to wait until she was an irrational newborn. Hopefully, her human memoires of Jake would fade. That would be a two for one win. Thank God for vampire physiology.

"Edward," my wife's soft voice pulled me away from the scene at her father's house.

"Yes?"

"I'm hungry again."

I put my hand on her abdomen. I could feel the heartbeat of my little one. Bella put her hands over mine and smiled.

"We'll have to see what we can do about that," I said as I kissed her.

Marcus and I made sure that our wives had all the bloody meat they could eat. The midsections of both women grew at an alarming rate. We could now hear the babies' heartbeats. Every night, I would help my wife take a bath. Her poor body was under so much stress.

"I look grotesque," Bella observed as she peered into the mirror. She had dark purple shadows under her eyes. Her face had slimmed despite the swelling of her body with our child. She had bruises on her abdomen from where the baby kicked.

"You're my brave girl. I love you." That was all I could say. I wasn't going to lie to her. She certainly did not appear healthy. I lifted her carefully into the bath and began washing her shoulders with one of those fancy sponges. After she got out, I'd help her dry off and then spend time rubbing lotion into her skin to help with the marks she complained about.

I was on my knees before Bella smoothing my hands along her waist.

Bella leaned and kissed me. "Your hands feel so good."

"Let's get you to bed and I'll work on your shoulders."

It was the least I could do as I wasn't carrying the child. She had to do all the work.

And those stories about pregnant human women wanting sex all the time? Lies. Don't ask me how I know.

The next four months passed in a chaotic, belly-swelling, bloody-meat-sucking blur. Angela's body handled the pregnancy far better than Bella's, although the pregnancies were hard on both women. My poor wife. She had to be on bed rest the entire time. My dear little expecting one tried so hard to be brave. I felt helpless. I could hear the baby's heartbeat, but Bella said that she could, too.

It amazed me to see how much Bella loved our baby. She would insist that I read stories to the child. I sang lullabies too, that put both mother and child to sleep. Before I met Bella, during my lonely years, I often dreamed of what it would have been like had I lived as a human. The one vision that haunted me the most had been that of me with a wife and a child on the way. Now I had that. I could not believe how my life had changed in such a short amount of time, immortally speaking. I feared something awful would happen to snatch Bella and the baby away. My family sensed my mood and tried in their own way to be helpful.

Rosalie actually did a marvelous job pretending to have a personality. She, Esme, and Alice helped both women pick out the things that they wanted for the nurseries since neither wife could set a foot outside the house. Esme was tactful enough to set things up so that the women felt like they had a say in the decor even if they couldn't go to a store and wander the aisles.

Sadly, I was going to have to over-rule several of the purchases that they had made on our child's behalf. Our baby needed organic cotton sheets free from all those dangerous chemicals. And I was going to have to put my foot down and insist that the Where The While Things Are decor not be put up in our child's room. She'd have screaming nightmares. When Bella had said she wasn't very maternal, she hadn't been kidding. I'd find a tactful way of telling her that I replaced her orders. Later. I was nice like that.

I stood there nonplussed when the very order I canceled showed up at the house. Alice whistled as she signed for the order and hissed at me at vampire pitch, "You're welcome. I saved you from having your ashes handed to you by your wife." Alice then proceeded to show me a vision of Bella weeping over the cancellation of the nursery that apparently she had dreamed of having since she was small. Oh my. Indeed. Sometimes, Alice amazed me.

Angela and Bella insisted on spending the days together and it seemed to do them both good. I only left to hunt. At night, while our women slept, Marcus and I often talked at vampire pitch. In an odd way, it comforted me knowing that Marcus faced the same fears that I did. He carried the burden with such grace. I hoped I could be that strong for Bella.

While reading to them both from a book, I heard something unusual.

Angela asked, "What is it?"

"I can hear your baby's mind."

"You can?"

"Yes."

"What can you tell?"

"He's hungry. You should drink more blood."

"He?" Marcus handed her a glass. He had always wanted a son but had been smart enough to keep that to himself in case Angela carried a girl.

"I think so."

Bella asked, "Can you hear ours?"

"No. Nothing yet. I'm sorry." Bella sagged. "Remember, dearest, that Angela is further along than you are."

"Just by a few days," Bella grumbled.

I was tempted for a moment to lie and make something up. Instead, I did something moronic. I brought up the subject of names.

"So have you picked out a name for your son?"

Angela smiled, "I like the name Sebastian."

Marcus stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. "It is a strong name."

I needed to include Bella in this conversation. I asked her, "Have you thought about names?"

"How about if it's a boy, you get to pick and if it's a girl I get to pick?"

"That seems fair. What name do you like for a girl?"

"I was thinking about honoring my mom and yours. So I thought about combining the names to Renesmee."

Before I could stop them, the words sped from my mouth like Mercury's winged feet. "That name is ugly. It sounds like a stripper name. Our daughter will be teased mercilessly by the immortal world and asked how much she charges by the hour." I clapped a hand over my mouth.

Bella's face fell and her eyes welled up with tears. I was an unmitigated ass, making my pregnant wife cry - one step below Charlie Swan on the evolutionary ladder.

So I left off adding, "And you barely paid attention to your mother once you moved here. Why name your child after an annoying airheaded dead relative because of guilt?" I was positively a model of husbandly restraint.

_Edward, try to show some tact. Your wife is in a delicate state, _Marcus chided me mentally.

_Hey asshole, why don't you carry the next child, hunh?_ Rosalie added her silent castigation. Why was my sister asking me to do physically impossible things? She was a doctor, for crying out loud. She knew I could not bear children. Odd. Very odd.

Bella crossed her arms and queried, "What name do you like?"

Mimicking her, I crossed my arms. "Brunhilda is a strong name."

"Ew. I don't mind the _idea_ of a strong name." She smacked me. "But I want something distinctive. Brunhilda sounds like she should come with a broom and a pointy hat and a lifetime gift certificate for electrolysis." Angela dissolved into a fit of giggles. Marcus actually cracked a smile.

Rosalie snorted inelegantly and for just a second, by the way she moved her head and nose, she reminded me of another monster.

"Fine. If you want a strong and distinctive name, why don't you just name her after the Loch Ness monster - Nessie?"

Bella paused and a glorious smile illuminated her face. "I actually really like that name. It's cute. No one else has it." Bella tapped her fingers against her chin. This was like being between the sword and the wall. Oh Lord, I had condemned my poor child to a lifetime of an ugly name.

Bella wagged her finger at me, "What name do you like for a boy?"

"Hrothgar." I said that with a straight face. It took a few minutes but my family finally realized I was teasing my wife.

Bella stamped her foot and put both fists on her waist. "I'm not naming him after the King in Beowulf. He was such a Geet!"

"But it's a grand name. A kingly one. And it's distinctive."

My wife giggled, wrapped her arms around me and rested her forehead against my chest. "You are totally pulling my leg."

"Maybe," I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. "It's kind of fun, actually."

Bella sighed and asked, "How long is this pregnancy supposed to be?"

"About two more months."

We went upstairs to our room, hand in hand, after bidding the others good night. As I helped her change into a nightgown, Bella put her hands over her stomach and said, "I can't imagine getting any bigger."

Prudently, I held my tongue. I was not born yesterday. I knew better than to comment on a woman's size.

She punched her pillow. "Come here, smart aleck. I want to sleep in your arms."

How could I deny her?

Two weeks passed. Our women grew more obviously pregnant. They were able to keep food down, but both were weak. The pregnancies were taking their toll on their frail human bodies. And Carlisle explained that they were having raging hormones which caused both women to burst into tears for no apparent reason. No matter what I said, if Bella cried, Rosalie reminded me that this was all my fault.

Gus crawled up a drainpipe, followed by Douglas to give me the news. Our least favorite skunk murderer was seen out and about on the reservation.

_What is it?_ Marcus asked mentally as I communicated with the irate animals. Gus was shaking a fist and tugging at my pant leg.

Too low for the women to hear, I answered, "They saw Jacob. I need to handle that imbecile, now more than ever."

_Allow me_, Marcus silently told me. _I insist._

Gus and Douglas went over to Angela and Bella and entertained the women by crooning a duet of sorts. They put both women to sleep in five minutes with smiles on their faces. And no illegal drug use was required. Yet. We silently studied our sleeping wives.

Marcus said, "I cannot have that man upsetting Bella in her delicate state. If he's around here, it's only a matter of time before he tries something." He pulled out a cell phone and called Sam.

Maybe now I would get my chance to finish Jacob off once and for all.

Marcus was my hero, bringing Jacob by on a ruse. "Samuel, we need to have a meeting. Please come to my house in an hour. Just you, please, for the meeting, but feel free to bring the pack along. I think you'll find it mutually beneficial."

Wait. No Jake? I'd have to sit back and listen.

One thing that was nice about being around Marcus, when he asked for something to happen, people moved heaven and earth to do it in a timely manner. The wolf pack was no exception. Twenty minutes later, we had the entire pack around the house and their leader knocking at our door.

Sam took one look at both sleeping women and said, "What the hell is wrong with them?"

Marcus led Sam to an adjoining room that had a glass door. We could see the women, but they could not hear us. He raised a brow at Sam's tone. "Oh nothing, they are both pregnant. We have not announced it, so please keep it to yourself."

Once the door closed, Sam pointed at the women and blurted, "This is just one more thing you've done that is against the treaty."

Marcus kept his cool and waved me into silence. "How?"

"You aren't allowed to make any other vampires."

Marcus' voice became wintry. I totally understood why he had a fearsome reputation. "First of all, I don't have a treaty with you. The Cullens do. I can make all the vampires I want, and seeing as my forces outnumber yours, there's really nothing you can do to stop me. So if I want to turn Bella, I will."

Sam gulped.

"Second, your treaty does not ban procreation between two spouses, so Edward is fine."

"He'll have to turn her. That thing will kill her."

"Are you an expert on vampire reproduction?" I drawled.

"Well, no," Sam spluttered.

Marcus asked, "Sam, what other violation of the treaty are you accusing us of making?"

Sam raised an eyebrow at Marcus' calm demeanor and scoffed, "Don't play dumb."

"I assure you that I am not doing so."

"You mean you didn't send your men on our land?"

"No. If I did, I would tell you, and I have not." Marcus called out for Felix.

"Yes, Master?" Felix asked as he entered the room.

"Have any of our men wandered onto the Quileute lands?"

"No, we have remained in this area. Why?"

Sam said, "We picked up the stink of vampires on our land yesterday."

Marcus stilled. "How many scents did you identify?"

"You really aren't shitting me. You didn't do it?" Sam sounded nervous.

"I have no need to lie to you, Samuel. You aren't a threat to me or mine. How many scents?"

"Three."

"Have you picked up any of those scents since you came onto our land?"

"No."

"I'll have you escorted through the barracks to see if you can detect the scent there. All of my men at one point or another pass through that building."

Sam nodded.

Marcus said, "If I may return to the first issue you raised, I'm going to solve your problem with Jacob and in return you're going to look the other way when we turn Bella and Angela."

Sam scratched his chin. "What do you have in mind?"

"You have a leadership issue with Jacob, I understand. He, by heritage, should be the alpha, correct?"

Sam grumbled, "Yes, but he's an idiot."

"Of that we are in perfect accord. I have a solution for you."

"I can't condone his killing." Rats. When did Sam have to grow scruples? One less Jacob on the planet would save me so much trouble. Of course, we'd have to hide the cause of death.

Marcus smiled, "Nothing as blood-thirsty as that crossed my mind, Samuel. His death would distress Bella. I can't have that." Wait. He actually sounded serious. Marcus was one heck of a liar.

"If he's not dead, what do you want with him? He's not good for much, aside from attracting skunks." Sam suspected I had something to do with that, but lacked conclusive proof. I blinked at the alpha innocently as Marcus spoke.

I once read that diplomacy was the fine art of telling someone to go to hell in such a manner that he looked forward to the trip. Marcus certainly had that honed to an art.

He explained, "I'm going to make a responsible man out of young Mr. Black. He's going to join my army as a _liaison_ between your tribe and the vampires. I'm going to train that man in combat until he can't see straight. I will keep him out of your affairs."

"You can have him right now." Sam grinned.

"Thanks. I understand that you cannot help but share some things with your tribe when they phase. I want you to order Jacob to keep his mouth shut about the women. That goes for the rest of the pack as well. No one else knows about their pregnancies. I cannot have Angela's or Bella's parents upset."

"Sure. It's your business, anyway." Sam pulled out his phone and said, "Jake, come here."

We left the room and went downstairs to keep Jake from seeing the women.

When Jake arrived in the house, he didn't bother to hide his terror. Sam met him on the staircase. "I didn't touch her! I swear to God!" Jake squealed and hid his hands behind his back. For just one second, the evil part of me wanted to drag him upstairs and ask him to explain how my wife was pregnant and demand to know how long they had been having an affair. Alas, Bella wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face, so playing that prank was crossed off the list.

Sam said, "Keep your voice down. That's not what this is about, you moron. I'm offering you a diplomatic post to represent the tribe."

"Are you shitting me?" Well, now that he asked so bluntly, I scoffed while watching, Sam was. Jacob, fortunately for us all, lacked the brain cells to figure that out.

Jacob had clearly not forgotten that Marcus had shattered both of the pup's hands the last time Jake had angered him – hopefully the only time he would get on his bad side. He now had a healthy respect for that scary old dude that Angela was hung up on. Marcus stood just outside the doorway of the room we were in. He wasn't about to let Jacob anywhere near Bella or Angela. The rubber-lipped rapscallion would go running straight to Charlie if he learned of Bella's condition without Sam giving him an alpha order to keep his trap shut.

Marcus explained, "We're giving you an opportunity to make something out of your name. To learn more about the vampires that you were created to fight – and to see that peace remains between our peoples."

Jake's chest puffed out. "What do you want me to do?"

"Whatever I tell you to do, Jacob. You will be in my army and I will give you orders that you will follow without question. You will also be paid a monthly wage."

Sam used the alpha voice, "You will not discuss anything about Angela Weber or Bella Swan with anyone but the pack, and only in private. You may not speak about those women around anyone else."

"Sure. Sure." Jacob blinked in confusion.

"Your first paycheck will be at the end of this week," Marcus said.

"Awesome, I could always use money. Say, you got any cars I can fix for you?"

"No, but I do have some soldiers that are going to teach you the principles of hand to hand combat starting now." Marcus snapped his fingers and Felix approached.

"Ah, I see we have our newest recruit," Felix grinned. "Please come with me."

Jake snickered. "You're going to have me fight a hair dresser? What's he going to do, attack me with scissors?"

Felix narrowed his eyes. I suspect Jake was going to be taught a lesson soon. I wonder how long it would take his arms to regenerate after Felix ripped them off?

Marcus laughed, "Felix, you can give him a haircut when you're done teaching him manners. Send Demetri here."

Once Jacob was out of range Sam said, "I can't thank you enough. He needs to grow up and he couldn't do it here."

"My pleasure." Marcus turned as Demetri entered the room. "Samuel, Demetri has a gift of being able to find anyone. I'd like you to escort him and two of my men to the place on your land where you found the vampire scents. We will locate them and ensure they do not trespass on your land again."

Trailed by a silent Demetri, and two Volturi guards Sam left the house and joined his pack.

Seth watched the vampires as they ran at their side. He said to Sam, "They move so freaking fast. It's kind of awesome to watch when it's not coming straight for you."

"True. I'm glad they're on our side."

"Yeah, that too." Seth laughed.

Bella curled up beside me on the sofa and fell asleep. Angela, Marcus and I watched a movie.

Three hours later, Jacob emerged from his training session with Felix a changed man. He now had a healthy respect for the lumbering Volturi guard, courtesy of two broken arms, and a short haircut, too. With nothing left on his empty pate but stubble, Jake resembled a recruit for the Marines. Marcus went downstairs to check on his progress. Bella still slept so I remained in place. She had her head on my lap, while I stroked her hair with one hand, and had my palm on her abdomen. I could feel the fluttering of the baby.

Marcus asked Felix, "How did he do?"

"He broke my arms!" Jake whined, flapping his upper limbs like a penguin.

Felix sniffed, "He has a lot to learn, Master Marcus. He's not ready."

"I see. Show him to the barracks, and see that the medics set his bones. Once they are healed, double whatever you were planning to do in his training. Good evening." Felix all but dragged a wailing Jake from the house. As he passed into the back yard, the newborns saw him and started chanting, "Stinky boy! Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!"

Bella surprised me by sitting straight up, covering her mouth and dashing for the bathroom.

Angela called down to her husband, "Marcus, what is that disgusting smell?"

"What is it, dearest?" Marcus asked.

"Poor Bella took one whiff of it and fled for the bathroom."

I said to Marcus, "I think both women can smell the wolves. We'll have to keep them from the house."

As I handed my wife a wet washrag, I suffered mixed emotions. Part of me felt so proud that my Bella vomited at the stench of Jacob Black. What a way to show her loyalty! The other part felt guilty because I knew she hated being ill. But still. Her body was already teaching her that the wolves were our natural enemy. There were some benefits to this pregnancy aside from the obvious.

Six hours passed before Demetri and his two comrades returned to the mansion.

"Report," Marcus ordered.

"We located the scents."

"Is it anyone we know?"

"Not anyone that I have ever encountered. They went east."

"Take Alec with you, and twenty-five men. See if you can find where our visitors have wandered."

"Yes, Master."

A week later, Marcus recalled his men.

Alec bowed as he approached his leader. "Master Marcus."

"How many?"

"Demetri identified ten other scents. Whoever they are, they are trying very hard to cover their tracks. We could find them if we have more men and time." From his thoughts, I could tell that Alec hated admitting that they hadn't caught the mysterious vampires.

"We found this." Demetri handed Marcus a flash drive. Marcus put it in his laptop and clicked on the first file. It was Angela and Marcus' engagement photo. Someone had scanned their wedding announcement and had circled the date the ceremony took place.

Marcus put down the book he had been reading. "I think we would be better off keeping our men close. Demetri has their scents. We can find them at our leisure."

"Yes, Master." Marcus appeared troubled as Alec left the room.

Henrietta, Douglas' mate called for me in a panic in the middle of the night. I disentagled my limbs from Bella's and went into the next room to see what was the matter. Poor Douglas, my friend looked awful. He lay on his side and clutched his belly. His heart rate sounded uneven. Then he stopped breathing. I started CPR. The average squirrel lived six years, a voice in the back of my head whispered. Douglas had run out of time. Henrietta jumped up and down, squeaked and gestured at their children, begging me to help her mate.

"I'm doing my best." I promised her. Twenty minutes later I had a normal heartbeat established in him, but he clearly was not long for this world. I don't know what came over me. Douglas was my friend. He supported me in my hour of need. I didn't want him to die. In desperation, I made a small cut under his throat and drooled venom on him. Nothing happened. My friend remained limp in my hand. The squirrel, you degenerate. I meant the squirrel.

I heard a gasp behind me. Somehow my wife had managed to sneak up behind me. She stared at the bleeding squirrel in my hand and pointed a shaking finger. "You didn't!"

"Didn't what, dearest?" I felt like I'd been caught wet handed.

"You drank our friend!" I gawped at her. "Oh, Edward, how could you?" Bella began to cry.

"I didn't drink him! I didn't even inhale! Please don't cry, sweetheart."

"Edward?" Marcus, too, had somehow snuck up behind me. I all but leaped in the air and spun around holding Douglas. I felt ashamed, to be caught dead-handed with a crying mate. It just felt like Marcus had caught me doing something intimate – like performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a squirrel.

"He's dying," I explained.

"Duh, you bit him," Bella sniffed.

"You tried to turn him?" Marcus said that so calmly.

"Yes, his wife asked me to keep him alive." I felt like Adam pointing his finger at Eve and trying to explain about that apple business.

Bella put her hand over her mouth and burst into even louder tears.

Marcus said, "Let's see what my venom does. Since I'm so much older than you, it's more potent. Hand him to me." I put my arms around Bella and watched him and tried to calm her down at the same time. She buried her face in my shirt.

Marcus made another cut in Douglas and drooled, there's no other word that quite describes it, venom onto my furry friend. The broken skin on Douglas healed immediately. Marcus handed him back to me.

Douglas started to twitch and shriek. Henrietta made even more noise. Bella cried alongside her.

I said to Bella and Henrietta, "He's going to be like this for a few days. I'll take him to another room so you can get some rest. There's nothing you can do now but wait."

Bella wiped at her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry for doubting you."

"Well, it did look bad. I don't blame you."

"Really?" She gave me a watery smile. I kissed her forehead.

"Better?" I asked

"With you at my side? Always."

Marcus called Emmett and Rosalie to the house. They arrived fifteen minutes later.

"Ah, Emmett, I need you and Rosalie to construct a strong cage."

"How strong?"

"Strong enough that a small vampire can't escape."

"Are we going to punk Aro?" Emmett rubbed his hands together and called to his wife, "Rosie, we need to get the camera to film this."

Marcus looked confused. "I beg your pardon?"

Rosalie interjected, "He means to ask if you are going to play a practical joke on Aro."

"No."

"Okay." Emmett asked, "How big is the vampire?"

"See for yourself." Marcus gestured at me.

"Fuck me!" Emmett yelped as he stared at my hand.

"Thank you kindly for the offer, but I'd rather not." Marcus answered.

Rosalie's lips flapped and not a sound emerged. I wanted to freeze that moment for all of eternity.

Emmett raised his brows and whistled, "Holy shit, Edward! What did you do?" Rosalie looked at me askance. I didn't need to rely on that mind-reading gift to tell she was judging me.

"What the hell were you thinking putting a newborn animal vampire around your pregnant wife? And Angela?"

"I'm quite sure I can protect the ladies from a solitary squirrel. We called you because we knew you were the best option for keeping Douglas contained."

Marcus took pity on me. "Rosalie, I changed Douglas."

My sister gawped again. Someone needed to tell her that her face could freeze like that for all eternity.

Emmett shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and asked, "No offense, Marcus, but why?"

"He is important to Bella and Edward. Besides, the animal was dying, it couldn't hurt to try. I need you to make a shelter for him until we are sure that he can be let out."

"No problem. We'll take him and watch over him. I'm a vetrinarian."

"That would be fine. Thank you for your assistance," Marcus said.

Emmett called me two days later, "Hey Edward, it worked."

"How is he?"

"I'm feeding him deer blood. He really likes it."

"Thank you for helping, Emmett. Please keep me posted."

"I'm making a leash for him and am going to take him hunting." Emmett sounded entirely too excited at that idea. I hung up the phone and stared out the window.

"Douglas made the transition," I said to my wife.

Bella asked, "I thought you couldn't turn animals?"

"I've never heard of it happening. Marcus said the strength of his venom is what did it."

"Good. I'd hate to create an army of vampire deer after you turn me."

Emmett called several hours later, "Man, your friend Douglas is awesome!"

"So the hunt went well?"

"Oh yeah."

"Did he try to attack any other squirrels?"

"No, Douglas is ambitious. He went for a Roosevelt Elk. Brought it down himself."

"How? He's just a tiny little thing?"

"His bite from what I can tell packs a punch. One chomp from him and the animal keels over."

"Again, how? I just don't understand."

"You'll have to see it to believe it," Emmett laughed.

When Bella would have her "girl time," with my sisters, Angela, and Esme, Marcus and I kept Douglas company. He appeared to be handling the newborn phase with remarkable aplomb.

Another month passed. When it rains, it pours. Despite all our best plans, the day quickly went to hell in a hand basket. It started out innocently enough. Angela complained of pains in her back, and her baby broke one of her ribs. We all heard the snap as Angela moaned in pain.

Father came into the room and said, "Marcus, Angela, I think it's time."

"Oh, thank God. Get the baby out of me." Angela seemed so tired. Bella didn't look much better.

"Soon that will be you, dearest." I said to Bella.

"I'm happy for her. I can't wait to see the baby." My wife's selflessness never ceased to astound me. She got this funny expression on her face.

"What is it?"

Bella screamed, clutched her abdomen and fainted. I gawped for two seconds like a simpleton before rushing to catch her as she fell. Her skin had turned chalky white.

Without thinking twice about it, I shouted for the only other doctor in the family: Rosalie.

I carried Bella to the other examining room that we had prepared and began trying to ascertain her condition. Rosalie rushed into the room and screeched, "Can't you smell all that blood?" She snatched a scalpel, licked her lips, and quickly got clocked by Sulpicia with all that newborn strength.

"What?" Sulpicia shrugged. "I'm an obstetrician and your sister is fucking obnoxious. You don't hold a scalpel like that, and she needs to get control of her blood lust." She gave Bella a shot of morphine as Jasper came sprinting into the room and tried to eat my wife. Again. I had to hit him. Hard. Several times. Felix came to Jasper's rescue, and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dragged the slobbering vampire from the room before he did something suicidal like try to take a bite out of Angela.

Bella came to, reached out to me, and said, "I love you."

"Looks like that baby is coming sooner than we planned." I tried to smile to hide my fear.

"She takes after her father in the impatience department. Oh God, that hurts." The drugs took effect on Bella and she quieted and closed her eyes.

I stared at Sulpicia's bright red eyes as she stood over my bleeding wife.

"Relax." Sulpicia waved an arm. "I already ate." Rosalie had enough of a self-preservation drive not to attack Aro's mate especially when Aro strolled into the room.

"Oh darling, is it time?" he chirped. "Edward, congratulations! I can't wait to be an uncle twice over." He glided across the room and clicked his tongue. "That looks painful," he gestured to Bella as Sulpicia made the first incision.

Truth be told, I was impressed at how efficiently Sulpicia did the c-section. Her thoughts showed me that she quickly reached a layer that the scalpel could not penetrate.

"The blade is doing nothing here."

Aro leaned forward and said, "Oh, I think you've hit the part that the baby usually chews through. Messy business, that."

She ordered me, "Use your teeth." I didn't need to be told twice. Bella needed me. Our child needed me. I could hear the frightened mind of our baby. It only took her birth to make her say something that I could capture with my gift. She took after me in that not-very-talkative department.

"Hush, little one. I'm coming to get you. Stay calm," I crooned to my child.

I felt a moment's trepidation at the idea of what Aro wanted me to do. I felt like a cannibal.

Aro said, "A moment, my dear boy. I think it would be better if I did that. Bella is not _my _singer." He leaned over and bit into the layer delicately. Later, I would have to remember to be deeply traumatized about that sight. Aro straightened and wiped at his mouth with his sleeve.

I reached into the hole Aro made and took a first look at my child. I admit, I felt this rush of emotion, of sheer joy amidst the panic the first time I touched her. I had never thought that I would ever have a biological child to call my own, I–

"Stop dithering. She's losing blood!" Sulpicia barked. Oh. Right. That.

Aro crooned, "Edward, you can do it. Pick up your child a little higher." So I did.

Mother came into the room and said, "Edward give me the baby. Bella needs you."

In that moment, it didn't matter that she was my singer. I loved Bella far more than I loved the scent of her blood. That didn't mean it wasn't difficult not drinking her dry. It was. But she was worth the sacrifice. Besides, Aro kept his hand on me and said with his thoughts, _If you so much as twitch like you're going to drain her, I will have to strike you, Edward._

I gave my wife a shot of venom to the heart, and another two of morphine for good measure. Bella didn't move once.

A harried Marcus came into the room, holding a swaddled infant and said, "We have a son. Angela's transformation has started."

"Isn't that wonderful?" Aro clapped his hands.

Mother finished cleaning my daughter and said, "You have a lovely little girl." I could not wrap my head around the idea that this small child was mine. She was perfect. Her little hands reached out for me. I heard Bella gasp. Seeing her bloody, cut open, I admit. I panicked.

Putting a hand on my shoulder, Marcus said, "Best get on with it. I'll stay here to assist you." He glared Aro's incipient protests about the possibility of me drinking my wife dry into silence.

Staring down at the ruin of Bella's body, I acted as quickly as I could before her heart stopped beating. Marcus and Aro both kept a hand on my shoulder as I worked. I put my teeth to the side of her lovely throat and bit into her flesh. God help me, if it weren't for the cries of my daughter keeping me grounded, or the assurance that Marcus and Aro would intervene, I don't know if I could have stopped.

Marcus thwacked me on the back of the skull and said, "Enough, bite her again!" That helped too. I added bites to the inside of her wrists, ankles, and along the femoral artery. Being in this intimate position between my wife's spread thighs was all kinds of awkward. I mean, I had certainly imagined being in a similar position a time or fifty, but definitely not with an audience. Both Aro and Marcus turned their backs as I cleaned the blood from Bella and covered her with a sheet. I could smell my venom spreading through her system.

I heard something on the edge of my gift. Lots of somethings. I shh'd everyone and listened harder.

Aro asked, "What is it?"

"We have company. Lots of company headed towards us. They are about a mile away."

"Finally," Marcus said.

"Did you invite someone?"

"In a manner of speaking. I invited them to fall into a trap. Jane!"

The tiny woman entered the room, "Yes, Master?"

"Our mystery guests have decided to make an appearance. I want you to guard Bella and Angela. Kill anyone that threatens them."

Jane positively beamed. I was completely fine with her killing anyone that threatened my wife. Perhaps now that the baby was born, I could persuade Jake to drop by for a not-so-friendly visit?

Marcus barked, "Jasper! Alec! Felix! Edward! Let's go."

When Felix dragged Jasper to us, he had the grace to appear ashamed for trying to snack on my wife and child.

I asked, "Where are we going?"

"To spring a trap. I need your gift. Aro, take your group and swing around like we discussed." Aro all but skipped to his group of newborns and clapped his hands.

"Children! Children! We are going to have a fight!"

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Jake was with them.

Marcus said, "Jake, phase and alert the pack. Tell them they are invited to come and see if the scents are familiar."

As I walked out the door, Emmett said, "Hey buddy. You forgot someone." He had Douglas in his hand. "I think he can handle himself just fine."

Douglas wanted to know what was wrong.

"People are coming to attack us."

That was enough for my furry friend. He wanted to help. I asked the birds if they would mind flying overhead and scouting the enemy's location for me. They were delighted to help.

We found them half a mile from the house. Marcus sure could pick his traps. His men had basically chased the invading immortals into the open arms of his army.

I listened to the cacaphony of furious minds of the enemy.

"Are they who I think they are?" Marcus asked me.

"They're Romanians, and man, they can sure hold a grudge."

"I hope to cure them of that flaw. It's only polite, you know."

Marcus didn't even give them the courtesy of a parlay. Nor did he bother throwing a taunt or two at them. These men had dragged him away from his wife when she was weak and vulnerable. I quite agreed with his assessment. I was getting angry all over again.

So I decided to take a page out of Machiavelli. I used my gift to figure out which one was the leader. When I heard his thoughts, I lost all patience. Not that I had much to begin with.

Marcus said, "What do they want?"

"They heard about Bella's and Angela's pregnancies. They planned on performing c-sections on the women, killing the infants, and impregnating them once they had healed." I pointed at one tall man sporting a scraggly beard, "He's the one that wanted Angela."

Then I lunged at the bastard leading the Romanians. The one that had designs on my wife.

I suppose all those years wrestling with my brothers paid off. I was able to use my gift to predict which way the enemy would move and compensate for it. If it weren't for that, and my rage, I probably would have died. This man really knew how to fight. I ducked a lunge of his teeth and reached out and ripped off his dominant arm.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the husband of the woman you wanted. She won't be going with you."

"We have a right to continue our line!" He hissed as we circled each other.

"Not with my wife you don't. Get your own."

"We've never been able to get a human woman pregnant. Give us the knowledge that you have and we'll let you live." I couldn't give what I didn't have. I had no idea why Bella and Angela conceived and other women did not. Douglas landed on my shoulder and growled.

"What the heck is that?" The enemy leader pointed at Douglas' red eyes.

"That is your death. Have at it Douglas!" He sailed from my shoulder and landed on the vampire's shoulder, took one bite out of his throat at a speed that impressed even me.

"Ouch!" The man yowled and tried to swat Douglas. He missed. Douglas leaped down the man's tunic. The leader, Stefan, let out this ungodly scream when Douglas chomped his. . . Never mind. Ew.

Marcus and I made quick work of his body. Stefan's. Douglas was fine.

We outnumbered the attackers. I felt a rush when the Romanians saw men advancing on them from every side and panicked. And then I lost myself. I fell into battle rage and dismembered the next vampire from the other side that I encountered roaring the entire time.

The Romanians really became concerned when the pack showed up.

"Children of the moon!" They wailed and tried to stampede. The wolves lunged and made short work of those in their path.

Marcus' men hadn't had a good war in several centuries. They thoroughly enjoyed the fight. And all I can say is that I'm glad Marcus is my friend because he makes a terrifying opponent. I could hear Aro shouting encouragement to his newborns who changed, "Die Assholes!" at the enemy as they fought. Within an hour, we had killed the last enemy.

Marcus said, "Aro, supervise the burning of the bodies, Edward and I are going home."

Surrounded by soldiers, we ran for the mansion. Jake sniffed at me and said, "Why do you smell like Bella's blood?"

"Because she just gave birth to our daughter."

"Oh, Cool. When can I see her?"

"Never." Marcus glared at Jacob.

"Why?" he whined.

"Your kind have a history of imprinting on children. If you imprinted on mine or Edward's, I'd kill you. So don't ever make the mistake of laying an eye on our children."

"Got it," Jake gulped.

"Oh come now Marcus, aren't you being a little harsh?" Marcus raised an eybrow at me.

"No," he answered.

"What do you mean?" Jake narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously. "And what's with you turning animals?" Jake nervously studied Douglas, who bared his teeth and hissed.

I said, "We were going to invite you."

"Invite me to what?"

"To be bitten so you could join our family, Jake."

"No fucking way! Are you nuts?"

"You're important to Bella, Jake, my brother, my son."

Jake turned heel and ran.

Marcus and I waited until he was out of hearing range to laugh.

We found Alec guarding the perimeter of the mansion. Marcus said to Felix, "There's a report of a pack of children of the moon in Siberia. Take Jake and forty men and find out if it's true."

"When do you want us to leave?" Felix asked.

"Now."

Esme gave me a bottle of blood and I fed our daughter for the first time. Mother had cleaned her up, dressed her into a tiny gown, and wrapped her in a blanket. My daughter had such expressive eyes, just like her mother. I sat by Bella for three days, just as Marcus bore witness to his wife's change. Angela - her cries broke our hearts - metaphorically speaking, alas.

For the first twenty-four hours, Bella never made a single sound. Then she started screaming. And my, did she make up for lost time. Her screaming set off the children and they started howling. I didn't know who to run to for a split second. The cry of my child woke up my protective instincts, just as the shrieks from my transforming bride did. Fortunately, my brother recognized my problem.

"Edward, you need to take care of Bella. We'll handle the rest, buddy." Emmett said, "Rosie, you get the baby, I'll get Marcus' son, and we'll take them to the other side of the house."

I had to be completely desperate if I was letting Rosalie take my child to another room. So I sent Mary Alice with them. Just in case.

I don't know what was worse, Bella laying there like a corpse or Bella writhing and screaming my name and begging me not to leave her. I sang to her and held her hand and nothing seemed to lessen her pain. And I didn't mean to complain, but damn the woman could punch. Marcus seemed equally miserable. Jasper had supervised far more transformations that Carlisle had and he came in to keep us company in our mutual misery.

"She's progressing rapidly, Edward. All looks well." He tried to comfort me by sending a few calming zaps of his gift my way, and then went to check on Angela. Marcus was so territorial over his wife, that only Jasper dared approach. He was smart enough to know if he used his gift on Marcus that vampire would lose what little control he had over his temper.

"Marcus," Jasper said, "I know this is hard to hear, but she is halfway done. Soon this will be nothing but a bad memory. You should talk to her. It might help."

Two days later, my Bella's heart beat for the last time. She opened her eyes.

"Bella?" I handed her a glass of deer blood. She gulped it down. I was overjoyed at the simple sight of her drinking. It didn't take much to make me happy.

"More, please." Five glasses later she said, "Our baby?"

"We have a daughter."

"I want to see Nessie." God help me. She decided on that name. I kept composed features. I was going to have to think up a nickname soon. And I was ecstatic to have my wife. Alive and well. Hopefully we could make love soon, because damn, my wife was smoking hot.

Rosalie brought our daughter to us.

Bella blinked at our child. "Edward, that's not a baby, that's a toddler."

"They grow quickly."

"How long was I out? _Six months_?"  
>I assured her, "No, the typical three days."<p>

"Hello, little one. I'm your mother." Nessie held out her arms for Bella and she picked up her daughter for the first time.

After kissing her pink cheek, Bella leaned up and kissed me. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me my daughter. For trusting yourself to turn me. For believing in us."

"You're worth it."

"Oh, and Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Start up that Russian adoption now that we know our daughter can control her blood lust. I'd like two boys. Let's go see your Aunt Angela, shall we?" She walked away with our daughter as I stared, gobsmacked.

**One year later**

Douglas pulled me away from my sleeping child's side. He was frantic.

"What's wrong?" The picture he showed me was ghastly. "Emmett," I whispered at vampire pitch.

"What?"

"We have a problem. I need your help."

"Lead the way."

We sped to the clearing that Douglas indicated. I found Gus, Bruce the honey badger, and seven skunks writhing on the ground in agony. Nearby was a bag of bulbs. They smelled off.

Emmett sniffed and swore, "That asshole!"

"What is wrong?" Aro had followed us and stared around dismayed.

"They were fed poison. By Paul if my nose is right."

"Well, we can't have that. Can we?"

Aro hummed as he went to Bruce, slit his skin and drooled all over him. He repeated the same procedure with all the other animals.

Three days later, we had more vampiric minions. The skunks were livid and wanted revenge. All they wanted, once we trusted them to show some discipline, was to spend their time harassing Paul and Jacob. We discovered, much to our distress, that immortality only made their odor worse. So I let them try it out on a screaming Paul. Again, and again, and again. They were so excited at their success, they left for Siberia to test drive their stench on Jake. Time may have passed, but the Stench Wars lived on.

As we walked back to the house, I took some pictures of the animals that I had snapped and emailed them.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting even."

"How?"

"Paul has a girlfriend who is a card-carrying member of PETA."

"That environmentalist group? The one that goes bonkers over animals?"

"The very one."

"So what did you do?"

"I asked her if she knew she was dating a man who poisoned innocent animals for fun. I don't think Jesus would approve."

I used my gift to check on the status of Paul.

"Now, honey!" he whined and backed away from his girlfriend. She had a rolled up newspaper and smacked him across the nose.

"Don't you honey me, you asshole! Those poor animals! I'm never having sex with you again!"

Just for kicks, I sent the pictures to Sam as well, so he could see what Paul had been doing in his spare time, and explaining that he'd poisoned Aro's pet badger. The last image I had of Sam was him stomping over to Paul's house and tag-teaming him with the girlfriend. Good times.

Bella greeted me at the door. "What is it?"

"Paul poisoned Gus, Bruce and the skunks. Aro turned them."

My wife shook her head, "I hope you got even."

I grinned. "That's the spirit. You're a woman after my own heart."

"Nessie's asleep. Let's go." She pulled me by the hand to our bedroom. My wife was the perfect woman. She had me in the palm of her hand. Literally.

**Five years later**

"Thanks so much, Uncle Aro and Aunt Sulpicia!" Nessie stared down at the birthday gift. Bruce was perched on Aro's shoulder rooting around in his hair. Aro and Sulpicia treated the badger as if he was their child. Bruce had no complaints about this arrangement.

All the shredded wrapping paper had been picked up from the floor as Nessie and Sebastian's dual birthday celebrations ended. We had been advised by Alice not long after the babies were born that we needed to move, and that we were never to allow Jacob to lay eyes upon Nessie. I had no problem with either suggestion. Sebastian would have killed anyone that looked at Nessie twice, regardless. He had very quickly decided that she was his mate, and neither our daughter, Bella, nor I had any complaints about that situation. They made a handsome couple.

Marcus ensured that Jacob was kept busy and far away from our new quarters in Italy. My eldest child appeared to be a teenager despite her young years. Her younger brothers, Anthony and Andrew, twins we adopted from Russia, seemed to think this was totally unfair.

I wagged a finger at Nessie and said, "I don't care if you look like you are a fully grown adult. You're _five_. I'm not letting you drive the car." She stomped off to find her mother, who reminded her that she needed to put her bra on.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Andrew?"

"Can you tell me and Anthony about The Stench Wars? Uncle Aro says you tell the story best."

"Once upon a time, in a town called Forks . . .."

"Wait, is there kissing in this story?" Anthony scrunched his nose in disgust.

"I'll try to keep the kissing to a minimum."

"Carry on." He waved his arm in a dead-on impersonation of Marcus.

"There was this lonely vampire that fell for a mortal girl. But a nasty werewolf stood in their way."

Andrew interrupted, "Does the werewolf die?"

"No," I leaned forward and said darkly, "What happens is much worse."

Both boys asked at the same time, "What?"

"You'll have to be patient and wait until we reach the good part."

Anthony shrugged. "As long as the werewolf loses, I don't care."

"We definitely won."

"Awesome." My sons had picked up that word from their Aunt Angela.

Two hours later, I had finished the tale before a rapt audience. My wife winked at me from across the room as she brushed our daughter's hair. I had long ago confessed my part in the Stench Wars, much to Bella's delight. I didn't regret a single thing. Okay, I never told her about her mother's head because I was not stupid. And I was kind of sort of sorry that it was carted around as long as it was. But it was for a good moral purpose. And it wasn't as if Renée _needed_ it.

As I stared at my smiling bride, the light of my immortal life, surrounded by our children, I had to admit, she was worth all the effort.

Douglas scampered inside the house and perched on Andrew's shoulder as I recounted my tale of dastardly deeds. I handed the squirrel an almond from the supply I kept on me to take to his children.

"And they lived happily ever after," I finished my tale.

"Cool." Andrew high-fived his twin.

"Your grandmother has made your dinner. Lasagna."

"Oh boy!" Both twins dashed from the room. I had quickly learned to never get in between them and a plate of food.

Bella put her arms around me. "So, husband."

"So, wife."

"I think we need to take a second honeymoon. I've already arranged for Esme to keep the children."

"When do you want to go?"

"Now. Our bags are waiting at the cabin in the mountains." She leaned forward, "I want you to myself for two weeks."

I lifted her in my arms, leaped out the window, and ran into the forest holding my laughing wife.

**The End.**

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><p>Douglas and Gus are waving at you. Thanks so much for reading! So, any outtake requests?<p>

**Please review. It inspires snark. **

**Remember to put me on Author Alert. I have a new story called Unbecoming. It's AH. **


	18. Outtake One and Teaser

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**I had several requests for Angela and Marcus. Here's a bit of what I wrote. There's a teaser at the end of the file for Unbecoming.**

**Thanks for reading!**

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><p>"Mom said wake up!" I winced as my little brother tugged on my hair for emphasis. At five years of age, Ethan and Bryan were a handful. I groaned as both of them clambered up on my mattress and began jumping up and down on my bed. They were the world's best alarm clock.<p>

"Okay, okay, I'm awake you little animals." My arms shot out and grabbed each brother. I yanked them down to the bed and began our usual game of trying to give them kisses while they squealed and squirmed like worms in ashes and attempted to escape.

"Angela, you're going to be late for school," Mother called from downstairs.

"Yes, Mother." I shooed my brothers out of my room and closed the door quietly so I could dress in haste. As I prepared to leave, I inspected my surroundings. I'd made the bed. The wooden furniture and bookshelves gleamed with lemon oil. The green shag floor did not have a single object on it. My room looked like it belonged in a catalog. That was how Mother insisted that I keep it, and I never let her down. As I walked downstairs, I fiddled with the silver filigree cross I had around my neck.

"What's on your mind?" Mother asked as she passed me a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage. I poured juice for my little brothers. The only time they were ever quiet, aside from when they slept, was when food was before them on a plate. They took eating so seriously. Bombs could go off and they wouldn't notice.

I couldn't tell my mother what was going on in my life. She would over-react, and order me to do something that I didn't want to do. But I hated lying to her. So I settled for a partial truth.

"I have a lot on my mind from school."

"How are your classes going, dear?"

"I'm making A's in three of my classes and high B's in the others. Spanish is giving me fits."

"Would you like us to find you a tutor?"

"Alice Cullen said she'd help me after school. Is it okay if I stay late to work with her?"

"Why don't you come here?"

"I'll ask her if she doesn't mind. Thanks, Mom." I kissed her cheek as I put on my coat. It looked like from the clouds outside that we were in for a storm.

On the way to school, I pretended to read a book while my brothers played with each other in the back seat. They had such an easy camaraderie. When I had been born, I'd been a surprise. My parents had been doing missionary work in Mexico and hadn't had time to have a sonogram. They had no idea they were expecting twins. My little brother died two days after we were born. I nearly died, too. Mom named me Angela because she said I had angels watching over me, including that of Arthur, my twin. It's hard to describe how I felt about him. I know it might strike others as morbid or gross, but Mom had a picture of him. He had been alive then, but barely hanging on. They had wrapped him in a blanket and placed him in a crib right next to me. In the picture he had his little hand across my forehead, almost like he was blessing me.

"Have a blessed day." That was how mother always told us to behave. I got out at school and waved as the car drove away. I straightened my shoulders and reminded myself that woman all over the world struggled with the same problems that I had. I was a Weber, darn it. We were made of strong stuff. I was not going to cave and let go of my principles.

I sighed as I ran through the arguments I planned on using in my mind. The crowd of students seemed to melt around me as I made my way to class. Ben was going to have to accept that I wasn't going to let him touch me the way he wanted to. Even if it felt good. We had stuck to simple kissing for months. Yesterday he had tried to take things further with his hands, and I'd literally fallen off his lap. I had a bruise on my arm and another on my knee. Ben had been angry, I'd been hurt and offended. We hadn't called each other last night like we usually did. Having a boyfriend was more work than I expected.

Sometimes, I hated my life. With a sinking realization, I decided that I was going to have to tell him that we were going to have to cool things down. My parents were already making noises about asking me to break up with him. I'd had to beg for permission to date him in the first place. The only reason they had granted it was because Ben and his family went to our church and my parents knew and liked him. I could tell, though, that Dad had been reconsidering his position lately. He usually sent Mom to do the first round of giving the bad news before he actually delivered it. A few nights back she launched into a story when I was studying the Bible about how her sister had been forced by her parents to break up with her long term boyfriend so she could focus on her studies and lo and behold, like magic, God had given her a husband she had met the next year. After hearing that story, I couldn't help but wonder how the rejected boyfriend fared. Was he happy? Did my aunt feel like she had made the best choice? Deep down inside, a voice whispered to me that Ben was as good as I'd ever get: he passed my parents' religion test, his family was active in our church, he was polite and made good grades and didn't hang out with losers. I couldn't help but wonder. What this it? Was he the one that God wanted me to marry? Because despite caring about him, part of me felt empty. It scared me that this might be as good as I'd ever get – because it felt like I'd been given a half portion. And part of me felt awful for feeling that way.

I reached for my locker and something grabbed me from behind. One second I was standing in a dim hallway at school staring at grey metal, and the next I felt wind on my face as the world around me blurred. I was too scared to move. Coward that I am, I closed my eyes and prayed to God to save me.

Whoever had me was strong. Scary strong. I smelled the forest, and my head rested against a tree. When I opened my eyes the world as I knew it ceased to exist. I saw this man, this almost too gorgeous to be real man looking at me with awe in his eyes. He wore a dark suit and a light blue tie. And he smelled amazing. I could get drunk from his scent alone.

He stroked my cheek with a reverent hand and murmured, "I have waited thousands of years for you, my love, to return to me. We shall never be separated again."

I should be screaming my head off begging someone to help me. But I couldn't seem to care. Something in me recognized that this man would never hurt me. But he had to be confused. No one lived for thousands of years. As calmly as I could I said the first thing that came to mind. "I have a boyfriend. His name is Ben." I meant to add to that, "He and my family will miss me very much. Please take me home." But when I stared at his eyes, the words dried up on my tongue. Then he kissed me.

I don't even know if I have the words to describe it. I felt his lips brush softly against mine, and at his touch my whole body cried out for him. I never wanted to leave. Whatever cologne he had on was amazing, combined with the taste of him. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.

I felt his thumb rubbing against my bottom lip and wanted the whine. He had stopped kissing me. That was wrong.

He seemed amused by me as he leaned forward tantalizingly close to my mouth. "Who was that you were talking about?"

"I can't remember." Really, my mind went blank. Then I blurted out, "You're really hot. What's your name?" I nearly cringed when I heard the words. I sounded like Jessica Stanley mooning over Edward Cullen.

He seemed delighted at my lame attempts at conversation. His dark eyes lit up – his eyes almost looked black in the dim forest – and he said, "I am called Marcus. And you are Angela, yes?"

"That's me. Can you kiss me again?" I threw shame out the window. There had to be a reason I had pushed Ben away and he was holding me in his arms. I moaned as his lips moved down my neck. No one had ever touched me like this. I felt like I was on fire. I whispered his name like a prayer.

He put his hands at my waist and pulled me close. I felt his arm go under my legs as he held me against his chest. He started to run. I hadn't imagined that speed thing. Marcus could beat anyone at the Olympics, I bet.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Home. Forever."

"Fine with me."

"We're getting married, too."

My lips moved for a second or two. Stunned, I blurted out the only thing I could. "Awesome." Because, really, who had prince charming show up at a high school in a tiny logging town of Forks?

He came to a stop in front of this giant house. I yelped and wrapped my arms tighter around Marcus' neck when I saw scores of men with red eyes surround us.

"What's with the contacts?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The contact lenses that make their eyes red. Why are they all wearing them?"

"That's a long story."

"Good thing I like them."

Marcus said something rapid in a language that sounded gorgeous. I could listen to his voice forever. He had this deep baritone that would make a radio announcer weep with envy. It sent shivers down my spine. I wanted to jump the man just for talking.

He carried me inside the house and up a staircase. We reached a dark room.

"Where are we?" I stared around. It looked like no one lived there. The bed hadn't been slept in. It had a dark blue comforter on it. One corner of the room had a leather armchair and a sofa that had books neatly stacked on it.

"You don't remember me?" He seemed sad all of a sudden.

"No. I'm sorry," I shook my head. "I feel like I know you from somewhere, but I can't place your face."

"My name is Marcus Telecles. I am your husband."

"I think I'd remember getting married."

"You did. Over a thousand years ago. Your twin killed you. I have mourned you every second of every day since. But somehow, the gods brought you back."

Gods? Mom and Dad were going to freak out that I was consorting with someone who didn't appear to be Christian. Forget for a moment that he looked like he was ten years older. I tried not to get distracted looking at his shoulders because he was built. His hands had calluses on them. Whatever he did, he used them. It was such a marked difference from the soft hands of the men and women I knew.

Wait. He stared at me like he expected an answer. Like he meant that part about a thousand years.

"How could you have waited for me for all that time? People don't live that long."

"You are correct, little one. They do not." He kissed my nose.

"What . . . are you?" Normal people didn't run so fast the world turned into a blur. He had taken me out of school so fast I hadn't heard a sound from the other students. Almost like they couldn't see him.

Surely someone would notice that I wasn't in school by now. Mom would get called. I was so going to get grounded when I got home. My cell phone chirped. I ignored it and waited for an explanation.

Marcus sighed and turned on the lamp as he sank into the leather recliner with me on his lap.

His eyes were dark red. Sitting as close as I was, I could tell they were not contacts.

"I am called vampire by your kind." Mom and Dad were really going to have a problem with this. How could I tell them I was marrying the undead?

"They can never know."

Oops, I said that out loud.

"Why?"

"Not only would they not understand. But knowing would put their lives in danger. We have laws that our kind are to remain secret from mortals. If a mortal finds out, we either turn that person, or kill them. We cannot be revealed to the world. It would create chaos and millions could die."

I nodded. I couldn't see my parents taking news like this calmly. Sure, they'd keep the secrets of their parishioners who came to them for spiritual counseling. I couldn't see Mom keeping quiet about her daughter hanging out with a vampire.

"We are getting married today."

"My father is going to insist on doing the ceremony. He's a minister."

"Fine. What is his number? I will call him. We have to turn you as soon as possible. You are vulnerable as long as you are mortal." He almost seemed scared for a moment. I wanted to hug him. So I did.

"You can't just marry me a few hours after seeing me. My parents won't allow it."

"Fine. We will get married when Edward and Bella do. Your father is doing that ceremony is he not?"

"How do you know Edward and Bella?"

"I claim Bella as my cousin. She is living with me."

"When did that happen?"

"She and her father have had their differences."

I sighed. "He totally hates Edward and is pushing her to date Jake, right?"

"He is. And she won't stray from Edward. She can't."

"What do you mean, can't?"

"Edward is like me. When we fall in love, it is for forever. You are my mate. You and only you hold my heart. Nothing can ever change that. Being apart from one another is physically painful."

"Is that why she got so bad when he left?"

"Yes, but you need not worry that I will ever put you through an ordeal like that. I have better sense than young Edward."

"I'm still having a hard time believing that Edward is a vampire. Wait. Is Bella one?"

"Not yet."

"Are you going to take my blood?"

"Not now. I will when I turn you into one of my kind."

I leaned forward. "I don't see any fangs."

"An old story. Not a true one. We cannot die from stakes, nor will the sun destroy us."

"Good to know."

He started kissing me. And I stopped worrying about how I was going to explain this to my parents. All I wanted to do was kiss Marcus Telecles forever. When his hands moved across me, I felt this amazing sensation, like all my nerves fired at once. He pulled back, panting, and put something in my hand.

"What is this?" I stared down dumbly.

"It is your ring." He slid it on my ring finger on my left hand. It fit perfectly.

"I will have Alice buy you anything you need. You will want for nothing."

"I only want you." I kissed him softly. "We have to go talk to my parents."

"Fine. But let me do the talking. I have a way with words."

"This, I've got to see. My Dad's kind of tough."

Marcus grinned. For a second, he looked like some kind of soldier envisioning a favorite battle.

"He's no match for me." Marcus trailed his lips down my neck.

I reached for my phone. "What are you doing?" Marcus stopped kissing my neck.

"I am so breaking up with Ben Cheney."

"What was that word you said earlier? Awesome." Marcus lips touched mine and the fires started raging again.

**Please review! **

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><p><strong>This is a teaser from my new AH story Unbecoming<strong>

**Story Summary: In the aftermath of her divorce, a heartbroken Bella Swan looks for danger to give meaning to her life. If only her hot ex-husband would stay out of the picture.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Many thanks to LJ Summers and prettyflour for the beta skills. And free offerings of snark. Thanks to KristinHazzard, Twilover76, eternalsummer69, detochkina, perrymaxed, and pomme_de_terre for pre-reading. Thanks as well to GinnyW_31 for the consulting and advice. **

_Thump-thump_

It happens in the blink of an eye. The rebel soldier grabs the young boy by the upper arm and begins to yank him from his wailing mother. She hangs onto her son and the little boy is stretched between them like a wishbone about to snap, too afraid to cry. There are five other soldiers making their way through our camp, looking for food and new recruits. They prefer to take young children. I've seen this happen more times than I can count in the past eleven months. We are unarmed aid workers. We've been instructed not to interfere. This time is different: I know the little boy. His name is Peter. I've been teaching him how to read, and I'm not letting him go without a fight. Without hesitation, I grab a rock from the ground and wrap my fingers around it until my knuckles are white.

My eyes burn. I am running on fumes; I am so tired. I can't remember the last time I slept. Sweat trickles down my forehead and I wipe it before it runs into my eyes. The heat is merciless as I stand in a crowd of refugees watching the last of the food disappear into desperate hands. Alec, our doctor, shakes his head in frustration from his position by the supply truck. He apologizes in French as he tells the crowd we have no more food. We are short, again, and the ones that go hungry try to console their crying children. I can feel every inch of my skin as adrenaline fuels my rage. As Peter wails in fright, I release the rock in my hand to fly through the scorching fetid air.

_Thump-thump_

My heart is beating so fast from fear I can feel it in my throat. I'm surprised the refugees packed around me can't hear it.

_Thump-thump_

The rock makes contact, breaking cartilage, drawing first blood. I grin and hurl another. Jasper had taught me how to throw a fastball. He'd be so horrified to see me right now. Oddly enough, that sentiment cheers me.

_Thump-thump_

When it happens, the sound is deafening. I see people covering their ears and diving for the ground. My aim was true. The second rock I flung hit the soldier in his forearm, causing his gun to shift position away from the little boy he had targeted.

_Thump-thump_

Peter cries, "Miss Bella!"

Knowing I have but seconds, I yank Peter away from his captor and toss him at his sobbing mother.

"Run!" I hiss.

I don't need to tell her twice. She doesn't speak English, but we both understand the universal dialect of a mother's terror for her child. The woman dives into the crowd vanishing in a sea of angry faces. I turn around to face my enemy. It seems I've sparked a rebellion of my own as the crowd starts baying for blood.

Something hits my shoulder and I'm jerked back, almost as if someone snuck up behind me and tied ropes around my chest and yanked when I didn't expect it. I hear screaming and wailing beside me and more gunshots, this time from behind me. The ground rushes up to meet me as my head smacks on a rock so hard I bite my tongue and feel the blood rush into my mouth. My head is numb at first, then the pain is transmitted by my screaming nerve endings and I can barely move my body hurts so bad.

_Thump-thump_

Using the earth as my pillow, I see his smiling face. It's our wedding day in my mind. He's so handsome standing there in his tux - his green eyes shining. He knows I'm nervous coming down the aisle, terrified to be in front of so many people. But I do it for him. For my family. To give them the wedding that they want. For me - I would have been perfectly fine eloping.

He whispers, "You did it, Sunshine! You make me proud! God, I love you."

I can see his face light up with joy when I lift my veil and take his hand. The minister pronounces us man and wife. Despite the crowd around us, my love pulls me into a passionate kiss. My whole being is captivated by his kiss. I want it to never end.

"Edward," I manage to whisper.

_Thump-thump_

My heart is slowing as my blood soaks the dry earth. Death comes on winged feet after I've waited for it so impatiently.

Alec's firm hands touch me, and he growls, "Bella, I need you to stay awake."

I smile as if he told a funny joke. "Bye."

When I'd first met Alec, I had thought his golden curls made him look like an angel. Silly me, he ended up being my own Angel of Death. I'm tugged into a pool of blackness and stretch out my arms to meet the sky. Edward's face is the last thing I see.


	19. Outtake Two

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Angela POV**

My head hurt from thinking so hard. This amazing man had literally swept me off my feet. He said I was his wife in a past life. Ordinarily, if someone told me that, I'd look for the men in the white coats to haul him away. But something felt so familiar about Marcus hovering at the edge of my consciousness just out of reach.

"So am I supposed to get my memories back?"

"I don't know. Why don't we take it one day at a time?"

He leaned over and kissed me again. I could get used to this. My toes curled from pleasure as his lips moved to the side of my neck.

"How am I going to explain this to my parents?"

"Explain what?"

"You want to marry me."

"No."

"No?" My heart sank.

"I _will_ marry you as soon as possible."

"I can't get married before I graduate from high school. People will be scandalized."

"Why?"

"They'll think I'm pregnant."

"I cannot give you children." He looked so sad. "Can you live with that?"

"Could we adopt? I'd like to have a large family."

"If that is what you want, then that is what you shall have. So, when would it be suitable for us to get married - when Edward and Bella have their ceremony?

"That's a few months away."

"It is."

"That time period should work."

"Excellent. I'm going to go talk to your father. Please make yourself comfortable. Demetri and Felix will look after you." He pointed to a thin blond man, and a burly man who reminded me of Emmett Cullen. "I'll be back as soon as possible." I worried over how that talk would go. My father was a very stubborn man.

A book was open on the table. Some of the writing I couldn't understand, but there were a few passages written in English.

_I am called Marcus and I am not the phantom that Mothers describe in night time stories to frighten small children into behaving. I am far worse than anything a simple female could contrive to manipulate weak minds. The one aspect of my character that distinguishes me from mere mortals is Death. He follows me everywhere I go, and no aspect of my life has been spared His cold touch. Then there is the fact that I genuinely enjoy killing others. Death's company brings me an indescribable joy that buoys me until the next red tide I engineer. That is buttressed by the other element that makes me differ. _

_I excel at planning battles that inevitably result in the mass slaughter of others. It is like being the spider and distantly observing the flies as they become inexorably trapped in a web of my design. And the others around me automatically link my name with doom and destruction as I have had plenty of opportunities to mete it out over the course of my time on this Earth. In the midst of warring clans, I appear to be the only military leader who actually takes time to think before sending his troops off to fight. My opponents do not care if they lose half their force in a battle. They can always recruit more. I, on the other hand, prefer to keep the trained men I already have. To me, they aren't interchangeable. _

_Leading an army for me is as simple as walking. I have become close with the men under my command and they respond to my orders often without me having to utter a word. We operate together like the most elegant machinery of execution. The joy of victory and howls of the defeated serenade us each night. My soldiers respect me because there is no task I ask of them that I have not performed at their side. I sleep on the ground beside them at night, and take my turn at watch like all the others. I eat the same food and am always the last to begin a meal after ensuring they are nourished before worrying about my own neck. My enemies loathe me because there is no ambush or ploy they have discovered thus far that has succeeded in jarring me from my course. My enemies detest me because their attacks typically result in them losing their entire force, so they have no intelligence to use in making another battle plan. _

_My family barely knows me because I have been away at war all these years creeping home at every opportunity before vanishing into the mist to fight another day. I have learned from watching the plight of others that families are best left hidden from the world, and guarded to the teeth. Many know whose house I joined when I married a woman far above my station. They do not know, however, where I hid her, or whether or not we even have children. It is easier that way. I have witnessed too many other heads of clans have their entire families destroyed while they were away at battle. Or, those that took their families with them to protect them, when they fell in battle, lost them regardless. And then there is the sad lot who once it became known who their children were, saw them fall to assassinations. _

I shut the book before me with shaking hands.

"What is wrong Miss Angela?" the one called Felix asked.

"I was just reading this. I think it's the story of Marcus."

Felix nodded. "It is his diary."

I pushed the book from me on the table with shaking hands. "I shouldn't have snooped."

"He wouldn't mind if you read it."

"He said his wife was killed by her brother."

"She was."

"Why?"

"I don't know the story. We've only recently been told the circumstances surrounding her death."

"It says here," I pointed to the book, "that people hunted his family."

Felix face almost appeared frozen for a moment. "Yes, it was before my time. Demetri was around then."

Demetri sighed. "A sad tale."

"What happened to his children?"

"They died."

"Natural deaths?"

"No. Every last one was hunted and put to the sword. But don't worry."

"Why?"

"Marcus got even. He wiped out his enemies' families." Demetri said that like he was reading the sports section of the newspaper. What had I gotten myself into? I sat down on the couch to pray for the safety of my fiancé and any children we might adopt.

He had only been gone twenty minutes and I felt like I was going to climb the walls. What was wrong with me? We Webers were made of sterner stuff. I needed to buck up.

I closed my eyes and contemplated how much my life had changed in just a few hours.

My phone rang. It was Ben. I really didn't want to take this call. I hated hurting him.

"Hello."

"Angela, what the heck is going on? Is this about sex?"

"I've decided that we need to be friends."

"You sure about this?"

"I am. I'm sorry. I don't like hurting you."

He hung up after a terse, "Goodbye." I hated how I felt. Like an awful person. Who dumped a boyfriend over the phone? Ben deserved at least the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation. But seeing as I was surrounded by bodyguards all the time, I wasn't sure I could make that happen.

My mind wandered back to Marcus. I had never seen someone so handsome. Sure the Cullens were all striking in some otherworldly way. I didn't feel compelled to be around any of them like I did Marcus. And his kiss. Just thinking about the way he made me feel caused my face to blush.

Marcus POV

Angela lived in a modest dwelling of two stories. They had rose bushes climbing up a wall by the doorway and a cross indicating their devotion to the Christ. I shook my head. The one now known as Jesus Christ had been a rabble rouser during his life. He'd given the Roman fits.

"Good afternoon," I said to the man who answered the door. "Revered Weber, I am Marcus Telecles. Might I have a moment of your time?"

"Of course. Please come inside." He led me to his study. He appeared to live in a world of books. Every corner of the room was stacked with volumes. It made me feel almost claustrophobic. I knew I'd be buying him a few libraries to earn his good will.

"I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"Angela?"

"You do not have any other daughter, correct?"

"That is right. Angela, you say? I thought she was dating Ben."

"That relationship ran its course."

"How long have you known my daughter?"

"Years."

Reverend Weber gave me a sharp glance. He had a direct stare that might intimidate others. "But I don't know you."

"We did not date until recently. I moved to Forks to look after Bella Swan, my cousin."

"I heard she moved out of her father's house."

"Yes, she lives with me. Her father was trying to force her to marry Jacob Black."

"That boy is sixteen!" Reverend Weber's face turned red.

"And a drug user. Bella moved out and will be marrying Edward in a little over four months. Angela and I plan on making it a double wedding."

I handed him a check. "This should cover any costs of the ceremony."

Revered Weber's mouth fell open. "That's a check for two million dollars."

"Do you require more?"

"No! I think this is more than enough. Where is Angela?"

"She is at my house."

"Why did you leave her there?"

"I am a very wealthy man."

"So I gathered." Revered Weber seemed uncomfortable at the mention of money.

"I have many enemies who want my money. I have Angela well guarded. Your family will also be protected. You have guards outside your house now." His eyes widened and he cleared his throat.

I handed him a folder from my briefcase. "Here is my financial portfolio. I think you'll find I am more than capable of taking care of your daughter." It only showed a fraction of my worth, but Alice had texted me that I didn't want to overwhelm the Webers as they were of modest means. Edward's sister was a godsend.

"Well, um, yes." Revered Weber put the folder down.

"Angela and I also plan on making a sizeable donation to your church for a new building."

"You heard about that?" He had a sign in front of his church advertising the campaign to build a new one.

"I understand your flock is growing and needs more room. Here is the card of the head of my construction company. I've already given him a budget. Just let him know what you need. Do you have any questions?"

"I'd like Angela to finish college."

"Once she's settled into married life, I will encourage that."

"And you are not a member of my church."

"That is true, but I have no objection to attending when we are in town."

"It is important to us that our family remains practicing Christians."

"Again, sir, I see no problem with that."

"Are you a Christian?"

"I have not worshiped for quite some time. But I will attend services with Angela."

"Have you discussed children?"

"Yes. Any children we have will be baptized in the faith."

"Is my daughter pregnant?"

"No. Nor will she be before the wedding." Reverend Weber let out a sigh. Poor man.

"Master Marcus, we are about to have some company," Alec said from outside.

"I see. Young company?"

"Ben Cheney. He appears to be upset."

"Invite him to wait in the car."

While I listened politely to Reverend Weber talk, I kept track of Alec. I heard him say, "Mr. Cheney, please come with me."

"Don't hurt him." I warned Alec at vampire pitch.

"He is sleeping now and in the car."

"Have Heidi help console him."

If this were anyone else, I'd have the girlfriend walk in and find him draped across Heidi. But this was Angela. I couldn't hurt her like that. Because of my gift, I felt secure enough in my ability to woo her that I didn't need to stoop to such lengths. Ben Cheney, however, was fair game. Since I had taken his girlfriend and had no intention of ever giving her back, the least I could do was help him get over his heart break. Twenty-four hours from now he'd wake up naked in a hotel in Port Angeles by an equally naked Heidi. He'd never know what hit him. And I suspect by the time Heidi was done with him, he'd be quite thankful that he'd been dumped the day before. From the little I'd been able to glean from Alice about Angela, it seemed that things had been tense between Angela and Ben of late. A break up should not surprise the boy.

"Master Marcus," Alec said from outside.

"Yes?"

"Demetri just texted. He says Miss Angela appears to be distressed after reading your journal."

"Tell him that I'll be home presently." I had forgotten what it felt like to be newly mated. I should not have left her for so long.

I stood and said, "I thank you for your time, Revered Weber. Please let me know if there's anything else that I can do to help you with your church." I left the man after gently shaking his hand. He appeared flummoxed.

When I got to the car, Alec said, "I've arranged for roses to be delivered to Mrs. Weber and Angela in an hour."

"Excellent. Thank you, Alec."

"It is good to see you happy, Master Marcus."

I passed Bella and Edward on my way to see Angela. They were giving us privacy. I noticed that both were surrounded by a menagerie of animals. Edward's gift appeared to be growing of late. He'd managed to surprise me. I had never imagined that one could make such effective use of animals to use in a psychological warfare campaign against a not-quite-human. That Edward showed potential. In the past, seeing him smile at Bella had made me feel a bit jealous. Not that I wanted Bella – I considered her to be the cousin I had declared her to be. I felt lonely. Being without my mate all these years had wearied me. Now I could barely grasp that I had her back.

I found Angela in the den attached to our bedroom, leafing through a volume of Shakespeare.

"Your father sends his greetings." I kissed her forehead and sat beside her on the sofa.

"How did it go?"

"We came to a meeting of the minds."

She blinked at me. I forgot that she did not know what I was like once I had decided something. I would have to tread gently with her.

I held out a box for her.

"What is this?"

"Open it and find out."

She carefully lifted the lid and gasped. "Oh, Marcus! It's . . . I've never seen anything this beautiful." I took the ring from the box and slipped it over her finger.

"Everyone wears diamonds these days. I decided to go with rubies because I know how fond you are of the Bible."

"A virtuous woman, her price is above rubies," Angela murmured.

"We need to talk to Bella and Edward."

"They're here?"

"Bella lives with me."

"Oh. What about?"

"We're going to have a double wedding."

"Marcus, we can't crash their event."

"Bella hates being the center of attention. With us getting married as well, it will take the pressure off of her."

"Are you sure?"

"I am. But you can ask her yourself." I put my hand around her waist as we went down the stairs to find Edward and Bella.

I found them playing chess in the library. Edward was watching Bella like prey. I needed to get him to go out running before he pounced on her.

At vampire pitch I said, "Felix is going to take you on a run with the newborns."

Edward said to Bella. "I have an errand I need to do. I'll leave you with Marcus and Angela." He kissed her cheek and all but sprinted from the room. The newborns were in the backyard with Aro working on hand-to-hand combat. They'd be delighted by the distraction.

Bella smiled, "Marcus, you look so happy."

She was right. I could barely remember, even with my abilities, the last time I had felt this way. I reached over and took Angela's hand in mine. Forever would I celebrate the day I found my long lost love.


	20. Outtake Three  Gus POV

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**Several of you feel like Angela's Dad sold her to Marcus. I always let the reader decide whether or not she/he likes a character. I will say this, however. Not everyone thinks well on their feet. Angela's Dad is used to being the one doing most of the talking. And then Marcus shows up and offers him his dream come true. I agree that Rev. Walker should have asked more questions. Who knows? Maybe he will. **

**Ever wonder what the heck was going through the animals' minds when they met Edward? So did I. Here's a scene from Gus' POV. It might help if you skim Chapter Three before reading this. Thanks so much for reading! I've been gigglesnorting while reading your reviews! Enjoy!**

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><p>Maybe I needed to move. We had been invaded by animals that made us all afraid to go out to gather food. I'd never seen any beast this big. And don't get me started on how bad they stank.<p>

Those damn wolves ate my friend Pete. We were gathered at my place having a wake for him when a breeze wafted more of their odor into my underground den. Just once I wished that I was big enough to do something to get even. Was that too much to ask? My friends and I looked at each other and grumbled. Then I smelled something else.

"Wonder what that is?"

"Gus, don't go. It's those creepy ones." I knew what he meant. I had seen a few of them hunting deer. One with long yellow hair scared me. If looks could kill with just one glance those deer would be goners. She always seemed to be in a bad mood. Maybe she needed to change her diet. I heard more noise from up above and decided that I should investigate.

I ignored Frack's whining. Raccoons weren't known for being the bravest, anyway.

I got the shock of my life when I poked my head above ground. There was this man talking to someone named Satan. Whatever he was saying was making the wolves howl like they were scared. I liked this guy with the funny eyes. Especially when he begged me to pretend to die and offered me food in exchange. I let out a wail put a paw to my head and slid down into my den.

The others were frightened. "What's going on?" Frack asked. "Are you well?"

Giggling, I doubled over and said in between gasps, "Oh, you'll never believe this. This guy above ground is pretending to kill me in order to scare the wolves. It seems to be working.

"Sounds like a trap to me!" Huey, the skunk whispered. "Don't fall for it!"

"Listen, you can tell he's faking." I pointed to the entryway to the den.

"Thank you, Dark Master for my new familiar!" The guy upstairs shouted and laughed. I could smell the urine as two of the wolves peed themselves. We all laughed.

"I need to get to know this guy. Anyone that can scare the wolves is a friend."

We cheered.

I heard a stomping up above. I suppose our laughing and cheers of, "Death to the stinky ones," were interfering with his performance. We all listened for the wolves. They did not disappoint.

"Jesus would not approve," said Pete's killer. Jesus was the guy humans thanked before eating. I didn't know wolves did too. Maybe I should look this Jesus up.

"Shut up, man. You'll bring _Satan_ down on us," another whined. I could smell the stench of his urine from here. Coward.

"Gah! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" We could smell the guts of a deer. I didn't even want to know what my new friend was doing. But the wails from the wolves were music to my ears.

Frick's eyes widened, "Uh-oh."

"What?" I blinked innocently at him.

"You're getting that look like you're up to something."

"I'm tired of getting chased by those stinking wolves. We need to get revenge."

"But we're small! And they're so big! How can we fight?"

"We need to make friends with the Dark Lord worshiper above," I pointed at the roof of my den.

"They eat animals."

True. I answered. "Never seen them eat us. We're too small."

"Anyone that doesn't like the wolves is our friend. We need him. That Dark Lord guy, too."

"Who is the Dark Lord?"

"I don't know. We'll have to ask. All the wolves are scared of him. So he must be important. We also need to find out who Howdy Doody is. He could be important to our quest."

I sniffed as the scent above changed. I crawled to the surface and found the pasty white guy with two bags of bulbs.

I nodded to him and took the bags to my friends.

"Wow! A feast!" Frack jumped up and down and started nibbling on the first bulb he grabbed.

"It pays to have friends that feed you. Thanks to Jesus and Satan," I raised a bulb to the sky. Life was about to get interesting.

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	21. Outtake Four

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**I combined the best of both worlds in this outtake. You get some Angela and Marcus. Even better, you're getting some animal action. Not THAT kind of action. Degenerates. And so we begin.**

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><p>"I bet she's screwing him," Lauren hissed to Jessica. When the teacher glared at her, Lauren rearranged her face into a cracked façade of innocence. They sat two rows to my left in study hall. I ignored them and tried to pretend that my face didn't flush and my hands didn't shake around the pencil I strangled. My neck prickled as it felt like everyone in the room started staring at me.<p>

I'd definitely caused a stir by getting engaged so soon after breaking things off with Ben. Time seemed to drag its leaden feet as I pretended to study and flailed about in misery. I hated being away from Marcus. It physically hurt. I'd never felt such intense feelings for anyone in my life.

Out of the corner of my eye, I heard Ben say as the bell rang, "Lauren?"

Lauren rolls her eyes and smacks her chewing gum. "What do you want? I'm in a hurry." Lauren tapped her red leather pump. It cost more than I think my parents' mortgage payment. I picked up my books and stuffed them in my backpack. I just wanted to get out of there. I could feel people in the room staring at me. That had been happening a lot lately. I stared down at my engagement ring and tried to think of Marcus. How much I loved him.

"Angela isn't the type to sleep around. Trust me. I know. 'Cause I sure tried to persuade her." Ben winked at me and walked past Lauren.

I did my best to keep from crying. What he did was sweet. I wasn't used to having people talk about me.

Felix noticed my red eyes when I stepped out of the classroom. "What is it, Miss Angela?"

"Nothing that matters, Felix. Let's go home." I had insisted on staying with my parents until the wedding to avoid this kind of talk. It amazed me how, despite living eighteen years never setting a foot out of place, my reputation could take such a beating in such a short amount of time. I thought I'd get the benefit of the doubt from my classmates. At least I had Bella and the Cullens.

I saw Bella and Edward ahead of me. Bella seemed to be doing better since he returned to town. She had been like a ghost during the months the Cullens had been away. She had stopped eating and talking. I had no idea how she passed her classes because she hadn't seemed like she'd been paying attention to anything back then. I'd tried everything to cheer her up and ended up pushing her so hard that she finally avoided me. She was laughing at something Emmett said. Edward stood behind her and had a hand wrapped around her waist. They seemed so comfortable together. I had a hard time believing that he was over a hundred years old. He barely looked old enough to shave. Not that I'd ever tell him that.

Lauren yelped, "What the hell is that?" and pointed at Edward. He had a squirrel sitting on his shoulder nibbling at a nut. I recognized that squirrel.

"Oh, that's Douglas. He's their pet."

Lauren took the rubber band she had around her wrist and said, "I fucking hate squirrels." She used it like a slingshot and sent it straight at Edward.

"That's cruel, Lauren," I blurted.

She turned and sneered at me, "Those things carry rabies. He should know better than to bring it around school. I'm having my dad call the principal to complain."

Then she started screaming and flailing her arms about. I stared up at her head and saw Douglas peering out from her mass of hair. I could swear he winked at me. He rubbed his butt along her head and jumped through the air and landed on my arm.

"Atta boy!" I cooed at him.

Lauren screamed, "My head! He shit on it!"

She waved a grimy hand around as if to prove it to everyone. Mike Newton started laughing. Jessica joined in. I heard this high pitched noise that I couldn't place and watched flabbergasted as a flock of birds started dive bombing Lauren. She screamed and started running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Lauren couldn't seem to pick a direction. She'd dart one way and then another. She finally ran towards the parking lot, tripped, and landed in a hedge row. That's when we all started backing away.

Lauren screamed, "My eyes! Oh shit! My eyes!"

Felix grabbed me and moved away as I saw two skunks scurrying across the parking lot. I rubbed my eyes. For a second I could swear they jumped in Emmett's jeep. I must have imagined that. Before I could blink, Felix had me in the car.

He bypassed my parents' place and took me straight to Marcus. I all but ran into the mansion. Marcus sat in his study staring at a computer screen.

"Darling, how was your day?" He smiled at me and I felt like the world stopped. I lived for those smiles.

"Better," I sat on his lap, "now that I have you in my arms."

"You seem troubled."

"I never thought I'd say this. I'm thinking that disappearing from Forks can't happen soon enough. Some of my classmates have been saying mean things about me."

"What kind of mean things?"

"Oh, they can't believe that you and I are in love and are making up stories."

"Considering that they also had Bella married to me a few days back, they don't seem to be all that bright."

I giggled and kissed him. "That too. Wanna make out?"

Marcus growled, "I'm taking you to our bedroom."

"Awesome."

**Two weeks later**

I sat in study hall and listened to Lauren whine to Jessica. "It's like the world is against me!"

"Poor baby!" Jessica patted Lauren's hand.

"I keep getting attacked by skunks. My car keeps getting shit on and it's ruining the paint job. Today I found scratch marks in my favorite pair of shoes. I think my closet has been infested by something because I have holes in my clothes." Lauren wiped at her eyes. "I had to throw out an entire season of Prada. Life is so unfair."

Movement near the window drew my eyes. Douglas waved at me. I waved back and blew him a kiss. Lauren took one look at the window, shrieked, and passed out. No one bothered to catch her.

**Four Months Later**

Tomorrow was my wedding day. I could hardly believe it. I kept staring at the ruby on my left hand to remind me that I hadn't dreamed this whole thing up.

I wondered how things were going between Marcus and my father. Dad was not much of a talker unless he gave a sermon. My conscience smarted over all the things that I kept from my parents. But I knew that I couldn't tell them the whole truth. I'd briefly considered asking Marcus to turn my parents. But after thinking about it, I changed my mind. I knew both of my parents would refuse anyway because they wanted to be reunited in heaven with Christ when they died. Turning immortal would deny them that goal. I tried to be happy for them and struggled not to feel selfish.

Suddenly, I felt like all the birds in the area stopped singing. The short hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I glanced up and met the cold eyes of a blond girl. She appeared to be younger than me. I knew better than to judge a book by its cover. I'd seen her around Marcus' house a few times, but she always kept her distance.

I wondered what Marcus would do if he caught her looking at him like that? He'd probably be calm. So I tried to be, too.

"Is there a problem?" I asked her.

"No." She sneered. A boy standing next to her, her brother, I assume, smacked her and hissed something in Italian.

"It's okay." I told him. "No need to hit her." They both stopped talking and stared at me.

"What's your name? And what's your problem?" I asked the girl.

"I'm Jane. This is Alec. Your kind I have little use for."

"What kind are you talking about?"

"Christians," she spat.

"Oh. Okay. Do you mind if I ask why?"

"They burned us both at the stake."

I wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Wow. I'm really sorry. You know they burned people who believe as I do at the stake, too."

"What?" Jane acted confused.

"I'm Protestant. If you look at the history of my church, they burned us as heretics. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't even imagine how scared you must have been. And to know that your sibling was suffering too." I shook my head and my eyes welled up with tears. What a miserable way to die. I felt terrible for Jane and her brother. No wonder she stared at everyone like she was in a bad mood. I don't think Jane was used to people being nice to her. She stared at me like I had two heads and left the room.

"I apologize for my twin," Alec said. Smooth talker, that one.

"There's no need to apologize. She didn't offend me."

"She didn't?"

"No. I asked a question and she answered it honestly. I can't complain about her answer. That hardly seems fair." He bowed and left. I didn't think he'd think me any less crazy if I told him that his sister was also distracting me from Marcus being gone. I felt like I was going to come out of my skin if he didn't get here soon.

When he walked into the door, I heaved a sigh of relief.

"How did it go?"

My head spun as Marcus drove me home. He held my hand and stroked my fingers. I had fallen in love at first sight with an immortal. Who wanted me to be an immortal. Who wanted to marry me. Just a few months back, I'd been dating Ben Cheney. Thank goodness he had gotten over me quickly. He'd dated some girl named Heidi for a few weeks until she moved overseas. He didn't seem particularly heartbroken.

I remember hearing Jessica Stanley whispering about sex with Lauren Mallory. Both of them had lost their virginity two years ago and had all but shouted it to the school. Lauren told Jessica, "You really should find a college guy to do. They actually know what they're doing in bed." Peeking at Marcus out of the corner of my eye, I had no doubt he'd know what to do in bed. I just didn't know if I'd survive it. I got hot and bothered just from him holding my hand. Sex might just make my heart explode. I was so relieved that he had respected my wishes and not pressured me to do more than I was comfortable doing.

At first glance, in his fancy suit and tie, Marcus looked like a sophisticated businessman. Then you looked into his eyes. Something in his eyes told me he had suffered more than any person I had ever met in my life. I wanted to reach out and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. But somehow, I didn't think he'd take well to that. So I kept my hands to myself.

**Two weeks later**

"Angela, it's time to get up." Marcus' cold hand brought me wide awake. My head hurt, and my stomach was killing me. I pushed past him and barely made it to the bathroom in time. I hated throwing up. I started crying as I felt the acid in my throat. Marcus patted my back. He felt my forehead.

"I don't think I have a fever. It must be some bug." I stopped talking and was sick for the next two hours. He stayed by me the entire time. With his enhanced ability to smell, this had to be awful for him. Finally, my stomach seemed to give up in defeat. Marcus carried me back to bed after I rinsed out my mouth. I heard him talking in the phone but since he spoke Italian, I had no idea what he said. He sounded upset. I curled up and decided I'd have to feel better to die.

An hour later, I heard Bella and Edward arrive. Bella looked about as awful as I felt.

"Oh, God, do you have it too?" I asked her as she crawled into bed by me.

For someone who went to medical school twice, Edward wasn't much help. Thank goodness he didn't practice medicine regularly. He'd get sued for malpractice. That was uncharitable of me. I needed to pray for a better mood.

I don't remember packing to leave. I barely remember Marcus lifting me and carrying me out to the boat. Unfortunately, I do remember the trip from the island.

Bella and I took turns puking. It was awful. Thank goodness Marcus thought to bring mouthwash. Bella and I took turns swishing and spitting into the ocean. We got in the car and I fell asleep clutching my stomach. I remember very little from that point. One moment Marcus was carrying me into the plane, and the next I was back in Forks with Dr. Cullen taking my blood pressure.

I sat there in a daze when Dr. Cullen told me and I was pregnant. I couldn't tell what Marcus felt about this. He hid his feelings so well. I decided to let the Cullens debate among themselves. I knew Bella well enough to know that nobody was going to do anything to her baby without her say so. And I guess I just fell back onto my childhood training. God created this baby for a reason. So I had faith that everything would work out in the end.

When we were alone, Marcus sighed and put his arms around me from behind. "I can hardly believe it."

"Why? It's a blessing from God."

"Angela, I have done terrible things in my life. If you knew, you'd hate me."

"Marcus, I read enough of your journal to figure out that you've had a violent life. It doesn't change the way I feel about you."

"Why?"

"Because I have no right to judge you. I am not a perfect person. I'm certainly not God. He's the only one that gets that chance." I leaned back against him and then turned around so I faced him. "Then there's the fact that I love you. All of you. Not just the pretty parts. I knew what I was getting myself into when I married you." I yawned.

"You need your rest."

"Come to bed with me, please?" I found I couldn't get a good night's sleep unless he was nearby.

He pulled my top off and helped me step out of my pants. I put on one of his shirts and crawled under the covers. Before I could count to ten, I was out.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Marcus was reading a book in the dark. How he managed to see something was beyond me. He looked worried. I rubbed his chest with my hand over his heart.

"My parents are going to be over the moon when we tell them our news."

Marcus' face fell.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"We cannot tell your parents."

"Why?"

"Your pregnancy from the accounts that I've read will only last half the time of a normal human one. And the child will age rapidly."

"How fast?"

"I'm not sure, but fast enough that the mortals cannot meet him or her."

"What are we going to do?"

"We're going to tell your parents that I'm taking you on an extended tour of Europe. Your father is going to be so busy with building his new church, i don't know that he'll be a problem."

"My Mom will."

"I'll think of something to keep her occupied. I think that we'll have to arrange weekly phone calls. Are your parents fond of taking pictures?"

"No. If it weren't for my school pictures, I don't think there'd be a record of my childhood. I don't even think they own a camera."

"So they won't be suspicious if we email them pictures from Europe without you in them?"

"We can photoshop them. My parents would never know." I yawned and curled up against him. His scent always comforted me. I wish he had the luxury of sleep. He seemed to be thinking all the time. My eyes drifted shut. I heard Marcus whisper, "I love you," and knew no more.

**Two months later**

I knew better than to complain. Being pregnant was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Like any girl would when scared, I wanted my mother, but knew better than to ask for her. It would make Marcus feel horrible. Besides, she'd never been pregnant with a vampire's child, so she probably wouldn't be much help. Or else she'd lecture me on marrying a soulless demon - her words not mine. I'd been tempted to tell my parents the truth about Marcus and I, but then remembered their explanation of the story of Dracula. That stopped that wish in the tracks.

I felt so awful in the morning and threw up half the food I ate. Dr. Cullen had to put me and Bella on IV drips to make sure we got nutrition. I knew Bella hated needles so I tried to be brave so she'd stay calm. I never knew I was that good of an actress.

I worried for my baby. I had nightmares about giving birth to a baby with the head of a dragon. I was afraid if I told Marcus he'd be offended so I kept that to myself. Marcus was downstairs dealing with some crises involving his men. Bella was zonked out and Edward carried her to their bedroom. She looked worse than I did. She was so tiny compared to me, and she'd lost a lot of weight.

Jane came inside and sat down beside me on the sofa. We had come to a meeting of the minds in the past few months. I was teaching her how to do needlepoint. She found it challenging. Good thing she couldn't use her gift on the poor fabric. I jumped when I felt a fluttering inside.

"What is it?" Jane asked.

I took her hand and put it over my tummy. "The baby." I said to the baby, "Come on, do it again, so Aunt Jane can feel you."

"You called me Aunt Jane."

"I did."

"Really?" She gave a sad smile. "Who would want me around their child?"

"I would. I hope my child grows up to be as resilient as you are." Jane looked like she was going to cry for a moment. She patted my hand and ran from the room as Marcus walked in the door.

Marcus said, "You're good for her, you know."

"You think?"

"I can see you have a strong bond already. Jane doesn't form relationships easily. It's just another example of how marvelous you are." He pushed my hair back from my face and curled a lock around my ear.

Later that night I woke up from the most vivid dream.

"Are you well?" Marcus asked.

"I dreamed I was giving birth. It was so strange."

"Why?"

"Because everyone was dressed funny around me. Like in costumes. I was in a stone room. My hand had a big ring on it – one I've never seen before."

"Was it blue?"

"Yes."

"You're dreaming of your past life. You wore that ring when you gave birth to our second son."

"Oh. Wow. Can you tell me about our children? What were they like?"

"I wish I knew."

"I don't understand."

Marcus said, "I was always out fighting a war. I was able to sneak home every few years and see you for a few days at a time. I barely knew our children. That was the only birth I was able to attend. I won't make that mistake again." He put his hand over my stomach. The baby kicked and Marcus smiled.

**Four months later**

I stared in amazement at our son, Sebastian. I could believe how fast he'd grown. He had dark hair from me and his father's light eyes. He should still be in newborn diapers, but he appeared to be about a year old. I became so emotional every time I held him. My husband had been helping me care for him. I was impressed and touched at the sight of Marcus gently holding our son, swaying with him in his arms until he fell asleep.

"Marcus?" I gave Sebastian another bottle of milk. He had a voracious appetite.

"Yes, dearest?"

"I want our son to be baptized."

My husband inclined his head. "Carlisle can do it." I let out a sigh. I had feared, irrationally, I know, that he wouldn't want it to happen. I wasn't going to insist that my father do it. I knew better. I was a newborn. I'd almost eaten the mailman last week.

Carlisle came over the next day. I dressed our son in white. Marcus called his men in to witness. All the Cullens had shown up, too.

Edward and Bella stood by us, as Marcus had asked them to be godparents. We had decided he would ask one set and I the other. He'd beaten me to mine. So my eyes lit up when I saw her.

"Jane."

"Yes, Miss Angela?"

"Would you and Alec do us the honor of being godparents as well?"

Jane looked like she was going to faint. Not that she could. She took her brother's hand and approached us. Carlsile stood by our impromptu baptismal font. I handed Sebastian to Jane. She held him gently in shaking hands.

"He's so warm and small," she marveled.

Once the baptism was over, we stood around the reception. I had never been near so many vampires. I got the impression that hybrid children were an oddity, based on the curious glances that we got from our out of town visitors.

One regally dressed one with dark eyes and tan skin cleared his throat and said, "I, Amir of the Egyptian coven, do hereby offer my child, Miriam, for marriage with the son of Marcus."

My newborn nature got the best of me. "He's only a baby."

I clutched my child tighter against my chest. He whimpered and I felt guilty. My poor baby. Jane patted me on the back, a rare gesture from her.

Amir sneered, "Marcus, your human needs manners."

I'd never seen anything move as fast as my husband did. Before I could blink, he had Amir pinned to the ground, "You will not speak of my mate with such disrespect. She is vampire, like you."

Amir blustered, "How dare you lay hands on me! I did you an honor offering to mix my line with your half-breed whelp."

Amir ended up being ash before the hour ended.

"Any questions?" Marcus asked the silent room. When no one answered, Marcus said, "I will not put my son in a political marriage. He has already found his mate, and his mate is the daughter of Edward and Bella Cullen. Pleasant day to you all."

Marcus took me by the arm and led our family from the room. Sebastian blew a raspberry at the Egyptian coven on our way to the door. I couldn't have said it better myself.

**So I have people requesting a Douglas outtake. Anything in particular you wanted to see?**


	22. Outtake Five  Douglas' Revenge

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. So there.**

**In the second part of the epi, we learned that Paul, weasel that he is, decided to get revenge on Bruce the Bad-ass Honey badger by poisoning food and leaving it out for him to eat. Bruce, some raccoons, and a group of skunks all shared the meal, and all became deathly ill. The animals summoned Edward. Aro could not be separated from his newest minion, so he turned Bruce, and a few other animals, too. Douglas decided that Paul needed to be punished. Lots. Paul is never going to know what hit him. Doesn't he know the animals really run this place? And so we begin. **

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><p>Paul of the stinky wolves poisoned my friends in cold blood. I may weigh less than five pounds, but I was squirrel enough to make that dog suffer. I also had friends. Lots of friends. Disreputable ones that didn't much like the wolves. I was going to teach this Paul a lesson if it took me eternity to do it. The first thing I did was go to the most spiteful person I knew. Rosalie was busy mounting her husband like a horse. So I asked Edward for help instead. He had little love for the stinky ones.<p>

I led Edward to the bodies. Well, I shouldn't say bodies. They weren't dead. Yet. That funny little man whose name sounded like someone was howling, Aro, stood over Bruce the badger and clicked his tongue.

I put my paw against his foot and thought, "Turn him! He'll give the wolves hell!" Whatever that meant. But it sounded nasty. Aro didn't look like the forgiving type.

Aro bend down and cut Bruce and started drooling on him. Did I mention that his spit was vile? I watched as he turned all my friends. His children came and lifted their twitching bodies and carried them back to Edward's. They sent the head wolf to Paul to yell at him. But I wanted more. Fortunately for me, Aro and Edward agreed. I had to wait for Bruce to wake up from his turning.

When Bruce woke up we gathered the animals together for a meeting. We all agreed that Paul needed to suffer. And then die. But lots of suffering first. Jerk.

Bruce and I decided to do a reconnaissance run as Marcus called it. He sent a newborn vampire named Angus with us. Angus was a small thin man with big eyes. He didn't say much. What he did say got our attention.

"If it was me, I'd make sure he couldn't enjoy that girlfriend. Ever."

We rode on his shoulder as Angus ran. I tugged on his ear when I wanted him to slow down. We found Paul and his girlfriend naked in bed. So much for her swearing she was never going to have sex again. Bruce and I stared at each other and nodded. Paul had earned this. And man, those two humans were obnoxiously loud when mating.

Bruce leaped through the window and blitzed across the room so fast if you blinked you'd miss him. While he was at it, he scraped both sets of claws across Paul's engorged genitals. Paul let out this breath-taking scream of, "Oh, Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Ah no! Help! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"- which distracted the girl just the perfect amount for me.

The things I do for revenge. I hope my wife understands this was personal, not pleasure. I bit his girlfriend on the breast. She tasted like beans and her blood was weak. Then like any sane animal, I ran for my hide.

She screamed, fell to the ground and started twitching. Paul was too busy yowling over his man parts to pay attention to his girlfriend. Finally he passed out. Wonder what he was going to think when he woke up and found himself in a locked room with a bloody dick and a vampire girlfriend? Could I plan things or what?

"Cindi, honey," Paul murmured, "Can you get me some ice or something? I'm dying here." He pointed at his dick and whimpered. When ten minutes passes and Cindi didn't stop thrashing on the ground, perhaps that got Paul's attention. He wasn't used to getting ignored. Yet. Oh karma was such a sweet bitch.

"Cindi, I'm not kidding. Stop messing around. I'll take you out to dinner like I promised if you help me," Paul whined. Cindi kept thrashing on the ground, which looked like it hurt.

While Paul was distracted, we decided to do a little house cleaning. Bruce the Badger took Paul's cell phone. I chewed through the wires on the outside of the house, so his other phone wouldn't work. Frick and Frack, the raccoon brothers and Huey, Duey, and Louie all showed up to help. They thought that spraying eau de pissed off skunk on Paul's door would keep nosy neighbors from coming to the house. Bruce seemed to think Aro would be proud. We left Paul whimpering to go tell him what we did.

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><p><strong>Thanks so much for reading. I'm having a little too much fun with the animals. Please review! Gus and Douglas are waving at you. <strong>


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